Would you help a niece with getting birth control..........

[bicker]

Age definitely matters. What one would not do for an 11 year old niece one may surely do for an 18 year old niece, so the question really comes down to what are the dividing lines (plural). And even then, it will depend on the girl, herself. I cannot imagine aunts not factoring in how mature their X year old niece is (as opposed to just blindly aiming at a specific birthday to change their perspective on what they will or won't do).

 

[Christopher Robin]

[QUOTE="Got Disney";27133361]My niece came to live with me and my family 2 years ago...she was 15 had sex with 36 men and had already gotten gonorrhea, Herpes, HPV and one other but can't remember what it was.

Her mother did not want her on BCP because she sis not want her daughter to think she was given her permission to have sex...ummm DUH

I not only got her on BCP but fed them to her because she wants to get pregnant and still does. She moved home this summer and her mom has made no effort to be sure that she is taking them...just that she says she is so her mom believes her. My experience is if you dont feed them to her she will not take them.

So yes I would. But stay on top of her and be sure to check for signs of health problems on them.

Have her talk to her mom and if she cant than look out for her. You can talk to teens about not having sex and that's important but if she is thinking about having intercourse at all better to be safe than sorry.

Good luck[/QUOTE]

RE the bolded part:

 

[princesspumpkin]

Thanks for all of the replies. Just to be clear - birth control does not always mean birth control pills. Many people just say birth control and mean pills, but i said birth control, meaning all methods (condoms, diaphragm, etc.) So, for some methos, no prescription is necessary.

Also, not every teen is as knowledgeable about these things. I think that some people believe that all teens know that they can go to Planned Parenthood and get free or low cost info and contraceptives. I was surprised that my girlfriends (when I was 16) were veterans of PP, and I was just finding out about it. It may be common knowledge to some people, but not everyone.

I understand it when people say that they would send the kid back to their parents. In theory, that sounds great. But i would feel very guilty it that teen never did go to their parents, and ended up pregnant or with an STD, knowing that i could have helped out in some way.

 

[Freyja]

Although difficult to say without being faced with the issue personally, I´m pretty sure I´d help her out

 

[Aisling]

If the niece was under age 18 (a minor child), then I would absolutely not go behind her parents back to help her get birth control. The most I'd do is tell her to speak to her school counselor for advice. I'd also tell her she should stop having sex until she's old enough to take care of the birth control issue on her own. Choosing to have sex should be made with a mature mind, and a teen who has to ask for help shouldn't be having sex, in my opinion. Sex isn't a recreational activity, but a major decision.

 

[Wishing on a star]

without her parents' knowing it?

Years ago, I found out that my niece was having unprotected sex as a teen. I took her to a class at a clinic that talked to teens about sex, diseases and birth control stuff. Plus, it gave each teen a take home packet of OTC birth control stuff. My sister found out and was pretty livid. She has since gotten over it and my niece is now a newly married 34 year old with no children yet.

Fast forward - DH's niece just turned 16. I gave her my cell number and told to call me if she needed anything at all. Just in case she found that she couldn't come to her parents, I wanted her to know that I would be there for her. If she does come to me about the same sex issue, I'm now wondering what I should do?

Would you tell the parents, refuse to help and encourage the niece to tell the parents, or assist the niece in the way that she wanted?

Thanks

Nope... Wouldn't do it... Not my place, no matter how well intentioned.

If I were to find myself in a situation where a niece actually came to me... I would only consider it AFTER speaking to her mother, and with her mother's blessing. (to actually initiate this communication with a child and to OFFER to involve yourself behind the parents back... NO WAY!!!!)

If the teenager did want to pursue some kind of planned pregnancy type of avenue, then she would have to do it on her own, with her friends, or with her mother... Again, it is not my place, no matter how well intentioned. I would never interfere with another person's child, and lie to them about it to boot.

PS: haven't read any other responses.. don't need to....

 

[KelNottAt]

Oh good grief. There is such an easy answer to this dilemma. Mothers and aunts, fathers and uncles, friends and neighbors must reach an understanding among themselves BEFORE a girl starts dating.

