Would this upset you? WWYD

[Ride Junkie]

I would be upset in that situation too. It sucks when the irresponsible child is the one who gets everything handed to them. Way to go, reward their bad behavior! The bad thing is, when the parent is gone, those kids they enabled just fail. I've seen it happen, it's pretty sad actually.

But every family has one, and there isn't much you can do but accept what is & try to be happy in your situation. Just be thankful you have a trusted family member to watch your kids.

 

[tasha99]

I only had time to read the first page (on my lunch break), but this for me falls into the category of something that might bug me a little, but I would try to squash that. I try not to let other people "getting over" bother me. What's the solution? That your SIL pays too? How does that help you? It might help your mother, but it makes it worse for your SIL (or maybe better if it makes her live more responsibly, but still.) SIL has it better than you. Oh well; try not to let it make you jealous.

So in your shoes, I'd just let it go and not worry about it.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I would be furious but try and let it go. It's not going to change no matter how upset you get so letting it get to you probably isn't worth it.

There is extreme unfairness between the siblings in dh's side. He is the one with his "stuff together" so he gets next to nothing while his siblings get all the money and help. Their kids get so much more (all their school clothes paid for, lots of other things ) and our's get something once in awhile. I had to let it go because it just upset me so much. I wouldn't care if dh and I got nothing but to see it be unequal to the grandkids pisses me off. (thankfully the kids don't know about it.)

 

[ols386]

The situation would bother me, but I think I'd probably not say anything about it, to keep peace in the family.

Only thing, if this is on-going, then over time, I might get even more frustrated. It's not necessarily a good thing to keep things bottled up inside....they might eventually just explode and come out all at once, in a not so nice way.

But I wouldn't appreciate the fact that your SIL blows all her money, and then they cannot pay your mother for baby-sitting. I would think it might bother your mother also, that you pay her, and your brother and SIL dont, even though she may never say anything about it.

 

[DSNLvR]

It would upset me too; but OP, you know what? You can't change your mom. She is doing what she thinks is right. I know its not fair, and you know its not fair; but maybe she doesn't see it that way. Maybe she thinks she is making things more even between the grandkids.

Like the book fair money. You give your kids money for the book fair, and your nephew doesn't get any money for it. She didn't see it as being unfair to your kids, she saw it as making him equal to your kids. Make sense?

You cannot change what she feels is right and will only make yourself miserable thinking on whether it is fair or not. Let it go and be happy that your kids have a relationship with your mom and that you have good reliable child care.

I see what you are saying and I believe this as well. All of the trips and experiences we do with our kids, my mom pays for my nephew to do with us because DB and DSIL never seem to have the money to do it. She see's my nephew watching my kids doing things and wants him to have the same experiences regardless of what his parents decide to do with their money. I get that and undertand it.

I am making myself miserable thinking about it all.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am making myself miserable thinking about it all.

Does your mom not realize how this is making you feel???
Does she not realizes how this is upsetting and hurtful to your feelings that she can not even try to be equitable.

This is not about her 'helping' her grandchildren...
This is about the inequities.

Have you ever began to express to her how this makes you feel.

Both that you are always slighted, and that you hate to see her taken advantage of by your brother and sil.


PS: your brother is another story... He and his wife are nothing less than scum for taking advantage of your mom like that. (This is where I might consider having a conversation letting your brother, telling him that you know that he is taking advantage of your mother, and you hate to see it happening, and how it really makes it hard for you to have any respect for him.)

Like I had posted before... You will see the rest of the 'iceberg' when your mom gets a little older and her possessions and financial assets become involved. So, be prepared.

 

[Scurvy]

I see what you are saying and I believe this as well. All of the trips and experiences we do with our kids, my mom pays for my nephew to do with us because DB and DSIL never seem to have the money to do it. She see's my nephew watching my kids doing things and wants him to have the same experiences regardless of what his parents decide to do with their money. I get that and undertand it.

I am making myself miserable thinking about it all.

