WWYD DD-22 didn't show up for Christmas

[disneydreamersx4]

My DD-22 lives with my ex and all her life she spends Christmas Day with me. We always go to my inlaws who live near DD. Well, this Christmas it was 4pm and DD-22 didn't show up yet so DD-13 texted her sister and DD-22 never replied. I finally called her father and he would get in touch with her. DD-22 called and said that I never called her that we were at my inlaws" WHAT? I told her the day before what time to come to my inlaws so I didn't think she was waiting for me to call her. I said why didn't she call me, she turned it on me and said why didn't I call her? Okaaaay, I politely ended the call and then texted her that I was sorry she was waiting for a call but that we texted her and she didn't reply and would she like to come over now? It was 8pm. No answer from DD-22. Then I find out from DD-13 that her sister posted on facebook that she is stuck in Philadelphia because of the weather. I forgot that DD-22 mentioned a few weeks ago that she bought tickets for a sport event for Christmas night so now it seems like DD ditched us on Christmas

EDIT - Actually she told me she would see us for Christmas but that she would be going out that night with her friend so she should have come to see us.

I guess I could text her again today and ask her when she would like to exchange Christmas gifts and let it go what she did. But I wonder if I should find out why she didn't see us on Christmas Day.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My DD-22 lives with my ex and all her life she spends Christmas Day with me. We always go to my inlaws who live near DD. Well, this Christmas it was 4pm and DD-22 didn't show up yet so DD-13 texted her sister and DD-22 never replied. I finally called her father and he would get in touch with her. DD-22 called and said that I never called her that we were at my inlaws" WHAT? I told her the day before what time to come to my inlaws so I didn't think she was waiting for me to call her. I said why didn't she call me, she turned it on me and said why didn't I call her? Okaaaay, I politely ended the call and then texted her that I was sorry she was waiting for a call but that we texted her and she didn't reply and would she like to come over now? It was 8pm. No answer from DD-22. Then I find out from DD-13 that her sister posted on facebook that she is stuck in Philadelphia because of the weather. I forgot that DD-22 mentioned a few weeks ago that she bought tickets for a sport event for Christmas night so now it seems like DD ditched us on Christmas

I guess I could text her again today and ask her when she would like to exchange Christmas gifts and let it go what she did. But I wonder if I should find out why she didn't see us on Christmas Day.

So you already knew she had plans for Christmas & forgot.

I do not understand the point of the "trying to figure out why she did not see you". You already know why. She had other plans.

Let it go and meet up with her later and exchange gifts. Tell her "sorry, I forgot you were going to Philly", then give her a hug and kiss and say "Merry Christmas".

Yea, sometimes you want to hit your head on the wall with the older kids but learning how to chill is vital to survival.

 

[golfgal]

As your children grow up they have their own lives and won't always spend the holidays with you. It isn't worth getting upset over because it is just going to make them not want to come in the future.

 

[bballmom56]

Let it go and meet up with her later and exchange gifts. Tell her "sorry, I forgot you were going to Philly", then give her a hug and kiss and say "Merry Christmas".

This is what I would do.

but learning how to chill is vital to survival.

Truer words were never spoken.

 

[Nancyg56]

So you already knew she had plans for Christmas & forgot.

I do not understand the point of the "trying to figure out why she did not see you". You already know why. She had other plans.

Let it go and meet up with her later and exchange gifts. Tell her "sorry, I forgot you were going to Philly", then give her a hug and kiss and say "Merry Christmas".

Yea, sometimes you want to hit your head on the wall with the older kids but learning how to chill is vital to survival.

I would agree, let this go. The best way to make this more than it is is to badger her over a missed Christmas visit.

 

[Ceila]

I'm sorry, but this isn't making sense to me at all. Why did your DD even mention you not calling about when to come to your in-laws when she knew she was stuck in Philly and couldn't come anyway? And why didn't your ex just say she was in Philly? And if you knew but forgot she was there, why are you upset about it now, and not when you found out she was going there? I'm really confused on this one...

 

[castleview]

Let it go and get used to it (kind of). She's 22 and finding her way. I can speak from her experience: If you want DD around on holidays or other days for the rest of your life, don't have high expectations or bad attitudes when it comes to the holidays. She'll find her way back to you. I hardly spoke with my mother through college and the few years after it. Now at 40, I live half a mile from her and speak to her several times a week.

