Would you want to know?

[DawnM]

I have only read the first 4 pages and I am just not interested in continuing to read as I get the picture. You are being attacked unfairly. People can say things in a much nicer way but the mob attack seems to be the way of the DIS.

I am going to PM you with more details, but I am an adoptee and I have read a lot about how to contact your birth family in the best way possible. They are pretty clear that phone calls or anything that is sudden and takes them off guard, is not the way to go.

The best way to communicate is through actual letters/snail mail. Include who you are, why you want to now connect, and a photo. It gives the person time to deal with it for a while before reacting. Facebook would be an immediate reaction and not the best way (from what they are saying.)

And I am going to say this: People who have not been an adoptee or given up a child cannot possibly understand the emotions and feelings that go into all of this. You can get a glimpse of it if you have an adopted child, but you can't fully understand.

I am an adoptee and I have adopted a child. I am all about adoption, but there is a gap, a hole, something missing, by not knowing your birth family or family history.

 

[aprilgail]

So you wouldn't want to know siblings?

I would absolutely want to know my biological siblings! I was an adult by the time I found mine and I remember how mad my sister was that she was never told about me so she could have searched for me sooner!

I think that very clearly says not only do they not want his involvement, but they are most likely very scared about him reaching out again.

I did answer your question but just in case you missed it, I personally would be devestated to find out the people I ought were my parents were actually my grandparents and most likely I'd feel violated and traumatized. I would absolutely not say oh thanks for telling me, let me get to know you better.

It really is not up to them- the girl is 20 years old, an adult, and has every right to know and make her own decisions.

I have read all the posts in this thread. I was adopted at birth and my parents told me when I was very young. I don't remember when. I would have answered a post or two earlier, I wasn't on the boards much because we buried my father yesterday. He wasn't my bio father but he was my Dad. What I get from the original poster is that her husband feels that he was forced to sign away his rights, no matter what age he was and that he kept it a secret from his own family. At 16 he was probably scared and confused and the Parents of the girl, thinking this would be best for their daughter adopted their baby. The fact that they waited 2 years for the OP's husband to sign away his rights, tells me that they made sure he was old enough to make the papers legal, a minor can't sign a contract and is not legally bound if they do, also never telling him to either consult his parents or anyone else that could have helped in the decision, I will not speculate what they said to him, the grandparents or their daughter but he must have had some contact during those years. It is a messed up situation. I think that putting himself on reunion registries and keeping his contact info current would be the best option for now.

I personally like knowing the truth. I am currently trying to find my bio family but I have very little info. I also was adopted in the toughest state to get info on bio families. I am trying to get my original Birth certificate, I can't at this moment. Over ten years ago, my Dad said that he felt forced to sign the adoption papers to take on the responsibility of a child, me. He was over 30 when he signed the papers. I was upset to learn this, also angry, and it gave me a way to see him as a person and to let him know that I loved him hours before he died. He understood. Anyway, it gave me peace.

My parents told me when I was like 4 years old and repeated it until I could fully grasp the concept. I had always said if they had kept that a secret from me and I found out later as a teen or adult I would have been really pissed- it would feel like it was a "dirty little secret" hiding something like that.
Try taking a DNA test or two- Ancestry or 23 and me. My brother just found his birth family through ancestry. I had found my birth mom years ago but am still searching for my birth father.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

That's what I'm asking. Would it ruin their lives to know the truth? Would it make it better? I personally believe we all deserve to know the truth.

At 18 I was told the man I thought was my father, was not. I'm now 35 years old and cannot tell you the trust issues this has given me. With that said I am glad I know now. The truth will come out eventually and the sooner the better. I wouldn't say it ruined my life but made me question several people in my family and why they lied to me my whole life. I understand now that at the time they thought that was what was best and weren't really looking ahead on why this might be an important bit of information for me to know.

I did finally meet my biological father (who did not know I existed) and my half sister. There was no connection and it was awkward at best. I haven't spoken to them since.

 

[aprilgail]

I have only read the first 4 pages and I am just not interested in continuing to read as I get the picture. You are being attacked unfairly. People can say things in a much nicer way but the mob attack seems to be the way of the DIS.

