Would this upset you? WWYD

[DSNLvR]

Do you treat all of your kids equally all of the time?

ols, I agree with you on this subject. I only have one grown, but during different times of life my kids have gotten more or less time, attention and finances. I don't expect that to stop anytime soon.

In college my parents helped my sister more than me. I could keep my grades while working, she needed more study time. I didn't begrudge her that, nor resent my parents for it.

I know at certain times in everyone's life they need their parents more. Even at my kids ages this happens. But this is consistent and on going and completely different. They dont need to not pay, they dont want to, so they dont!

 

[ols386]

I hear what you're saying, especially if they're under the age of 3. But at least by age 4, if kindergarten is anything like it is here, the kids need to be in a daycare, or a preschool. Our older dd switched to a daycare center when she was 3 1/2 and I was shocked at the curriculum. Writing numbers, letters, etc. Using a computer. It seemed crazy till dd got to kindergarten, then I was very grateful!!

Anyway, I'm getting off track. I really do mean it that if my mom charged me for gas (and didn't need the money), she was making her priorities clear. OP, I know you love your mom. But this charging for freaking gasoline has got me wondering....

I hear ya

I think these are just things the op might want to think about and decide in her own mind what she wants to do, and what is best for both she and her children.

Yep, both of my kids attended day-care from the time they were 2....didn't hurt them a bit, actually think it was good for them. But I sure wouldn't have minded my mom babysitting for them for awhile, either.

 

[KirstenB]

I do love her and the kids love being at her house, dont know that I would be willing to give that up to prove a point.

She asks me maybe because she knows I will pay and I understand wanting to be paid, I dont expect a free ride either. I just dont get why give them the luxury of not paying when she knows where the money goes in that house.

I think you have your answer here then. Yes it would make me mad. But if it's worth more to you than not, I guess you suck it up and move on.

 

[KirstenB]

I beg to differ. No child needs to be in daycare or preschool. There is nothing that can be taught at school that can not be learned at home.

Different kids, different learning styles. My dd would still rather die (she's a middle schooler now) than ask me for help. Sometimes it helps to have a teacher explain a lesson.

 

[ols386]

I know at certain times in everyone's life they need their parents more. Even at my kids ages this happens. But this is consistent and on going and completely different. They dont need to not pay, they dont want to, so they dont!

And again, like another poster said, your brother and SIL aren't going to change.....or at least it doesn't sound like it.

In the meantime, you are the one who is feeling the stress, because of their behavior, which you can't change.

Anyway, I have to drop out of the conversation now. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

edited because it sounded snooty.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

The gas money, to get to something as pressing/important as a doctor's appointment.... THIS HAS ME FLOORED TOO.

I am beginning to think that your mother is indeed, knowingly, slighting you. This isn't "Well, sometimes things are not always equal"...
I do understand that things are not always exactly fair or equal.

But, clearly, she is 'taking' from you, to 'give' to your brother.

She needed YOU to fill up her tank, so she could give your brother a free ride.

I think I stand by my original advice...
Make your excuses as to why you can't pay her for the next few weeks. "You thought she wouldn't mind helping you out, since she is so happy to help brother and SIL, yada, yada, yada....."
If she presses for money from you without pressing your brother to contribute to child care.... I think the writing is on the wall.

While one can not keep a checklist or accounting to make sure that everything is equal.... Your mother has set up a situation here, where YOUR babysitting money/gas money/etc. is enabling her to enable your SIL and your brother to 'take'.

That is something I would not be comfortable with.

 

[zippitydoo]

I would be hurt. To me it shows favoriteism. It is like the only way she would watch the kids if you pay her to. But she watches siblings kids freely. To me it is not right at all.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I will avoid this whole, off topic, thead derailing debate, except to say that NOBODY has a right to tell anybody else what their child needs.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

OP, before you go the way of the PP please talk with your mom. I can't believe someone would say a stranger's mom is intentionally hurting her!!!

I believe that a mom does what she has to for her grandkids. I've already said that I would not use my grandchildren to teach a "lesson" to bad parents. Your mom may be feeling the same.

