WWYD -- Parenting Dilemma

[Blessedwithboys]

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[Aliceacc]

But what if it was beer? We have beer in the pantry too, although he isn't interested in that. I never snuck alcohol from my parent's stash, just wasn't interested, but what if your child was sneaking alcohol? Should we not have that in the house because he can't have any? I know it's not the exact same thing, but isn't it, kind of?

It's not all that forbidden....no, I wouldn't toss a Snickers in their lunch bag, but they get chocolate chip granola bars, cookies (I make the a lot) and I make things like pies and cupcakes and they not only help/lick the bowl, but we eat a piece after dinner.

As for the chips, well, DH and I are not chip people, we just don't have a taste for them so I don't buy them. Not sure where he gets them, trades at school maybe.

Again, we do view it as stealing....you are not supposed to have this as a snack and you took it anyway. Same as taking a candy bar at the store. Same as taking a beer from the pantry. It's wrong, and they both know it. Candy isn't food; he'd never be punished for taking an apple or granola bar or some carrots. And if he'd asked, I would have said no --- he fully admitted he knew that. When I asked him why, he said he wanted it....that's it, that's the explanation. He said he knew he wasn't supposed to have it, and that he had to go looking (deep) in the pantry behind the flour and sugar to pull it out and get it. (That's how I knew...he wasn't so careful today about putting things back, and his sister spilled the beans)

You and your husband aren't chip people, so your sons can't have chips. But you do like to bake, so they can have cookies?? So your son's tastes in snacks need to match those of you and your husband?

And I also have an issue with "same as stealing at the store." In our home, food belongs to the family. So if there's ice cream in the freezer, it doesn't belong to me or to my husband, but to the family. Sure, I told my daughter this morning that she couldn't have it for breakfast, but after school she was welcome to it... because it wasn't "MINE", it was "OURS"-- no stealing necessary.

I honestly don't think you're being fair. The snacks your sons are allowed to have are the ones that match your fondness for baking. And I think you're setting them up for some major food issues if the only way to get more than one cookie as a school snack is to "steal" some. Unless one of your sons is a diabetic or something... and the homebaked cookies thing seems to imply that he's not-- then I can't imagine why the rules need to be so stringent. Why not have a variety of snacks around the house? Perhaps have the kids request one, and make sure that they mix healthy sacks, like fruit, with less healthy ones, like those homemade cookies, some candy on occasion, and an occasional bag of chips.

Those chip bags that your son ends up with: I imagine he's trading those home baked cookies for them because he's in the mood for salty instead of sweet.

And I don't think the beer comparison holds water. For starters, beer is illegal for minors, candy isn't. More imporant, there's a concrete reason why beer isn't good for them, one they're well aware of. And if you thought that your son was sneaking beer, I'm guessing it would no longer be accessible in your home. Na I'm guessing that if you had a child who was bulemic, you would make sure that laxitives were hard to come by. Yet the candy continues to show up in the back of the pantry.

 

[luvsJack]

I would stop the struggle over food. If you don't want them to have candy then don't have it in the house but maybe allow it as in a special treat to go to the store and get on Saturday.

Or maybe he is just trying to have the same treats as his friends. Maybe give him a few choices on the treats for school. Give him a little control.

 

[kwelch10377]

But what if it was beer? We have beer in the pantry too, although he isn't interested in that. I never snuck alcohol from my parent's stash, just wasn't interested, but what if your child was sneaking alcohol? Should we not have that in the house because he can't have any? I know it's not the exact same thing, but isn't it, kind of?

It's not all that forbidden....no, I wouldn't toss a Snickers in their lunch bag, but they get chocolate chip granola bars, cookies (I make the a lot) and I make things like pies and cupcakes and they not only help/lick the bowl, but we eat a piece after dinner.

As for the chips, well, DH and I are not chip people, we just don't have a taste for them so I don't buy them. Not sure where he gets them, trades at school maybe.

