Would you help a niece with getting birth control..........

[Aisling]

Uptight, puritanical parents don't wish their kids to have sex and if they do they could damage their mental health?

I'm not uptight. One son is 22 and can have all the sex he wants, with my blessing. My other son is 16, and he's a kid, and he has been told sex if off limits. He's going to do what he's going to do, but I'm not going to tell him he's allowed to go have sex when he wants to.

 

[KelNottAt]

My other son is 16, and he's a kid, and he has been told sex if off limits. He's going to do what he's going to do, but I'm not going to tell him he's allowed to go have sex when he wants to.

If read this right, you've told your 16 yo that sex is off limits, yet you acknowledge that he might do it anyway.

So, hypothetically, what would you do if you had indisputable evidence that he's having sex?

And, just for the sake of discussion, how would you fill in the following blank: "Son, you're too young for sex. But, if you get to the point of feeling ready, you really must ________________."

A. come see me and Dad
B. get birth control
C. stop no matter what
D. accept a long and dreadful punishment
E. other

 

[SeeVee]

We always just helped each other out as kids, parents never entered the picture when it came to things like that! You went tothe local clinic and got the stuff on your own, at 15 or 18! Personally I felt my parents had no business knowing about my sex life as long as I handled things and there were no pregnancys or STD's then I was doing ok!

So, it was only "their business" if there was a pregnancy? If it was only "their business" when you "couldnt handle things" then you had no business putting yourself in the position.

 

[KikiFan]

That is shameful.

Saying a child's health comes before a parents feelings is silly. Have you ever thought about the mental health of the child. Surely an adult encouraging a child to have sex against their parents wishes is not good for their mental health.

There's a huge difference between someone "encouraging" a teen to have sex and an adult assisting them to be responsible when the teen has already made the decision to have sex.

Abstinence only doesn't work. There's a million studies and teen pregnancies that prove it. Teens who decide to have sex will have it. So do we sit back and let them irrevocably change their lives because we're too stubborn to teach them proper protection? That's ridiculous imo.

 

[SeeVee]

I had a neighbor that I was casual friends with. Our girls hung out. My neighbors 19 year old daughter, not my daughters friend, came to me crying and saying she is pregnant. She didn't know who which guy the father was and she wanted guidence on who and where to call for help. I talked to her about all options.She was brought up in a strict, no sex till marriage family. At this point in life the girl was living on her own and supporting herself. I did try to get her to tell her mom right away, but she just kept saying not yet. Very soon after, she did go to her parents, but must have told them I knew first. So goodbye friendship.

I don't know how I would have felt in her place. My sister and I have always said, do what any of our kids need and worry about our feelings after. But we are very close and talk about everything. We came from a very open family and have brought our kids up the same. So these kinds of talks are not unusual.

If she would have listened and heeded her parents, she would not be in that mess. But then those here think that the same kids will listen and heed their advice to use the BCP?

 

[smartestnumber5]

Take her and help her. I would however ask her to speak with her parents and you would go along and she might be surprised that they would understand.

Kids are growing up to fast and sometimes it isn't the parents fault at all, its just how our world is today.

To the parents who said No Way and would be upset.

Would you rather your daughter get pregnant because no one would help her?

I think some of the parents really think that if a teen is turned down by the aunt/cousin/whoever, the girl will turn to the parent. From my experience as a teenager watching my friends, I see absolutely no reason to believe this. My guess is they will go ahead and have sex anyway with or without protection (or with less protection then they id eally should have). Or better yet, my guess is that in some cases the sex has already started happening without (good) protection before the girl asks.

I think some of the parents are assuming that their relative will immediately call them and announce "Your 17 year old daughter is considering having sex. Oh the horror. Hurry and chain her up so she remains pure" and then they will do everything in their power to stop the kid from having sex.

And I think others expect the relative to call them and then they will act like the good parents that they are, talk to the kid about sex, share their own point of view with the kid, acknowledge that it is not their decision to make, and get the kid birth control.

