Would you help a niece with getting birth control..........

[Tink & Goofy]

Punishment would mean you want to have a girlfriend, good, you can see her here at home when someone is home. Her mother appreciates that.

I'd certainly appreciate it! And same rules will apply for my kids.

I think we need to stop expecting kids to have sex. It's not just teens anymore; tweens are having sex. Here in WA there were three kids that did that, three boys and a girl...ages 8-10. Did you hear me? 8-10. Gonna go buy them some bc? Do they have a "right" to have sex without their parents' knowledge?

 

[KelNottAt]

What is the legal age of consent in america for sex? In the UK its 16 for having sex 17 for driving 18 for pretty much anything else and 21 for becoming an mp.

Age of consent in every state (from http://www.totse.com/en/law/justice_for_all/aoc.html) I just found this. I can't verify its accuracy.

14: Hawaii, Pennsylvania

15: Colorado, South Carolina

16: Alabama, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North
Carolina, Ohio, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Utah, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia, Wyoming

17: Louisiana, Missouri, New Mexico, New York, Texas

18: Alaska, Arkansas, Arizona, Calif., Florida, Idaho, Illinois, Mississippi, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, Tennessee, Virginia, Wisconsin

 

[KikiFan]

Teens who decide to smoke crack will also do it. But I'm not going to hand my kid the pipe because he "made the decision."

Crack and sex are apples in oranges. One is an illegal substance and the other is a natural function of the human body.


"Criminalizing sex" by threatening punishment, just guarantees you won't be the one they come to when they start to think about it. So you have to hope that he won't have sex or if he does, that someone is advising him to be responsible. To me that seems like a big risk to take with something that can alter the course of his life forever. It's not a risk I care to take with my daughter's life.

She knows that I want her to wait till she's an adult, she knows all the possible repercussions from pregnancy to STDs to the emotional cost of having sex. But she also knows that if she choses not to wait - I'll be there for her to talk to. I figure it's my last shot to talk her out of it or at least make sure she's being responsible.

I think we need to stop expecting kids to have sex.

To me that's a little like saying that we need to stop expecting the sky to be blue. The fact is kids are having sex.

And it's really not about expecting them to have it. It's about expecting and teaching them not to; yet understanding that their hormones might overwhelm their good sense, and having a back up plan.

 

[KelNottAt]

:
I think we need to stop expecting kids to have sex.

Are you saying that expecting teens to have sex = encouraging teens to have sex?

 

[Tink & Goofy]

Are you saying that expecting teens to have sex = encouraging teens to have sex?

The teens that I knew then and know now? Yeah.
Many kids have told me that if their parents had encouraged them to not have sex they wouldn't have (a few said they would have anyway). But their parents either said it was okay or said nothing at about it at all. Outright encouragement and lack of parental involvement encouraged these kids to engage in destructive behavior.
And if you're wondering why they'd be talking to me about it, my husband is a minister.

 

[Aisling]

Crack and sex are apples in oranges. One is an illegal substance and the other is a natural function of the human body.


"Criminalizing sex" by threatening punishment, just guarantees you won't be the one they come to when they start to think about it.

I made that analogy only to show that both are off-limits under my rules where my underage children are concerned, even though I see now that it looks silly in black and white.

I'm not criminalizing sex. I'm making it clear to my son that I expect him to control his urges when he's with his girl until he's a legal adult.

I'm not condemning any other way, I'm just telling how it works for my family. I saw in some states that 14 is the legal age of consent. How would you feel about your 14 year old son having sex, since it's a natural function of the human body?

See what I mean? We all have to do what's best for our own families. I draw the line at 18.

 

[Kath2003]

"Condoms don't cause sex any more than umbrellas cause rain."

Our best bet is to give teens the information they need and want, when they need and want it. If they're asking for information from ANYONE, I'd say they're doing better than the millions of teens who already assume they know best and DON'T get the information they ned to make an informed, safe decision when they choose to have sex.

 

[bethy]

Exactly. Kids aren't animals, they can control themselves if they want to. Doesn't mean they will, but they can.

Amen.

Underage sex will be against the rules in our house, just like drug use, underage drinking, skipping school etc. If my child chooses to have sex anyway then as a parent I would lovingly try and steer her away from doing it again BUT ALSO be by her side to help them face and cope with any consquences of her actions.

I most certainly do NOT feel that a teen will or should inevitably have sex the moment they "feel ready." WTH?

