Would you want to know?

[declansdad]

I can't imagine not knowing. I am adopted and I have adopted. It is near and dear to my heart.

If you don't know you are adopted, you would never feel any differently.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Don't know why you quoted me, Kelly???? Seem to be argumentative here, for absolutely no reason.

I am in complete and total agreement, and have mentioned that there are possibly (if not PROBABLY) personal motives and issues on both sides. And that things do not seem to be upfront and truthful on BOTH sides.

No matter what or how or who one chooses to judge or point fingers out... One thing is for certain. The FB thing is totally and completely inappropriate. Period. I had missed that this was back when the child was only 13. (OMG!) And even if the kid were a becoming, technically, a very young adult... any FB is just highly inappropriate.

 

[cabanafrau]

Serious question (not being cheeky) if these parents have moved and are unlisted, there is possibly no adoption agency to contact since its within family, what proper channels are you suggesting?

Maybe Facebook wasn't an impulsive act but the only way to make any contact.
My understanding is that he made contact with the parents not the girl.
I am not sure why a private Facebook message is any different to an email or even a letter in this day and age.

No way I'm buying Facebook was the only option open to reaching out to this family. Unlike many adoption situations he knows their names and where they resided previously. If he cannot locate the family under his own efforts he certainly could have hired a private investigator to track them down so he could send them a letter.

Nope, Facebook was simply an easy (lazy) way to do it and did not take into consideration the possibility of the child seeing it unbeknownst to her family and the possible repercussions that may have had on a 12 or 13 year old -- whether she did or did not know the circumstances of her birth. Remember, he no longer can hide behind the scared teenager being mercilessly manipulated story 12 or 13 years down the line. If his daughter was truly any kind of priority for him at this point he would have carefully thought through any and every action he took.

 

[cabanafrau]

Don't know why you quoted me, Kelly???? Seem to be argumentative here, for absolutely no reason.

I am in complete and total agreement, and have mentioned that there are possibly (if not PROBABLY) personal motives and issues on both sides. And that things do not seem to be upfront and truthful on BOTH sides.

No matter what or how or who one chooses to judge or point fingers out... One thing is for certain. The FB thing is totally and completely inappropriate. Period. I had missed that this was back when the child was only 13. (OMG!) And even if the kid were a becoming, technically, a very young adult... any FB is just highly inappropriate.

I don't understand where you have any indication of anything untruthful or not being upfront on the part of the maternal family? Is it possible they acted shady? Sure, it's entirely possible. We don't have anything to even suggest that. The fact they are raising their granddaughter/his daughter is hardly an indictment of their character. Going dark on Facebook isn't untruthful or not being upfront. They have zero obligation to this man, legally or ethically.

 

[leebee]

I think what may be different here, and forgive me if someone said it later on, but comparing the feelings of an adoptee who knows they were adopted with this potential situation is apples and oranges. I think the question is not for current adoptees (although I think there insight was great just not relevant here) but the question is to everyone who currently believes their parents to be their bio parents- how would you feel if someone came and changed that.

With known adoptees they have other concerns to work through, but they don't have the "my whole life is a lie" issues or "all my core family members lied to me" burden that a secret adoptee would have. This would be completely altering someone's reality that their entire childhood/parental bond was built on.

I agree with the bolded. As the OP is assuming that the girl doesn't know she is adopted at all, it really is a question for those of us who believe that our parents are our biological parents: How would you feel if, out of the blue, you learned from a stranger that your parents really aren't your parents at all?

I have a "cousin" (actually the daughter of my mom's college roommate and best friend) who knows she is adopted by her 3rd mother's husband and believes that her mother's 2nd husband is her bio-dad. What she doesn't know is that her mother and husband #2 adopted her when she was 2 days old, at a time when adoptions were sealed and very hush-hush. My cousin is in her mid-60s and still doesn't know. She probably never will. ALL the relatives who might have been in a position to know (i.e., her mom's and mom's 2nd husband's families, her mom and dad, and my parents) have passed away, and both families were very small with no additional cousins so there really IS nobody left on either sides of the family. (It's really how we came to become "cousins;" our moms were SO close and neither sides of either families are very big, so we are all we had growing up.) ANYHOW... I have good reason to believe that my sister and I are the only ones who know that my cousin was fully adopted by her parents at birth (because my mom told us about 35 years ago), and I feel no compelling reason to tell her. She is a happily married woman, a mother and grandmother, and I don't see any good reason to change this. There is nobody to corroborate it, and, well... it's something that her mother didn't want her to know at the time, for whatever reason. I honestly don't believe it's my information to have had in the first place (NEVER tell my mom anything in confidence, she's always going to tell someone), and don't see what purpose it'd serve to "tell" now. (NOW... I cannot 100% guarantee that she doesn't know and just didn't tell me, but I know that when we were in our mid 20s she didn't know, and her relationship with her parents never seemed to have changed, so I'll assume that she still doesn't.) It's really not something I worry about, but this thread made me remember it.