I am going to PM you with more details, but I am an adoptee and I have read a lot about how to contact your birth family in the best way possible. They are pretty clear that phone calls or anything that is sudden and takes them off guard, is not the way to go.

The best way to communicate is through actual letters/snail mail. Include who you are, why you want to now connect, and a photo. It gives the person time to deal with it for a while before reacting. Facebook would be an immediate reaction and not the best way (from what they are saying.)

That is exactly how I did it- I sent a registered letter and a pic. She contacted me as soon as she opened the letter- she looked at the picture before even opening the letter and she knew- I looked just like her! Then when I saw my sister she looked just like me, for the first time in my life I had someone that resembled me, I still remember that feeling!

 

[Westcoastwild]

They might well have just blocked OP's husband when he tried to contact them. Maybe he assumed they erased everythign when he could no longer see it (can you even erase a FB account?).

Ha. Sadly, I know this, because I used to have a roommate who went through Facebook fasts. If it exists- You can still see their picture/name- it's like searching through a phone book. Pretty sure you can still send them a message. And you can see things they've been tagged in if you have friends in common. You just can't access their profile. (There are ways around this. I know several people who use some sort of variation of their real name to prevent random people from finding them.)

And I know you can delete- people who role play do so all the time. And some of the people I knew who were education majors deleted because professors really emphasized the fact that social media could be a liability.

So basically, the only way they could completely avoid him is if they changed their screen name, changed their profile picture to...I don't know...Mickey mouse, made everything strictly private, and told any acquaintance they might have in common not to tag any photo or link them in any way, he could still find them on Facebook. Kind of freaky. I actually have known few people who realize just how much people see of their Facebook "breadcrumbs trail". And the other thing- the kid would have to know about at least some of this because they couldn't shield her totally without her cooperation. If she's twenty, she'd be a rare kid indeed if she didn't utilize about 10 different social media platforms. That must have occured to her adoptive parents. If not them, her biomom. My parents have been trying to get my youngest sibling to put more privacy settings on but short of hacking her account, they can't force her.


That said, the simpler solution for all of that? Would be to either ignore his message completely or send a terse "she's fine and never wants to meet you". I think that message really triggered a fear for them. Either it was from the gut, overprotective (makes sense) or there's more to the story that we don't know. We really have no idea how the guy acted towards their daughter or her child or even them over the course of those two years. Even the OP doesn't know that. We don't know if the kid even still lives at home. And I still don't understand why the biomom does not have a bigger role in this saga- because the guy was presumable closer to her than to her parents and there's no indication that she's estranged from her daughter/adoptive sibling or her parents.

I don't know, I just feel like there's something off about the whole situation. But it could just be lingering emotional trauma, perhaps. Teen pregnancy and adoption are just really heavy issues more often than not....

 

[PollyannaMom]

I am going to PM you with more details, but I am an adoptee and I have read a lot about how to contact your birth family in the best way possible. They are pretty clear that phone calls or anything that is sudden and takes them off guard, is not the way to go.

The best way to communicate is through actual letters/snail mail. Include who you are, why you want to now connect, and a photo. It gives the person time to deal with it for a while before reacting. Facebook would be an immediate reaction and not the best way (from what they are saying.)

This makes a lot of sense to me. People just showing up on doorsteps and stuff seems very unfair.

 

[okeydokey]

It's sad for your husband, but he is the one that signed off his rights to his child. He decided, as an adult, to do this. He paid no support in all these years.

If I were the girl, no I would not want to know. It is very very selfish of your husband now to reach out.

 

[DawnM]

It's sad for your husband, but he is the one that signed off his rights to his child. He decided, as an adult, to do this. He paid no support in all these years.

If I were the girl, no I would not want to know. It is very very selfish of your husband now to reach out.

You don't pay support when you waive your parental rights. I am quite sure he isn't trying to be a parent now, just would like to get to know her. That is different.

How can you possibly know if you would want to know or not if you haven't been in that situation? You can't know. You can speculate, you can guess, you can think, but you can't know.

