WWYD - Other People's Kids

[NMAmy]

You all need to quit hatin' on beets. I LOVE them!

 

[MrsPete]

Battles over food are harmful

Yep, and they're also unnecessary. Every child's going to TRY the "I don't want to eat ___" at some point, and if you hold your ground a couple times while they're still toddlers, you'll have 2-3 difficult meals, and then they'll learn that the rule is "a couple bites" and you'll move on past that issue.

Also, the child needs to see that you mean what you say in other areas (for example, when you say, "Pick up the toys", there is no option but to pick up the toys). Children who learn that they must listen and obey from an early age aren't going to have big issues later.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

If her parents aren't enforcing any type of mealtime rules with her, I think it's a waste of time for you to try to do so when she's with you. Also, I don't understand why you made something you knew she doesn't like...then set up conditions for dessert based around the disliked food. You're setting up a power struggle situation. And it's a little bit mean, imo.

I think you should enjoy the time you spend with your nieces and stop trying to make up for the parent's poor handling of the situation.

 

[WriteDisney]

Same here....

Another person's warped control issues END when it comes to what I put in my mouth/body.

It is NEVER acceptable to make a control issue out of food.
Period.

I agree!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

hooeey! Hot thread!

Ok, here's how it goes down in my house. When you're over my house, you don't have to eat what I cook, but you're not getting anything else, either.

I am not a short order cook.

I'm not going to force you to eat anything, but you don't get to forage in my pantry if you decide my dinner stinks.

If the family is doing a dessert that night, then I need the kids to eat at least the protein and the veggies. I don't care if they don't eat the starch-but if you want dessert, then you need to eat the protein and the veggies. If you choose not to eat those two items, then you don't get dessert.

No dessert is not going to kill you. And like many things in life, sometimes you have to get past the unpleasant things (like brussell sprouts) to get to the rewards.

I also let the kids put their own portions on the plate-you may hate the spinach salad, but you're also deciding (within reason) how much of it you want to eat.

There are no battles in our household over food-there IS whining about desserts, but I expect that. I say, you know the rules, it's your choice what you eat.

To the OP, I think she outsmarted you in the food battle department; chalk it up to a learning experience and figure out how to make dinner a happier experience next time.

 

[shortbun]

Red flags? What in the world does that mean?

It means that some adults excersize this kind of behavior as a control issue and it's just dumb to make food a control issue. It's why girls cut and become anorexic-they do not feel in control of their lives. Eating is NOT a game and should not be turned into one by adults to coerce children to eat-either with # of bites or holding dessert hostage. Put the food on the table and allow the child to choose which foods they will try or eat. We all need to quit making such an issue over food. Just because a child is forced to take 3 bites does not mean anything was gained-except that the grownup has the power and it's not about that. A picky eater should be led by helping them to grown a garden-plant, water, harvest and perhaps eat their bounty. They can be led by teaching them to cook-maybe they will taste what they've worked hard to make.

 

[RobinFabulous]

It means that some adults excersize this kind of behavior as a control issue and it's just dumb to make food a control issue. It's why girls cut and become anorexic-they do not feel in control of their lives. Eating is NOT a game and should not be turned into one by adults to coerce children to eat-either with # of bites or holding dessert hostage. Put the food on the table and allow the child to choose which foods they will try or eat. We all need to quit making such an issue over food. Just because a child is forced to take 3 bites does not mean anything was gained-except that the grownup has the power and it's not about that. A picky eater should be led by helping them to grown a garden-plant, water, harvest and perhaps eat their bounty. They can be led by teaching them to cook-maybe they will taste what they've worked hard to make.

ITA my oldest is going into 4th grade and some of the girls have food/body issues already. One girl eats only rice everyday at lunch. Hannah says one girl throws up in the bathroom every day after lunch.

Not what I want for my child

 

[MrsPete]

But, like with ANY guest in my home, they're not forced to try anything.

Hmmm . . . you babysit a child on a regular basis . . . is that child a "guest"? I'd say no.

The child is a family member, and the rules are different for family members. When my brothers come over to my house, they can open the refrigerator and help themselves to a drink or leftovers (without asking). I would be downright shocked if my friends -- who are guests -- behaved in the same way.

Likewise, babysitting the child on a regular basis is different from having the child in your house twice a year for a family meal. Does babysitting to you mean "keeping the child alive", or does it mean "helping to raise, educate, and nurture the child"? If you fall into the "babysitters just keep the child alive" camp, then you'd see your job as simply making sure she's safe, popping her in front of the TV, and checking on her occasionally. If you see yourself as taking the place of the parent for those couple hours, then you'd do more talking, more playing games together, more taking to the library and museums, more working together in the kitchen and the yard. But you and I don't know how the OP (and the child's parents) view her role.

 

[robinb]

hooeey! Hot thread!

Ok, here's how it goes down in my house. When you're over my house, you don't have to eat what I cook, but you're not getting anything else, either.

I am not a short order cook.

I'm not going to force you to eat anything, but you don't get to forage in my pantry if you decide my dinner stinks.