Again, we do view it as stealing....you are not supposed to have this as a snack and you took it anyway. Same as taking a candy bar at the store. Same as taking a beer from the pantry. It's wrong, and they both know it. Candy isn't food; he'd never be punished for taking an apple or granola bar or some carrots. And if he'd asked, I would have said no --- he fully admitted he knew that. When I asked him why, he said he wanted it....that's it, that's the explanation. He said he knew he wasn't supposed to have it, and that he had to go looking (deep) in the pantry behind the flour and sugar to pull it out and get it. (That's how I knew...he wasn't so careful today about putting things back, and his sister spilled the beans)

But it isn't beer. There is a trend of beaing sneaky with food and I think you need to figure out why. It may be nothing, but it doesn't seem that way. Focusing on teaching him a lesson for stealing isn't going to help what might be a totally different issue that caused him to what you say is stealing (FWIW, I agree with others that I see it as sneaking, but that is besides the point).

If you find there isn't another issue with why he is being sneaky about food then address the stealing issue with a appropriate punishment. I don't think the punishment needs to be some life altering teaching punishment, but more of "you ate food you weren't supposed to, you have to replace it by doing X and maybe take away a favorite activity". If there starts to be a trend of stealing then go further than that.

 

[Southernmiss]

I disagree with locking the alcohol. Dh and I don't drink and have old bottles of Bacardi in the cabinet from way back when I used to make daiquiris before kids. My parents always had beer in the house none of us sneaked it. We knew it wasn't for us.

I think putting too many things so out of limits makes it more tempting.

YMMV

 

[Trish.Glenn]

In my opinion your being too hard on yourself about the situation. It may be stealing or it may not be. You said he is a good kid who does his homework etc., maybe he needs to be punished for taking something he knew he shouldn't. But at the same time it gives you a platform to talk about what he would like in the house to eat and maybe come to a compromise that would start after his punishment. Kids do stupid wrong things even great kids. But you sound so upset and you should give yourself a break it wasn't beer it was chocolate. Good luck, I have a 21 year old and their stupid moments get more frequent after 12! Lol

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I disagree with locking the alcohol. Dh and I don't drink and have old bottles of Bacardi in the cabinet from way back when I used to make daiquiris before kids. My parents always had beer in the house none of us sneaked it. We knew it wasn't for us.

I think putting too many things so out of limits makes it more tempting.

YMMV

No, locking up stuff ensures they do not drink your stuff. Just saying...

 

[aprilgail2]

Discovered today that DS12 and DD8 have been stealing candy from the pantry while I'm in the shower in the morning, and hiding it in their backpacks/lunch bags to take to school every day.

DH and I don't feed them candy, soft drinks, cookies or sweets generally, although I do make cookies about once a week and put one in their lunches. The candy is in the pantry for baking.....PB cups to put in cookies, kisses to put in cookies, etc.

It's not the candy that's the issue, it's the sneaking around and stealing. Yes, we view it as stealing. We've told them, if you would be ashamed/afraid to do it with me or DH in the room, you shouldn't do it. This isn't the first time; every now and then, I'd find empty chip wrappers (we don't eat chips, don't know where he gets them) in DS's room or pants pocket, and when he was in K/1st grade, we found out he was ditching his lunch and using his milk money account to buy chips and candy instead.

WWYD? We feel like this is a crossroads, or a crucial lesson that MUST be learned and he's 12 already. (DD8 is a follower and they both admit she told him not to do it but he did it anyway, for weeks apparently) If we don't get this lesson (don't steal) across now, I think we will miss a vital lesson in developing his character.

Yep, he's a Boy Scout by the way, and so kind in other ways to other kids and animals, does his homework, etc. But seems to think that if he wants something, it's OK to just take it, and that whatever the rules are, they simply don't apply if he wants it.

Suggestions please, and please don't post "oh, it's just candy, let kids be kids" because that isn't the point here. Thank you!

There is a big difference between stealing and sneaking some candy! Your strict food rules have caused this. Because you and your husband don't care for chips the kids can't have them?? Its actually mean to have candy there and say you can look at it but don't touch it! I have never limited candy for my daughter, she likes candy but since its always there and she can grab a piece here and there when she feels like it its not the big "forbidden fruit" thing. When she goes trick or treating we actually have to empty out her bag of candy that was still left from the previous year in order to use the same bag to trick or treat. I think you are being totally unreasonable, especially with him being 12 years old, certainly old enough to start policing his own food.

Well it seems that you have set up strict food rules that are now backfiring. I dont view the candy as stealing. Yes sneaking, but not stealing. Obviously theycant ask you for a treat for their bags, hence the need to sneak.What would you have said if they asked you for a piece of candy?