That's what my sister and I did. She has 2 daughters, I have a daughter and son. Currently they're 18, 16, 15, and 14. When my kids were 11 and 13, I raised the subject with Sis. I told her flat out, "If either of my kids comes to you seeking help with drugs, sex, etc., you have my permission to help him or her. You don't have to tell me, but I'd hope you do." She agreed and said the same philosophy applies to her kids.

Now, I didn't have to give her permission. I could have insisted that she turn down my child and report the request directly to me. But that's not my philosophy. Or, my Sis could have taken a position completely opposite to mine. In either case, I would honor her wishes and parental decisions.

This shouldn't be something the aunt has to guess at. She should KNOW in advance what the parents' feelings are. I urge all parents of tweens and teens to make their feelings known to the other adults in your kids' lives. Heaven forbid your child seeks help, but can't get it in time because the other adult didn't know what you would approve of.

 

[Tink & Goofy]

You might not like it but that's how it works.... Lord knows what its gonna be like when our kids are 16... BC (pills) might be OTC by then...

No, I certainly don't like it and it doesn't have to work that way. We could teach them not to.
But sex has become this consequence-free, no emotions attached, just something to do on Friday night thing. If more people had taught their children to wait until marriage (or at least if not marriage, adulthood) we wouldn't have the problem of teen pregnancy, rampant STD's (I can't watch a program without seeing a herpes commercial), and people sneaking behind parent's backs to help a child do something they shouldn't be doing in the first place.

Well 30 year olds can impregnate just the same as 17 year olds--so I'd still be darn glad she was protected from getting pregnant.

But I'm not sure why her parents would be any more able to make her tell them who she is having sex with than I would be. Surely a girl who is sleeping with a 30 year old without her parents knowing is pretty good at hiding things. In fact, if she were sleeping with a 30 year old he could probably take her to PP and pay so she wouldn't need to be asking me!

Yes, 30 years olds can impregnate. But if this underage child is sleeping with a adult that's considered molestation. Pedophilia. It's wrong and illegal. And I'm assuming you're not saying she can sleep with a 30 YO, right?
I think the age of her partner ought to be a stipulation if you were going to help. Would you want your 15 YO sleeping with an adult?

 

[KikiFan]

And I'd hope my child would go to another adult if he didn't feel he could talk to me. If I can't put aside my feelings of "he doesn't feel like he can talk to me," then that's my problem. My son's health comes before my feelings or beliefs any day.

I feel the same. I *think* that my daughter and I have the kind of relationship where she'll feel comfortable coming to talk to me. But if I'm wrong I want her to feel comfortable talking to someone.

another issue i see is absent of the knowledge of knowing your own child is sexualy active a medical emergency could occur that might not be addressed appropriatly absent that knowledge.

Anytime a dr or hospital deal with a girl over 12 they assume she is sexually active - regardless of what they parent says/thinks. It's for the girls safety and to minimize the liability to the hospital.

PS: haven't read any other responses.. don't need to....

I always wonder why people feel the need to make such a comment? It always comes across so arrogant to me. As if no one else's opinion matters.

But sex has become this consequence-free, no emotions attached, just something to do on Friday night thing. If more people had taught their children to wait until marriage (or at least if not marriage, adulthood) we wouldn't have the problem of teen pregnancy, rampant STD's (I can't watch a program without seeing a herpes commercial), and people sneaking behind parent's backs to help a child do something they shouldn't be doing in the first place.

The fact is abstinence only does not work. Just take a look at Lubbock Texas. Ultra conservative southern baptist, abstinence only town - at one point had the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation.

I'd rather that my daughter not have sex till she's an adult too. And I agree that 16 year olds probably aren't mature enough to handle the decision. But the fact is they are making that decision. And I'd rather not have my daughter punished for the rest of her life by an STD because she made a stupid decision as a teen. Or to have her life irrevocable changed because she got pregnant.

Sex is always going to have consequences, it changes the dynamic of their relationships with boys and other girls. It (hopefully) forces them to be responsible about birth control, protection from STDs etc. But leaving them adrift against things with lifetime consequences smacks of punishment to me.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[smartestnumber5]

Yes, 30 years olds can impregnate. But if this underage child is sleeping with a adult that's considered molestation. Pedophilia. It's wrong and illegal. And I'm assuming you're not saying she can sleep with a 30 YO, right?
I think the age of her partner ought to be a stipulation if you were going to help. Would you want your 15 YO sleeping with an adult?