If the family is doing a dessert that night, then I need the kids to eat at least the protein and the veggies. I don't care if they don't eat the starch-but if you want dessert, then you need to eat the protein and the veggies. If you choose not to eat those two items, then you don't get dessert.

No dessert is not going to kill you. And like many things in life, sometimes you have to get past the unpleasant things (like brussell sprouts) to get to the rewards.

I also let the kids put their own portions on the plate-you may hate the spinach salad, but you're also deciding (within reason) how much of it you want to eat.

There are no battles in our household over food-there IS whining about desserts, but I expect that. I say, you know the rules, it's your choice what you eat.

To the OP, I think she outsmarted you in the food battle department; chalk it up to a learning experience and figure out how to make dinner a happier experience next time.

I'm curious ... are any of your kids' friends vegetarians? My DD is a vegetarian by choice and does not eat meat. Would she still be required to eat however many bites of dead animal flesh that you consider appropriate before she got dessert?

FWIW, when she goes over to someone's house for a meal for the first time I always tell them she is a vegetarian in advance so they don't plan something like sloppy joes.

 

[daisax]

It's why girls cut and become anorexic-they do not feel in control of their lives.

Those behaviors developed initially as a phenomenon of white suburban American girls -- there are billions of people on the planet with FAR less control over their lives who manage to cope just fine in spite of it.

Making food a battlefield isn't worth the effort, but not because it's going to cause eating disorders.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

You should not be making food a big issue. Food should not become a power struggle. Give the kid healthy choices of things to eat (including dessert) and let her choose what she wants.

My parents made issues over food all the time and tried everything to make me eat. Guess what, I was a picky eater as a kid and I'm still a picky eater 52 years later.

I wouldn't dream of eating something I don't like to make a host/hostess happy--my MIL called me out in front of the entire table of guests when I wouldn't eat jello at her house last year. Guess what, I'm vegetarian, and jello is not vegetarian. Expecting your guests to eat food they don't like is just plain rude, whether they are kids or adults.

 

[RobinFabulous]

Those behaviors developed initially as a phenomenon of white suburban American girls -- there are billions of people on the planet with FAR less control over their lives who manage to cope just fine in spite of it.

Making food a battlefield isn't worth the effort, but not because it's going to cause eating disorders.

Really? I seriously hope that no one close to you ever develops this disease. You obviously have very little sympathy or understanding of it

 

[MrsPete]

I'm curious ... are any of your kids' friends vegetarians? My DD is a vegetarian by choice and does not eat meat. Would she still be required to eat however many bites of dead animal flesh that you consider appropriate before she got dessert?

FWIW, when she goes over to someone's house for a meal for the first time I always tell them she is a vegetarian in advance so they don't plan something like sloppy joes.

No, I wouldn't force a child to eat meat if she was a vegetarian -- but, assuming this is a child who eats in my house regularly, I would make sure that she has appropriate protein foods available and that she eats those.

I see girls at school who decide they're going to be vegetarians, but they don't bother to learn anything about that choice. Somehow this crowd seems to think that a bag of potato chips is a fine meal, and they don't pay any attention to what their body really needs if they give up meat.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Actually, I used that example because I was actually in that situation a couple years ago!

One of my husband's supervisers held a Christmas party at his house every year, and it was QUITE the highpoint of his wife's life. Her children were grown, she'd never worked outside the home, and she SIMPLY LIVED to put on this big show every year. It was of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE to the boss and his wife that everyone came to the party and had a good time.

Ridiculous or not, sometimes we find ourselves in these situations. I choked down that chocolate/peppermint cake because I knew it was expected. I didn't eat the whole thing, and I complimented the hostess on everything -- even the cake.

If it was of the "utmost importance" that everyone had a good time, then you are allowed to say "no thanks" to a dessert. That is your issue.

I don't get that. I am not eating a dessert I do not care for, I don't care who it is. Chocolate/peppermint cake is heartburn waiting to happen for me.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I'm curious ... are any of your kids' friends vegetarians? My DD is a vegetarian by choice and does not eat meat. Would she still be required to eat however many bites of dead animal flesh that you consider appropriate before she got dessert?

FWIW, when she goes over to someone's house for a meal for the first time I always tell them she is a vegetarian in advance so they don't plan something like sloppy joes.

Honey, you are in a bad mood today!

We always compensate for friends/family that make the choice to be vegetarians-typically we know (because since we're their friends, we're aware of differing lifestyle choices of our friends), and typically I'll make a dish that is a meat alternative.

If the child didn't tell me she was a vegetarian until we were sitting down to eat, I'd just say, ok, skip the meat, just eat the starch and the veggie and that's cool.

I just don't see the point in getting so pissed off about food.

ETA: I absolutely would still serve sloppy joe's if your child was coming over. However, sloppy joes for dinner is not a balanced meal. I'd also serve a fruit bowl, and probably a raw spinach salad with feta and pecans with a balsamic vinigrette. As long as your child could stand to sit at the table with the ugly carnivores wolfing down their dead flesh, she'd still find healthy and appropriate choices at our table.

