WWYD DD-22 didn't show up for Christmas

[The Mystery Machine]

I edited the original post in bold because it was late last night and I forgot to say that DD was going to come over and go to sports event later that night. Yes, this DD and I are not close because of her own choosing, I wanted to be involved in her life every other weekend but that interfered with her plans with her friends so she resented me. As far as getting in touch with her Christmas night, we were getting to inlaws at 3 and we texted her at 4pm.

I think I will take your advice and let it go and just ask her when she would like to exchange presents. I don't know why she was turning this into my fault but I guess she didn't want to tell me that she was already in Philly and was skipping us this Christmas.
That would have been better if she had told us though instead of having us wonder where she was.

If you are dealing with a resentful young adult, I would stop pressuring her period.

Sounds like you need to back off and let time heal some wounds on both sides.

She knows how to hurt you and vice versa. I would ditch that dynamic for a new one.

For example....You ask her when you are going to see her and she says _____. Then does not show. You continually let it go until things change between you. In other words you cannot continue on the "usual" path you guys take.

I hope that makes sense. It is like a "prodigal son" approach. When you do see her, you gush and are happy. Like dog training. If you scold when you see her she will not want to return.

I know that is a terrible example but it is easy to understand.

 

[disneydreamersx4]

Believe me, there was no pressure on Christmas towards DD. I just called her and said is everything ok, you haven't showed up. To which she blamed me for not calling her. I told her I didn't know I was supposed to call her because I had already told her what time to be there the day before.
It seems as though she might have had these plans NOT to show up all along and didn't want to tell us. I am sad that she made other plans but just like she doesn't make plans to come on vacations with us I get over it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would have to give another adult the freedom to plan as they wish for the holidays.

However, the head-games, lies, innuendo, etc...

I just don't 'DO' that... Wouldn't be flying far here...

I hate to say it, but I kind of suspect that this is going on with both the daughter and the OP??????

 

[Planogirl]

OP, I think that you'd be wise not to play along. I would just tell her that you'd like to get together to visit and exchange presents and leave it at that. None of us know your actual family dynamics or what really happened but it sounds like she might be a bit resentful and she is an adult so all you can really do is wait it out in a way. Good luck.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I edited the original post in bold because it was late last night and I forgot to say that DD was going to come over and go to sports event later that night. Yes, this DD and I are not close because of her own choosing, I wanted to be involved in her life every other weekend but that interfered with her plans with her friends so she resented me. As far as getting in touch with her Christmas night, we were getting to inlaws at 3 and we texted her at 4pm.

I think I will take your advice and let it go and just ask her when she would like to exchange presents. I don't know why she was turning this into my fault but I guess she didn't want to tell me that she was already in Philly and was skipping us this Christmas.
That would have been better if she had told us though instead of having us wonder where she was.

Believe me, there was no pressure on Christmas towards DD. I just called her and said is everything ok, you haven't showed up. To which she blamed me for not calling her. I told her I didn't know I was supposed to call her because I had already told her what time to be there the day before.
It seems as though she might have had these plans NOT to show up all along and didn't want to tell us. I am sad that she made other plans but just like she doesn't make plans to come on vacations with us I get over it.

You seem to place a great deal of importance on who's fault something is and where the blame gets put, as if that's a #1 priority and it's important that YOU are never one who can be blamed for anything. Or, more to the point, you are right and she is wrong.

I've been around family members like that and I make it a point to not be around them as much as I can. They may be great people and all, but it's like they're keeping some mental scoreboard in their heads that goes back for decades. The have a crystal clarity sense of recall over who did what to whom or who said what to whom and how much that action or word hurt them. It doesn't matter how much I've apologized or grown in my life, in their opinion I'm wrong, I'll always be wrong, and here is the list of the 100's of reasons why I'm wrong and they're right:

You initially said this and I said that then you said X and when I repeated it back and said you were wrong you said blah blah blah blah blah blah but I only said this because you said that blah blah blah blah. Ad infintum.​

Who needs that? On Christmas or any other day for that matter? It's best to simply avoid them and live my happy life in the now with friends and family who aren't that way.

