Would you want to know?

[Hikergirl]

Wishing on a star, you are free to disagree, I'm not going to argue with your opinions just because they are different.

I don't think the grandparents are evil because they deleted their FB when the OP's dh contacted them. The daughter at the time was 12/13, and who knows what maybe seeing something on FB would have done to her. IMHO, going the FB route was the wrong way to go about getting in touch. Again, we are getting the OP's version of what happened and her assumptions as to why. Not everything in this situation is black and white.

 

[MainMom]

Yes, NH, that could very well be true.
But, if this family were being upfront and truthful, could they not have simply informed him of that?

Something here is just not upfront and truthful.

Putting myself in their shoes, I would have the same reaction-delete, block, whatever. I would not respond. I don't owe it to you to respond. The child is not yours and you do not have a right to any information about them.

The truth is he signed away his rights. The truth is the grandparents get to decide. That was said loud and clear when they deleted/blocked.

 

[Magpie]

If someone contacted me now and told me that was the case, that my 16 year old sister was really my mother this is what would happen:

I would hate the person that told me and ruined the relationship with my family.
I would hate my "parents" for the lie.
I would hate my "siblings" or who I thought were my siblings for the lie.

Basically I think I would end up losing contact an hating every member of my family older then me. I honestly don't see me feeling any other way then honestly cutting off most of my current family moving away with my husband and starting over without any of them becuase I would be so upset about letting me live all my life as a lie.

So as much as I generally like truth in this instance I would have prefered that no one brought it up and feel like by telling me they ruined everything. So it would make me go from having a loving family to no family at all, all because some selfish person couldn't keep his mouth shut and just let me keep happily living the lie.

I wanted to respond to this part because I have a relative who adopted his daughter when she was 2. He has known her since she was born and raised her as his own since the day she was born. The girl is closer to my grandparents then my whole family(parents, sister's and their families) We have always lived far away from our family and my grandparents watched her when her parents were working as a child. The girl is now in her 30s. She only found out she was adopted in her early 20s. We were at my grandfather's funeral and she happened to mention that she had discovered her birth certificate was changed. We don't know what she was told but my relative was there since her birth and married her mom when the child was 2 so she is in the wedding pictures. When she was younger I know they were planning to tell her she was adopted but she was watching the movie Annie and remarked," I'm glad I'm not like that girl I know who my daddy is. Ugh!!

The part that gets me in this comment regarding how this person would feel knowing others in the family knew and didn't say anything. I have tried to put myself in her situation wondering if she would be upset at everyone in the family for not saying anything. Would she be angry that I knew? I was 10 when she was born and I just accepted her as my cousin. It isn't my place to say anything. I guess if it is ever found out I could just act like I didn't know what happened. Heck I only see the family twice a year growing up and haven't been back since 2009. I guess I just feel some guilt because of keeping the secret. Honestly I can't imagine our family without this girl. Her parents are now divorced and both have a great relationship with their daughter.

Just to offer a different perspective, on what it feels like to have family secrets suddenly come to light...

I have a friend whose mother told her that she was her "one and only". Her mother told her, repeatedly, that my friend was the only child she'd ever had.

Fast forward many years, and my friend gets an unexpected invite to a "family reunion". She's thinking, "How much family could we possibly have?" but goes, expecting to meet perhaps some unknown cousins.

Instead she meets three half-siblings.

It turns out her mother had a number of other children with previous partners, whom she'd given up for adoption, and they'd all finally tracked each other down. Her mother's only comment was, "I didn't think it was any of your business." My friend is now convinced she must have spent a little bit of time in foster care as a toddler (though her mother denied it and swore the vague memories she had of living with a nice older couple were just of her "babysitters").

She didn't hate her mother for the lie. She thinks her siblings are fantastic and is thrilled to see how well they've all done for themselves. They all stay in touch on Facebook.

She does wish her mother could have told her more of the truth before she died. All of the siblings wonder if there aren't more of them out there somewhere. But, if anything, having even just a bit of the truth finally come out helped my friend understand her mother better and make peace with her before she died. She's even more tolerant of her mother's widower, than she used to be.

I can definitely see being upset about being lied to. My friend was definitely upset! But, at the end of the day, my friend still had a mother (and some new siblings!).

So... I guess my question for you is, would you really hate every member of your family older than you and end up with no family at all, if someone told you they were your biological parent? Is biology the only thing holding your family together right now?

(That said, your cousin already knows she's adopted. I really don't think it matters anymore what you knew when you were ten.)

