Would this upset you? WWYD

[Wishing on a star]

No I never said that, actually I said I understood why my mom does it so he can have these experiences. Her paying for him to have these experiences is not the same as charging me and not charging my brother for day care so his wife can keep up some lavish lifestyle.

That is right.... your mother would be better off to discreetly 'give' as she wishes to these grandchildren, without openly creating a direct and blatant discrepancy in the child-care situation.

The OP's mother is VERY wrong to do this.

And, the brother is really the one who should be judged for taking advantage of his mother.

 

[DSNLvR]

That is right...
I mentioned this in a round-a-bout way in one of my first posts....
You are paying your mother, so that she can then afford to give feely to your neices and nephews....

And, while I realize that my one 'scum' remark my sound harsh...
Yes, any adult, who is not in a temporary financial pinch, due to circumstances outside of their own control (layed off, etc....) who would have anyone else provide this kind of child care, for FREE.... yep, 'scum'.

Doesn't bother me, I've called him worse His wife is at fault for the financial messes but he could change the situation if he really wanted to (take her cards away!)

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Do you not want this child to have these life experiences? I know that I happily pay for my niece to do stuff with us. Her mom just can't afford it. Plus I get to have one more little girl around.

But that's not the point. The point is that the parents CAN afford it or, at least they could if they would get their priorities straight.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

But that's not the point. The point is that the parents CAN afford it or, at least they could if they would get their priorities straight.

We all know people who make crappy choices for their kids. You usually can't change that. So then, imho, the choice is to help the kid anyway, or let them flounder and pay for their parent's mistakes.

 

[ols386]

That is right.... your mother would be better off to discreetly 'give' as she wishes to these grandchildren, without openly creating a direct and blatant discrepancy in the child-care situation.

The OP's mother is VERY wrong to do this.

And, the brother is really the one who should be judged for taking advantage of his mother.

I disagree. I don't think the OPs mother is wrong. I think the brother and SIL are the ones who are wrong. Maybe the mother could handle the situation more discretely, but I think she is caught in the middle. I'm sure she loves all of her children and grandchildren and tries to do her best with the situaion at hand.

 

[Tink888]

Would I be upset about the situation? Yes. Would I do anything about it? Probably not.

Sure you can talk to your Mom about it and let her know how it makes you feel if that would make you feel better but you can't force Mom to charge your brother and you can't force her to watch your kids for free. She's going to do what she thinks is best, and honestly, she has every right to do that. She doesn't owe anybody anything.

You can't force your brother to pay your Mom. Ultimately he's going to do what he wants and what he can get away with. Right or wrong.

Life isn't fair. It stinks and this type of thing creates a lot of resentment in families. You can't control the actions of others, only how you react to it. You can find alternate childcare and you can find a way to work through your resentment and that's really about it. And you can always vent on the boards. Venting is good.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Doesn't bother me, I've called him worse His wife is at fault for the financial messes but he could change the situation if he really wanted to (take her cards away!)

Now this I don't agree with - he's just as responsible as his wife. Does he drive a beater car to save money while his wife goes out and buys a Porsche? Does he eat a PB&J sandwich for dinner while wifey eats filet? I could go on but my guess would be a "no" to all of them. See, my uncle tried that - his wife was a spendaholic and he tried to act stupid when the bills came in but he was right there when they took a 10-day Disney trip each and every year; he loves his large flat screen TV; he drives a new Jetta while his wife got a new van (granted, not super flashy but definitely not 5 year old vehicles, either)....

IMHO, your brother needs to get his head out of the sand and take a really good look around. SIL may need counseling to get to the root of why she feels the need to live beyond her means but dear brother needs to saddle up and get a good grip on the reigns before they lose the house and wind up living with good 'ol ma!

 

[DSNLvR]

Now this I don't agree with - he's just as responsible as his wife. Does he drive a beater car to save money while his wife goes out and buys a Porsche? Does he eat a PB&J sandwich for dinner while wifey eats filet? I could go on but my guess would be a "no" to all of them. See, my uncle tried that - his wife was a spendaholic and he tried to act stupid when the bills came in but he was right there when they took a 10-day Disney trip each and every year; he loves his large flat screen TV; he drives a new Jetta while his wife got a new van (granted, not super flashy but definitely not 5 year old vehicles, either)....

