Would you want to know?

[Hrhpd]

And why can't he reach out to bio mom? Maybe she could provide some insight.

He has. I asked that question earlier in the thread when the OP said the bio mom was living with her own family away from the young lady. It would make sense that he just contact his former girlfriend and asked if she knew about him.

The bio mom also made it clear she wanted no contact.

The girl's whole family has made it clear they want him to stay away. He needs to respect that.

 

[Magpie]

Out of curiosity (and I haven't read the whole thread, this may have been asked) how do you know she doesn't know she's adopted? Maybe she does, and has no interest in meeting her biological parents. Maybe her adoptive parents deleted the FB account because they know this, and don't want any contact.

A close childhood friend of mine was adopted. She already knew when I met her in 4th grade. She had access to her biological parents info when we were high school, if she wanted it. She didn't. She loved her adoptive parents and didn't want to hurt them by seeking her 'real' parents.

Had they actually shown up one day, I don't think she would have even met with them. She had a loving family, wad happy, and had no desire to change things.

I think it's very unfortunate your friend believed her adoptive parents would have been hurt if she had sought out her biological parents.

I think adoptive parents ought to make it abundantly clear to their children that they are entirely secure in their relationship with them and that any decision they make with regards to seeking out their biological parents should not be influenced by any fear that they might be hurt or feel in any way less loved.

(Source: Wishing mightily I could convince my mother of this, as she feels hurt every single time I visit my father/her ex. I'm not adopted, but she raised me alone and I didn't get to know him until I was an adult. And now I can't seem to make her understand that I can consider him family without betraying her/abandoning her/loving her any less, etc. She's dreadfully insecure.)

 

[Hikergirl]

Yes, completely selfish. It seems a bit of a pattern though. I mean she's painting these people as duping a teenager into giving up his child. It sounds like he had twoish years to decide what he wanted to do and didn't ask his family for help or advice because it was easier not to.
Coming back into her life now that the hard part of raising her is over, yeah good timing on that. It'll throw her into turmoil but who cares as long as it makes the op and her husband happy.

I wonder if during those 2 years he was an active father. Did he spend time with his child, did he provide what he could financially for her? Did he even try to do right by the mother and baby?
If no, then I can totally see why the mother's parents wanted him to give up his rights.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP:
Nobody except for that young adult can decide whether they 'want to know' about issues like this in their past.
That is not a decision for anyone else, including the bio-parent, and especially anyone else such as a spouse or family member to try to influence, AT ALL.

The real question is, should we reach out and contact this young adult 'with the truth'.

No... Just, no.

Any assumption or expectation that YOUR 'truth' is THEIR truth would be a big mistake.

If the bio-father is having issues with the situation, then the first step is for him to seek some counseling in order for him, alone, to work thru this stuff... Not contact the young adult.

 

[Hrhpd]

Ha. Sadly, I know this, because I used to have a roommate who went through Facebook fasts. If it exists- You can still see their picture/name- it's like searching through a phone book. Pretty sure you can still send them a message. And you can see things they've been tagged in if you have friends in common. You just can't access their profile. (There are ways around this. I know several people who use some sort of variation of their real name to prevent random people from finding them.)

And I know you can delete- people who role play do so all the time. And some of the people I knew who were education majors deleted because professors really emphasized the fact that social media could be a liability.

So basically, the only way they could completely avoid him is if they changed their screen name, changed their profile picture to...I don't know...Mickey mouse, made everything strictly private, and told any acquaintance they might have in common not to tag any photo or link them in any way, he could still find them on Facebook. Kind of freaky. I actually have known few people who realize just how much people see of their Facebook "breadcrumbs trail". And the other thing- the kid would have to know about at least some of this because they couldn't shield her totally without her cooperation. If she's twenty, she'd be a rare kid indeed if she didn't utilize about 10 different social media platforms. That must have occured to her adoptive parents. If not them, her biomom. My parents have been trying to get my youngest sibling to put more privacy settings on but short of hacking her account, they can't force her.


That said, the simpler solution for all of that? Would be to either ignore his message completely or send a terse "she's fine and never wants to meet you". I think that message really triggered a fear for them. Either it was from the gut, overprotective (makes sense) or there's more to the story that we don't know. We really have no idea how the guy acted towards their daughter or her child or even them over the course of those two years. Even the OP doesn't know that. We don't know if the kid even still lives at home. And I still don't understand why the biomom does not have a bigger role in this saga- because the guy was presumable closer to her than to her parents and there's no indication that she's estranged from her daughter/adoptive sibling or her parents.

I don't know, I just feel like there's something off about the whole situation. But it could just be lingering emotional trauma, perhaps. Teen pregnancy and adoption are just really heavy issues more often than not....

