Why would a woman want to have an affair with a married man?

[livie1205]

I think maybe they are to lazy to find a man of their own ...but in the end it is the mans fault for hurting his family....if he cheats one time he WILL do it again! If you want a good man pay attention to how he treats his mom and sisters.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I think the vast majority of the time the other woman is in the relationship for the no strings attached part. As PPs have said they get the fun without the work. If they are knowing having an affair with a married man or a man is knowingly having an affair with a married woman they are just as much to blame as the cheater. They don't have as much to lose, true, but they are just as guilty.

Why a spouse would cheat might sound complicated and there are all kinds of "reasons" that can be banded about but it comes down to one thing, a lack of character. Look, people don't all of a sudden stop being attracted to other human beings when they become married and there is nothing wrong with that. There is temptation all around but it is a person with no character that gives into the temptation.

Any long term relationship takes work. If either party stops being physically or emotionally attracted to their spouse it has to be addressed. If there is something missing from the marriage it has to be addressed. If those things are addressed and can't be worked out the marriage may have to end but it should end before the affair. The affair shouldn't be explained away by the problem, at that point it becomes a justification for a bad decision. The whole "I had to go get <fill in anything> elsewhere because I wasn't getting it at home" just doesn't cut it with me and it never will.

I think with most things in life we as humans try to justify our poor choices when in actuality it was just a bad decision and we are trying to explain it away and avoid the consequences.

Great post! I trust my DH totally. He is a man of loyalty and character.

 

[luvmy3]

Uumm, because she's a slut

 

[tasha99]

I'm not sure you are right. The ONE thing all the cheaters have in common is extreme selfishness. They do not for one minute think about the effect of their actions on another person. Their me me me attitude is sure to come out in other ways during their life. There is no way a person who thinks like this would be a saint in all other areas. Sainthood (or anything resembling it) requires selflessness first.

I have to disagree with this. You have no idea and no clue whatsoever. The example given above of a woman with a child who had cancer strikes me as someone living under a lot of stress who stole a few moments of bliss, maybe because she rarely got to think of herself at home. It doesn't make it right, but it's not as simple as what you envision.

The one thing I see here is that most people have a strict, black and white moral code that in my experience does not hold true for real life. To some extent, Firedancer is right. If there is a deep problem within a marriage, it should be dealt with. That doesn't always happen, however, because it takes two to fix a problem. If one partner doesn't want to work on the issue, then what? Divorce? Sometimes, but other times a couple may decide to stay married and the unhappy partner will form other relationships to fill the void.

 

[Pugsley]

The ONE thing all the cheaters have in common is extreme selfishness. They do not for one minute think about the effect of their actions on another person.

How on earth would you know that? I had a friend who cheated with a married man and she felt horrible about it. She was constantly plagued with guilt. She did it because she was madly in love with the guy. I guess she felt that they were meant to be together and that in the long run the wife would be better off if he left because he didn't love his wife, her loved HER. It was WRONG, no one is denying that. But sometimes when you're young and impressionable and in love, your judgment is clouded.

 

[dismom2005]

But I will say, I DO think there is thrill involved, and yes the person in my situation KNEW he was married with kids. Maybe it was trying to have what another has, the thrill of taking something from someone I don't know. The ability to be everything he wanted and some.

Kelly

I do think this was a factor when my husband cheated on me earlier this year. The emotional affair started first, with her pursuing my husband, telling him how nice looking he was, etc. Unfortunately we were going through a hard time at home and the affair grew legs. It was obviously a thrill for him and an escape from the nagging wife (me) and the humdrum life of being married for a long time. I guess she wanted a part of what I had at home.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, my husband is a good looking man, makes great money and is very social and charming. I can see why women are attracted to him and before this incident earlier this year he had been propositioned before, almost right in front of my face.

I will forever be changed by this, and hopefully our family will survive the long term effects of it.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I've known several women who have had affairs. One of them happen just out of the blue...she knew he was married, she knew it was wrong but did it anyway because she fell in love with him (they were good friends too). He left his wife for her. They seem very happy and do everything together...unlike how he was with his first wife. I'm not saying it was right to do but they seem to made a better life together. (there were no kids involved either)

Now another girl I know she just did it because he was attractive and made her feel good. She liked knowing she didn't have to be his wife and he would still buy her things and make her feel good. I guess it was a recreation thing?

I know it's bad to have an affair with a married man but I dont put much blame on the other women. They aren't in relationships...they aren't married...they didn't take vows or make promises. The man the cheated had a choice and he shouldn't have made her the other woman to begin with. That's just how I feel about it. Not that I dont think it's wrong for these girls to do it, they just don't get the brunt of my anger when it comes to cheating.

