Would your feelings be hurt?

[Stacy9402]

My husband did not do anything for our tenth anniversary? No flowers - nothing. It felt like I had to make him take me out to dinner - which he said he wasn't hungry and we ended up at a mexican restaurant (I do not like mexican all that well - but did find something and it was ok). I did give him chocolates and a present that he had been looking for that I found. I also had bought some special things for us thinking we were going some place but didn't give them to him because my feelings were hurt.

We have 3 daughters - and the youngest daughters birthday is the day before our anniversary. His mom was in town so we had a babysitter and money is not the problem. I knew we would be home to celebrate our youngest birthday but thought we would just go somewheres for a couple of nights starting on our anniversary.

We haven't really ever done anything for our anniversary - some years one of us was in the hospital for various things. We went to Disney 3 years ago and he promised we would go out then since his parents was with us - but that didn't happen. Even last year he was saying things to make me think our 10th we would go do something special and celebrate.

So my feelings are hurt and he doesn't understand. He says our anniversary can be celebrated whenever we like - it doesn't have to be that day - but I think that day is written in stone and maybe if he wanted to go somewhere but it had to be at a later date then he could at least put it in a card and gave me flowers.

He is now taking me to NYC for a couple of days and saying that is our anniversary celebration but I feel like it is not because it is just an afterthought.

So am I justified feeling hurt?

 

[jennyjinx3]

My husband did not do anything for our tenth anniversary? No flowers - nothing. It felt like I had to make him take me out to dinner - which he said he wasn't hungry and we ended up at a mexican restaurant (I do not like mexican all that well - but did find something and it was ok). I did give him chocolates and a present that he had been looking for that I found. I also had bought some special things for us thinking we were going some place but didn't give them to him because my feelings were hurt.

We have 3 daughters - and the youngest daughters birthday is the day before our anniversary. His mom was in town so we had a babysitter and money is not the problem. I knew we would be home to celebrate our youngest birthday but thought we would just go somewheres for a couple of nights starting on our anniversary.

We haven't really ever done anything for our anniversary - some years one of us was in the hospital for various things. We went to Disney 3 years ago and he promised we would go out then since his parents was with us - but that didn't happen. Even last year he was saying things to make me think our 10th we would go do something special and celebrate.

So my feelings are hurt and he doesn't understand. He says our anniversary can be celebrated whenever we like - it doesn't have to be that day - but I think that day is written in stone and maybe if he wanted to go somewhere but it had to be at a later date then he could at least put it in a card and gave me flowers.

He is now taking me to NYC for a couple of days and saying that is our anniversary celebration but I feel like it is not because it is just an afterthought.

So am I justified feeling hurt?

I think I would be hurt also. Sometimes men just don't get it. Ten years is a big thing!

 

[Squirlz]

Yes, that was thoughtless. I've been guilty of similar things and I don't blame my Wife for feeling hurt. I have learned my lesson though.

 

[Christine]

Well, it's hard to say if my feelings would have been hurt. But if your feelings are hurt, then your feelings are valid.

What I see in your post is that you and your husband have VERY different ideas about anniversaries. Some people want a lot of flourish on wedding anniversaries and some people think getting all fussy on a specific day on the calendar is a little weird. Neither person is wrong.

A few things need to happen here. First, you need to figure out if your husband treats you well on the other 364 days of the year. Do you feel loved and cherished and happy in your marriage? If so, then maybe you need to realize that he's not going to be the guy who is going to make big plans on this day.

Or, you can tell your husband that anniversaries on the EXACT day are very important to you and it bothers you when he doesn't recognize it. It wouldn't be hard for him to try to make a special effort every year either.

You just need to figure out how you're going to communicate over this and get it out in the open rather than walk around feeling hurt.

I swear this is one of those things that needs to be addressed in pre-marriage counseling. People who require romance and attention on specific days should NOT marry people who find that stuff difficult to do and vice versa. It gets to be a real sore spot.

 

[kirstenb1]

Yes, I'd be hurt too.

 

[disykat]

Since you don't usually do a big deal for anniversaries, did he know the 10th was a big deal to you?

DH and I always talk about whether we're going to celebrate and, if so, how prior to birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc. That way there are no misunderstandings.

 

[worm761]

My feelings wouldn't really be hurt. I know that my DH is not psychic. I tell him what I want to do for our anniversary and he pays for it. It works for us.