IMHO, your brother needs to get his head out of the sand and take a really good look around. SIL may need counseling to get to the root of why she feels the need to live beyond her means but dear brother needs to saddle up and get a good grip on the reigns before they lose the house and wind up living with good 'ol ma!

He is just as responsible for allowing it to happen, but he is not a spender at all. Exact opposites.

 

[Enchanted_Mama]

One time we were without 2 cars and DH had to work so I asked my mom to take me and the girls to a doctors appointment, she asked for gas money I said no problem.

Ok, up til this gem, I was of the mind that it isn't fair, and it would certainly bug me (paying for daycare while bro and SIL get a free ride), but that there wasn't much to say about it. It seems as though she is spending money on your nephews so that they don't do without; your bro and SIL are simply a second set of beneficiaries of this.

But this--charging you gas money to give you a ride to a doctor's appointment? I am floored.

I think that you are within your right to tell your mom how her actions make YOU feel (less loved).

 

[ols386]

Would I be upset about the situation? Yes. Would I do anything about it? Probably not.

Sure you can talk to your Mom about it and let her know how it makes you feel if that would make you feel better but you can't force Mom to charge your brother and you can't force her to watch your kids for free. She's going to do what she thinks is best, and honestly, she has every right to do that. She doesn't owe anybody anything.

You can't force your brother to pay your Mom. Ultimately he's going to do what he wants and what he can get away with. Right or wrong.

Life isn't fair. It stinks and this type of thing creates a lot of resentment in families. You can't control the actions of others, only how you react to it. You can find alternate childcare and you can find a way to work through your resentment and that's really about it. And you can always vent on the boards. Venting is good.

That's a very good post.

 

[DSNLvR]

Ok, up til this gem, I was of the mind that it isn't fair, and it would certainly bug me (paying for daycare while bro and SIL get a free ride), but that there wasn't much to say about it. It seems as though she is spending money on your nephews so that they don't do without; your bro and SIL are simply a second set of beneficiaries of this.

But this--charging you gas money to give you a ride to a doctor's appointment? I am floored.

I think that you are within your right to tell your mom how her actions make YOU feel (less loved).

Thats why I dont know why she doesn't ask DB for money. She has no problem being upfront with me. He is harder to approach but still...it's her son...not some guy. I tell him when he's being a jerk - he still loves me, why can't she?

 

[KirstenB]

Ok, up til this gem, I was of the mind that it isn't fair, and it would certainly bug me (paying for daycare while bro and SIL get a free ride), but that there wasn't much to say about it. It seems as though she is spending money on your nephews so that they don't do without; your bro and SIL are simply a second set of beneficiaries of this.

But this--charging you gas money to give you a ride to a doctor's appointment? I am floored.

I think that you are within your right to tell your mom how her actions make YOU feel (less loved).

I am SO right there with you!! The day I charged a family member for gas, or was charged for gas....OMG!!! OP, I don't know what to say. Your mom has made her priorities clear. I would find a daycare center in a heartbeat!!

 

[C.Ann]

That would be a definite YES.. Both families should be treated equally..

 

[ols386]

Thats why I dont know why she doesn't ask DB for money. She has no problem being upfront with me. He is harder to approach but still...it's her son...not some guy. I tell him when he's being a jerk - he still loves me, why can't she?

Maybe she feels closer to you and feels that she can be upfront with you.

If you say yourself that he is harder to approach, maybe she just plain doesn't want to approach him, for fear of him getting mad/angry with her. Even if she did approach him about the subject, from what you've said, it doesn't sound like he or your SIL are going to change.

Again, sorry for your situation. I hope everything will work out, and that you will not feel hurt.

 

[DisneyMim]

I'm sorry I did not read all the pages, just wanted to say that I'm with you, I would be upset too. I am having somewhat of a similar experience in my own family and I am very upset about it. The bottom line is that IMHO everyone should be treated the same. It's unfair and causes hurt feelings when some people get and others do not.