 

[AntePrincess]

I disagree with locking the alcohol. Dh and I don't drink and have old bottles of Bacardi in the cabinet from way back when I used to make daiquiris before kids. My parents always had beer in the house none of us sneaked it. We knew it wasn't for us.

I think putting too many things so out of limits makes it more tempting.

YMMV

I agree. I figure part of raising kids is teaching them self-control and I can't think of a way to do that without giving them the chance to screw up. That's not to say I don't pay attention in case things get out of hand or they start doing something dangerous.

 

[luvsJack]

No, locking up stuff ensures they do not drink your stuff. Just saying...

We have never locked up alcohol. Dh has beer in the fridge. There is rum and tequila in the cabinet. There has always been something. None of the kids touched it.

They have always just known not to. My sons are adults and they still wouldn't take a beer without it being offered.

 

[poohguys]

Did either of your boys admit to taking the candy? That is my problem DS 12 will take cookies or brownies and then try to deny that it was him. He is an only child and I don't think the dog has figured out how to open the microwave and use a knife to cut brownies-lol. We don't keep a lot of sweets in the house, but he is allowed to have them when we do have them within reason. I don't like when he takes stuff I just wish he would say he did it.

 

[disykat]

Honestly? I "sneak" food all the time. I'm just an adult so I get away with it.

I'm on the "lock it up if it's important they don't get into it" side.

We lock up guns, medications, and personal stuff that would be too embarrassing if the kids ever saw it. We also protected our kids from internet and cable television channels we didn't want them accessing and hid Christmas presents. It never occurred to me not to. I remember snooping around when I was a kid. I thought that was normal?

If I have something specific I don't want them to eat, I "hide" it out of sight and don't mention I have it. If I have something for a specific occasion that they know we have (for example - this is being saved for a party...) I expect them to have self control. However, I would never just leave something as tempting as candy in an obvious place on a daily basis and expect them to just walk past it daily without being tempted to take it. That just seems "mean" to me.

I've never been tempted by alcohol and neither have my kids (to my knowledge anyway ,) but we don't normally keep candy in the house because it's a temptation we can't resist. If I discovered alcohol was a temptation to any of us you better believe I'd be getting rid of it or locking it up.

Don't you have anything YOU can't resist?

 

[Poohforyou]

If you make things completely off limits they become overly tempting. OP, perhaps you could ease up on not letting your kids have any of the things they're sneaking. Maybe consider letting them each pick out a small treat once a week and when it's gone that's it. I'd let you sons know you're disappointed they felt the need to sneak things but I wouldn't make a federal case out of it.

 

[FayeW]

What's the dilemma? You call your kid a thief and say he needs to be punished. We say you're wrong and that it's your own fault. Don't be so stingy with the snacks. Problem solved.

Oh, and buy the kid a bag of chips from time to time.

 

[Robbi]

But what if it was beer? We have beer in the pantry too, although he isn't interested in that. I never snuck alcohol from my parent's stash, just wasn't interested, but what if your child was sneaking alcohol? Should we not have that in the house because he can't have any? I know it's not the exact same thing, but isn't it, kind of?

It's not all that forbidden....no, I wouldn't toss a Snickers in their lunch bag, but they get chocolate chip granola bars, cookies (I make the a lot) and I make things like pies and cupcakes and they not only help/lick the bowl, but we eat a piece after dinner.

As for the chips, well, DH and I are not chip people, we just don't have a taste for them so I don't buy them. Not sure where he gets them, trades at school maybe.

Again, we do view it as stealing....you are not supposed to have this as a snack and you took it anyway. Same as taking a candy bar at the store. Same as taking a beer from the pantry. It's wrong, and they both know it. Candy isn't food; he'd never be punished for taking an apple or granola bar or some carrots. And if he'd asked, I would have said no --- he fully admitted he knew that. When I asked him why, he said he wanted it....that's it, that's the explanation. He said he knew he wasn't supposed to have it, and that he had to go looking (deep) in the pantry behind the flour and sugar to pull it out and get it. (That's how I knew...he wasn't so careful today about putting things back, and his sister spilled the beans)

I suggest counseling for all of you. Everything about this is mess.
You base what your children eat upon the likes of yours and your husbands.
Your kids feel the need to sneak food.
You're outraged and accuse them of stealing.
Then you think since they take food that you buy and put in the pantry, they'll try to steal your beer later on.

