Worried about DD friend problems

[Liz]

I'm worried for my DD. She has a hard time making and keeping friends. She is 13 but I suppose a bit immature for her age. Most other girls her age are interested in make up and boys and she's not. She does like clothes & shoes like the other girls. But she's really shy so has a hard time making friends. When she gets a friend it seems to work really well for several months and then the girls start acting like they are too grown up for her and quit calling & coming around.

Laura has had a lot of medical problems and takes a ton of pills so that makes her "different" too. She's never rude or mean so she's not driving away friends that way. She gets along real well with my best friend's daughter, who is 10, but just seems to have a harder time with her own age group. I don't know what to do. She doesn't seem unhappy, and I try to make up for it by spending time with her but I know I can't be a substitute for a good friend.

I've asked my DS(14) if he knows what the other girls are thinking and how I might help Laura. He says she just needs to be more outgoing, but I don't think her whole personality can be changed. I've always been shy but always had a few close friends growing up.

Anyway, thanks for listening and letting me talk it out.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I think things will work out for your daughter sooner or later. Thirteen is such a tough age for girls.

In the meantime, I would try to keep her entertained and let her know that no matter what, she is loved and wanted by her family.

 

[supercarrie]

I remember being 13, and it was a really hard age. Girls were so mean to each other when I was in middle school, but by high school things were better.

Is your DD in any activities outside of school? Sports or a club or organization of some type, like the Girl Scouts? I remember thinking that the Girl Scouts were "dorky" when I was 13 (I quit when I was 9) but the girls that were in it always had friends. If she isn't, maybe asking her if she wants to get involved in something like that would help her to make friends her own age.

 

[nsyncraider17]

Tell her to get involved in things at school, like sports, band, or student government. I've made so many friends through band, and most of them are people I wouldn't have met if I weren't in band.

Also, things will probably get better once she's in high school. There aren't as many cliques, and there are more extra-curricular things to get involved in.

 

[Mermaid02]

My dd is almost 13 and boy do I know what you are talking about! She has 2 really good friends.... one sounds a lot like your dd..... not interested in boys or make up and she has had kidney problems since birth and takes a lot of medication too- the other girl is on a CRUSADE to be popular she is such a follower! I prefer Megan to be with the first girl- but I can't pick her friends for her (boy do I wish I could). Anyway- the suggestions about extra curricular activities are good ones.... what is she interested in?

 

[caitycaity]

i remember from about 12-15 being an extremely hard couple of years for me too. i was not very outgoing, on top of the fact that my parents moved so i had to change schools. when i got to high school i found my niche.

it is a really hard age, though. i remember crying a lot around then. PD to your daughter.

 

[newmousecateer]

Hi sweetie.

It will work out. I was also very shy at that age (I can still be very shy)

She will definately find that one special friend who will not let her down after a couple of months.

It sounds like you got some very good advice from others, so I'm just sending {{{HUGS}}} to you and {{{HUGS}}} to DD.

Marilyn

 

[BrerMom]

Most other girls her age are interested in make up and boys and she's not.

That's a positive!

As long as she's social, I wouldn't worry that it's with someone younger. Some kids just prefer to have a very few close friends and don't develop those friendships until much older.

Like others have said, encourage her to choose a group and stay involved. It can be a club, church group, sports team, whatever, just so that she has a place to "belong" with kids her own age.

 

[NHAnn]

A couple of things jumped out at me in your post. One was "When she gets a friend it seems to work really well for several months...." and "She doesn't seem unhappy, and I try to make up for it ....".
I'm thinking that some of the other posts may be right in saying that this will probably work itself out in the next few years. Girls are notoriously fickle and can be downright mean at that age, so if she is spending a ton of time with one new person for several weeks, that friend may feel the need to distance themselves, particularly if they don't ALWAYS want to be doing the same activities or have the same level of interest in certain things as your daughter. If SHE's not unhappy, and you know her best, I wouldn't worry about her level of maturity compared to the her classmates.....she'll mature all too soon anyway . I think it IS important to encourage her to be active in things that do interest her...clubs, sports, extracurricular interests, whatever - and she will develop friendships with the kids her age at her own pace and be a well-rounded individual, appreciated by other well-rounded girls as time goes on!

 

[Patio]

I was very shy when I was 13. I didn't like make-up yet, but I did love sports, so when my school started a basketball team, I joined. It was a great way to make friends and also get exercise and have fun. I had a best friend who was very different from me, but we got along great ( still best friends- 34 yrs ). I have a 13 yr old dd now who has lots of friends, seems like different ones every week, but I realize she's not me. She's more outgoing than I ever was and can juggle many friends at once. I couldn't. If your dd is happy, leave her go. She'll be fine. Good luck to you!!

 

[Liz]

Thank you for your replies.

Laura isn't athletic or interested in sports at all. DS is in band and I've tried several times to get her interested in that but she isn't. Actually after seeing all his practices, marching in the heat, I don't think she could do it anyway. She is starting piano lessons in Sept. though.

She is active in our young womens group at church and feels welcome there. The girl who was her latest "friend" is part of that group, but she told her today she'd be busy till at least next weekend (not this one coming up).

This girl from the church group, when they became friends (she moved here last summer) they were together practically every day and night. I was so happy she had found a special friend, but worried that this intensity couldn't possibly keep up. But it seemed to be very mutual, not all on Laura's part. I'm hoping after some separation maybe this other girl will want to spend time with Laura again. She seems happy now, but I know she's even happier when she has a good buddy.

JerseyJanice, I loved your comment that no matter what she is loved and wanted by her family. So true.

BrerMom, I agree that its a good thing she's not interested in boys, etc. yet! I just wish there was someone kind of like her to be friends with! I know out there somewhere is a friend who will appreciate her for the sweet girl she is!

(Sorry so long!)

 

[bsnyder]

I've had the pleasure of meeting Laura, and she IS indeed a very sweet girl!

Liz, try not to worry too much. I know that's like the pot calling the kettle black, cause I worry about mine, too! But that's one of the things friends are for, to remind us not to worry so much!

Kids mature at different rates and some are just late bloomers, either physically, or socially, or sometimes both.

I've always worried about my oldest DS....he's very introverted, and never seemed to have a lot of friends or people to hang out with. I watched a transformation this past year (his senior year in high school) that just amazed me. This summer I hardly saw him, he was always off doing stuff with his gang.

Of course, just when I had stopped worrying so much about him, he's starting all over again, this time as a freshman in college, about 2 1/2 hours away from home. He left this past weekend. I have a lump in my throat as I'm typing this!

So if you'll help me stop worrying, I'll help you, okay?

 

[Liz]

Its a deal Bet!

(((((((HUGS)))))))