 

[wilderness01]

Well I am going to disagree with the majority of you.

You forgot she was going to Philly. Fine, no big deal. BUT, if she was stuck in Philly and knew she wouldn't get to see you, why is she turning this around on you? I think your daughter owes you the phonecall, not you owing her the phonecall.

I agree I wouldn't make it a big deal. But I also wouldn't let her hang a guilt trip on me for supposedly not letting her know the time to be there. Sounds like she is playing a game, and I would end the game now by not playing along.

 

[Agri]

I'm sorry, but this isn't making sense to me at all. Why did your DD even mention you not calling about when to come to your in-laws when she knew she was stuck in Philly and couldn't come anyway? And why didn't your ex just say she was in Philly? And if you knew but forgot she was there, why are you upset about it now, and not when you found out she was going there? I'm really confused on this one...

I think what is really telling is this "DD" is missing from her signature and lives with the OP's ex. And that the OP forgot that her "DD" had tickets to a sporting event - On Christmas! That is something that would stick out in my mind - especially if said DD had always spent Christmas with me. I really don't understand why OP didn't just call her "DD", but relied on communication through her ex and her 13 year old.

It sounds like there is more going on in this relationship dynamic and that quite possibly the oldest DD has had enough of spending Christmas with her mother and did not know the best way to handle it.

 

[scottishduffy]

She had other plans. You knew of the other plans and forgot.

As children get older they no longer spend every holiday with mom and dad. Just because an older child is not married does not mean they don't have other plans. Let it go.

Perhaps she did not remind you because she was worried of your reaction or your being upset, which it appears you are. She is 22 and has her own life now. Arrange another time to exchange gifts. Learning to compromise like this will help you much in your future adult relationship with your child. Don't lay a guilt trip on her, it will just increase the chance you won't see her on other Christmases as well.

 

[luvsJack]

I get what everyone is saying but I still don't understand why the dd said anything to her mom about not calling when they got to the inlaws? If she couldn't get there what possible difference would it make?

OP, is it possible that you were supposed to call her when you got there so that she could wish everyone a Merry Christmas by phone or something? Otherwise it doesn't make any sense. Also, if you told her before what time you would be getting to the inlaws, why didn't she say then "remember mom, I won't be there"?

I do get the texts though. DD texts her brothers and sister in laws all the time for me. Especially if its just a quick message like "what time do you think you will be here" or something of that nature.

 

[bubie2.5]

I think what is really telling is this "DD" is missing from her signature and lives with the OP's ex. And that the OP forgot that her "DD" had tickets to a sporting event - On Christmas! That is something that would stick out in my mind - especially if said DD had always spent Christmas with me. I really don't understand why OP didn't just call her "DD", but relied on communication through her ex and her 13 year old.

It sounds like there is more going on in this relationship dynamic and that quite possibly the oldest DD has had enough of spending Christmas with her mother and did not know the best way to handle it.

 

[MissUndastood]

I think what is really telling is this "DD" is missing from her signature and lives with the OP's ex. And that the OP forgot that her "DD" had tickets to a sporting event - On Christmas! That is something that would stick out in my mind - especially if said DD had always spent Christmas with me. I really don't understand why OP didn't just call her "DD", but relied on communication through her ex and her 13 year old.

It sounds like there is more going on in this relationship dynamic and that quite possibly the oldest DD has had enough of spending Christmas with her mother and did not know the best way to handle it.

The bolded part really jumped out at me too. Kind of odd.

I agree with all your sentiments as well.

 

[Hannathy]

I think what is really telling is this "DD" is missing from her signature and lives with the OP's ex. And that the OP forgot that her "DD" had tickets to a sporting event - On Christmas! That is something that would stick out in my mind - especially if said DD had always spent Christmas with me. I really don't understand why OP didn't just call her "DD", but relied on communication through her ex and her 13 year old.

It sounds like there is more going on in this relationship dynamic and that quite possibly the oldest DD has had enough of spending Christmas with her mother and did not know the best way to handle it.