 

[KelNottAt]

The teens that I knew then and know now? Yeah.
Many kids have told me that if their parents had encouraged them to not have sex they wouldn't have (a few said they would have anyway). But their parents either said it was okay or said nothing at about it at all. Outright encouragement and lack of parental involvement encouraged these kids to engage in destructive behavior.
And if you're wondering why they'd be talking to me about it, my husband is a minister.

Sorry. But, your reply sounds speculative and presumptuous. And it didn't answer my question.

 

[PaulaSB12]

You know, honestly I haven't gotten into every aspect of each "base" with him. I basically have told them to stop when things are turning towards intercourse and whatever can cause disease. He knows what I mean.

Punishment would mean you want to have a girlfriend, good, you can see her here at home when someone is home. Her mother appreciates that.

How old is your son? How old will he be before he is allowed to see his girlfriend without someone watching him?

 

[HelenePA]

I just hope and pray my children come to me BEFORE they are "ready" what's the point of them coming to me afterwards? they could already be pregnant.. it only takes once...

 

[cruisnfamily]

I would do only what I would want someone else to do if the teenager in question were my daughter...talk to the parent about the situation.
Because the truth is, no other adult in this world besides possibly my husband, love my daughter with the depth and width of my love for her. Not one well-meaning aunt could even hold a candle to me when it comes to wanting the best for my child.
And an issue as important as this one? Yeah, I should be in the know.

I love this response! I agree!

 

[KelNottAt]

I most certainly do NOT feel that a teen will or should inevitably have sex the moment they "feel ready." WTH?

I don't think a kid will or should, either. But, as a parent, wouldn't you want to know if/when your kid feels ready? Wouldn't want him or her to come to you? Well, unilaterally forbidding sex like its an illegal drug pretty much guarantees that the kid won't ever come to his or her parents.

Clearly, the alternative to finding out when your child feels ready is never knowing. And that means missing an opportunity to discuss the consequences and take preventive measures.

 

[Aisling]

How old is your son? How old will he be before he is allowed to see his girlfriend without someone watching him?

My son does see his girlfriend without anyone watching him.

A poster asked me what the consequences/punishment would be if I found out he was sexually active.

My son is 16.

 

[PghLybrt]

I absolutely would. I also would if it were my best friends daughters that came to me.

 

[Sorsha]

Would I help my niece? You bet.. in a heartbeat. Because if she comes to me, I would not want to betray her by telling her, in essence, "yeah, I know I said I would help you, but ummm... not this time, not this sticky situation, run on home to mommy now, k?" Of course, I would encourage her to talk to her parents, but if she didn't feel comfortable doing so then I would thank my lucky stars that she DID feel comfortable enough to come to me. I would also give a most stern and graphic lecture on STDs and pregnancy and the reality of what she was doing. But, IMHO (and this is just my opinion, but its the one I trust the most), once a teen has reached the point of asking someone to help them get birth control, the proverbial ship has sailed. They have made up their minds, and if they aren't already "doing it" they will be at the next possible opportunity. now, my niece is 4, so I am pretty sure this won't be an issue for a while, AND I will have talked to HER parents before then, letting them know how I feel and asking them to do the same for my daughters if any of them ever come to their aunt for help.

I had sex as a teen, and I am not damaged. On the contrary, I feel it was beneficial. It did wonders for my self-esteem and confidence, and allowed me to experience life fully before I got married. I know several people who "saved themselves" until they got married (grew up in a very conservative church) but then got curious about what else might be out there and ended up cheating on their spouses. NOT SAYING that everyone who marries as a virgin will do this, but IN MY OWN life, I found it to be this way.

Now, mind you, I was a very responsible teen. Straight A student (except for that blasted chemistry class.. never could "get" that one). I was in a long-lasting monogamous relationship for most of high school. I was the daughter of an OB/GYN nurse, so I was very educated on STDs and safe sex and the generalized facts of life. I knew my cycles like clockwork, and made educted decisions about birth control. I will teach my daughters to do the same, and fully support them in the decisions they make about their own sex life as long as they are making educated, responsible decisions. I feel very strongly that sex is a natural function, and should be a wonderful, fulfilling thing, and I will not allow anyone to tell my daughters that the feelings they have are "wrong" or "evil" just because of their age.

So, if my kids corrupt yours sometime in the future, my apologies in advance.