 

[NY Disney fan]

How on earth would you know that? I had a friend who cheated with a married man and she felt horrible about it. She was constantly plagued with guilt. She did it because she was madly in love with the guy. I guess she felt that they were meant to be together and that in the long run the wife would be better off if he left because he didn't love his wife, her loved HER. It was WRONG, no one is denying that. But sometimes when you're young and impressionable and in love, your judgment is clouded.

You say she was plagued with guilt. Why? Because she knew it was wrong but did it anyway out of selfishness. (that's where the guilt part came in). She got in the middle of someone's marriage. The women who get involved with married men (aka, Liars) only know 1/2 the story. No one ever interviews the wife to see who she feels. Cheaters are liars and liars are cheaters.

 

[underdesea]

I have to disagree with this. You have no idea and no clue whatsoever. The example given above of a woman with a child who had cancer strikes me as someone living under a lot of stress who stole a few moments of bliss, maybe because she rarely got to think of herself at home. It doesn't make it right, but it's not as simple as what you envision.

The one thing I see here is that most people have a strict, black and white moral code that in my experience does not hold true for real life. To some extent, Firedancer is right. If there is a deep problem within a marriage, it should be dealt with. That doesn't always happen, however, because it takes two to fix a problem. If one partner doesn't want to work on the issue, then what? Divorce? Sometimes, but other times a couple may decide to stay married and the unhappy partner will form other relationships to fill the void.

Unfortunately, in this case, that was not the story. I found out later that this coworker had been messing around on the side long before her daughter became ill. My boss had to room with her once, before I joined the company and before the woman's daughter was sick. My boss had been reading some materials on the balcony before turning in one night; apparently the coworker didn't know she was out there. The coworker brought a man back to the room and they were, well, you know, when my boss came back inside to go to sleep.

I don't know what drove my coworker to cheat, but in this case, stress over her child wasn't it.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I think maybe they are to lazy to find a man of their own ...but in the end it is the mans fault for hurting his family....if he cheats one time he WILL do it again! If you want a good man pay attention to how he treats his mom and sisters.

I dont know if I believe the whole once a cheater always a cheater thing. People can make mistakes and learn from them. It's like saying cheating is a serial thing that can't be helped. I dont believe that at all. It's a choice and just like people who choose never to take another drink of alcohol or have another cigeratte, you can choose not to cheat.

I think cheating is more of not putting yourself in situations to do so. For instance, if you spend 4 nights of the week in a bar without your spouse...you have full on opportunity.

Life is about choices.

 

[NY Disney fan]

It doesn't make it right, but it's not as simple as what you envision.

The one thing I see here is that most people have a strict, black and white moral code that in my experience does not hold true for real life.

Wow. That's sad and unfortunate that you feel that way.

 

[manning]

If you are talking about Tiger I can think of a million reason.

And Tiger should think about the million reasons not to.

Tiger should be thinking two words (one name)

Magic Johnson. The guy is living with aids gotten by sleeping around with women.

Anyone thinking about sleeping around now should be scared to death.

 

[Pugsley]

You say she was plagued with guilt. Why? Because she knew it was wrong but did it anyway out of selfishness. (that's where the guilt part came in). She got in the middle of someone's marriage. The women who get involved with married men (aka, Liars) only know 1/2 the story. No one ever interviews the wife to see who she feels. Cheaters are liars and liars are cheaters.

You're right. Of course she knew it was wrong - I'd be really appalled if she *didn't* know it was wrong. And, yes, it was selfish. It was a mistake. I don't think that makes her a horrible person. And I don't see how it makes her a "liar". She wasn't lying, the person who was married and took VOWS was lying. And the poster I quoted said "they do not for one minute think about the effect of their actions on another person" and I know that isn't true (at least in some, and imo most, situations).

 

[NY Disney fan]

You're right. Of course she knew it was wrong - I'd be really appalled if she *didn't* know it was wrong. And, yes, it was selfish. It was a mistake. I don't think that makes her a horrible person. And I don't see how it makes her a "liar". She wasn't lying, the person who was married and took VOWS was lying. And the poster I quoted said "they do not for one minute think about the effect of their actions on another person" and I know that isn't true (at least in some, and imo most, situations).

Yes I was referring to the cheating spouse as a liar (sorry if that wasn't clear). And cheating isn't a mistake..its a deliberate choice.