No of course I don't think it's okay for a 30 year old to have sex with a 15 year old. If I knew this hypothetical niece was going to be (or already was) sleeping with a 30 year old I'd tell her parents because in that case there is a real chance that she is being coerced/manipulated/abused and the guy is doing something obviously illegal.

BUT, since telling her parents wouldn't necessarily stop her from having sex (with him or anyone else), I'd still get her birth control and/or load her up with condoms. Telling her parents is no guarantee that she won't have sex with the guy anyway.

Actually, I wonder if taking her to Planned Parenthood might be helpful in that kind of situation so that a medical professional--I assume if she let it be known to a medical professional that she is having sex with a 30 year old they might be under legal obligation to report it as a sex crime. At the very least, an objective medical professional telling the girl about the potential legal consequences to the guy might scare some sense in to her.

No, I certainly don't like it and it doesn't have to work that way. We could teach them not to.
But sex has become this consequence-free, no emotions attached, just something to do on Friday night thing. If more people had taught their children to wait until marriage (or at least if not marriage, adulthood) we wouldn't have the problem of teen pregnancy, rampant STD's (I can't watch a program without seeing a herpes commercial), and people sneaking behind parent's backs to help a child do something they shouldn't be doing in the first place.

Well I think there are some people who simply disagree with you about whether teens "shouldn't" be having sex in the first place. I have no problem with a mature 16 or 17 year old using protection and having consensual sex with a peer around the same age. I would never teach my child to wait until marriage because a) I have no reason to think that my child will want to, chose to, or be legally allowed to get married and b) I see no good reason whatsoever to save sex til marriage/committed relationship and c) there is no necessary connection between having sex before marriage/outside of committed relationships and teen pregnancy/STDs. Many European countries have just as much (or more) sex amongst teens but lower rates of pregnancies and STDs. In my close family, my aunt is absolutely the most conservative person when it comes to sex--she is also the only person in the family to have had an unplanned pregnancy (two actually) both while having sex after drinking, both within the first year and half of being married in her very early 20s. Both quite devastating to her when she found out she was pregnant and created a significant amount of financial hardship.

I don't understand why there appears to be an attitude that somehow saving sex til marriage/after age 18 is the cure to the problem of unplanned pregnancy and STDs. Plenty of married people have unplanned pregnancies and merely being married doesn't make that not a problem. Of all the elective abortions in the U.S. only 17% of them are obtained by women under 20. 33% are women 20-24. The other 50% are obtained by women 24 and over. One third of the total abortions are obtained by married women. Being an adult and being married doesn't make an unplanned pregnancy no longer a problem. It doesn't make one secure from STDs either. Globally speaking, having sex with one's husband is the greatest risk a woman can take with regards to being exposed to HIV. I believe the CDC estimates that half of all of the new STD infections each year occur in people over the age of 24--many of whom are likely to be married.

On a side note, I've always wondered how parents of lesbian teens look at the idea of their child having sex. Woman-to-woman transmission of STDs is certainly possible, but it is lower for almost every (if not all) STDs--often significantly so. I believe there still has not been one documented case of woman to woman transmission of HIV. And obviously pregnancy is not an issue. So I've often thought that if the push for abstinence and the disapproval of teen sex is all about pregnancy and STDs, parents/society/the government really has no grounds to object to two teenage girls having sex with each other.

Oh good grief. There is such an easy answer to this dilemma. Mothers and aunts, fathers and uncles, friends and neighbors must reach an understanding among themselves BEFORE a girl starts dating.
.
.
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This shouldn't be something the aunt has to guess at. She should KNOW in advance what the parents' feelings are. I urge all parents of tweens and teens to make their feelings known to the other adults in your kids' lives. Heaven forbid your child seeks help, but can't get it in time because the other adult didn't know what you would approve of.

I completely agree with you. Just as some parents here might be livid if their relative didn't immediately tell them that their child was having sex or got them a prescription without the parent's knowledge, I think I would be livid that my relative didn't immediately shove a box of condoms in her hand and get on her on the phone with PP. It's best these things be decided ahead of time.