 

[cabanafrau]

Hikergirl, and Sunshine Highway....
I don't think anyone is making any assumptions here (except by the OP) that the grandparents have been evil manipulators.
And I have to respectfully, and very strongly disagree.
Here is what the OP posted:


That seems to be a huge "Period, end of story."

Not only did this family want the legal freedom and protection of having full custody and rights, (which I could understand) they have actively tried to keep any contact or relationship at all from being established. That is all I need to know... In no way is it ever considered 'the best thing' for the child/young adult to perpetuate a huge lie and to try to control contact with a family member.

As I said earlier...
While, IMHO, this family is very very very WRONG.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
All indications seem to be that any efforts to go around this situation and sideline this kid are very sure to be met by her only known family with a lot of negativity, conflict, turmoil, pain, suffering..... I can't begin to imagine how this would ever be in any 20 year old's best interest.

The OP would like to think that her DH is just so great that this kid would be so blessed to have him in her life.
But, that is a very narcissistic and one sided viewpoint.
It could very well be a very painful curse.

It could very well be that this girl's family on the maternal side views OP's husband as an unsavory person based on the fact he got their daughter pregnant, hid the pregnancy from his parents, made no attempt to stay in his daughter's life or provide for her at all before signing away his rights. It may even be true that there was the extensive delay in signing away his rights because he was hiding the situation from his parents & the secret would have been revealed if he had attempted to sign earlier.

We have no evidence at all that there is any lie at all. That is speculation from the OP. OP wasn't around during this time in her now husband's life -- it's likely she didn't even know him then. It's also not uncommon for people to tell their stories about their past through a bit of a filter that shows them to be more of a person they wish they had been than they actually were. People even frequently shade their backstories in their own minds because some of the messy details are too painful to hang onto. People are human and have frailties and those types of things happen all the time.

I do agree that the idea of opening up contact and putting the situation out in the open is being advertised as beneficial when it may very well do damage to a young woman's world, while any potential fallout is unlikely to do any damage to those determined to make contact and tell "the truth". Pretty easy to engage in a risky proposition when other people are the ones likely to face the consequences of failure. Generally parents move heaven and earth to make sure their children don't pay the price for what the parent does.

 

[cabanafrau]

Wishing on a star, you are free to disagree, I'm not going to argue with your opinions just because they are different.

I don't think the grandparents are evil because they deleted their FB when the OP's dh contacted them. The daughter at the time was 12/13, and who knows what maybe seeing something on FB would have done to her. IMHO, going the FB route was the wrong way to go about getting in touch. Again, we are getting the OP's version of what happened and her assumptions as to why. Not everything in this situation is black and white.

Quite frankly IMO the facebook route was reckless in that it could have easily been seen by the child without warning or even supervision to know that she had seen such a thing. It was also IMO a lazy way to attempt to open up contact, the kind of thinking that a 16 or 18 year old might apply to what efforts they could or should take in the situation. Eh, I'm on facebook, let's just see what happens if I message them with zero thought of the potential for things to go wrong and without putting any real skin in the game myself. Absolutely inappropriate actions 12 to 13 years down the line with maturity gained in years and parenting in between.

 

[Miskey]

Hikergirl, and Sunshine Highway....
I don't think anyone is making any assumptions here (except by the OP) that the grandparents have been evil manipulators.
And I have to respectfully, and very strongly disagree.
Here is what the OP posted:


That seems to be a huge "Period, end of story."

Not only did this family want the legal freedom and protection of having full custody and rights, (which I could understand) they have actively tried to keep any contact or relationship at all from being established. That is all I need to know... In no way is it ever considered 'the best thing' for the child/young adult to perpetuate a huge lie and to try to control contact with a family member.

As I said earlier...
While, IMHO, this family is very very very WRONG.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
All indications seem to be that any efforts to go around this situation and sideline this kid are very sure to be met by her only known family with a lot of negativity, conflict, turmoil, pain, suffering..... I can't begin to imagine how this would ever be in any 20 year old's best interest.

The OP would like to think that her DH is just so great that this kid would be so blessed to have him in her life.
But, that is a very narcissistic and one sided viewpoint.
It could very well be a very painful curse.

I can't be reading this right. Are you seriously saying this child's parents are evil manipulators because they didn't respond to ONE facebook message 6 years ago, and then chose to block the sender of the message? That's quite a stretch.

