Would you want to know?

[Sabeking]

What a selfless act on behalf of your child.

Thank you mom2rtk, you are kind! I can be pretty selfish as well; my teenagers reminded me last night when I ate the last chocolate gold coin from Pirate night..we were on the Disney Dream...of course tonight I'm doing 5 loads of laundry!

 

[mom2rtk]

Thank you mom2rtk, you are kind! I can be pretty selfish as well; my teenagers reminded me last night when I ate the last chocolate gold coin from Pirate night..we were on the Disney Dream...of course tonight I'm doing 5 loads of laundry!

OK, this thread needed a little levity. And that did the trick!

Teenagers sure have a way of reminding us how selfish we are, don't they?

I hope you had a great trip.

 

[Sabeking]

OK, this thread needed a little levity. And that did the trick!

Teenagers sure have a way of reminding us how selfish we are, don't they?

I hope you had a great trip.

Thank you, we had a blast! We were celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary and we had them come along and I'm being selfish??!!! Lol!

Sorry....back on topic now!

 

[roseaster]

This is frighteningly similar to my oldest 2 girls' story, only we weren't teens. They are 18. My husband is not their biological dad. He has been in their life since they were 2 and has been their dad since they were 3. He is the only father they have ever known.

For reasons too ridiculous to go into, their bio also never admitted to his friends or family that the girls exist. (I don't know if he has yet because we have not communicated since paternity was established) He has paid child support via direct deduction from his paycheck since their birth but has never been a part of their lives.

Meanwhile, he has married and had children with his wife. My girls have no interest in meeting these children, either. DNA doesn't make you a parent or a sibling.

I asked my girls if he wanted to meet them would they be interested? The bolder of the 2 answered. "Hell no. What do I need him for? He's a deadbeat." The quieter one said "Why would he bother now? We are grown, he wasn't there when it really counted." She also added that the only dad she has or needs is the one that raised her and as far as she is concerned the biological one was just a sperm donor.

My long-winded but pertinent point is this. It is all about perspective. In your world you see a great dad, in her world your husband is a deadbeat. The thing is you don't know what she knows. It is likely she knows nothing, but equally as likely that she knows the whole story.

none of this is about this young lady, all of it is about you and your husband. He had a child. He had a 2 year opportunity to bond with this child. He chose not to do so. He, himself, chose to live a lie. He didn't even acknowledge that he had a child. He waited 2 years, and when he was legally able gave up all responsibility for her.

After seeing his other children grow he has guilt about his decisions. Guilt he wants to mitigate by inserting himself in this young woman's life, a place where he is clearly not welcome.

If she knows about him do you think he has been presented to her as a confused young kid? More likely he was presented as a dead beat who denied her existence and then made sure that he would never have to accept responsibility for her as soon as he could, yet went on to have more children that he actually stuck around to raise.

As many people have said, your husband needs counseling. He needs to come to terms with himself for the decisions he made. It isn't fair to use this young woman, and potentially alter the whole course of her life and cause her pain so that he can feel better about himself.

 

[Caseheidi]

I have only read the first page, but I have a different perspectives hen most. DH and I adopted a beautiful baby girl a little over 7 years ago. We have met many, many adoptive families and birth families. We have also met many adults who were adopted and hav or have not found their birth families. We have a very open relationship with DD's birth family and it is very positive and respectful.

What I can say from my experience is that each and every adoption story is different and unique. You will have veery different opinion/feeling/attitude that you could imagine and then some. My suggestion would be that if your husband is interested in the possibility of contact, to make it known but let the family decide. Since it sounds like he knows who raised the child, I would suggest a non-threatening letter written to the adoptive parents stating that there is interest, but that he would like to respect their wishes in the matter. Let them make the decision but know that if there is ever any interest from this child, he is willing. Maybe go on to share some of who he is now so that the family knows that this could be a positive, safe thing.

After sending such a request, I would not push and leave it be unless they make contact. It is a hard thing, and very personal to each individual involved in the situation. I wish him and you luck in this.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Tough situation. I don't believe they should have separated this boy from his baby to begin with. That's a permanent decision that he could not possibly make understanding everything, his parents should have stepped in and urged him to keep the baby and help strengthen the bond between him and his baby. But that did not happen. At this point, after all that has happened, he should be thinking about what will cause the least amount of stress or burden to his child. I do not think it is wrong for him to reach out to his child, and if the "child" were older I'd say it is one thing to find them but since the child is so young- being in your 20s is still very young, and many people in their 20s are still living with parents or relying on them in some way- so I think the reaching out should be to the people who have actually raised the child (even though the child is not underage any longer). He could reach out to THEM, not the child, and explain that he really wants the opportunity to get to know his biological child, perhaps cushion it with a statement such as I'm not trying to take away the mom and dad she has, or to take their place? All of my opinion of this changes if it is another family member that raised the child. If it was a family member of his, then, no, he should be able to be more upfront about it and not feel like he is the keeper of some guarded family secret. Best wishes, OP, it's going to be tough however it goes.