I really think in the last case, the parents can do a lot to make it more likely that their daughter will talk to them. And I suspect that with sufficient encouragement from the aunt (NOT threats or refusals to help), she can convince the daughter to talk to her parents.

So it's really the first and second cases that are scary. I'm hoping most people on this thread who wouldn't want their relative to help fall into the third case.

 

[mjkacmom]

That is shameful.

Saying a child's health comes before a parents feelings is silly. Have you ever thought about the mental health of the child. Surely an adult encouraging a child to have sex against their parents wishes is not good for their mental health.

Well, the health of my children will always be more important than my feelings, more important than almost anything. Getting her sexually active niece access to bc is not enouraging sex - the sex is happening. It is an effort to keep her healthy and pregnancy-free.

 

[Aisling]

If read this right, you've told your 16 yo that sex is off limits, yet you acknowledge that he might do it anyway.

So, hypothetically, what would you do if you had indisputable evidence that he's having sex?

And, just for the sake of discussion, how would you fill in the following blank: "Son, you're too young for sex. But, if you get to the point of feeling ready, you really must ________________."

A. come see me and Dad
B. get birth control
C. stop no matter what
D. accept a long and dreadful punishment
E. other

Yes, I am realistic and ackowledge that he might do it anyway. I would fill in the blank by saying "stop no matter what. ust like you stop no matter what when you're offered a joint to smoke. When you're older, you're free to do as you choose. At age 16, you're not, and I'm hoping you will choose to control yourself if you get into a situation where you want to have sex."

My son is no idiot, he knows about birth control, he's been in on the conversations we've had with my older son. I teach him to say NO, and the rest is up to him. I can't be with him 24/7, but if I did find out he was having sex, he'd be punished just like if I found out he got drunk at age 16.

 

[Aisling]

There's a huge difference between someone "encouraging" a teen to have sex and an adult assisting them to be responsible when the teen has already made the decision to have sex.

Abstinence only doesn't work. There's a million studies and teen pregnancies that prove it. Teens who decide to have sex will have it. So do we sit back and let them irrevocably change their lives because we're too stubborn to teach them proper protection? That's ridiculous imo.

Teens who decide to smoke crack will also do it. But I'm not going to hand my kid the pipe because he "made the decision."

 

[simpilotswife]

I wish my niece had come to me about birth control. She had 2 kids and was pregnant with her 3rd by the time she was 21.

 

[smartestnumber5]

I'm not uptight. One son is 22 and can have all the sex he wants, with my blessing. My other son is 16, and he's a kid, and he has been told sex if off limits. He's going to do what he's going to do, but I'm not going to tell him he's allowed to go have sex when he wants to.

How you make the age distinctions? Is 18 the age where you give your blessing? Is it post-college or post your being responsible financially for the child? Do you factor the child's emotional maturity into things at all?

I'm wondering because I have a 22 year old brother who is emotionally very immature and very unwilling to take responsibility for any problems or mistakes that he faces. (It's always the professors fault when he fails a class, the government's fault when he gets a speeding ticket, etc.) I was not like that at 22....or 20, or 18, or even I think 16 or 17. My parents have always remarked at how different he and I are, with being a lot more responsible and mature throughout my life. Maybe I'm just arrogant, but I would go so far as to say that I was more responsible and mature in many ways at 17 than he is at 22. And I *know* that I was more educated about sexuality, birth control, STDs, abortion, etc. when I was 17 than he is now--that year I took a human sexuality class at a local college which involved intensive study about these issues.

So I would think that in terms of responsibility and maturity, I wouldn't think that chronological age and readiness for sex always go together.

 

[Aisling]

There are tons of unplanned teen pregnancies, but I think we need to give teens some credit and realize that many do choose not to have sex until they're older and not under their parents rules anymore.

 

[Aisling]

How you make the age distinctions? Is 18 the age where you give your blessing? Is it post-college or post your being responsible financially for the child? Do you factor the child's emotional maturity into things at all?

I'm wondering because I have a 22 year old brother who is emotionally very immature and very unwilling to take responsibility for any problems or mistakes that he faces. .