The trouble, I suspect, however, is that some of the girls whose parents deny their relatives permission to help her are going to be the girls who are most in need of help (because their parents are going to refuse it to them and/or punish them for having sex).

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Take her and help her. I would however ask her to speak with her parents and you would go along and she might be surprised that they would understand.

Kids are growing up to fast and sometimes it isn't the parents fault at all, its just how our world is today.

To the parents who said No Way and would be upset.

Would you rather your daughter get pregnant because no one would help her?

 

[SeeVee]

Yes I would help. I don't believe that teens need to discuss their sex lives with their parents if they don't want.

That has to be the most troubling thing I have ever read on the DIS.

Why in God's name would you have such a radical view? EVERYTHING a child does the parent's business because the parents are resonsible for the consequences.

 

[SeeVee]

Give her your niece's phone number. She owes you one!!

For the love of God, can girls today not go get their own birth control? Everyone I knew went to Planned Parenthood. Those who couldn't drive got their friends to drive them.

If I knew it would piss the mom off, I wouldn't do it. But I wouldn't tattle on her, either.

That is kind of a twisted definition of "*******"

Mom suzy is wearing dirty socks

Mom Billy pulled my hair

Mom William ate an extra piece of cake.

Those are tattles.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

That has to be the most troubling thing I have ever read on the DIS.

Why in God's name would you have such a radical view? EVERYTHING a child does the parent's business because the parents are resonsible for the consequences.

In gods name this is not radical!

How are the parents responsible for the consequences of a teen having sex? STD - teen bears the consequences
pregnant - teen bears the consequences - abort, adopt, have the baby

Sex lives of teenagers should be private - I doubt many parents are into the sharing of their sex lives with their children - so why should a teen have to tell their parent? It is a deeply personal subject.

 

[SeeVee]

I would take her straight to planned parenthood. And I would talk to her about unprotected sex and sexually transmitted diseases and love and happiness. But, then I'd just have to tolerate my sister's wrath. That's OK. Small price to pay for my neice's health and future And I'd hope my child would go to another adult if he didn't feel he could talk to me. If I can't put aside my feelings of "he doesn't feel like he can talk to me," then that's my problem. My son's health comes before my feelings or beliefs any day.

That is shameful.

Saying a child's health comes before a parents feelings is silly. Have you ever thought about the mental health of the child. Surely an adult encouraging a child to have sex against their parents wishes is not good for their mental health.

 

[Aisling]

Sex lives of teenagers should be private - I doubt many parents are into the sharing of their sex lives with their children - so why should a teen have to tell their parent? It is a deeply personal subject.

Wow, not in my house.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

That is shameful.

Surely an adult encouraging a child to have sex against their parents wishes is not good for their mental health.

Uptight, puritanical parents don't wish their kids to have sex and if they do they could damage their mental health?

Really- sex is great and wonderful - it has been since I was a teenager... who knew I was really damaging myself?

 

[NMAmy]

This shouldn't be something the aunt has to guess at. She should KNOW in advance what the parents' feelings are. I urge all parents of tweens and teens to make their feelings known to the other adults in your kids' lives. Heaven forbid your child seeks help, but can't get it in time because the other adult didn't know what you would approve of.

I think this is excellent advice. I'm only 14 years older than my niece. My sister told my niece and my nephew that if they had something they weren't comfortable discussing with her that they could come to me.

Since my niece is now 30 and my 17 yo dd thinks she is the coolest thing ever, she is dd's designated extra "mom." I know that my niece would give her excellent advice and I'm totally fine with her helping dd if she should need it and not want to come to me. And my sister is on call if I'm ever not available for older mom problems. For example, when I went out of the country for a couple of weeks and dd was with her dad, she knew that if she had something that she needed my kind of advice for, she could call my sister.

 

[Kath2003]

I'd point them in the right direction, but I wouldn't take them anywhere. Providing information is doing nothing more than the teen would receive if they used google. I'd quite happily explain the options, discuss the benefits of each and give names, addresses and numbers for areas where he/she could find out more, though. Who the teen chooses to discuss their sex life with is their business, but it's not my business to be 'arranging' anything.