I am curious--how would you/will you feel about your granddaughter's mother becoming involved in her life again at some point (I apologize if I am ixing things up here, but I want to say she even will have legal rights at some point before the grandaugther is grown and you have posted upset about that and feeling she should not get t osee her child---so this does not jive to me that on the one hand you are in favour of not letting the mother who has wanted contact all along have it, and on the other a father who signed away rights and even hid the fact that there was a baby from his own family should)

 

[NHdisneylover]

He waited 2 years until he was 18. This child was kept a secret from his family until he was 18. Its the most messed up thing I can imagine.

Wait! Waht?!?!?

Any little bit of sympathy I might have had for the poor, possibly misguided young teen possibly pressured to sign away rights is GONE now---he had over a year to gt t oknow his daughter, to think through things, to bond with her, to get a job and make himself able to care for her, to at least own up about the situation and get some help and guidance from his family and he failed to do that and then, as soon as he could abdicate all responsiblity for her he signed away those rights?

Even as a teen---that is more than enough time for a decent father to think clearly and decide if he wants to be there for his child and be a father or not. He chose NOT. He needs to own that decisionand leave this poor girl and her family alone.

Wow.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Honestly I wasn't at the table when all this was being discussed. My guess is my DH was scared, alone, and being manipulated by the other side.

but he had over a year (not sure how far into 16 he was) to get help, think it through, arrange representation, etc and chose not to. I have two teens now---kids that age are not so incapable that over the course of a couple of years tehy can't get help and do what needs to be done if they want to.
Sounds like he was happy to be out the responsiblitiy then but wants the fun stuff now.

 

[Nancyg56]

WOW! I read this entire thread and it seems to me that you have used the kind people who tried to give you honest feedback. You and your husband want to intrude on a young girrl's life because it will make YOU feel better, with absolutely no regard to the needs of this family you may destroy. Good job. I believe you thought that people here would validate the huge "sacrifice" you intend to make and posted so that you had "backup". I am absolutely appalled.

Adoption is an act of trust. You trust that when a child enters your heart and be me your child, the birth parents trust that you will do what you feel is best for your child. You trust that the birth parents will not come to some epiphany that stems from some self centered notion that after 20 years you have not provided whatever information your child's needed or wanted in regards to the circumstances of birth. You trust that these people will allow you and you child to reach out in the event that is the best decision, and if these peole cannot honor their commitment, at least they will not abuse any knowledge that they have in order to fulfill their need to confess. Because that is what this is. Guilt. And you.....instead of encouraging your husband to seek counseling to address this need, you are choosing to further this path, no matter how destructive this could be to an innocent girl. I find this shameful.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Forgive me if I missed it, But why can't DH contact the adoptive parents amd reach out to them? Let them know how much regret he has and get a feel for whether or not she knows what happened and whether she'd be able to handle this type of life changing event right now.

I think if you are wanting a relationship, springinf on the daughter is a bad idea. If I were her, I'd probably hate you and DH for rocking my world. There would be no relationship.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Forgive me if I missed it, But why can't DH contact the adoptive parents amd reach out to them? Let them know how much regret he has and get a feel for whether or not she knows what happened and whether she'd be able to handle this type of life changing event right now.

I think if you are wanting a relationship, springinf on the daughter is a bad idea. If I were her, I'd probably hate you and DH for rocking my world. There would be no relationship.

It's way up thread, but essentially, the husband tried to contact the adoptive parents (the grandparents) over Facebook when the kid was 13. Their response was to erase their whole profile (or profiles?). Which is kind of weird, now that I think of it. All they had to do was lock it. But regardless, I feel like it's probably safe to assume that the maternal grandparents' stance hasn't changed in 7 years.