OP, I'm not in your exact position but my sister-in-law is the needy one in my husband's family. I know it does bother him that his parents seem to favor her so much. It bothers me, too. I think that for me, it would make it better if his parents would just talk to him about it, and acknowledge that it's unfair that they help her so much more. It isn't that I think they should let her end up homeless, but I wish they'd at least admit that they do far more for her than for my husband. My sister-in-law and her husband also fritter their money away (just bought a motorcycle and new dog) and then need "help" to pay their bills. My inlaws never consider the fact that maybe some of their financial problems are their own fault. If they would just tell my husband that they know it isn't really fair, but that they are doing it for the sake of their grandchild, I think it would help us feel less resentful. Instead they act like it's perfectly fair which drives me crazy. Sometimes a little acknowledgment goes an long way. Maybe at some point you could talk to your parents and they would be able to explain their position in a way that would make you feel better.

 

[AlleyKat]

That isn't fair at all, and if it were me I would be discussing it with my mother.

If she makes you pay, she should make them pay as well. Or don't take payment from you. That just isn't right.

Exactly!

 

[ols386]

Does your mom not realize how this is making you feel???
Does she not realizes how this is upsetting and hurtful to your feelings that she can not even try to be equitable.

This is not about her 'helping' her grandchildren...
This is about the inequities.

Have you ever began to express to her how this makes you feel.

Both that you are always slighted, and that you hate to see her taken advantage of by your brother and sil.


PS: your brother is another story... He and his wife are nothing less than scum for taking advantage of your mom like that. (This is where I might consider having a conversation letting your brother that you know that he is taking advantage of your mother, and you hate to see it happening, and how it really makes it hard for you to have any respect for him.)

Like I had posted before... You will see the rest of the 'iceberg' when your mom gets a little older and her possessions and financial assets become involved. So, be prepared.

I think calling the brother and SIL scum, is a bit over the top, since you don't even know them.

Not saying that I think the situation is fair, because it isn't. And, it kind of sounds like the biggest problem is the SIL and her spending habits, not so much the brother. Not that he couldn't speak-up and address his wife about the situation, but still, seems like she is the main problem.

 

[jen0610]

I see what you are saying and I believe this as well. All of the trips and experiences we do with our kids, my mom pays for my nephew to do with us because DB and DSIL never seem to have the money to do it. She see's my nephew watching my kids doing things and wants him to have the same experiences regardless of what his parents decide to do with their money. I get that and undertand it.

I am making myself miserable thinking about it all.

So you pay your mom to watch your kids. Then because it isn't fair that the nephew has to see your kids get to do things, buy things, and go places, she in turn uses the money you are paying her to let the nephew have the same experiences that your kids do. So, really you actually end up paying for your nephew to have life experiences.

Maybe your mom needs to apply the same thought process and Bro and SIL need to pay for babysitting and forgo the extras. Why isn't it unfair to you to watch your Bro and SIL get a free ride while you get to deal with life experiences, like living on a budget that includes paying for a baby sitter before you go to the spa or nail salon or buy that new pair of shoes.

 

[DSNLvR]

Does your mom not realize how this is making you feel???
Does she not realizes how this is upsetting and hurtful to your feelings that she can not even try to be equitable.

This is not about her 'helping' her grandchildren...
This is about the inequities.

Have you ever began to express to her how this makes you feel.

Both that you are always slighted, and that you hate to see her taken advantage of by your brother and sil.


PS: your brother is another story... He and his wife are nothing less than scum for taking advantage of your mom like that. (This is where I might consider having a conversation letting your brother, telling him that you know that he is taking advantage of your mother, and you hate to see it happening, and how it really makes it hard for you to have any respect for him.)

Like I had posted before... You will see the rest of the 'iceberg' when your mom gets a little older and her possessions and financial assets become involved. So, be prepared.

Well she knows how I feel about them taking advantage of her and her enabling it and I've thrown my comments out there like "Well geez ma, maybe they dont buy the kids winter coats because they know if they wait long enough - you'll do it for them." The list is long when it comes to my mom providing basic things for my nephews because his wife has a major spending problem.

That has been going on since the boys were born, the full time day care has been about a year and a half now.

I have not expressed to her how it makes me feel as far as the day care goes. I'm not sure what I am afraid of by expressing it though.

My DH wants me to say something. One time we were without 2 cars and DH had to work so I asked my mom to take me and the girls to a doctors appointment, she asked for gas money I said no problem. DH couldn't believe it and pointed out to me how she picks up Db's kids and drops them off 5 days a week and they live much further away. I know he's right it is unfair.

 

[DSNLvR]

I think calling the brother and SIL scum, is a bit over the top, since you don't even know them.