 

[cabanafrau]

I agree with the bolded. As the OP is assuming that the girl doesn't know she is adopted at all, it really is a question for those of us who believe that our parents are our biological parents: How would you feel if, out of the blue, you learned from a stranger that your parents really aren't your parents at all?

I have a "cousin" (actually the daughter of my mom's college roommate and best friend) who knows she is adopted by her 3rd mother's husband and believes that her mother's 2nd husband is her bio-dad. What she doesn't know is that her mother and husband #2 adopted her when she was 2 days old, at a time when adoptions were sealed and very hush-hush. My cousin is in her mid-60s and still doesn't know. She probably never will. ALL the relatives who might have been in a position to know (i.e., her mom's and mom's 2nd husband's families, her mom and dad, and my parents) have passed away, and both families were very small with no additional cousins so there really IS nobody left on either sides of the family. (It's really how we came to become "cousins;" our moms were SO close and neither sides of either families are very big, so we are all we had growing up.) ANYHOW... I have good reason to believe that my sister and I are the only ones who know that my cousin was fully adopted by her parents at birth (because my mom told us about 35 years ago), and I feel no compelling reason to tell her. She is a happily married woman, a mother and grandmother, and I don't see any good reason to change this. There is nobody to corroborate it, and, well... it's something that her mother didn't want her to know at the time, for whatever reason. I honestly don't believe it's my information to have had in the first place (NEVER tell my mom anything in confidence, she's always going to tell someone), and don't see what purpose it'd serve to "tell" now. (NOW... I cannot 100% guarantee that she doesn't know and just didn't tell me, but I know that when we were in our mid 20s she didn't know, and her relationship with her parents never seemed to have changed, so I'll assume that she still doesn't.) It's really not something I worry about, but this thread made me remember it.

It's really hard on people when facts are revealed when everyone else involved is deceased, very traumatic. I've seen a lot of that type of issue crop up in the probate arena where you're not talking about things like biology but rather possessions and bequests over personal items. We're talking more sentimental value than dollar value, and it stirs things up in a way you would never dream. I cannot imagine what could potentially happen with the type of situation you describe with your cousin if she was completely unaware and then found out now when she cannot approach her parents to discuss it.

 

[gwynne]

I agree with the bolded. As the OP is assuming that the girl doesn't know she is adopted at all, it really is a question for those of us who believe that our parents are our biological parents: How would you feel if, out of the blue, you learned from a stranger that your parents really aren't your parents at all?

I have a "cousin" (actually the daughter of my mom's college roommate and best friend) who knows she is adopted by her 3rd mother's husband and believes that her mother's 2nd husband is her bio-dad. What she doesn't know is that her mother and husband #2 adopted her when she was 2 days old, at a time when adoptions were sealed and very hush-hush. My cousin is in her mid-60s and still doesn't know. She probably never will. ALL the relatives who might have been in a position to know (i.e., her mom's and mom's 2nd husband's families, her mom and dad, and my parents) have passed away, and both families were very small with no additional cousins so there really IS nobody left on either sides of the family. (It's really how we came to become "cousins;" our moms were SO close and neither sides of either families are very big, so we are all we had growing up.) ANYHOW... I have good reason to believe that my sister and I are the only ones who know that my cousin was fully adopted by her parents at birth (because my mom told us about 35 years ago), and I feel no compelling reason to tell her. She is a happily married woman, a mother and grandmother, and I don't see any good reason to change this. There is nobody to corroborate it, and, well... it's something that her mother didn't want her to know at the time, for whatever reason. I honestly don't believe it's my information to have had in the first place (NEVER tell my mom anything in confidence, she's always going to tell someone), and don't see what purpose it'd serve to "tell" now. (NOW... I cannot 100% guarantee that she doesn't know and just didn't tell me, but I know that when we were in our mid 20s she didn't know, and her relationship with her parents never seemed to have changed, so I'll assume that she still doesn't.) It's really not something I worry about, but this thread made me remember it.