 

[ASchwa]

I have read all the posts in this thread. I was adopted at birth and my parents told me when I was very young. I don't remember when. I would have answered a post or two earlier, I wasn't on the boards much because we buried my father yesterday. He wasn't my bio father but he was my Dad. What I get from the original poster is that her husband feels that he was forced to sign away his rights, no matter what age he was and that he kept it a secret from his own family. At 16 he was probably scared and confused and the Parents of the girl, thinking this would be best for their daughter adopted their baby. The fact that they waited 2 years for the OP's husband to sign away his rights, tells me that they made sure he was old enough to make the papers legal, a minor can't sign a contract and is not legally bound if they do, also never telling him to either consult his parents or anyone else that could have helped in the decision, I will not speculate what they said to him, the grandparents or their daughter but he must have had some contact during those years. It is a messed up situation. I think that putting himself on reunion registries and keeping his contact info current would be the best option for now.

I personally like knowing the truth. I am currently trying to find my bio family but I have very little info. I also was adopted in the toughest state to get info on bio families. I am trying to get my original Birth certificate, I can't at this moment. Over ten years ago, my Dad said that he felt forced to sign the adoption papers to take on the responsibility of a child, me. He was over 30 when he signed the papers. I was upset to learn this, also angry, and it gave me a way to see him as a person and to let him know that I loved him hours before he died. He understood. Anyway, it gave me peace.

 

[PollyannaMom]

It's way up thread, but essentially, the husband tried to contact the adoptive parents (the grandparents) over Facebook when the kid was 13. Their response was to erase their whole profile (or profiles?). Which is kind of weird, now that I think of it. All they had to do was lock it. But regardless, I feel like it's probably safe to assume that the maternal grandparents' stance hasn't changed in 7 years.

I think this is where the other parents messed up. If they had explained to the man that the child didn't know she was adopted, he might have unselfishly decided to let things be. But because of their reaction, he is left wondering whether she knows anything or not. Many of us (myself included) are saying that the best course of action for the child is not to contact her now, but I admit I based that on about 2 out of 3 odds. I figure there are 3 positions she could be in:

1. She does not know she is adopted at all.
2. She knows she is adopted, but does not want contact with her father.
3. She knows she is adopted, but has been told her father does want contact with her.

The answer of what will make her happiest in the long run might actually be different if #3 is the case. But that a big "might" even if it is #3, and I feel like it's probably #1, and even if they are all equally likely, it's still a much lower chance that telling her would be good than that it would make her miserable.

So I still stand by not telling her. But I also feel there was no reason to torture the OP's DH by not at least telling him the girl was OK. If they didn't want him having contact, they could have threatened legal action (as they are officially her parents and she was 13 at the time) but it seems unnecessarily mean to me not to just explain the situation and reassure him that he had done the right thing and she was happy. I think that's all he really needed. (And because of that, I also agree with several who said that counseling is a good idea.)

 

[Southernmiss]

There are 3 adoptions in our extended family. Meeting a bio parent would rock their world.

These 3 adoptees have known they were adopted and have had wonderful lives and I couldn't imagine bio parents bringing anything helpful to their lives.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It's way up thread, but essentially, the husband tried to contact the adoptive parents (the grandparents) over Facebook when the kid was 13. Their response was to erase their whole profile (or profiles?). Which is kind of weird, now that I think of it. All they had to do was lock it. But regardless, I feel like it's probably safe to assume that the maternal grandparents' stance hasn't changed in 7 years.

They might well have just blocked OP's husband when he tried to contact them. Maybe he assumed they erased everythign when he could no longer see it (can you even erase a FB account?).

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think this is where the other parents messed up. If they had explained to the man that the child didn't know she was adopted, he might have unselfishly decided to let things be. But because of their reaction, he is left wondering whether she knows anything or not. Many of us (myself included) are saying that the best course of action for the child is not to contact her now, but I admit I based that on about 2 out of 3 odds. I figure there are 3 positions she could be in:

1. She does not know she is adopted at all.
2. She knows she is adopted, but does not want contact with her father.
3. She knows she is adopted, but has been told her father does want contact with her.

The answer of what will make her happiest in the long run might actually be different if #3 is the case. But that a big "might" even if it is #3, and I feel like it's probably #1, and even if they are all equally likely, it's still a much lower chance that telling her would be good than that it would make her miserable.

So I still stand by not telling her. But I also feel there was no reason to torture the OP's DH by not at least telling him the girl was OK. If they didn't want him having contact, they could have threatened legal action (as they are officially her parents and she was 13 at the time) but it seems unnecessarily mean to me not to just explain the situation and reassure him that he had done the right thing and she was happy. I think that's all he really needed. (And because of that, I also agree with several who said that counseling is a good idea.)

Not knowing what he said to them when he made that contact, nor how he treated their daughter in their relationship, nor if he ever tried to care for his daughter in those two years---I am not going to jump to the conclusion that the parents were unecesarily rude or mean or secretive.