That's my situation. I don't know if that's the relationship you have with your daughter, but I wanted to point out that I see traits in your posts that I recognize in my own family members that I don't want to spend time with. Especially the holidays when I'm surrounded by happier folk.

As far as what would I do? Well, that depends on the outcome I wanted. If I weanted to maintain a relationship with my daughter, I'd call her and make a plan for when you guys could get together and "do" Christmas. If I wanted to drive her away, I'd make an issue of this "failure to communiacte".

Bingo. Right on the nose.

 

[cm8]

]As your children grow up they have their own lives and won't always spend the holidays with you.[/B] It isn't worth getting upset over because it is just going to make them not want to come in the future.

 

[MrsPete]

She may be an adult, but she definitely owed her mother a phone call on Christmas morning. I don't think this is the only problem in this relationship -- it's written between every line.

 

[sunnyday123]

I think what is really telling is this "DD" is missing from her signature and lives with the OP's ex. And that the OP forgot that her "DD" had tickets to a sporting event - On Christmas! That is something that would stick out in my mind - especially if said DD had always spent Christmas with me. I really don't understand why OP didn't just call her "DD", but relied on communication through her ex and her 13 year old.

It sounds like there is more going on in this relationship dynamic and that quite possibly the oldest DD has had enough of spending Christmas with her mother and did not know the best way to handle it.

That's what I was thinking. Maybe she wanted her Mother to call her, and felt slighted when she didn't.

 

[C.Ann]

So you already knew she had plans for Christmas & forgot.

I do not understand the point of the "trying to figure out why she did not see you". You already know why. She had other plans.

Let it go and meet up with her later and exchange gifts. Tell her "sorry, I forgot you were going to Philly", then give her a hug and kiss and say "Merry Christmas".

Yea, sometimes you want to hit your head on the wall with the older kids but learning how to chill is vital to survival.

I agree.. At the age of 22, I think it's pretty typical for some kids to blow off their parents in favor of being with their friends - regardless of what holiday or special occasion it is..

I would just let it go - and do as suggested above..

 

[sunnyday123]

Believe me, there was no pressure on Christmas towards DD. I just called her and said is everything ok, you haven't showed up. To which she blamed me for not calling her. I told her I didn't know I was supposed to call her because I had already told her what time to be there the day before.
It seems as though she might have had these plans NOT to show up all along and didn't want to tell us. I am sad that she made other plans but just like she doesn't make plans to come on vacations with us I get over it.

Not even a "Merry Christmas Sweetie!" call? I hate when people play the "I'm not calling you, you're supposed to call me" game.

And the line about not making plans to vacation with you and you "get over it" sounds very telling about your relationship.

 

[castleview]

I would have to give another adult the freedom to plan as they wish for the holidays.

However, the head-games, lies, innuendo, etc...

I just don't 'DO' that... Wouldn't be flying far here...

I hate to say it, but I kind of suspect that this is going on with both the daughter and the OP??????

It is another crazy instance when I agree with Wishing On A Star. Head games and innuendo are annoying, exhausting, and just bad for everyone's health. Don't waste time with that junk.

 

[Liberty Belle]

My DD-22 lives with my ex and all her life she spends Christmas Day with me. We always go to my inlaws who live near DD. Well, this Christmas it was 4pm and DD-22 didn't show up yet so DD-13 texted her sister and DD-22 never replied. I finally called her father and he would get in touch with her. DD-22 called and said that I never called her that we were at my inlaws" WHAT? I told her the day before what time to come to my inlaws so I didn't think she was waiting for me to call her. I said why didn't she call me, she turned it on me and said why didn't I call her? Okaaaay, I politely ended the call and then texted her that I was sorry she was waiting for a call but that we texted her and she didn't reply and would she like to come over now? It was 8pm. No answer from DD-22. Then I find out from DD-13 that her sister posted on facebook that she is stuck in Philadelphia because of the weather. I forgot that DD-22 mentioned a few weeks ago that she bought tickets for a sport event for Christmas night so now it seems like DD ditched us on Christmas

EDIT - Actually she told me she would see us for Christmas but that she would be going out that night with her friend so she should have come to see us.