In case counseling doesn't appeal:

1. Don't buy food the kids are not allowed to have even if it's only for your baking.
2.Don't buy beer.
3.Ask your kids what they like to eat and add it to your grocery list

 

[Sabeking]

sorry just for a few seconds...this reminded me of when I was a kid. I climbed up to the kitchen cabinet that had the baking stuff in it.i took a small can in it that had individually wrapped little squares. I wanted something sweet so bad. My mom asked what I was doing and I said looking for chocolate. She said I promise that is not chocolate! Later that day day I snuck back and popped one of those squares in my mouth. I knew my mom was playing me. Apparently not; it was a bouillon cube

 

[esk]

Honestly? I "sneak" food all the time. I'm just an adult so I get away with it.

If I have something specific I don't want them to eat, I "hide" it out of sight and don't mention I have it. If I have something for a specific occasion that they know we have (for example - this is being saved for a party...) I expect them to have self control. However, I would never just leave something as tempting as candy in an obvious place on a daily basis and expect them to just walk past it daily without being tempted to take it. That just seems "mean" to me.

That's the thing....it isn't in plain sight. The shelves at eye level in the pantry have the lunch items, the pancake mix, the pasta. The high shelf at the back of the pantry (my eye level, not theirs, and they are on the small side) has the baking stuff....flour, sugar, choc chips, crisco, etc. The bag of PB cups and bag of kisses was mixed into the basket with the choc chips, behind the flour and sugar. So it wasn't in plain sight, nobody was walking by it every day.

I'm surprised folks are so offended by the chip thing....we also don't have jalapenos in the house, because DH and I don't like those, or sherbet, or hot dogs. My kids have chips when they are at parties, or at a pot luck, etc....we just don't have it in the house. We do buy things the kids like and we don't, that are healthy....like yogurt, raisins and ramen noodles.

But back to the original topic--thanks, everyone, for the thoughts. I don't know that I'll start giving them candy, but you all have given me lots to think about.

 

[NoSoup4U]

I agree with the 2 below 100%.

It seems to me they are sneaking around having the "forbidden fruit" since you don't let them have candy or chips they are sneaking around getting some anyway.

I think my biggest advice would be don't keep candy in the house and then not let your kids have any. That almost seems mean to me. YES SON it is here but NO SON you can't have any. I would keep the candy some place they can't see it or want it.

But as you have seen with the chips... if they want it they will find a way to get it.

It's an old story, make something forbidden and the kids will want it more.

Maybe letting them have some candy or chips in moderation would make them not want to sneak it out so bad.

I personally would never call my kids a thief for taking food that was inside my pantry.

I can't imagine even having a talk with my kids about STEALING for taking food from the pantry. If it is forbidden it shouldn't even be there.

I think you have set them up to "steal" the candy. I agree with a PP--they are sneaking the candy--not stealing. I think YOU are sending a bad message to your kids by calling this stealing.

I do not think that you should fill kids up with candy and sugar but I also do not think you should "teach" them they have to sneak to eat some candy. It is the forbidden fruit and you have taught them that.

Unless they have a problem like a PP's kid does, I truly think you are going overboard and making it worse than it ever would be otherwise.

Sorry but i really think youre going overboard by calling it stealing. Theyre kids. They like candy... probably because you dont give them any. I wouldnt be keeping candy in the house if you really dont want them to have access to it.

 

[lurkernj]

I disagree with locking the alcohol. Dh and I don't drink and have old bottles of Bacardi in the cabinet from way back when I used to make daiquiris before kids. My parents always had beer in the house none of us sneaked it. We knew it wasn't for us.

I think putting too many things so out of limits makes it more tempting.

YMMV

This one caught my attention. If I was your kid you'd have bottles full of water in your cabinet


And omg, I ate a boullion too, thinking it was fudge!

Op, lighten up and let them have some junk before an eating disorder is formed

 

[HelenePA]

the easiest way to fix this is put a small treat in their lunches.. it wont kill them and they wont have to sneak anything anymore. Problem fixed.