I am on message boards with THOUSANDS of adoptees looking and wanting to know. In fact, I have not met one adoptee who isn't curious and doesn't want to know. I have met a few who haven't pursued it because they are afraid or nervous, but not that they don't want to know.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My XH and I got pregnant when I was 16. His mother pushed for adoption. His mother threatened to send him to another state so I would never see him again, so I couldn't ruin his life. My mother was not down to take care of my son as her own. That was NEVER an option. If I had the baby it was my responsibility. I can see how your DH could have been manipulated by the girls parents. I wonder what my XH would have done if my mother would have said be gone and we will raise this baby together. I know his parents would have jumped all over it and really pushed for it. At 16 you can be easily manipulated. I know he didn't sign the papers until 18 but even then you don't understand the magnitude of your actions when you're being beaten over the head with false information for two years.

I kept my son (adoption was never an option for me) but had I given him up I would have wanted to find him. Does that make me wrong? I don't know. I would have just wanted to make sure he was okay and I do believe everyone deserves the truth. Had I been adopted I would want to know my truth also.

I think your DH contacting the grandfather isn't a horrible idea. I would do it through snail mail. I wouldn't show up at anyone's door demanding to see the girl. And she's an adult now. She's old enough to make her own decisions.

 

[DawnM]

My XH and I got pregnant when I was 16. His mother pushed for adoption. His mother threatened to send him to another state so I would never see him again, so I couldn't ruin his life. My mother was not down to take care of my son as her own. That was NEVER an option. If I had the baby it was my responsibility. I can see how your DH could have been manipulated by the girls parents. I wonder what my XH would have done if my mother would have said be gone and we will raise this baby together. I know his parents would have jumped all over it and really pushed for it. At 16 you can be easily manipulated. I know he didn't sign the papers until 18 but even then you don't understand the magnitude of your actions when you're being beaten over the head with false information for two years.

I kept my son (adoption was never an option for me) but had I given him up I would have wanted to find him. Does that make me wrong? I don't know. I would have just wanted to make sure he was okay and I do believe everyone deserves the truth. Had I been adopted I would want to know my truth also.

I think your DH contacting the grandfather isn't a horrible idea. I would do it through snail mail. I wouldn't show up at anyone's door demanding to see the girl. And she's an adult now. She's old enough to make her own decisions.

No, you are not wrong at all! And yes, at 16 or even older, people can be afraid and manipulated or misguided.

 

[cabanafrau]

He waited 2 years until he was 18. This child was kept a secret from his family until he was 18. Its the most messed up thing I can imagine.

Two years is an awfully long time to reconsider the decision -- and keep it secret from his parents.

 

[HarleenQ]

You don't pay support when you waive your parental rights. I am quite sure he isn't trying to be a parent now, just would like to get to know her. That is different.

How can you possibly know if you would want to know or not if you haven't been in that situation? You can't know. You can speculate, you can guess, you can think, but you can't know.

I am on message boards with THOUSANDS of adoptees looking and wanting to know. In fact, I have not met one adoptee who isn't curious and doesn't want to know. I have met a few who haven't pursued it because they are afraid or nervous, but not that they don't want to know.

I think the biggest difference here is that the people you're on a board with are considered adoptees and have made the choice of wanting to know.

There's a very real possibility this person DOES NOT KNOW she's adopted. That's an entirely different ball game.

All of your examples are people that know they're adopted. It makes it easy for me to say, no, I wouldn't want a complete stranger to walk into my life tomorrow and tell me that he's my father. And yes, I can know that. Because that's what would happen to this young lady if she does not know her parents aren't her biological parents.

 

[cabanafrau]

I believe when he signed away his rights he had NO idea they would push him out and completely exclude him.

If he wasn't having contact in those two years what could he have possibly thought would suddenly change? IMO that is a bit of a self serving twist of the truth to justify today's desires.

 

[DawnM]

I think the biggest difference here is that the people you're on a board with are considered adoptees and have made the choice of wanting to know.

There's a very real possibility this person DOES NOT KNOW she's adopted. That's an entirely different ball game.

And I think that is wrong. I have always known. My son has always known. I think it is horrible that the grandparents wouldn't tell her. I think she should know. It isn't "ruining" her life. It is ruining it by lying to her about who she is.

Those on my message board who found out later in life are far more traumatized. The truth does come out, and the longer it takes, the more damage it does.

 

[mom2rtk]

I think the biggest difference here is that the people you're on a board with are considered adoptees and have made the choice of wanting to know.

There's a very real possibility this person DOES NOT KNOW she's adopted. That's an entirely different ball game.