All the adults in our family were blocked from a teen relative's facebook page once she figured out we could all see her posts about drinking and doing drugs. Once she blocked us all, we could not see anything. It was as if the page did not exist, we couldn't search for it nor did any of her tagged posts show up on relative's pages. If we were blocked, we were blocked from seeing it. The only hint we had that the page still existed is that her sister may have 6 likes on a posts, but when you looked at who liked it, there was only 5 names listed.

If you can see the profile picture, you are not actually blocked, just unfriended.

Now, you can create a fake facebook page, one that has not been blocked (a concerned relative did this) and then you can see the profile picture and anything else that has the privacy settings set to public.

I would also bet that the family just blocked the husband, not removed the whole facebook page.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I wonder if during those 2 years he was an active father. Did he spend time with his child, did he provide what he could financially for her? Did he even try to do right by the mother and baby?
If no, then I can totally see why the mother's parents wanted him to give up his rights.

Totally moot point.

I, personally, feel that any grand-parent, or parent, who would purposefully conspire to perpetuate a lie and to keep the truth from a child, as has been described, is very, very, very, wrong. Evil and despicable, actually....
Having said that, to the OP, I would have to say that two wrongs do not make a right.

 

[Hikergirl]

Totally moot point.

I, personally, feel that any grand-parent, or parent, who would purposefully conspire to perpetuate a lie and to keep the truth from a child, as has been described, is very, very, very, wrong. Evil and despicable, actually....
Having said that, to the OP, I would have to say that two wrongs do not make a right.

I personally feel that as a parent or a grandparent it is our job to love and protect our children. Sometimes that does mean keeping a truth from them. As long as that baby grew up in a loving home, with loving parents I'm ok with them not telling them about a man who may have been nothing more than a sperm donor.
We are only hearing the OP's version of the grandparents (people she may have never even met herself), somehow I don't think they are as evil as she wants us to believe they are.

 

[Hrhpd]

You don't pay support when you waive your parental rights. I am quite sure he isn't trying to be a parent now, just would like to get to know her. That is different.

How can you possibly know if you would want to know or not if you haven't been in that situation? You can't know. You can speculate, you can guess, you can think, but you can't know.

I am on message boards with THOUSANDS of adoptees looking and wanting to know. In fact, I have not met one adoptee who isn't curious and doesn't want to know. I have met a few who haven't pursued it because they are afraid or nervous, but not that they don't want to know.

Yet numerous adoptees right here in this thread have said they have no desire to know their bio parents nor would they want to meet this guy.

The OP's husband has tried to make contact with the adoptive parents and his old girlfriend, the bio mom. Everyone has made it clear to him to stay away.

It is time to stop trying. I get the sense that he won't stop until he gets what he wants, regardless of what the adoptive family wants.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I wonder if during those 2 years he was an active father. Did he spend time with his child, did he provide what he could financially for her? Did he even try to do right by the mother and baby?
If no, then I can totally see why the mother's parents wanted him to give up his rights.

Regardless the "truth" the op seems to want this girl to know is that her parents are really her evil, cold-hearted grandparents that stole her from young father. It's one thing to regret past decisions and want to make right, coming from a good place (although it's still not the right thing to do in this case) but it's another to do it to make yourself a victim.
The whole approach of "telling the truth" is setting it up as one against the other with this young woman in the middle. It will end badly for all and if he actual gave a thought to her, he wouldn't want to put her through it.

 

[Gracie09]

If he really was interested in what was best for her, he would register in several of the birth parent registries that are available and let her come to him if and when she is ready.
I haven't read all the pages but I don't understand the sentiment that the daughter does not know that she is adopted. Just because they don't want contact with the birth father doesn't mean she doesn't know she is adopted.

 

[MainMom]

So, what happens if the grandfather says she knows, but wants nothing to do with bio dad? Or if Grandfather just says stay out of our lives? Or if they just flat out ignore him? Is he going to believe the grandfather? Or keep pursuing? Is he going to stay away? Where do you draw the line?

 

[Hisgirl]

We had this exact situation in our hometown. The daughter got pregnant in high school, and her family separated her from the baby's father. They packed up and moved far, far away, to raise the child away from its biological father. Last I heard, she had finally gotten married to another. I always wondered about that poor guy and how her family manipulated two teenagers.

I wonder how folks would feel if instead of women giving birth, men gave birth, and you, as a woman, formed a baby with a man and he gave birth apart from you and his parents kept you from the baby and now that baby was 20 and you maybe finally knew how to contact....your very own child.

Thinking of it this way, I would really struggle to keep myself from getting the truth out. But honestly, I think the 20 year old is too young and at a very critical window of life, making school, career, mate choices. This would really throw a super stress bomb into his/her life.

I would write a heartfelt letter to the mom and continue to gain more information. Tough situation all around. My heart goes out to all involved.

 

[smadath]

I think it's very unfortunate your friend believed her adoptive parents would have been hurt if she had sought out her biological parents.