I hope you are able to get past this, and appreciate what you have without feeling bitterness towards others. It never helps to be bitter. And I always feel better when I let that go.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am sorry if I sounded harsh.
And, I do agree that the OP needs to talk to her mom.

This kind of 'slighting' is never seen as 'intentional' by the person who is doing it. But, one has to admit that this situation sounds pretty black and white. One has to almost intentionally close their eyes and look the other way to miss it.

However, making sure that the OP 'ponies up' really has nothing to do with a well intentioned mother helping her grandkids.

If she wants to help out her grandkids, she should do it without taking cash from the OP, playing Robin Hood.

 

[OceanAnnie]

OP, before you go the way of the PP please talk with your mom. I can't believe someone would say a stranger's mom is intentionally hurting her!!!

I believe that a mom does what she has to for her grandkids. I've already said that I would not use my grandchildren to teach a "lesson" to bad parents. Your mom may be feeling the same.

I hope you are able to get past this, and appreciate what you have without feeling bitterness towards others. It never helps to be bitter. And I always feel better when I let that go.

To me it would be hard to let it go when it is ongoing and hurtful. I would want to know why. That is just me. Gas money to go to the doctor's office seems over the top to me.

It's great if it wouldn't bother others. I wouldn't knock them. But for those that would be bothered, they have a right to their feelings too. It's all in how you handle it, OP.

As I stated before, I don't know what I would do about it. But I don't think *I* could let that continue. I'd have to have a calm discussion about it and get to the bottom of it. That's the first thing. Anything else would be an outcome of the discussion.

I wish you the best with the situation, OP.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, it's hard to not feel any bitterness when one is handing over the cash every week.

Could I live with a little favoritism. Yes!
Could I hand over the cash every week to enable favoritism without feeling some bitterness - not so sure.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

You are right. Everyone feels what they feel. But holding onto grudges never helps. It only causes damage to the person.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A grudge, and bitterness, are holding on to negative feelings from the past...

This is ongoing, TODAY.

 

[OceanAnnie]

You are right. Everyone feels what they feel. But holding onto grudges never helps. It only causes damage to the person.

But it isn't a grudge if it's ongoing, at least to me anyway.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

But it isn't a grudge if it's ongoing, at least to me anyway.

All right, substitute jealousy? Or even perseverating about how unfair it is. Explain how those feelings benefit the OP, her children, her husband? Same point.

 

[OceanAnnie]

All right, substitute jealousy? Or even perseverating about how unfair it is. Explain how those feelings benefit the OP, her children, her husband? Same point.

Well, I don't see the point in placing negativity on the person's feelings. It is a direct result of something negative that is being done. Jealousy wouldn't fit to me. Feelings of being disrespected would. I would feel disrespected if money was that big of an issue with my own mother. The OP's mother asking her for money for every little thing would be like being treated like a stranger or an acquaintance maybe. I wouldn't even ask for money for an acquaintance for taking them to the doctor. Gas money for a doctor's appointment?

YMMV.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

All right, substitute jealousy? Or even perseverating about how unfair it is. Explain how those feelings benefit the OP, her children, her husband? Same point.

Perseverating about how unfair something is is exactly the thing that gives people the gumption to do something about it and effect change. Change is good!

Be it simply expressing her opinion to her mom, choosing alternate care for her children, renegotiating payment amount, or choosing to let it go and keep on keepin' on - none of those options are possible without the OP first exploring her feelings and chewing on the bone of malcontent for a while.

Now, yes, if the OP does nothing but let this fester for years and years, then no, that's not healthy. But we're not talking about years and years - she's just giving voice to her feelings.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I disagree. She is worried about something that isn't her problem. How and what someone elses pays is between them. So fussing about it is contrary to positive mental health. Chewing on the bone of malcontent does not make for rational decision making.

What right does the OP have to challenge the parent on this? If she does she will sound petty, and like she is trying to get out of paying for child care for HER children. No one deserves free childcare. If she complains about the nephew getting things paid for, she sounds like she doesn't care about the nephew. Neither the OP nor the parent is going to change the SiL. This is a no win situation. The OP will only sound petty. If it were my kid, I'd tell them it wasn't their business.

Therefore, you can only change yourself, your actions, and your heart in a situation. If she chooses to wallow in this, it will benefit no one.