All of your examples are people that know they're adopted. It makes it easy for me to say, no, I wouldn't want a complete stranger to walk into my life tomorrow and tell me that he's my father. And yes, I can know that. Because that's what would happen to this young lady if she does not know her parents aren't her biological parents.

I agree that's a big difference. I think ultimately it needs to be the choice of the adoptee. That's why the registry is perfect. The biological parent can register and wait until the day the child is ready. Inserting one's self when the child has not expressed a desire to have the information is just wrong, IMO. That makes it about the bio parent, and not about the child.

 

[cabanafrau]

Do we know, for a fact, that the adoptive parents (grandparents) have lied to her? Do we know for a fact that she does not know she was adopted? There is the very real possibility that she DOES know she is adopted. She could very well know the entire story. Everybody seems to be assuming that she doesn't know. And if she really does know, there is the very real possibility that she does NOT want to know who her bio father is.

OP...I think the best suggestion here is for him to put his name on a registry. Then, if his daughter does want to find him, she will be able to.

Well if you frame it up as a lie it gives justification to the decision to deliver the truth now. Justification built on quicksand, but it works for one party.

 

[DawnM]

Well if you frame it up as a lie it gives justification to the decision to deliver the truth now. Justification built on quicksand, but it works for one party.

Everyone has framed it exactly as they want to frame it to justify their own opinions.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Two years is an awfully long time to reconsider the decision -- and keep it secret from his parents.

Not if the mother's parents are telling him "this is for the best. Don't worry we'll take care of her and the baby. You can still see her. We won't keep you away." (I don't know if this was said...I'm just assuming) When a teen pregnancy is involved so many parents look out for their own child. They'll say and do anything to ensure their minor child has the best possible future and screw the other party. BTDT.

 

[aprilgail]

And I think that is wrong. I have always known. My son has always known. I think it is horrible that the grandparents wouldn't tell her. I think she should know. It isn't "ruining" her life. It is ruining it by lying to her about who she is.

Those on my message board who found out later in life are far more traumatized. The truth does come out, and the longer it takes, the more damage it does.

It is a disgusting horrible thing to do to a person- basically they spend the first part of their lives living a lie.

 

[NHdisneylover]

For goodness sakes--no one knows that this girl doesn't know she is adopted. OP, and her husband, are assuming that is why he was blocked when he attempted to contact them out of the blue on facebook when she was 13.
That's it. Unless OP is leaving a lot out, that is the only information they have to go on.

I read the information here thus:

1. 16 year old boy and 18 year old girl have an unplanned pregnancy. Girl and her family move away and boy does not make major efforts to see this child of his, hides the fact taht he has a child frmo his family and friends until he turns 18, etc. (so, not only does he make no real effort to see the child but in fact appears to make efforts to not be a part pof her life by hiding her existence).

2. Boy turns 18 and is asked to sign over his parental rights. He does so without finding out much information, without getting any kid of agreement to an open adoption, without talking to his parents or other adult for guidance, etc.

3. Afte signing over his rights, he tells his parents about the baby (why now? He is suddenly no longer afraid?) and htey try to have contact by sending gifts/letters which were retuned unopened. (could it be that the other family does not know his parenst were out of hvte loop and htinks they just want the joy of grandparenting now that all responsiblity is off the shoulders of their son?)

4. Young man does nothing for 11 years. Just lives his life as if he has no child. Does not contact her or the family and certainly does not send child support (not required since he signed away his rights, but if he were REALLY concerned for her wellfare that might be a good place to help).

5. at age 29 the man now decides he'd like contact so he finds the family on facebook and sends a message or tries to frined them (not clear which). We have no idea how this was worded or what he asked for, etc.

6. Family blocked him on facebook/ removed their facebook profiles.

7 Another 7 years go by in which the man does nothign about this daughter. Now she is 20 and he and his wife surmise taht perhaps she doesn't know about him or that she is adopted and convince themselves that they would be doing her a favour by exposing her to the truth if they contact her. Meanwhile, the man has not had any real contact with the adoptive family/bio mom in 18 years so he has absolutely no idea what this girl was ever told or not told about him or if she has any desire to meet him or not. He is just making wild guesses that support his/his wife's desires.