This is what I was thinking! I think there is a lot more to this equation than just the missing Christmas. Leading up to Christmas there was only 1 phone call? no discussing plans and seeing when it would be a good time to have dinner or when she could make it? or talking about her going to a sporting event rather than a family Christmas? Or a Merry Christmas phone call, see you when you get her? And waiting all day to hear from her or to see if she came? And you never called? then when she didn't answer if she lives close I would have driven over to her place to make sure she was ok.

 

[Disney Doll]

OK, so she told you she had tickets to a sporting event on Christmas Day night which you forgot about.
But then she told you that she would see you on Christmas. How she thought she could do this with haviong the plan to go to the sproting event I don't know?
Then when you contacted her to say "Where are you?" why didn't she just say "I got stuck at the sporting event because of the weather"?

Sounds like there are more issues here than just missing Christmas Day.

As far as what would I do? Well, that depends on the outcome I wanted. If I weanted to maintain a relationship with my daughter, I'd call her and make a plan for when you guys could get together and "do" Christmas. If I wanted to drive her away, I'd make an issue of this "failure to communiacte".

 

[luvsJack]

OP, you edited your post. Are you saying that you thought she would be able to be with you on Christmas day AND go to the event that night?

Which, actually, would make perfect sense.

I still don't get why she just didn't say where she was when you talked to her though.

 

[disneydreamersx4]

I edited the original post in bold because it was late last night and I forgot to say that DD was going to come over and go to sports event later that night. Yes, this DD and I are not close because of her own choosing, I wanted to be involved in her life every other weekend but that interfered with her plans with her friends so she resented me. As far as getting in touch with her Christmas night, we were getting to inlaws at 3 and we texted her at 4pm.

I think I will take your advice and let it go and just ask her when she would like to exchange presents. I don't know why she was turning this into my fault but I guess she didn't want to tell me that she was already in Philly and was skipping us this Christmas.
That would have been better if she had told us though instead of having us wonder where she was.

 

[luvsJack]

I edited the original post in bold because it was late last night and I forgot to say that DD was going to come over and go to sports event later that night. Yes, this DD and I are not close because of her own choosing, I wanted to be involved in her life every other weekend but that interfered with her plans with her friends so she resented me. As far as getting in touch with her Christmas night, we were getting to inlaws at 3 and we texted her at 4pm.

I think I will take your advice and let it go and just ask her when she would like to exchange presents.

Sounds like the best idea. Too much miscommunication all the way around. I do wonder why she wasn't with you earlier in the day?

 

[disneydreamersx4]

OP, you edited your post. Are you saying that you thought she would be able to be with you on Christmas day AND go to the event that night?

Which, actually, would make perfect sense.

I still don't get why she just didn't say where she was when you talked to her though.

Yes, I am saying she told me she was visiting us and going to the event.

 

[luvmy3]

My DD-22 lives with my ex and all her life she spends Christmas Day with me. We always go to my inlaws who live near DD. Well, this Christmas it was 4pm and DD-22 didn't show up yet so DD-13 texted her sister and DD-22 never replied. I finally called her father and he would get in touch with her. DD-22 called and said that I never called her that we were at my inlaws" WHAT? I told her the day before what time to come to my inlaws so I didn't think she was waiting for me to call her. I said why didn't she call me, she turned it on me and said why didn't I call her? Okaaaay, I politely ended the call and then texted her that I was sorry she was waiting for a call but that we texted her and she didn't reply and would she like to come over now? It was 8pm. No answer from DD-22. Then I find out from DD-13 that her sister posted on facebook that she is stuck in Philadelphia because of the weather. I forgot that DD-22 mentioned a few weeks ago that she bought tickets for a sport event for Christmas night so now it seems like DD ditched us on Christmas

EDIT - Actually she told me she would see us for Christmas but that she would be going out that night with her friend so she should have come to see us.

I guess I could text her again today and ask her when she would like to exchange Christmas gifts and let it go what she did. But I wonder if I should find out why she didn't see us on Christmas Day.

Maybe your dd forgot that you told her what time, or maybe she thought you said you'd call her. You forgot she had pland on Christmas night so its not so unbelieveable that she would also forget something. Maybe she had orginally planned to have time to see everyone before the event, but it didn't work out that way, sometimes that happens.
I would let it go and just find time to spend together, it doesn't matter thats its not Christmas day, what is important is that you do get to spend time with eachother.