I guess I could text her again today and ask her when she would like to exchange Christmas gifts and let it go what she did. But I wonder if I should find out why she didn't see us on Christmas Day.

She seems to feel slighted somehow. I think that is what's really important, not trying to figure out why who didn't call who. A twenty-two year old still needs her parents - maybe she feels you haven't been there for her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is another crazy instance when I agree with Wishing On A Star.

OMG!!!!!!!!

 

[lillygator]

I think what is really telling is this "DD" is missing from her signature and lives with the OP's ex. And that the OP forgot that her "DD" had tickets to a sporting event - On Christmas! That is something that would stick out in my mind - especially if said DD had always spent Christmas with me. I really don't understand why OP didn't just call her "DD", but relied on communication through her ex and her 13 year old.

It sounds like there is more going on in this relationship dynamic and that quite possibly the oldest DD has had enough of spending Christmas with her mother and did not know the best way to handle it.

I agree.

 

[proud_canadian]

I feel so bad for the DD22 who isn't even listed in her mother's signiture! How sad....

I also don't think there are going to be any sporting events on Christmas day.... All the professional sports take a break so the athletes can be with their families, and I imagine amateur sports would do the same.

Lastly, the whole story is confusing.... I don't understand why you didn't confirm the plans before xmas, call her xmas morning, or call her directly instaed of using the younger DD texting to get the messaeg across... sounds like too many games to me.

But really, I just feel sad for DD22 not being listed in the signiture....

 

[luvsJack]

OP, why isn't your daughter in your signature?

 

[debster812]

I feel so bad for the DD22 who isn't even listed in her mother's signiture! How sad....

I also don't think there are going to be any sporting events on Christmas day.... All the professional sports take a break so the athletes can be with their families, and I imagine amateur sports would do the same.

Lastly, the whole story is confusing.... I don't understand why you didn't confirm the plans before xmas, call her xmas morning, or call her directly instaed of using the younger DD texting to get the messaeg across... sounds like too many games to me.

But really, I just feel sad for DD22 not being listed in the signiture....

Here in the states, there were several professional basketball games held on Christmas Day, and there was one professional football game as well.

 

[faith]

Get together with her and share a good time. Better for you both to remember that, than an argument over something you can't change now.

 

[MichelleVW]

I feel so bad for the DD22 who isn't even listed in her mother's signiture! How sad....

I also don't think there are going to be any sporting events on Christmas day.... All the professional sports take a break so the athletes can be with their families, and I imagine amateur sports would do the same.

Lastly, the whole story is confusing.... I don't understand why you didn't confirm the plans before xmas, call her xmas morning, or call her directly instaed of using the younger DD texting to get the messaeg across... sounds like too many games to me.

But really, I just feel sad for DD22 not being listed in the signiture....

Ok...that's just crazy talk!!! No sports on Christmas??? Sorry, but I love sports every day of the year!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I feel so bad for the DD22 who isn't even listed in her mother's signiture! How sad....

I also don't think there are going to be any sporting events on Christmas day.... All the professional sports take a break so the athletes can be with their families, and I imagine amateur sports would do the same.

Lastly, the whole story is confusing.... I don't understand why you didn't confirm the plans before xmas, call her xmas morning, or call her directly instaed of using the younger DD texting to get the messaeg across... sounds like too many games to me.

But really, I just feel sad for DD22 not being listed in the signiture....

Maybe in Canada? There are sports everyday here.