Would this upset you? WWYD

[Scurvy]

Would it bother me? Yes.
Would I "do" anything about it?
It depends on how much of an issue I wanted to cause within my family.

Part of me says if I am going to be paying for childcare, then I'll pay a stranger, because of the unfairness of my Mom being willing to take money from me but not my brother.

The other part of me would feel better having Grandma watching my kids.

FTR, it seems like every family has this "unfairness", where one person gets babied because they manage their life poorly and the others sort of get "screwed" because they manage their lives well. It's like if you do the right thing, you get punished by not being 'given" as much.

My thoughts exactly.

I don't know that I would end up saying anything about it, but it certainly wouldn't help my relationship with my brother and sister-in-law. I would really resent the situation.

 

[Liberty Belle]

This is because SIL spends all their money on purses and shoes. I am not exaggerating, she hides her purchases throughout the home. So while we can afford to pay my mom things are tight at our house too but my SIL walks around like she just stepped out of a magazine with designer clothes and handbags. She is always going to the spa, hair appointments, nail appointments etc. Part of me is jealous because I sure would love to be able to do that but never at the expense of my mother.

I know I wont say anything because it is not my business but I am still upset about it.

Then, yes, that would bother me a lot. I still wouldn't say anything, though. Well, I take that back, I most likely would let a few "I wish I could go to a salon" or "Wow, I need a new pair of shoes, but they're just so expensive" type comments when SIL was within earshot. Not that I'd advise that passive aggressiveness, but I'd probably succomb to it.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

OP - my parents treat my brother the exact same way. They do all kinds of financial things for him and his family that they would NEVER do for us. Example - my dad gave my brother a Toyota truck that was only a few years old.

My parents never give us anything - much less anything worth 20K. They see DH and I as "responsible" and DB as unable to care for his family without their help.

SIL's parents help support DB and SIL too.

Ironically DB and SIL live in a nicer house than any of the rest of us. SIL also does not work (never has actually - her whole adult life). They have a pretty cushy life on other people's dime.

Yes, it bothers me....very much actually. However, I don't do anything about it. It's my parents business what they do with their money. It has affected my relationship with my DB though - we don't really speak.

 

[luvmy3]

Sadly luvmy3, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd never hear the end of how irresponsible we were.

Sorry, I can totally relate

 

[momof1princess]

if my mother insisted on being paid for watching my kids, but wouldn't take money from my brother for watching his kids as well, i would certainly bring it up. it's completely unfair. if one pays, both should pay, or no one should pay. if grandma refused to rectify the situation, i'd be finding new daycare for my kids. does that make me a bad person? maybe, but i refuse to be walked on. OP, it is NOT your fault your brother and SIL can't manage their money, and if you can find the money to pay grandma, they can find it as well.

 

[Missy1961]

myob....nope.....their arrangements are their arrangements, your personal opinion has nothing to do with their business agreement.

mte.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would be "making my excuses" (just like your SIL) about how I simply could not afford to pay her, and since she is nice enough to help your brother and SIL out....... blah, blah, blah...

Put it back in her court.
If she is unsympathetic enough to take money from you to help care for and feed other children, and if she presses for payment, then yes, that would be enough to bother me.

I am sorry, but blatantly unfair treatment between siblings and grandchildren is enough to be an issue for me.

I also agree that this would affect my relationship with my brother to see him 'take' my mother...

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: prepare yourself for when your mother gets more elderly and this issue moves into her possessions and financial assets.

If your brother and SIL are users and takers now.... This will only be compounded 100% later. (just refer to some other recent threads)

 

[HM]

I'd be upset...you betcha.

The thing is, I would really resent it and it would fester and I'd have to do something. Since your mother refuses to ask your brother to pay, you are stuck. So, I'd start looking around for daycare elsewhere. It would make me feel better to be out of the situation.

I think it might even be good for your kids to have someone other than a relative care for them. Especially one who doesn't seem to treat her children fairly. How do you know she isn't being preferential to one of her grandkids over the others as she clearly is to her own children?

Let grandma go back to just being Grandma to the kids and not their caregiver.

Good luck with this.

 

[allison443]

if my mother insisted on being paid for watching my kids, but wouldn't take money from my brother for watching his kids as well, i would certainly bring it up. it's completely unfair. if one pays, both should pay, or no one should pay. if grandma refused to rectify the situation, i'd be finding new daycare for my kids. does that make me a bad person? maybe, but i refuse to be walked on. OP, it is NOT your fault your brother and SIL can't manage their money, and if you can find the money to pay grandma, they can find it as well.

I wonder, though, is OP is paying her mother the same amount she would pay a daycare or unrelated babysitter. If not, isn't she kind of "walking on" her mom? Of course to a lesser extent than the freeloading brother.

 

[snykymom]

Sadly luvmy3, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd never hear the end of how irresponsible we were.

Sounds like there's a heck of a lot more going on here than the unfairness of the babysitting arrangements. Sounds like a whole lot of sibling rivalry and unresolved issues of "Mom always liked him best!"

Talk to a therapist before you talk to Mom.

