Would you have a problem with this fundraiser?

[JennaTX]

Well I have read through the entire thread, and I am surprised by some of the responses on both sides!

To the OP: You should do whatever you need to do to make certain that your daughter will arrive home with you.

I don't know if I would attend a fundraiser like this for a complete stranger, but I probably would even if it was a friend of a friend.

Tacky?? Who cares! When you are a mother (and I realize the OP is not yet physically, but she is in her heart) you do whatever needs to be done for your child!

Best of wishes to you, and hopefully the adoption will go through!

 

[poohandwendy]

DH is vice president of our local fire company. We always have beef n beer type fundraisers for different things as it is a very close knit group of people. These people are our extended family. No one would be "invited"... just a word of mouth type thing for close friends and family (of whom we have several hundred). Anyway, I would never be offended if people did not want to donate, nor would I expect them to.

Then, I wouldn't be surprised if they took it upon themselves to organize something for you. i just personally would not be involved in it, nor would I want my immediate family to do so.

I was thinking more along the lines that there is always room for nastiness like "I cannot believe Aunt Kay didn't show up" Or fill in the blanks with anyone else. It just seems to make it into an obligation that may make people feel offended. And I think that when you mix money and close relationships, there is alot of room for hurt feelings.

 

[happybratpack]

not insulting-i just want to understand.

you've say "this is my child"-does this mean that the adoption is already final? and does this mean the child has already met you and had some opportunity to bond?

i guess with a newborn or very little one it would'nt be a huge issue, but if someone is adopting a child (in this manner) who is "more aware" (say a toddler or young child) are they told they have a mommy and daddy coming to get them? and if that's the case-why would they lead a child to believe this if the financial instruments to retrieve them were not already in place. it seems with an older child it could be devastating to experience a second loss of parents if something happened to fianancialy prevent the adoptive parents from following through.

again-no insult intended, just very curious.

I can offer my .02 on this from my experience. Until I'm standing in China and finish my paperwork and pay the last of my fees mine is not "final". I am, however, approved by the CCAA and the US government to adopt Sun Ying (who is three). I have sent numerous care packages to her, I have sent letters to the orphanage director and had communication. They have a small photo album of pictures of me and they work with her to understand she now has a mommy and gets her familiar w/ my pictures. They show her pictures of her new home, her family, etc.

If they did not do this on the chance that I would arrive in China and not pay the last of my fees, she would be given to me one day and have had no preparation at all on what to expect, who I was, why her "aunties" that have taken care of her forever were leaving her with a strange looking woman. I am thankful for everything her nannies and the director does to help her adjust to her new life.

 

[barkley]

What? The majority of international adoptions take much longer than the US where one could have a healthy baby in their arms within a week! Many countries do not allow you to choose the sex of your child....just as in the US where some birth mothers don't know the sex of their child. Many parents would love to adopt Chinese boys but there is a much longer waiting list for them. Not much choice there! I don't see how choosing the nationality of your child is an advantage? Considering how diverse the US is, you could do that with domestic adoption as well. As far as genetic background....you get no information with international adoption. Is that really an advantage?

I think it's just plain crass that one would equate the financial cost of adoption with some random list of "advantages".

from the vantage point of working within the u.s. public adoption system and seeing many wonderful parents opt out of the system because they cannot "pick and choose" children or do not wish to be subject to the intensive background checks that are required of them (not in any way to insinuate this is the case of the o.p.) this IS the reality. if you or anyone your are aware of has adopted a u.s. child through a public agency in "a week" the law has been circumvented and the best of interests of the child have in no way, shape or form been considered.

 

[barkley]

I can't believe you would blame adoptive parents for increasing abortion rates?!

NEWS FLASH for you: You know who's adopting those cute foreign kids? The Canadians, French, British, Austrians, Danish, Germans...all coming to the USA to adopt AA and biracial babies. Those are the cute "foreign" kids!

not blaming-just reporting what myself and other u.s. public social service employees are told by clients. i had no idea that adoption was not a fathomable option for inner city women (mostly who had african american or bi-racial kids) until i heard it for over 10 years. and the reality is, foreign persons are not adopting any considerable number of bi-racial or minority u.s. children through public agencies-they are doing so through private adoption services (which can be very selective regarding the mothers they admit and the children they accept)-u.s. citizen children who by parental choice or parental neglect end up in adoptive circumstances are sadly less likely statisticly to be adopted within their "home country" than children of other national origins.

 

[BuckNaked]

do you want me to start with the physiological aspects of depression ?

No thanks, because I didn't ask you about the physiological aspects of depression, I asked you about the physiological aspects of infertility, and how they were changed by adoption.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Every child deserves a loving family and I don't begrudge anyone that but it saddens me that there are lots and lots of kids here in the US that aren't being adopted because they are not cute little babies.

And here lies the problem with US adoption. Most babies are kept by the birth mother but a year or two later they know they cannot care for the child and put them in foster care. Nobody wants these kids, so they linger.

 

[In a hurry]

And here lies the problem with US adoption. Most babies are kept by the birth mother but a year or two later they know they cannot care for the child and put them in foster care. Nobody wants these kids, so they linger.