This is a great question. After age 18, the kids are legal adults, and it becomes their choice. I use that as my guideline. I can't answer for being emotionally immature at age 22, because thankfully my son that age has a steady girlfrend and is using protection. I know this is a tough issue for many parents. We all have to do what we feel is best for our own kids/families.

 

[KelNottAt]

Yes, I am realistic and ackowledge that he might do it anyway. I would fill in the blank by saying "stop no matter what. ust like you stop no matter what when you're offered a joint to smoke. When you're older, you're free to do as you choose. At age 16, you're not, and I'm hoping you will choose to control yourself if you get into a situation where you want to have sex."

My son is no idiot, he knows about birth control, he's been in on the conversations we've had with my older son. I teach him to say NO, and the rest is up to him. I can't be with him 24/7, but if I did find out he was having sex, he'd be punished just like if I found out he got drunk at age 16.

OK. So, if your son feels he's ready for sex, you expect him to slam on the brakes voluntarily without consulting his parents. And, if you find out that he's gone ahead with it anyway, you will punish him.

Got it. Thanks.

 

[Aisling]

Maybe I'm just arrogant, but I would go so far as to say that I was more responsible and mature in many ways at 17 than he is at 22.

You're not being arrogant at all. But as a mom, I have to set rules and guidelines, and the 18 legal age thing has worked for our family so far. I just have a problem with telling my son "you have to be in by midnight (or whatever time), clean your room before you leave, stop fighting with your brother, and don't forget to bring the condoms". Know what I mean?

 

[Wishing on a star]

In this day and age, I cannot be persuaded that most teens are complete and total mental incompetents who know NOTHING about sex, pregnancy, std's, etc.... (I also can never be persuaded that it is a good thing for an adult to 'hold their hands' so that they can have sex.)

I think that we could hand out pills and condoms and information galore at schools and malls... but the fact is that there will STILL be staggering numbers of teen pregnancies, stds', etc.. because TEENS are TEENS!!!

If they are not mature and responsible enough to take precautions seroiusly, and to use them EVERY time... (which many are simply NOT going to do, out of sheer developmental and emotional immaturity) then the problem will persist...

TEENS have a warped sense of reality and responsibility... they have a high level of impulsivity, and an attitude that no harm can happen to them... invincability.. etc..

These things are NOT going to be improved by the fact that well meaning but very misguided and MEDDLING relatives decide that they need to hold little Suzie's hand so she can have sex... and make sure to fluff the pillows for them.. Because, GOD FORBID that anyone is not encouraged to have free and open sex...

 

[Aisling]

OK. So, if your son feels he's ready for sex, you expect him to slam on the brakes voluntarily without consulting his parents. And, if you find out that he's gone ahead with it anyway, you will punish him.

Got it. Thanks.

Exactly. Kids aren't animals, they can control themselves if they want to. Doesn't mean they will, but they can.

 

[smartestnumber5]

My son is no idiot, he knows about birth control, he's been in on the conversations we've had with my older son. I teach him to say NO, and the rest is up to him. I can't be with him 24/7, but if I did find out he was having sex, he'd be punished just like if I found out he got drunk at age 16.

I just have to know regarding the punishment, are there different degrees for offenses? Is it strictly an intercourse thing? Or do you tell him what base he's allowed to get to? I assume he is allowed to do certain things solo--but have you actually come right out and given him permission for it?

 

[Aisling]

I just have to know regarding the punishment, are there different degrees for offenses? Is it strictly an intercourse thing? Or do you tell him what base he's allowed to get to? I assume he is allowed to do certain things solo--but have you actually come right out and given him permission for it?

You know, honestly I haven't gotten into every aspect of each "base" with him. I basically have told them to stop when things are turning towards intercourse and whatever can cause disease. He knows what I mean.

Punishment would mean you want to have a girlfriend, good, you can see her here at home when someone is home. Her mother appreciates that.

 

[PaulaSB12]

What is the legal age of consent in america for sex? In the UK its 16 for having sex 17 for driving 18 for pretty much anything else and 21 for becoming an mp.