 

[DSNLvR]

I wonder, though, is OP is paying her mother the same amount she would pay a daycare or unrelated babysitter. If not, isn't she kind of "walking on" her mom? Of course to a lesser extent than the freeloading brother.

Yes it is less, but still a decent amount of money. She is the one that came up with how much she wanted, not me.

 

[tazdev3225]

I am a grandmother in a similar situation. I watch my DD's children 4 days a week and take her back and forth to work. The 5th day I take DGD to school because I go to school one day a week in the same area. I also take her to dance once a week. For all of this I get a whopping $20 a week for gas. My DS got angry with me because he wanted me to watch his DS on my only days off. He and his wife were mad at me but I have done a lot of other things for him regarding his older DS when he was born because DS was very young. This included paying legal bills that totaled a lot of money for his custody and support hearings. My youngest DD feels guilty asking me to watch her DS at all because of what I do. I don't want money from any of them because I know that they are all struggling. I do help the others as much as I can. It is a very difficult situation because I do have some health issues but I love it. The greatest pay in the world for me is seeing my 11 month old DGD get the biggest smile in the world when she sees me. OP I am sure your mom knows what is going on but sometimes it is really hard as a mom no matter what the situation.

 

[DSNLvR]

Sounds like there's a heck of a lot more going on here than the unfairness of the babysitting arrangements. Sounds like a whole lot of sibling rivalry and unresolved issues of "Mom always liked him best!"

Talk to a therapist before you talk to Mom.

Ha what are we on page 3 and the OP gets it. Shocking on these boards I'll tell ya. I started this thread asking if others would be upset - 10 posts later led you to the conclusion that I need therapy?

 

[momof1princess]

I wonder, though, is OP is paying her mother the same amount she would pay a daycare or unrelated babysitter. If not, isn't she kind of "walking on" her mom? Of course to a lesser extent than the freeloading brother.

it is quite possible OP is paying less than the going rate for daycare; however, it is my understanding she and grandma agreed on the amount, and if it is doable for the OP, it should be doable for DB and DSIL, who make more money.

 

[DSNLvR]

I am a grandmother in a similar situation. I watch my DD's children 4 days a week and take her back and forth to work. The 5th day I take DGD to school because I go to school one day a week in the same area. I also take her to dance once a week. For all of this I get a whopping $20 a week for gas. My DS got angry with me because he wanted me to watch his DS on my only days off. He and his wife were mad at me but I have done a lot of other things for him regarding his older DS when he was born because DS was very young. This included paying legal bills that totaled a lot of money for his custody and support hearings. My youngest DD feels guilty asking me to watch her DS at all because of what I do. I don't want money from any of them because I know that they are all struggling. I do help the others as much as I can. It is a very difficult situation because I do have some health issues but I love it. The greatest pay in the world for me is seeing my 11 month old DGD get the biggest smile in the world when she sees me. OP I am sure your mom knows what is going on but sometimes it is really hard as a mom no matter what the situation.

Aww TazDev you are good to your kids! Wow.

 

[Scurvy]

Ha what are we on page 2 and the OP gets it. Shocking on these boards I'll tell ya. I started this thread asking if others would be upset - 10 posts later led you to the conclusion that I need therapy?

OP, you don't need therapy! It's completely normal to be bothered when your parent is showing such blatant favoritism to a sibling. I think most people would be annoyed if they were in your shoes.

 

[tazdev3225]

Aww TazDev you are good to your kids! Wow.

Thanks. I don't work anyway and I am able to have an amazing relationship with my grandkids. That is better than any money they could give me. I just feel that my daughter should contribute a little to my gas tank because of the driving.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

You really are in a bind....
You have three possible options...

1. Continue to pay your mother, and let this all fester and burn...

2. Make your excuses to your mother, and 'seeing that she is happy to help your brother and sister in law out, blah, blah, blah....'.

3. Find other child care

The problem with finding other child care... While it kind of removes you from the immediate situation, it would very much exacerbate the whole issue.... Your mother, Brother, SIL, and their kids, will be like the happy little clique, with your mother being just so much closer to them and showing even more and more favoritism... and you will be the 'outsider' (very painful and hurtful.....)

My first approach would be to call my mothers bluff, with the approach I must mentioned.....

Then, it is her call.... If her decision is to actually continue to demand payment from you and not your brother, you will have to decide how you want to react... Either you can continue with the festering and resentment, or you can decide that you just cannot accept this treatment, and pull away, find other child care, etc...

You can't 'force' your brother and SIL to pay...
You can't 'force' your mother to demand that they pay...

Remember the old adage: You can't control anyone else's behaviors or attitudes... only your reaction to them.

I can say, once again, what I have posted several other times here on the DIS.... Grandma providing professional/business childcare for a working parent is a two edged sword.... In many cases, it is not the perfect little situation that many think it is all cracked up to be.

 

[DSNLvR]

OP, you don't need therapy! It's completely normal to be bothered when your parent is showing such blatant favoritism to a sibling. I think most people would be annoyed if they were in your shoes.