11 year old acting strange

[Pea-n-Me]

Gee, you are dealing with a very complex situation!

I agree with others it does sound as if she has some ASD/Asperger's tendencies. I also have a family member with Asperger's. They indeed can be very smart. Brilliant, even. There is also some thought that it can be inherited. (In our case, it's pretty clear his father has the same thing, but was never diagnosed as such. Also very high functioning, powerful positions career-wise.) These kids also often have multiple diagnoses, such as ASD, ADHD, depression/anxiety, OCD, etc, as did my family member (who is now doing great in college, btw). They do get intense obsessions.

I haven't seen this possibility mentioned yet. Could it be possible that bio mom had something similar, but wasn't diagnosed, and was self-treating with drugs and alcohol, etc? (Not uncommon in people with substance abuse issues.) Just a thought for you going forward.

OTOH, as a parent to two middle schoolers, I agree with others who've mentioned it that I see some elements that, while perplexing to us as parents, also seem to be kind of "normal" for that age group. Such as not turning in homework, candy wrappers, forced hygeine, etc. (There have been several threads recently on these types of topics that I've participated in trying to figure this out myself!) Virtually ALL of our friends with middle schoolers have been experiencing the same types of things. So part of it IS the age. But in this case, there may be other issues going on as well so it behooves you to try to get to the bottom of it as best you can. (Though I think you can feel pretty reassured that she's not too, too far from the norm, and that despite all she's got on her plate, her future still looks bright, in fact, thanks to you!)

I think you need a good mental health counselor and need to partner with both your pediatrician and whatever other specialist you decide to see to evaluate her state of being. I'd second going to the Children's Hospital in your area. I certainly would not be too quick to dump your pediatrician here. Presumably, she's had him for a while and she's comfortable with him? That's huge for a young woman that age. There are no guarantees a new doctor will know or do more, so I'd favor working with the one you already have. But I do mean, work with, as in sit down and talk, and demand that the right things happen. Working as a team will yield you the best results, not doctor shopping, IMO. (Unless things are really bad, but only you can determine that.)

I think the issues of custody and not knowing you're not her bio mom really complicates this situation right now. Not saying you should or shouldn't have done anything different; that was your personal choice and it's different for everyone. I just think that loading that information on her right now may be more than she can handle if there are other issues going on. You'll need to work with a counselor on this one. I imagine it will be hard for her to learn that she was "abandoned" by her mother, then "abandoned" by her father (how it feels to her). Will you abandon her now? (her thoughts) Wasn't she worthwhile? Good enough? Lots and lots of self esteem issues here so tread carefully.

You sound like a great and caring mom!

 

[GAGirlInVA]

My SD does not even remember her mom that I know of, and does not yet know that I am not bio-mom.

As an adoptive mother, this concerns me in a big, huge, glaring way.

 

[a82allison]

You've had lots of information thrown at you in this thread.

One way to maybe help you narrow the focus a bit is did the issues (staring into space, knot tying, etc) start before she started taking meds? In other words, has she always been that way?

Or are those behaviors something she started after the meds? If it was after, her meds might need to be adjusted/changed to levels where she is able to function better.

Yes.. tons of info!

The staring into space and knot tying has always been like this, although it seems to be worse now. So, it was present before the meds and now seems to be increasing..

 

[a82allison]

As an adoptive mother, this concerns me in a big, huge, glaring way.

And what would you have me do about it NOW? Geez. I'm trying here..

 

[a82allison]

I was wondering how the diagnosis of ADD came about. Was this done by her doctor, or by a psychiatrist?

by her regular pediatrician

 

[a82allison]

3rd, do you still live in the same area that she was born in? If so, I think it is time for a talk about her biological mother. Parents talk, and kids listen. And since you teach middle school you know that middle school girls are brutal. If any of them find out that you are NOT your daughter's biological mother, she will be told. I think it would be better coming from you.

Good luck OP.

We live about an hour from where she was born. Yes, I know its time to talk about bio-mom, but I'm also now worried if this is the right time, with all these issues that seem to be going on. I am going to get her into counseling, and have them help me with that process. I realize I can't put it off inevitably, and I also know that we probably should have told her long ago. I agree, I want her to find out from her father and me...not someone else.

 

[LORI522]

As an adoptive mother, this concerns me in a big, huge, glaring way.

But remember that step-parents don't get all the education, social workers, and advice of adoption specialists that we (adoptive parents) get.

And what would you have me do about it NOW? Geez. I'm trying here..

You clearly love this girl and are trying to do the best by her. She is lucky to have a stable, loving mother in her life. I know you are so overwhelmed especially because you are working with muliple issues at once. In a perfect world, you would have already told her about her bio-mom, but now I would suggest having the help of a counselor (and her bio-dad) before telling her. Good luck with everything. And take care of yourself, too.