Sometimes the very best thing you can do is choose the kind path. This sounds like one of those situations.

 

[DawnM]

If you don't know you are adopted, you would never feel any differently.

That would be fine and dandy if it is always a secret. But secrets have ways of getting out eventually.

 

[mom2rtk]

That would be fine and dandy if it is always a secret. But secrets have ways of getting out eventually.

No doubt. I think people have a right to know. If the parents/grandparents never told the 20 year old, that's really unfortunate.

But I still feel very strongly that it's not bio dad's call. He gave that up when he signed away his rights. That right belongs with the people he surrendered his child to. He needs to register and walk away.

 

[aristocatz]

I did not read all of the 19 pages of replies, but from what I did see, most posters say its not a good idea.

I have a friend who went through a similar situation, as the adopted child. She didn't know she was adopted until she was a young adult & found out by fluke. When she found out, she tried to track down her bio mom, but it was too late-bio mom had passed away Friend was very angry at her family for not revealing this sooner, because she felt that it should have been her choice to decide whether she wanted a relationship with her biological mother & not anyone else's choice to make for her.

If it were me, I would feel that I owe it to my child (or adopted child) to tell them the truth. If they choose not to follow up on it, that is their own choice. But I would feel that they should have this information to be able to make their own choice before its too late. I also agree with some previous posters who suggested to seek out professional advice prior to making your decision to do this.

 

[DawnM]

No doubt. I think people have a right to now. If the parents/grandparents never told the 20 year old, that's really unfortunate.

But I still feel very strongly that it's not bio dad's call. He gave that up when he signed away his rights. That right belongs with the people he surrendered his child to. He needs to register and walk away.

I would agree with you if she were under 18, but as an adult, I don't think they get to make the call.

 

[cabanafrau]

I would agree with you if she were under 18, but as an adult, I don't think they get to make the call.

The people who stood up and raised the child don't get a say, but a parent who laid down and said, nah, I'm not doing it and keep this on the down low does?

 

[gwynne]

I would agree with you if she were under 18, but as an adult, I don't think they get to make the call.

Well, but once again, we are back to truth at any cost. I'm not a believer in that. The good news is that registries are available.
Drop in birth parents may "think" they are doing what's truthful and right, but good grief. They are doing what works for them.
I'll say it: If a birth parent really cares, they will get counseling and go through a registry. They have no idea what is going on in the young adult's life at any given time.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You actually said evil and despicable in describing them.

Okay, this thread has gone thru so many gyrations...
The OP is no longer here.
And, this is now totally beating a dead horse...

But seems several here believe the above, and keep wanting to harp on it.
So, before I bow completely out...
I never, ever, called these particular grandparents evil and despicable...
I very clearly stated, in general, that I would feel that any parents/grandparents/whomever that would purposefully create and perpetuate this kind of lie.... then after that, just threw in those expressive terms.

I have stated very clearly, directly to the OP, (who does seem to feel fairly sure that this family has lied, based on what her and her DH have seen on FB, etc) and she seemed to say that pretty directly thru the first pages of this thread, and seems to basing her whole attitude and entitlement on this thought) "IF they did such a thing... While I feel that would be very very wrong... That doesn't justify any action on your and your DH's part... I have stated very clearly, more than once, Even IF they have done such a thing, TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT.

I do wish that some posters here would actually read the entirety of the comment and not make assumptions and put words in other peoples mouths.

 

[declansdad]

I would agree with you if she were under 18, but as an adult, I don't think they get to make the call.

Again, if she doesn't know she was adopted, there is no call to make.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would agree with you if she were under 18, but as an adult, I don't think they get to make the call.

Maybe not, but I keep thinking about the tone of the posts the OP had, and they disturb me. First, I am not at all sure that the child knows or does not know the circumstances that surround her birth, and that to me is important. But lets suppose that she does not, as the OP has suggested. She is 20, and believes that the people who loved her all of her life are her biological parents. She is then treated to "Surprise!!!!! You are living a lie!!!!!!!!!!!" The OP has not once considered that her posts (see below an example) totally attempt to negate the relationship this child has with her parents. Each one reinforces that her husband, now that he is all grown up, is this child's father, and the man who raised her is not. The OP knows that this introduction can ruin this innocents girls life, but wants to chance it. I have no experience with adoption other than to know people who were adopted, and we never got into a conversation deep enough for me to pry, so any feedback I have is simply as a mother. I would move Heaven and Earth to protect my child, be she 2, 12, 22, or 52, if I thought that someone's introduction into her life would be destructive. With the attitude I have sensed, this circumstance might be one that made me think long and hard how to deal with these people.