 

[mom2rtk]

I have read all the posts in this thread. I was adopted at birth and my parents told me when I was very young. I don't remember when. I would have answered a post or two earlier, I wasn't on the boards much because we buried my father yesterday. He wasn't my bio father but he was my Dad. What I get from the original poster is that her husband feels that he was forced to sign away his rights, no matter what age he was and that he kept it a secret from his own family. At 16 he was probably scared and confused and the Parents of the girl, thinking this would be best for their daughter adopted their baby. The fact that they waited 2 years for the OP's husband to sign away his rights, tells me that they made sure he was old enough to make the papers legal, a minor can't sign a contract and is not legally bound if they do, also never telling him to either consult his parents or anyone else that could have helped in the decision, I will not speculate what they said to him, the grandparents or their daughter but he must have had some contact during those years. It is a messed up situation. I think that putting himself on reunion registries and keeping his contact info current would be the best option for now.

I personally like knowing the truth. I am currently trying to find my bio family but I have very little info. I also was adopted in the toughest state to get info on bio families. I am trying to get my original Birth certificate, I can't at this moment. Over ten years ago, my Dad said that he felt forced to sign the adoption papers to take on the responsibility of a child, me. He was over 30 when he signed the papers. I was upset to learn this, also angry, and it gave me a way to see him as a person and to let him know that I loved him hours before he died. He understood. Anyway, it gave me peace.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Aliceacc]

For starters, the opening posts call the young woman "it" .. I'm glad we switched to "she."

And, in the interests of full disclosure, let me say that my 18 year old son was adopted from Korea at the age of 7 months. He has always known he's adopted; we celebrate his "Gotcha Day" every January. He has expressed no interest in knowing anything about his biological parents. If somehow his birth mom/ dad did track him down, I can say with absolute confidence that he would NOT be interested. (Not speaking for all adoptees, but I know my kid. )

He has a US birth certificate naming us as his parents.

I'm sorry for your husband. 16, 18, it's all so very young to be making such a life altering decision. But the decision was made-- 20 years ago. I honestly think, all snark aside, that counseling would help your husband deal with his loss.

Make your husband's information readily available. If and when the "child" wants to find you, make it possible.

Many people choose to look into their backgrounds; there are any number of reputable sites one might choose. If, at that point, she finds out that she's adopted-- and chooses to do so-- she can contact your husband.

But contacting this young woman, for no reason than "THE TRUTH" seems unkind to me. If her life is happy without that information, and that information could cause her pain, then what's the point?

Sometimes "THE TRUTH" does NOT set you free. Sometimes it disrupts your life and makes you miserable.

Your husband is not her father. Her father is the man who raised her, the one who kissed her boo boos, the one who taught her to drive and went to parent-teacher nights and who sat in the rain watching her play soccer.

Watch the Tigger Movie. It does a great job with adoption. It teaches Tigger that, even if you search your "family tree" and don't find your family, it's OK. Because family are the people who love and care for you, not the people who look just like you do.

Your husband is not this young woman's family. The people who raised her are.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

And why can't he reach out to bio mom? Maybe she could provide some insight.

 

[MainMom]

You know how these topics are. There are a million people asking a million questions and things get missed. 7 pages in is not really that much discussion. Mostly people belittling me. I have NO idea what his daughter has been told. I'm assuming it could be either everything or nothing. I was simply asking if you would want to know the truth. Most people seek truth. I guess some want to live in the dark which blows my mind. I know why he did what he did. Do I understand it? No. Because I'm not him. Do I believe there is still a chance to reach out and make connections? Absolutely.

Now as I'm writing this post someone will be tearing into something else I've said or omitted.

My Father does not share my DNA. He is my father in EVERY way. I have known we are not biologically connected from age 4 when I went to the court house with my parents and the judge asked me if I wanted this man to be my Dad. I have NO desire to know the sperm donor. He signed away his rights and it was the best thing he could have done. About 5 years ago sperm donor contacted my Dad at his job tell him some health issues he was having that could affect myself and my sibling in the future. I was given this information and moved on. I'm 39.

You say kept in the dark, she may not be in the dark. That is a VERY big assumption you are making. At 20, if sperm donor had tried to form a relationship I would have freaked out. And this IS with me knowing about his existence. I am not in the dark.

Your husband is being selfish by trying to get into her life. He is being selfish by saying to others he has another daughter out there. It's not for him to claim her until she wants to claim him first. My sperm donor has NO rights to me and my life. It's MY decision to invite him into my life or not.