Not saying that I think the situation is fair, because it isn't. And, it kind of sounds like the biggest problem is the SIL and her spending habits, not so much the brother. Not that he couldn't speak-up and address his wife about the situation, but still, seems like she is the main problem.

He should be saying something that is for sure, but he usually finds out the bills aren't being paid when the repo man shows up to take their cars (this has happened more than once in the past year!)

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

As a parent, you have to deal with each situation in an indivdual way. What I do for my kids is different. One might need one thing, and another might need something totally different. Your mom may feel that she is the the best bet for those grandkids, and that she is willing to sacrifice for the sake of them. That doesn't mean she can afford to sacrifice for everyone. Are you just not wanting to pay?

If you made an arrangement, you need to let this go. It doesn't have anything to do with you. It is their issue. Letting go of this will help you. You say it is making you unhappy. It is like the serenity prayer. Let go of what you can't change and change what you can (your attitude).

 

[DSNLvR]

So you pay your money to watch your kids. Then because it isn't fair that the nephew has to see your kids get to do things, buy things, and go places, she in turn uses the money you are paying her to let the nephew have the same experiences that your kids do. So, really you actually end up paying for your nephew to have life experiences.

Maybe your mom needs to apply the same thought process and Bro and SIL need to pay for babysitting and forgo the extras. Why isn't it unfair to you to watch your Bro and SIL get a free ride while you get to deal with life experiences, like living on a budget that includes paying for a baby sitter before you go to the spa or nail salon or buy that new pair of shoes.

I never thought about it that way before.....wow. You are right! Holy cow...

 

[Magic Mom]

What she is doing isn't fair at all, and I would probably talk to her about it. But think about what you want the outcome to be. Do you want her to charge them or do you want her to stop charging you? She probably won't start charging them, so the next option is for you to get free child care too. Do you feel comfortable with that? Would it be fair to ask her to do that? Is it worth it to you to make an issue of this. I think you have to weigh the benefits of having a grandparent babysit against the benefit of being right. Which is more important to you?

 

[ols386]

He should be saying something that is for sure, but he usually finds out the bills aren't being paid when the repo man shows up to take their cars (this has happened more than once in the past year!)

I sympathize with your situation. And I have to admit, it would bother me, but at the same time, life isn't always fair.

I do stuff for my grown children at times, and I try to be as fair as possible, and in the end, it probably evens out.....but I'm sure there may be times when one or the other of them thinks I'm doing more for the other. But like I said, I try to be as fair as possible.

I do send you the best wishes concerning the situaiton you are in.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I never thought about it that way before.....wow. You are right! Holy cow...

Do you not want this child to have these life experiences? I know that I happily pay for my niece to do stuff with us. Her mom just can't afford it. Plus I get to have one more little girl around.

 

[DSNLvR]

As a parent, you have to deal with each situation in an indivdual way. What I do for my kids is different. One might need one thing, and another might need something totally different. Your mom may feel that she is the the best bet for those grandkids, and that she is willing to sacrifice for the sake of them. That doesn't mean she can afford to sacrifice for everyone. Are you just not wanting to pay?

If you made an arrangement, you need to let this go. It doesn't have anything to do with you. It is their issue. Letting go of this will help you. You say it is making you unhappy. It is like the serenity prayer. Let go of what you can and change what you can (your attitude).

It's not that I dont want to pay and feel much better knowing I do pay, but maybe a little understanding on her end. She does NOT need the money - it was never about the need for income for her. So part of me feels like she's okay with things being tight in my house, but not my brothers.

 

[DSNLvR]

Do you not want this child to have these life experiences? I know that I happily pay for my niece to do stuff with us. Her mom just can't afford it. Plus I get to have one more little girl around.

No I never said that, actually I said I understood why my mom does it so he can have these experiences. Her paying for him to have these experiences is not the same as charging me and not charging my brother for day care so his wife can keep up some lavish lifestyle.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I never thought about it that way before.....wow. You are right! Holy cow...

That is right...
I mentioned this in a round-a-bout way in one of my first posts....
You are paying your mother, so that she can then afford to give feely to your neices and nephews....

And, while I realize that my one 'scum' remark might sound harsh...
Yes, any adult, who is not in a temporary financial pinch, due to circumstances outside of their own control (layed off, etc....) who would have anyone else provide this kind of child care, for FREE.... yep, 'scum'.