You said, "In no way is it ever considered 'the best thing' for the child/young adult to perpetuate a huge lie and to try to control contact with a family member." I strongly beg to differ. Unfortunately there are many circumstances where parents must control contact with an individual, even if it is a family member. You are just assuming they didn't want contact in order to maintain "their lie". It is just as possible that the child knows she was adopted and the parents didn't want contact in order to protect the child. A lot of assumptions are being made about the adopted parents, but truthfully, we know nothing about the biological father and what kind of person he is

 

[cabanafrau]

I can't be reading this right. Are you seriously saying this child's parents are evil manipulators because they didn't respond to ONE facebook message 6 years ago, and then chose to block the sender of the message? That's quite a stretch.

You said, "In no way is it ever considered 'the best thing' for the child/young adult to perpetuate a huge lie and to try to control contact with a family member." I strongly beg to differ. Unfortunately there are many circumstances where parents must control contact with an individual, even if it is a family member. You are just assuming they didn't want contact in order to maintain "their lie". It is just as possible that the child knows she was adopted and the parents didn't want contact in order to protect the child. A lot of assumptions are being made about the adopted parents, but truthfully, we know nothing about the biological father and what kind of person he is

To be technically clear, the voluntary release of parental rights means that the girl's family are not in fact blocking contact with a family member by blocking and deleting facebook. OP's DH is not in fact this girl's family member because of a very serious choice he made VOLUNTARILY years ago. That choice included abdicating responsibilities as a parent to others willing to step into the breach and make sure a child was cared for and nurtured.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Totally moot point.

I, personally, feel that any grand-parent, or parent, who would purposefully conspire to perpetuate a lie and to keep the truth from a child, as has been described, is very, very, very, wrong. Evil and despicable, actually....
Having said that, to the OP, I would have to say that two wrongs do not make a right.

Hikergirl, and Sunshine Highway....
I don't think anyone is making any assumptions here (except by the OP) that the grandparents have been evil manipulators.
And I have to respectfully, and very strongly disagree.
Here is what the OP posted:


That seems to be a huge "Period, end of story."

Not only did this family want the legal freedom and protection of having full custody and rights, (which I could understand) they have actively tried to keep any contact or relationship at all from being established. That is all I need to know... In no way is it ever considered 'the best thing' for the child/young adult to perpetuate a huge lie and to try to control contact with a family member.

As I said earlier...
While, IMHO, this family is very very very WRONG.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
All indications seem to be that any efforts to go around this situation and sideline this kid are very sure to be met by her only known family with a lot of negativity, conflict, turmoil, pain, suffering..... I can't begin to imagine how this would ever be in any 20 year old's best interest.

The OP would like to think that her DH is just so great that this kid would be so blessed to have him in her life.
But, that is a very narcissistic and one sided viewpoint.
It could very well be a very painful curse.

You actually said evil and despicable in describing them. It's really semantics to say oh nobody is calling them evil and manipulative just because you're describing them as evil and despicable. The op did describe them as manipulative. She might not have actually said evil, you did. Calling someone evil is harsh. It's taking it to an extreme level.

Note i really don't feel like getting into a petty back and forth about it but just to be clear you are the one that described them as evil.

 

[Miskey]

To be technically clear, the voluntary release of parental rights means that the girl's family are not in fact blocking contact with a family member by blocking and deleting facebook. OP's DH is not in fact this girl's family member because of a very serious choice he made VOLUNTARILY years ago. That choice included abdicating responsibilities as a parent to others willing to step into the breach and make sure a child was cared for and nurtured.

I completely agree and should have worded that better.

 

[cabanafrau]

I completely agree and should have worded that better.

Nope, you were spot on. I was just making it clear to those who are chasing at the windmill that this girl is being kept from her "family".

 

[mom2rtk]

Quite frankly IMO the facebook route was reckless in that it could have easily been seen by the child without warning or even supervision to know that she had seen such a thing. It was also IMO a lazy way to attempt to open up contact, the kind of thinking that a 16 or 18 year old might apply to what efforts they could or should take in the situation. Eh, I'm on facebook, let's just see what happens if I message them with zero thought of the potential for things to go wrong and without putting any real skin in the game myself. Absolutely inappropriate actions 12 to 13 years down the line with maturity gained in years and parenting in between.

And honestly, even if they had kept it secret up to that point, I have to think that seeing the bio dad show up on Facebook could easily have motivated them to tell her the truth at that time.

 

[cabanafrau]

And honestly, even if they had kept it secret up to that point, I have to think that seeing the bio dad show up on Facebook could easily have motivated them to tell her the truth at that time.

Entirely possible. I know were I in their shoes and the secret had been kept that long I would think long and hard about what type of kid I was dealing with and consider seeking professional advice about whether or how to share the info. with her. I also might consider waiting to see if further attempt to contact was made before upsetting the apple cart, simply because I'd want to know who this guy grew up to be before I considered the reveal. The lazy contact attempt after so many years and then none since then wouldn't suggest to me that he was of great strength of character and follow through to be honest.