 

[61292cna]

If you now feel some of this could be autism related, you need to request a complete evaluation by the school right away , as most places allow schools up to 30 days to start testing & depending on the results, you need to get an IEP for 2011/2012 in place as soon as possible.

My DD17 has ADD with some Sensory Integration Issuses & some Autistic traits in the social cues & personal care areas. She was in fifth grade when diagnosed & through medicine & school programs, she is a Junior and involved in a work study program, where she has only been sent home for not being work appropriate in her hygiene twice this year, & is on schedule to graduate in 2012.

You are your daughters greatest advocate stay on top of the schools & doctors & always listen to your instincts!!!

 

[Green Tea]

by her regular pediatrician

A regular pediatrician can and often does make the dx. Don't let anyone make you think you can't be dx by a primary care physician. Given the other things that are happening though, I really think the developmental pediatrician is the way to go. Let that doctor guide you in the direction you need. Maybe the meds need a particular close monitoring and a psych would be better in fine tuning. Maybe the ped can handle the ADHD but she needs help in a specialized way in some other area.

No one here can dx your daughter with autism. You have concerns, and I hope you will have her evaluated by someone you trust.

If you are happy with the pediatrician but feel like you need a little more help in some area, then you are not dropping her familiar doctor for ear aches, sore knees or the flu; just an extra set of eyes to guide you as you help your daughter.

 

[Mkrop]

I have read on lots of threads and the developmental ped also told me that the first drug you try for this may not be the one that works for this specific child. We have been fortunate that the first one we tried at the lowest dose made a huge difference but they made us aware that this might not be the case. In fact we may have to change his dosing as different things change but for now this works. Maybe this is not the right med for her.

 

[BKMETV]

I know you've had a lot of info thrown at you thought tell you about my niece...

she is also in Grade 7 and has finally been diagnosed (by specialists) with a type of ADHD. She doesn't tie knots...she eats things (books, Wii cords, the list goes on) she also does the most bizarre things...fills bags with water and leaves them on the floor, fills the sugar container with water & put it in the fridge...you get the idea. She says she just wanted to see what would happen.

She is very immature for her age and also tends to stare off into space. Add in hormones and the changes a regular teen is going through, and she is definitely a challenge. Her parents are both professionals, definitely no drugs etc. during pregnancy...her mom was fanatical about eating well etc.

Definitely get some professional testing...according to the specialist DN's behaviour is not that unusual for what she has been diagnosed with.

 

[kirstenb1]

A regular pediatrician can and often does make the dx. Don't let anyone make you think you can't be dx by a primary care physician. Given the other things that are happening though, I really think the developmental pediatrician is the way to go. Let that doctor guide you in the direction you need. Maybe the meds need a particular close monitoring and a psych would be better in fine tuning. Maybe the ped can handle the ADHD but she needs help in a specialized way in some other area.

No one here can dx your daughter with autism. You have concerns, and I hope you will have her evaluated by someone you trust.

If you are happy with the pediatrician but feel like you need a little more help in some area, then you are not dropping her familiar doctor for ear aches, sore knees or the flu; just an extra set of eyes to guide you as you help your daughter.

I agree. We have a 13 yr old with ADD. She's very spacy, easily distracted, and her room is appalling. However, she's meticulous about her clothing and hygiene. She sees a child psychiatrist. I could have gone with our regular pediatrician, but I just wanted a second set of eyes and ears, especially now that she's hitting the teen years.

Our younger dd has a mild form of autism. We did go to a developmental pediatrician, actually a team, at our children's hospital. Our regular pediatrician had concerns about this dd since a very early age, and referred us there. We made 2 visits, each of which were a few hours, during the diagnostic phase.

I can't say what is going on with your dd. However, I second the recommendation about having a developmental ped see her.

 

[bluesaturn]

No one here can diagnose your daughter, and hearing all the things that "could be" happening might be causing more stress for you. Take your daughter to a developmental pediatrician or child clinical psychologist and have her evaluated. Follow your instinct on this one and tell the doctor that something is just not right. Ask for cognitive testing. A children's hospital or university psychology clinic are great places to start.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

As someone who works with special needs kids (and I also have one of my own), I would recommend seeing a child psychologist and a pediatriac neurologist. That way, you will be evaluating her needs from both a medical and a psychological perspective.

 

[Wishing on a star]

As someone who works with special needs kids (and I also have one of my own), I would recommend seeing a child psychologist and a pediatriac neurologist. That way, you will be evaluating her needs from both a medical and a psychological perspective.

Yes, again, THIS!

OP, while it may seem overwhelming...
The first thing you need to do is to find a good pediatric child neuro-psychologist... Which would then be followed by counseling with a child/family psychologist.

The ONLY thing that you need to do before that is to get some kind of custody of this child. Because, technically, you are not even this child's relative. You do not have any right to authorize any evaluations, or anything...