 

[daisax]

Really? I seriously hope that no one close to you ever develops this disease. You obviously have very little sympathy or understanding of it

It's a very sad psychiatric condition - of course I have sympathy for those who have it.

But if it were caused by being forced to clean your plate, 90% of the population born between 1800 and 1970 would have it.

 

[Suz D]

Actually, I agree. One bite is enough to try something. But I believe strongly that children should be required to take that one bite.

This has always been our philosophy. You are REQUIRED to take one bite of everything on your plate...BUT...you can have a napkin at the ready and are allowed to discretely spit it into the napkin if you don't like it. The key is discretely...no gagging noises or other gross things. Our oldest is the least picky eater I've ever known (she'll try anything once). She has learned that she actually LIKES some things that she thought she wouldn't.

We now have a second child who came to us via foster care. She is now 3 and was 5 months old when she came to live with us. We used the same rules with her and she is also a non-picky eater. We have to use motivation to get her to try some things on her plate (we use milk as the motivator... she has to try everything on her plate before she can get her milk or she'll drain the cup in just a few seconds and then be too full to eat LOL!). She doesn't always like things and we allow her to spit them out (sometimes she just swallows them) and then PRAISE her for trying it. Lots of times she actually likes it and will then eat it from now on. The big thing is to stress how proud you are of the child for trying it.

This also addresses changing tastes. Do you find that as an adult you like things that you didn't like as a kid? Our oldest now likes raw tomatoes which she hated several years ago.

Back to your original question OP. I think 3 bites is an excessive amount. I probably would not make eating an issue when a child is staying with me for a short period of time. I definately would back off on that. As others have said, she's not your child to discipline on this issue. Now if she does something like hit a sibling in your presence, that's another story and she should have a consequence such as a time out for that.

Finally, about the lying. I personally would address that in a gentle way. Obviously she knew she would be "in trouble" for what she did or she would not have lied about the sweet potato/napkin thing. If you just pull her aside in a comfortable setting (like sitting together in a big chair or on a couch) and just discuss that you feel sad that she lied to you and that you hope she would never do that again, I think that's about as far as I would go (it's also what I would do the first time I caught my own child lying. It gets the point across without making a federal case out if it THE FIRST TIME. The consequences would get more severe for each additional time. We went through a brief stage with our oldest about lying and the consequence was that for several weeks we questioned anything she said that she could possibly be lying about at all and stressed that lying causes others to lose trust in you. "If we can't trust you we will need to constantly check up on you".)

Okay, off my soapbox and I hope this helps not only you, but others who are dealing with food issues and lying.

Suz D

 

[MrsPete]

Making food a battlefield isn't worth the effort, but not because it's going to cause eating disorders.

Kids who develop eating disorders usually have multiple things going on in their lives -- and those things aren't always centered around the dinner table. Often food is the result, not the culprit.

For example, I'm pretty sure one of my daughter's friends -- a child I know and have been close to for years -- is developing an eating disorder. She picks at her food, takes a few bites, then tears the leftovers apart in such a way that it looks like she's devoured a bunch. I've observed it twice now personally, and I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to say to her mom. I want to be sure of what I'm saying before I open my mouth.

This child's issues don't come from food control at all -- like I said, I've known her forever, and her mom's pretty good about serving healthy foods yet also allowing a moderate amount of treats. BUT in the last year her parents have divorced, her mom has someone new and they've moved into his house, mom's working now, the girl is expected to do basically everything in the household now, and several other major things have happened to disrupt her life emotionally. In particular, mom has made the daughter into her sounding board/best friend, and she's talking to the girl about all the details that broke up her marriage; no one wants to hear her father bad-mouthed! So many changes, so fast, and Mom is CLUELESS -- she doesn't realize that the girl's really not dealing well with all these circumstances. I suspect this is a very common story: Her problems didn't originate in food, but emotional problems show up at the dinner table.

 

[BeccaBellePA]

Ok...just so no one things I'm the menacing cousin/babysitter here, let me clarify a few things. I made a dinner I thought she liked, asked her to eat her vegetables, and did not make a big deal out of it. She still got her fruit salad dessert afterwards and had a good time the rest of the night. No threats of punishment were made. I asked her to eat three bites of sweet potatoes to give them a good, honest try (NOTHING WAS FORCED), she told me she did, but really she threw them away.

My issue with this is that she lied. If you were babysitting, especially a family member, and the child lied to you intentionally, would you tell the parents? That's really all I want to know, please.

 

[rie'smom]

The kid was backed into a corner. She wanted dessert but had to eat 3 bites of something that she didn't want to eat, so she lied. If I had to take 3 bites of beets, I'd end up sharing my meal with everyone because I'd vomit.

If the OP didn't know the kid didn't eat sweet potatoes it's one thing but appparently she knew, fixed them anyway, and set up a power struggle. I would n't be surprised if the kid waited for OP to go to sleep and then snuck dessert.