Another thing is who knows what their lives were like at that particular time? Who's to say there couldn't have been something like a breast cancer battle going on at the time & the facebook shutdown was the practical step to take at that point?

 

[indimom]

My husband was adopted by his step-father. He was aware he was adopted, but had no memories of his birth father, and had no interest in pursuing a relationship. He had two bothers. One was interested in a relationship, the other was not.
The brother who was interested did eventually meet their father when they were all adults, and proceeded to foist a relationship on his brothers. They both were polite to this bio-dad, but they were not interested, and it made life more complicated/difficult. They both felt it was a slap in the face to the man who did raise them. They felt it was hard on their mother.

Mom and dad never said anything to indicate they were upset or disapproved, but I'm positive it wasn't easy for them either. Bio-dad was at most family events hosted by the interested brother, at school events for that brother's kids, etc. Everyone was polite/friendly, but it wasn't their choice to be involved with this man.

Bio-dad recently and suddenly passed away, so there will be no other "breakthroughs" in this particular group of relationships. I doubt there would have been. It's just a fact that two of the three brothers didn't feel a need for this man in their life.

I have no doubt, DH would have been just fine going through life without ever meeting bio-dad. All it added to his life was some stress and pressure from other family members. Bio-dad seemed like a nice enough guy, he was just never going to be a dad to my husband or his other brother. This experience did not resolve any issues for them or add any positive experience to their life.

I have another family member who was not adopted, but whose bio-dad left before their birth. This family member is aware of the circumstances of their birth. And they have no interest in looking up bio-dad.

Not everyone "wants to know" or is "searching for their heritage" or "missing out" or whatever.

So, in my opinion, any reconciliation should only be instigated by the child, NOT by any other well-meaning family member. And if the young adult really does NOT know about the adoption, I still think it's not the bio's right to step in an inform them.

OP, encourage your husband to join a registry. Then let it go.

 

[sunshinehighway]

You know, another thing is they have no idea about the health (both physical and mental) of this young woman. Opening this can of worms would be hard for a completely healthy person. Can you imagine if she has some type of health issues. Yeah I know the dis loves to jump to health problem but I'm not saying she does. I guess I'm just saying these a lot of other factors that say leave it alone and let her make contact if she wants.

 

[gotomu212]

You don't pay support when you waive your parental rights. I am quite sure he isn't trying to be a parent now, just would like to get to know her. That is different.

How can you possibly know if you would want to know or not if you haven't been in that situation? You can't know. You can speculate, you can guess, you can think, but you can't know.

I am on message boards with THOUSANDS of adoptees looking and wanting to know. In fact, I have not met one adoptee who isn't curious and doesn't want to know. I have met a few who haven't pursued it because they are afraid or nervous, but not that they don't want to know.

I think what may be different here, and forgive me if someone said it later on, but comparing the feelings of an adoptee who knows they were adopted with this potential situation is apples and oranges. I think the question is not for current adoptees (although I think there insight was great just not relevant here) but the question is to everyone who currently believes their parents to be their bio parents- how would you feel if someone came and changed that.

With known adoptees they have other concerns to work through, but they don't have the "my whole life is a lie" issues or "all my core family members lied to me" burden that a secret adoptee would have. This would be completely altering someone's reality that their entire childhood/parental bond was built on.

 

[mom2rtk]

You know, another thing is they have no idea about the health (both physical and mental) of this young woman. Opening this can of worms would be hard for a completely healthy person. Can you imagine if she has some type of health issues. Yeah I know the dis loves to jump to health problem but I'm not saying she does. I guess I'm just saying these a lot of other factors that say leave it alone and let her make contact if she wants.

I had the same thought. Some young adults struggle with emotional or mental health issues. What if she is one of them and this would further complicate a precarious situation? Nobody knows anything about this young lady, but just assumes she's a happy healthy well adjusted young woman. There's no way to know that or how having this dumped on her now would affect her life.

Even if she is happy and healthy, she's still of the age she might be in college. Maybe it would be a terrible distraction at this point in her life.

I totally understand the comment by the PP who said their counselor had advised against sharing the information in this period of life.

 

[Aliceacc]

And once again, it's entirely possible that she has always known that her father waived his rights.

She's 20; she can do the math. She knows her mom had her at 18. She knows her birth dad was a kid.

It's entirely possible that she's always known that her father was out there. She may already have access to his name and address should she ever care to make contact. She may have been frightened to have this stranger reach out to her when she was 13, under the "I am your real father" pretext, and may have begged her mom or grandparents to close the Facebook account.