Good Luck and try not to let it get to you too much. I was having chest pains and my doctor said it was stress.

 

[ols386]

I am SO right there with you!! The day I charged a family member for gas, or was charged for gas....OMG!!! OP, I don't know what to say. Your mom has made her priorities clear. I would find a daycare center in a heartbeat!!

I don't know how much the OP pays her mother for babysitting, but a day care center might be more expensive. I also would imagine that the children are being well-taken care of at the OP's mother's house. And besides, if I had a choice, I'd want my mother to babysit, rather than take them to a day care center.

Not saying there is anything wrong with taking children to day-centers (my kids went to one when they were young), but for me personally, I'd like my mother babsitting. Not sure exactly how the OP feels about that. But I think that would be quite a drastic change to make...going from grandma's house, to staying in a center. Either way, I'm sure the children would be fine...but it would be a big adjustment, not only for the kids, but for the OP.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

That would be a definite YES.. Both families should be treated equally..

Do you treat all of your kids equally all of the time?

ols, I agree with you on this subject. I only have one grown, but during different times of life my kids have gotten more or less time, attention and finances. I don't expect that to stop anytime soon.

In college my parents helped my sister more than me. I could keep my grades while working, she needed more study time. I didn't begrudge her that, nor resent my parents for it.

 

[KirstenB]

I don't know how much the OP pays her mother for babysitting, but a day care center might be more expensive. I also would imagine that the children are being well-taken care of at the OP's mother's house. And besides, if I had a choice, I'd want my mother to babysit, rather than take them to a day care center.

Not saying there is anything wrong with taking children to day-centers (my kids went to one when they were young), but for me personally, I'd like my mother babsitting. Not sure exactly how the OP feels about that. But I think that would be quite a drastic change to make...going from grandma's house, to staying in a center. Either way, I'm sure the children would be find...but it would be a big adjustment.

I hear what you're saying, especially if they're under the age of 3. But at least by age 4, if kindergarten is anything like it is here, the kids need to be in a daycare, or a preschool. Our older dd switched to a daycare center when she was 3 1/2 and I was shocked at the curriculum. Writing numbers, letters, etc. Using a computer. It seemed crazy till dd got to kindergarten, then I was very grateful!!

Anyway, I'm getting off track. I really do mean it that if my mom charged me for gas (and didn't need the money), she was making her priorities clear. OP, I know you love your mom. But this charging for freaking gasoline has got me wondering....

 

[DSNLvR]

I hear what you're saying, especially if they're under the age of 3. But at least by age 4, if kindergarten is anything like it is here, the kids need to be in a daycare, or a preschool. Our older dd switched to a daycare center when she was 3 1/2 and I was shocked at the curriculum. Writing numbers, letters, etc. Using a computer. It seemed crazy till dd got to kindergarten, then I was very grateful!!

Anyway, I'm getting off track. I really do mean it that if my mom charged me for gas (and didn't need the money), she was making her priorities clear. OP, I know you love your mom. But this charging for freaking gasoline has got me wondering....

I do love her and the kids love being at her house, dont know that I would be willing to give that up to prove a point.

She asks me maybe because she knows I will pay and I understand wanting to be paid, I dont expect a free ride either. I just dont get why give them the luxury of not paying when she knows where the money goes in that house.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I hear what you're saying, especially if they're under the age of 3. But at least by age 4, if kindergarten is anything like it is here, the kids need to be in a daycare, or a preschool. Our older dd switched to a daycare center when she was 3 1/2 and I was shocked at the curriculum. Writing numbers, letters, etc. Using a computer. It seemed crazy till dd got to kindergarten, then I was very grateful!!

Anyway, I'm getting off track. I really do mean it that if my mom charged me for gas (and didn't need the money), she was making her priorities clear. OP, I know you love your mom. But this charging for freaking gasoline has got me wondering....

I beg to differ. No child needs to be in daycare or preschool. There is nothing that can be taught at school that can not be learned at home.