Thanks. I believe he has decided to reach out to her adopted father (grandfather) first.

This is what I mean. he "adopted father????" Her "grandfather"????? No. Her father. this man is the outsider who needs to have his role categorized.

 

[cabanafrau]

Okay, this thread has gone thru so many gyrations...
The OP is no longer here.
And, this is now totally beating a dead horse...

But seems several here believe the above, and keep wanting to harp on it.
So, before I bow completely out...
I never, ever, called these particular grandparents evil and despicable...
I very clearly stated, in general, that I would feel that any parents/grandparents/whomever that would purposefully create and perpetuate this kind of lie.... then after that, just threw in those expressive terms.

I have stated very clearly, directly to the OP, (who does seem to feel fairly sure that this family has lied, based on what her and her DH have seen on FB, etc) and she seemed to say that pretty directly thru the first pages of this thread, and seems to basing her whole attitude and entitlement on this thought) "IF they did such a thing... While I feel that would be very very wrong... That doesn't justify any action on your and your DH's part... I have stated very clearly, more than once, Even IF they have done such a thing, TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT.

I do wish that some posters here would actually read the entirety of the comment and not make assumptions and put words in other peoples mouths.

As you said, OP is no longer participating, so I'll ask you to come up with even the most fragile of straws to be grasped about what OP or her husband could have possibly seen on Facebook to indicate the kid has no idea of the circumstances of her birth? I cannot for the life of me come up with anything they could have put out there to be seen on Facebook to indicate this, while still keeping it a secret from the girl herself? The logic will not compute for me, but maybe you can tell me what I'm overlooking?

 

[Coonhound]

This is what I mean. he "adopted father????" Her "grandfather"????? No. Her father. this man is the outsider who needs to have his role categorized.

.

But, to be fair, or at least completely truthful, he IS her adopted father AND her biological grandfather. That does not mean he is not every bit of her real dad. If he raised her, he's her dad! In her life and in her eyes he is dad. But, you can't deny the truth that biologically he is her grandfather and he adopted her to become her dad. SHE is certainly free to deny that or ignore that, since it is her life and her story and she will most likely only want to recognize the man who raised her as her real dad with no other, and that makes sense and is great..But it is silly to assume that there is in other truth- I mean, that is the truth, too- even if the girl feels no need to acknowledge that she has another father and this man is technically her grandfather- and why should she feel any need to acknowledge that, she doesn't have to- the truth is still there underneath.


Isn't this whole conversation, though, based on a guess that the girl doesn't know she's adopted?? She could have been told the truth- the OP is assuming she wasn't told. Yet the OP does not really know the girl and has no insider information as to her family dynamic...it is a pretty big jump to assume she wasn't told she was adopted.

 

[MainMom]

.

But, to be fair, or at least completely truthful, he IS her adopted father AND her biological grandfather. That does not mean he is not every bit of her real dad. If he raised her, he's her dad! In her life and in her eyes he is dad. But, you can't deny the truth that biologically he is her grandfather and he adopted her to become her dad. SHE is certainly free to deny that or ignore that, since it is her life and her story and she will most likely only want to recognize the man who raised her as her real dad with no other, and that makes sense and is great..But it is silly to assume that there is in other truth- I mean, that is the truth, too- even if the girl feels no need to acknowledge that she has another father and this man is technically her grandfather- and why should she feel any need to acknowledge that, she doesn't have to- the truth is still there underneath.

She does NOT have another Father, she has a sperm donor. If and when they establish a relationship and she chooses to call him father THEN he is her Father. To say otherwise is to belittle the relationships which is what the OP is trying to do. Her husband obviously considers himself the Father. That is wrong. In no way is he the Father until she says so. Father is a special title. You don't get to claim it when you signed away your rights.

 

[Coonhound]

She does NOT have another Father, she has a sperm donor. If and when they establish a relationship and she chooses to call him father THEN he is her Father. To say otherwise is to belittle the relationships which is what the OP is trying to do. Her husband obviously considers himself the Father. That is wrong. In no way is he the Father until she says so. Father is a special title. You don't get to claim it when you signed away your rights.

I think she should be calling him the biological father rather than just plain father. I agree that he is not her real father because he is not the one who raised him. But technically speaking she does have another father, a biological one. Do you call a woman who gives up a baby for adoption an "egg donor" or do you call her the biological mother or the birth mother or something like that?