 

[Christine]

I dont know if I believe the whole once a cheater always a cheater thing. People can make mistakes and learn from them. It's like saying cheating is a serial thing that can't be helped. I dont believe that at all. It's a choice and just like people who choose never to take another drink of alcohol or have another cigeratte, you can choose not to cheat.

I think cheating is more of not putting yourself in situations to do so. For instance, if you spend 4 nights of the week in a bar without your spouse...you have full on opportunity.

Life is about choices.

I agree. I actually know a few people who got involved in extramarital affairs, actually left their marriages for the "other" people, and it worked out. Granted, I don't know TONS of people, but it has happened more than once. As far as I know, they did not continue on with their cheating ways. The common issue was that they were in marriages that were "off" in some way. Their mistake was handling it the way they did. The best thing, of course, is to recognize your marital troubles, get counseling, and get out before you cheat. But for many reasons, mostly economic and mostly a fear of horrible confrontation, people try to suppress all that, sweep it under the rug, and cheat. In the short term, it is the "easy" solution.

That said, I do believe there are people that are just serial cheaters and will never stop, no matter how great their marriage might be. But I don't believe that is true for all people.

 

[MusiqChic99]

SHE ruined a family? SHE did?

OK. The guy was drugged, unconscious, maybe dead at the time, no fault whatsoever....

LOL!!

One of my girlfriends was cheated on and she blamed the girl all the way. It was HER fault. She even went on to tell this girl "what did you do flirt with him so much he couldn't say no". Come to find out he went out of his way to get this other girls number from her friends, her email and made sure he went to places she was hanging out.

He left her...she didnt' leave him because she didn't blame him. She blamed the girl. She felt he was a guy and couldn't help himself. The girl could have I guess??? She still blames her to this day and often brings it up even though she has remarried.

 

[Ember]

Wow, it's interesting how black and white this issue is for a lot of people. She's a slut, cheaters have no morals, etc. I guess that even though I believe cheating is wrong I think there are many shades of gray. It's easy to sit back when you're not in a situation and judge it...

In my marriage we both feel cheating is a breaking point. But then, it has never happened so my opinion on it comes only from what I think I would feel or do. I know couples who have survived cheating, and they must have had reasons to keep going or they would have ended things.

However, I still think that if I cheated on my husband, the fault would be mine. Not the man I cheated with. He didn't make any marriage vows to my husband, I did. Whatever issues the man may have, I would be solely responsible for the my own actions which would hurt my husband and/or destroy my marriage. The blame would not be 50/50. As I said, opportunities and temptation will always be there, to think otherwise is foolish. Remaining faithful and honest is a choice.

 

[MusiqChic99]

Wow, it's interesting how black and white this issue is for a lot of people. She's a slut, cheaters have no morals, etc. I guess that even though I believe cheating is wrong I think there are many shades of gray. It's easy to sit back when you're not in a situation and judge it...

In my marriage we both feel cheating is a breaking point. But then, it has never happened so my opinion on it comes only from what I think I would feel or do. I know couples who have survived cheating, and they must have had reasons to keep going or they would have ended things.

However, I still think that if I cheated on my husband, the fault would be mine. Not the man I cheated with. He didn't make any marriage vows to my husband, I did. Whatever issues the man may have, I would be solely responsible for the my own actions which would hurt my husband and/or destroy my marriage. The blame would not be 50/50. As I said, opportunities and temptation will always be there, to think otherwise is foolish. Remaining faithful and honest is a choice.

Very well said!!!

 

[Acklander]

I think maybe they are to lazy to find a man of their own ...but in the end it is the mans fault for hurting his family....if he cheats one time he WILL do it again! If you want a good man pay attention to how he treats his mom and sisters.

Not always, I guess it would depend on the reason for cheating. I left my first husband for my second husband. I know this is probably not what you want to hear - it's easier to think that if someone cheats on their spouse, all the betrayed spouse is losing is a horrible cheater who will do the same to multitudes of others. People who are involved in cheating have no morals and karma will mow them down in the future. They are nothing but sluts and ho's who are selfish home wreckers and who treats their mom and sisters like trash. If that makes you somehow feel safer in your marriage, and a better person, go ahead and continue thinking that way. But it's not always the reality. I've been married over 20 years to my 2nd husband and have never cheated on him, nor thought about cheating on him. We have a good marriage, and while I feel bad how we went about getting together before my first marriage ended, I have never regretted meeting/ and becoming involved with him. I truly feel we were meant to be together.

 

[AlleyKat]

The reason could be as simple as pure "animal" attraction between two people.

I've never heard of a woman holding a gun to a man's head while forcing him to be unfaithful!