Yes, there have been many mistakes made....
Start right here with the two things above.
Then work, one by one, one foot in front of the other, to deal with the other issues and go from there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And what would you have me do about it NOW? Geez. I'm trying here..

Consider yourself well informed, and begin to correct the situation.

 

[a82allison]

Yes, again, THIS!

OP, while it may seem overwhelming...
The first thing you need to do is to find a good pediatric child neuro-psychologist... Which would then be followed by counseling with a child/family psychologist.

The ONLY thing that you need to do before that is to get some kind of custody of this child. Because, technically, you are not even this child's relative. You do not have any right to authorize any evaluations, or anything...

Yes, there have been many mistakes made....
Start right here with the two things above.
Then work, one by one, one foot in front of the other, to deal with the other issues and go from there.

My ex will authorize any evaluations, that is not a problem. A great many mistakes have been made? Really? That is a ridiculous statement. We should have explained bio mom to my daughter before now. One mistake.

I appreciate everybit of advice given in this thread. I will do the best by my daughter. Most everyone has been awesome here. Thank you all.

 

[hollieplus2]

The neighbor boy had a lot of the symptoms your SD seems to be having. He would space out, forget things, depression, ADHD diagnosis but nothing helped. They finally found out he was having (sp?) petite mol seizures. They were small and short so no one noticed the typical seizure symptoms. He was having so many an hour that it would just seem like he was dazed, he was. When he came to he wouldn't remember anything that had happened. So it would look like he was reading for an hour but really he was having like 5 seizures during that time and he didn't know it so he would come to and continue reading but not remember anything he just read. Also to look at him you would never know. Scary stuff.

 

[IDoDis]

I find it interesting that many people on this thread automatically jump to the idea that the OP's SD might have Autism. No wonder Autism is such a growing diagnosis. I've studied this in a post-Master's program (diagnosis of various mental illnesses) and Autism is a highly diagnosed and mis-diagnosed illness because it has become the "accepted" disability. Why? Just read this thread and you'll see that people tend to focus on how "smart" or "brilliant" people with Autism are or can be.

On the contrary, most people with Autism have mental retardation aka developmental disabilities. Those with Asperberger's Syndrome have an average to above average IQ which is what separates them from those with regular Autism. From the OP's post I have not come to the conclusion that this child has a high IQ.

OP, don't try to pre-diagnose your SD. I realize you are asking for help, but then you get all kinds of different suggestions and most people will fall onto the Autism bandwagon. Thinking about the birth mother leads me to think there are other issues, but I'm not going to go into what I think because I don't know this girl at all.

Good luck, OP. As others have said, your SD is lucky to have you. Don't look backwards, just move forward. Oh, and my DD used to be (and sometimes still is) the biggest slob around. When she was in the 6th grade it was an ordeal every night to get her to take a shower. Then one day out of the blue, I heard the shower turn on without the "fight." Then I heard it again the next night, and the next night, etc... Now she wouldn't be caught dead without showering and spending an hour getting ready to go out. Your DD may not be there yet, but with proper guidance and a good dose of hormones (interest in boys), she will hopefully get there. Maybe not as soon as you hope, so hang in there!

 

[beattyfamily]

I find it interesting that many people on this thread automatically jump to the idea that the OP's SD might have Autism. No wonder Autism is such a growing diagnosis. I've studied this in a post-Master's program (diagnosis of various mental illnesses) and Autism is a highly diagnosed and mis-diagnosed illness because it has become the "accepted" disability. Why? Just read this thread and you'll see that people tend to focus on how "smart" or "brilliant" people with Autism are or can be.

On the contrary, most people with Autism have mental retardation aka developmental disabilities. Those with Asperberger's Syndrome have an average to above average IQ which is what separates them from those with regular Autism. From the OP's post I have not come to the conclusion that this child has a high IQ.

OP, don't try to pre-diagnose your SD. I realize you are asking for help, but then you get all kinds of different suggestions and most people will fall onto the Autism bandwagon. Thinking about the birth mother leads me to think there are other issues, but I'm not going to go into what I think because I don't know this girl at all.

Good luck, OP. As others have said, your SD is lucky to have you. Don't look backwards, just move forward. Oh, and my DD used to be (and sometimes still is) the biggest slob around. When she was in the 6th grade it was an ordeal every night to get her to take a shower. Then one day out of the blue, I heard the shower turn on without the "fight." Then I heard it again the next night, and the next night, etc... Now she wouldn't be caught dead without showering and spending an hour getting ready to go out. Your DD may not be there yet, but with proper guidance and a good dose of hormones (interest in boys), she will hopefully get there. Maybe not as soon as you hope, so hang in there!

I don't think anyone here is jumping to conclusions or pre-diagnosing her DD. We are giving our opinions based on her description of her DD and telling her what she might want to do, get an evaluation or at the very least speak to her primary care doctor.

Each person is giving her advice and opinions and there's nothing wrong with that. It's what she wants.