It's entirely possible that it's not a case of evil grandparents separating her from her "real" father-- but instead, her version of "I do NOT want you in my life. If I did, I would have contacted you by now. Please respect my choice."

That's what all this is about. The OP's husband made a choice at the age of 18. (And my heart breaks for any teens dealing with pregnancy. I'm sure that none of the choices are good ones. I've taught thousands of 16 and 18 year olds over the year. While they're capable of making a baby, they're not nearly as sophisticated as some here would believe.)

But he made his choice. And in 20 years, he's made 1 attempt to contact the young woman, and is considering a second. That's another choice he is considering. He chose to waive parental rights. He chose not to be there through all the nights of feeding a toddler, through all the years of trying to pay for diapers and braces, though the stomach bugs and the new teeth and the bumps and bruises and those lovely middle school years, and the first time she was dumped by a guy. Now, when she's all grown up, when the parenting is just about done, he chooses to swoop in.

When do her choices start to matter?

 

[cabanafrau]

And once again, it's entirely possible that she has always known that her father waived his rights.

She's 20; she can do the math. She knows her mom had her at 18. She knows her birth dad was a kid.

It's entirely possible that she's always known that her father was out there. She may already have access to his name and address should she ever care to make contact. She may have been frightened to have this stranger reach out to her when she was 13, under the "I am your real father" pretext, and may have begged her mom or grandparents to close the Facebook account.

It's entirely possible that it's not a case of evil grandparents separating her from her "real" father-- but instead, her version of "I do NOT want you in my life. If I did, I would have contacted you by now. Please respect my choice."

That's what all this is about. The OP's husband made a choice at the age of 18. (And my heart breaks for any teens dealing with pregnancy. I'm sure that none of the choices are good ones. I've taught thousands of 16 and 18 year olds over the year. While they're capable of making a baby, they're not nearly as sophisticated as some here would believe.)

But he made his choice. And in 20 years, he's made 1 attempt to contact the young woman, and is considering a second. That's another choice he is considering. He chose to waive parental rights. He chose not to be there through all the nights of feeding a toddler, through all the years of trying to pay for diapers and braces, though the stomach bugs and the new teeth and the bumps and bruises and those lovely middle school years, and the first time she was dumped by a guy. Now, when she's all grown up, when the parenting is just about done, he chooses to swoop in.

When do her choices start to matter?

I think for those genuinely acting as a loving parent, always. That's part of what disturbs me about what OP has posted throughout this thread, I see no thought of that, simply self serving wants and courses of action without any skin in the game.

 

[Magpie]

I think what may be different here, and forgive me if someone said it later on, but comparing the feelings of an adoptee who knows they were adopted with this potential situation is apples and oranges. I think the question is not for current adoptees (although I think there insight was great just not relevant here) but the question is to everyone who currently believes their parents to be their bio parents- how would you feel if someone came and changed that.

With known adoptees they have other concerns to work through, but they don't have the "my whole life is a lie" issues or "all my core family members lied to me" burden that a secret adoptee would have. This would be completely altering someone's reality that their entire childhood/parental bond was built on.

Valid point! Although, personally, if it turned out that my mother had adopted me, I wouldn't be all, "My life is a lie!" I would just be deeply confused. And impressed that my father decided to play along, despite having divorced my mum when I was three. And also disappointed that all that family tree research I did with my stepmother wasn't actually MY family tree. It would definitely lead me to ask, "Who am I, really?"

But, I truly don't think I would be angry or traumatized. And my family relationships are more than strong enough to remain intact, even in light of such a surprising revelation.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who'd be reasonably sanguine about it. I was just joking with my 20yo daughter about something unrelated and she replied, "You mean, just like I'm secretly adopted?"

So, I asked her, "Are you disappointed that you're not secretly adopted?"

And she said, "Only in the sense that not being adopted closes the door on a whole world of interesting background possibilities for me."

Then I told her about this thread.

That said, though, I really don't think either the girl's father or (even worse!) his wife, are the right people to break the news to her, if she doesn't know she's adopted. They need to reach out to either the girl's mother or her grandparents and mend fences there first. Then, it's up to the grandparents or mum to tell the girl, and she can decide whether she wants to get to know her biological father.

 

[larissawbb]

I am on about 5 different message boards with thousands who feel the way I do. I have several friends who were adopted and they feel this way as well. I haven't yet met anyone in person who doesn't know either of their bio parents and don't know who they are that don't want to know at least something about them.

Having a relationship is an entirely different thing and will depend on what the person is like and expectations. Those are varied stories for sure.[/QUOTE