 

[cruellababy]

You bet I would, and I have a 16 yo DD and I hope one of my sisters would do the same for her-regardless of feeling the need to inform me. Some kids feel the need too talk to certain adults they deem "cool"; I know my DD doesn't think that-but I have a couple of neices that think I'm pretty cool. And the last thing anyone needs is a kid who is pregnant or afflicted with a STD. So, If my DD decided to go to her aunt for info- as long as it was presented correctly; covering all bases I would have no issues.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Would I help my niece? You bet.. in a heartbeat. Because if she comes to me, I would not want to betray her by telling her, in essence, "yeah, I know I said I would help you, but ummm... not this time, not this sticky situation, run on home to mommy now, k?" Of course, I would encourage her to talk to her parents, but if she didn't feel comfortable doing so then I would thank my lucky stars that she DID feel comfortable enough to come to me. I would also give a most stern and graphic lecture on STDs and pregnancy and the reality of what she was doing. But, IMHO (and this is just my opinion, but its the one I trust the most), once a teen has reached the point of asking someone to help them get birth control, the proverbial ship has sailed. They have made up their minds, and if they aren't already "doing it" they will be at the next possible opportunity. now, my niece is 4, so I am pretty sure this won't be an issue for a while, AND I will have talked to HER parents before then, letting them know how I feel and asking them to do the same for my daughters if any of them ever come to their aunt for help.

I had sex as a teen, and I am not damaged. On the contrary, I feel it was beneficial. It did wonders for my self-esteem and confidence, and allowed me to experience life fully before I got married. I know several people who "saved themselves" until they got married (grew up in a very conservative church) but then got curious about what else might be out there and ended up cheating on their spouses. NOT SAYING that everyone who marries as a virgin will do this, but IN MY OWN life, I found it to be this way.

You're just lucky. Either that, or you lead a sheltered life or your friends spare you the stories when they cheat.

I've know plenty of people who have cheated who had sex when they were teens. Plenty. The drawback of minding your own business and keeping your mouth shut is that people burden you with their secrets. It's a BIG drawback. Sometimes it almost rips you in two.

There are plenty of people who were having sex as teens that cheat when they're adults. Trust me on this.

I only know one person who actually waited to have sex until she married. Well, two, kind of. One caved right before the wedding. One I lost touch with and the other is still happily married...but her DH is kind of a jerk, so we'll see about that marriage.

 

[Sorsha]

You're just lucky. Either that, or you lead a sheltered life or your friends spare you the stories when they cheat.

I've know plenty of people who have cheated who had sex when they were teens. Plenty. The drawback of minding your own business and keeping your mouth shut is that people burden you with their secrets. It's a BIG drawback. Sometimes it almost rips you in two.

There are plenty of people who were having sex as teens that cheat when they're adults. Trust me on this.

I only know one person who actually waited to have sex until she married. Well, two, kind of. One caved right before the wedding. One I lost touch with and the other is still happily married...but her DH is kind of a jerk, so we'll see about that marriage.

You are absolutely correct... Lots of people who had sex as teens end up cheating on spouses, I never implied that they didn't. I was just saying that several of the people I know who DIDN'T have sex before marriage ended up cheating later in life because of curiosity/boredom/a desire to know what might be "out there". For ME, and for some other people I know, somewhat "wild" teen years alleviated this problem later on. I know what/who else is out there and what they are like, and I *know* how lucky I am to have the wonderful guy I have.

Anyhow, having now drifted WAY OT from the OP's original question, I shall now return you to your regularily scheduled discussion. Carry on!

 

[friendofgusgus]

I haven't read all the posts, so I apologize if I'm repeating someone else's thoughts here.

I would not take her to get BC pills because they are NOT the real answer to her issues. She needs condoms to protect her against the much more likely reality of an STD being transmitted. A high number of teen girls carry the HPV virus - and the vaccination is most effective when given to a girl who has not already been infected. Also, Herpes is making a serious comeback, particularly among teens.

The best option would be a combination of the two, but if she is not old enough to buy condoms and insist on their use - which she can do without ever asking you for assistance - she is not old enough to be having sex. And I'd tell her that in a New York minute.

Wow, would I be torn. But she can do what she needs to do on her own, either at the drugstore or at a doctor's office. Her rights under the HIPPA act do not allow her parents to be notified, although if she bills their insurance (you'd be surprised at how often this happens) they will likely see that she had been to the doctor or pharmacy without them.

I'd do nothing at all without a couple of nice, long talks. Not to deter her but to really find out what she needs. Maybe she's not seriously on the verge of becoming active but wants to keep up with her friends. Maybe she already IS active and needs help ASAP. Until I have some of those answers, I'd wait.


And now for MHO:
***Steps on Soapbox***
I detest that the anti-viral drug commercials show all these beautiful people in fabulous relationships who are "protecting" their partners from Herpes. Funny, they never talk about how tough it can be to FIND a partner once you disclose your Herpes status to them.
***Off Soapbox***