Not only that, but by the time they spend 2 or 3 years in foster care in the attempt to reunite, they are usually totally screwed up. If they survive that, then you have to hope that some case-worked didn't make any mistakes (one family I knew had to spend 1 year extra right before the adoption was to take place, due to poor paperwork) and then you have to hope some long lost relative doesn't jump in and claim them.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I don't know how the particular costs of an adoption are allocated, but if some of the $30K you must spend goes toward the orphanage itself, perhaps a fundraiser for the orphanage would go over better than a fundraiser for the adoption.

In one of our families cases the adoption was $25,000 (6 years ago and the first international adoption). The orphanage got $1000. They spent about $20,000 on bribes to the mayor etc. The rest was for lawyers in the adoptive country, court costs, driver and guide. The cost to pick up thier son was in addition to these costs. Sadly this has not improved. I would love to see the orphanage get 20K+, but it did not happen. BTW not all adopted kids live in orphanages. My Korean niece (as do all foster Korean kids) lived with a foster mother and father. Many of the countries that we go to for international adoptions have a cultural stigma on adopting, so no kids will get adopted. If you cannot have a biological kid then you want no kid. This too saddens me, but that is what they believe.

 

[barkley]

And here lies the problem with US adoption. Most babies are kept by the birth mother but a year or two later they know they cannot care for the child and put them in foster care. Nobody wants these kids, so they linger.

yup.

the county i worked for got some funds earmarked to publicize adoption opportunities-so they had 2 posters with identical wording put on them, one with an infant and one with a toddler (both kids were adorable, they used staff member's kids because of client confidentiality). the bulk of the calls we received were generated from the baby poster (we wanted to guage the sucess of the program so we would ask what prompted their call), and most callers indicated they would only consider taking in an infant.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Very nice. Now, give the guy $30,000 to hire people to help him, and even more starfish are saved...

Not that was uncalled for.

 

[BuckNaked]

Not that was uncalled for.

Then I'll ask you the same thing I asked the others that didn't like this comment - why?

The OP is going on about how important it is that she "save" this child. Is there really any question that $30,000 donated could save more than the one child she's trying to adopt?

 

[kdibattista]

Then I'll ask you the same thing I asked the others that didn't like this comment - why?

The OP is going on about how important it is that she "save" this child. Is there really any question that $30,000 donated could save more than the one child she's trying to adopt?

You really are a piece of work aren't you. Would you not spend $30,000 to save your child. I highly doubt the answer is no and if it is, I feel sorry for your child.

 

[BuckNaked]

You really are a piece of work aren't you. Would you not spend $30,000 to save your child. I highly doubt the answer is no and if it is, I feel sorry for your child.

Of course I would, and I've never said that you shouldn't, although as you've already said, this isn't yet your child.

But let's not pretend that this adoption is about saving a child - it's about the fact that you want a child and are willing to pay whatever it takes to get one. There is nothing wrong with that at all, but let's call a spade a spade, and not try to present this as some noble, selfless act in the name of saving a child. As many others have pointed out, if this solely about saving a child, then there are plenty of already born children, both here and abroad, that need to be saved just as much as the unborn one that you're waiting on.

 

[kdibattista]

Of course I would, and I've never said that you shouldn't, although as you've already said, this isn't yet your child.

But let's not pretend that this adoption is about saving a child - it's about the fact that you want a child and are willing to pay whatever it takes to get one. There is nothing wrong with that at all, but let's call a spade a spade, and not try to present this as some noble, selfless act in the name of saving a child. As many others have pointed out, if this solely about saving a child, then there are plenty of already born children, both here and abroad, that need to be saved just as much as the unborn one that you're waiting on.

Now, actually, I really for sorry for you.

 

[BuckNaked]

Now, actually, I really for sorry for you.

No reason to feel sorry for me at all.

I'm not sure where your bitterness is coming from - you asked for opinions, you got them, and now you seem to be upset about it.

 

[kdibattista]

No reason to feel sorry for me at all.

I'm not sure where your bitterness is coming from - you asked for opinions, you got them, and now you seem to be upset about it.

There is no bitterness... I just genuinely, truly feel sorry for you.

 

[BuckNaked]

There is no bitterness... I just genuinely, truly feel sorry for you.

And pray tell, why? Because I think it is tacky to have a fundraiser to help pay for your adoption expenses? Or because I'm pointing out that this isn't solely about helping a child?

What you seem to be missing is that no one has said that you shouldn't be adopting this child, or that there is anything wrong with going for such an expensive adoption. It's your money, your life, your choice, and you should do what is right for you and your family. But to couch in terms of having a fundraiser because this really is all about saving a child, well, sorry, but I'm just not falling for that.

 

[kdibattista]

And pray tell, why? Because I think it is tacky to have a fundraiser to help pay for your adoption expenses? Or because I'm pointing out that this isn't solely about helping a child?

What you seem to be missing is that no one has said that you shouldn't be adopting this child, or that there is anything wrong with going for such an expensive adoption. It's your money, your life, your choice, and you should do what is right for you and your family. But to couch in terms of having a fundraiser because this really is all about saving a child, well, sorry, but I'm just not falling for that.

Because it must really suck to go through life that skeptical and heartless. But, hey, whatever gets you through the day (and I do hope you have a good one today, by the way )

 

[BuckNaked]

Because it must really suck to go through life that skeptical and heartless.

Skeptical and heartless because I'm not falling for the "I'm only doing this to save a helpless child" line?