I think adoptive parents ought to make it abundantly clear to their children that they are entirely secure in their relationship with them and that any decision they make with regards to seeking out their biological parents should not be influenced by any fear that they might be hurt or feel in any way less loved.

(Source: Wishing mightily I could convince my mother of this, as she feels hurt every single time I visit my father/her ex. I'm not adopted, but she raised me alone and I didn't get to know him until I was an adult. And now I can't seem to make her understand that I can consider him family without betraying her/abandoning her/loving her any less, etc. She's dreadfully insecure.)

They actually did make that clear. I think (from how my friend talked) that she was hurt by the thought her biological parents did not want her, so she didn't want them either. And maybe she extended that mindset to her parents. In any case, she was happy as things were!

 

[Hrhpd]

Everyone has framed it exactly as they want to frame it to justify their own opinions.

The OP's original questions was whether people thought the girl might be traumatized to learn she was adopted if she did not know The OP has said that she does not know if the girl knows or not. And your opinions are also framed by your own desires to find your bio parents.


The difference here is that the OP and her husband have found the adoptive parents and he has reached out to them several times. He was rebuked each and every time. The message is pretty clear. The OP is going to force her family on the girl whether she knows or not and whether the family wants it or not

 

[Magpie]

They actually did make that clear. I think (from how my friend talked) that she was hurt by the thought her biological parents did not want her, so she didn't want them either. And maybe she extended that mindset to her parents. In any case, she was happy as things were!

Hm... I have a dear friend who gave up a child for adoption. She used to mark every birthday, waiting until the girl would turn 18 and be given her contact info. Well, the girl turned 18, and didn't reach out. Thirty-some years later, my friend has stopped marking the birthdays, but she still gets sad on that date. She hopes her daughter is happy, where ever she is.

She wanted that child, so very, very much. But she also wanted the child to have a stable, secure family, and she couldn't provide that for her. For her, surrendering her daughter was both an act of love and a painful sacrifice.

I hate to think that the girl chose not to reach out because she had convinced herself that her biological mother didn't want her. I think I'm glad all the young adoptive families I know now have open relationships with their children's birth families (though naturally that brings complications of its own).

 

[SirDuff]

We had this exact situation in our hometown. The daughter got pregnant in high school, and her family separated her from the baby's father. They packed up and moved far, far away, to raise the child away from its biological father. Last I heard, she had finally gotten married to another. I always wondered about that poor guy and how her family manipulated two teenagers.

I wonder how folks would feel if instead of women giving birth, men gave birth, and you, as a woman, formed a baby with a man and he gave birth apart from you and his parents kept you from the baby and now that baby was 20 and you maybe finally knew how to contact....your very own child.

But that didn't happen here. He knew where she was, choose to give his rights, and tried to make contact once in 20 years.

 

[Hrhpd]

It is unfortunate that he just showed up and surprised you and I am sorry you had a negative experience. Most people DO want to know, even if they don't want an actual relationship, but it sounds like you already knew and already had the DNA you wanted. I did not.


Did you grow up with your biological mother?

You cannot speak for all adoptees or even claim that most want to know. This thread, where many, many adoptees have said they don't want to know proves there are plenty of adoptees out there that think differently than you.

 

[Hrhpd]

Technically though in this case this girl was partially raised by or at least with one of her parents. She just thinks she is her sister.

Nobody, including the OP, knows if that is the case. Simone Biles was raised by her grandparents, calls them Mom and Dad, yet knows they are technically her grandparents. A NBC reporter just got in a lot of heat yesterday when he said that her parents weren't her real parents, but grandparents. He had to issue an apology that he recognizes that adoptive parents, even if they are grandparents, are "real" parents.

 

[gwynne]

Nobody, including the OP, knows if that is the case. Simone Biles was raised by her grandparents, calls them Mom and Dad, yet knows they are technically her grandparents. A NBC reporter just got in a lot of heat yesterday when he said that her parents weren't her real parents, but grandparents. He had to issue an apology that he recognizes that adoptive parents, even if they are grandparents, are "real" parents.

Trautwig's comments and especially his tweets were rather unpleasant. I'm glad someone explained how adoption works to him. Sheesh.

 

[kamik86]

Nobody, including the OP, knows if that is the case. Simone Biles was raised by her grandparents, calls them Mom and Dad, yet knows they are technically her grandparents. A NBC reporter just got in a lot of heat yesterday when he said that her parents weren't her real parents, but grandparents. He had to issue an apology that he recognizes that adoptive parents, even if they are grandparents, are "real" parents.

Ok I have gotten like four replies to that sentence... what I whould have typed was
"Technically though in this case this girl was partially raised by or at least with one of her parents. Worst case she just thinks one is her sister."

My point was that this girl knows her birth mom, nothing more.


I have to say the reporters seem to be really stepping in it this year... I mean one says a woman's husband is responsible for her medal (Yes he was her coach but still) and now this...