Your problem here is that you expected something of your husband but you never told him. And now he is trying to make it up to you but you don't like that either. What is going to make you happy? Figure that out and then tell him what he can do to fix it.

 

[mikehn]

I used to be guilty of this. but I quickly learned that the key to a happy marriage is to make sure not to miss things like anniversaries, birthdays, and other important dates.

 

[thankudrivethru]

I would be hurt too, but men are not mind readers.You kinda got to tell them what you want. It seems like maybe the communication is lacking a bit

 

[DopeyDame]

You have 3 daughters and you've been married for 10 years, which I'm guessing means your girls are still pretty young. Which I'm guessing also means that the two of you are busy, overwhelmed, and tired a good 90% of the time.

I also just celebrated my 10 year anniversary, and I only have one young child - and it was still a struggle for us to do anything huge. My husband and I talked a lot about it, and decided what we would do (we did go away for the weekend, but somewhere close to home). It was a joint decision, and we didn't put any expectations on the other person.

Assuming your marriage is otherwise strong, and he treats you well and with love and respect, I think this is one of those things that you have to chalk up to miscommunication and differing expectations. And now you know for your 15th that you'll have to plan something if you want it.

Hugs.

 

[englishteacha]

My husband doesn't make a big deal of birthdays or anniversaries unless I remind him a dozen or so times. I had to specifically tell him that I wanted to go out for our anniversary. If he doesn't make a big deal of things that you think should be a big deal, then you need to tell him, in advance. Or at least ask. "Honey, our 10th anniversary is in a few days. How should we celebrate? I'd love to go out for a nice dinner."

My husband is not psychic. I set him up for failure if I don't tell him what I want or expect. I'm involved in local theater, and I had to specifically tell him that it's customary for a husband to get his wife flowers when she is in a play or directs a play. It had never, ever occurred to him that he should get me flowers. He now knows that birthdays are a big deal, anniversaries, too. It took 10 years of training him. (and a giant heart on the calendar on our wedding anniversary.)

 

[mjkacmom]

I might have been hurt - I've been with DH about 25 years now, and it took me a LONG time to realize that he's not that guy who is going to book a romantic dinner, or getaway, or buy that oh so thoughtful gift. He is who he is! If I want any of these things, I have to do them myself.

For our 10th, we took a cruise. No, it wasn't on our actual anniversary, and I planned the whole thing. I was very happy!

My birthday is a few weeks after valentines day. For my birthday, he handed me my valentines day card, which was still laying around. If I wanted more, I'd have to be very specific.

Give up hoping, give up hinting, and just tell him exactly what you want. And if he doesn't do it, just do it yourself. Trust me, you will be a lot less disappointed!

 

[hereyago]

Well, from now on YOU have to take the bull by the horns and "help" him when the next anniversary comes around.

 

[MrsDuck]

I'd be hurt as well.

 

[superme80]

Yes my feelings would be hurt. You need to sit your DH down and explain to him why you are hurt and how you guys can better plan in the future. DH and I have only been married 5 years, but our anniversary is always getting pushed to the side. DH and I talked about what anniversaries are important to us, 10 and 15 are the ones that come to mind. And that take out and a movie on the couch are ok the rest of the times. Congrats on 10 years!!!!!

 

[Pakey]

No, I would not be hurt. I've never been sentimental about stuff like that.

If my husband was sentimental (he's not) about this type of thing and I knew it, I would try to make an effort. However, if he hadn't informed me ahead of time that it was a big deal to him, I wouldn't have made that leap.

I'm sorry you were hurt. If you tell him these things are a big deal to you, hopefully he will put out more effort in the future.

 

[Mrs.Malone]

I guess I'd be somewhere in between. I'd feel hurt, but I'd try to let that go and really enjoy NYC.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes..... my feelings would be hurt.

 

[thankudrivethru]

i would of ordered myself flowers if that is what i wanted for my 10th! Men are not mind readers, we have to communicate to them in words what we want and how we feel to get through to them.

 

[ironpig70]

Guess since I am a man and don't have feelings I would not be bothered by it.

Been married 15 years and just about forgot about it this year. Heck if my didn't text me in the morning I would not have stopped and gotten a card and flowers.

Like the OP's husband I don't see dates nailed in stone. Figure we can do something before or after or simply do nothing at all and its okay.