Why would a woman want to have an affair with a married man?

[NY Disney fan]

Cheating is bad but if you look at it in a matter of sin....a sin is a sin...just as bad as being judgemental to those to have cheated.

Look, we are all sinners, myself included. I am merely trying to wave the flag for doing the right thing. I am trying to condemn cheating, not single anyone out.

 

[MusiqChic99]

Look, we are all sinners, myself included. I am merely trying to wave the flag for doing the right thing. I am trying to condemn cheating, not single anyone out.

Just trying to remind people that a bad choice doesn't make for someone's character.

At 19 I made stupid choices about guys and partied like it was 1999...now I'm about as squeaky clean as they come. I would hope people don't judge my character on mistakes I made when I was younger.

Same goes for cheating...although I dont think it's right, I dont think people who have done it are scum or sluts.

 

[ginna74]

It all comes down to boundaries and character.

If you are married, and MEANT those vows, when you find yourself attracted to a person of the opposite sex you take yourself out of the situation. End of story. If it is a work situation and you can't literally remove yourself, you keep it business. No joking, teasing, flirting, drinks after work.

Abuse is not an excuse. An affair is just dropping a match on a powder keg in that example. Get out if that is the case.

Spouse not meeting your needs? Talk to him/her. Go to counseling. Search your heart and soul. Still nothing changes? Leave. Get out there and find the person or people who can make you happy.

If you decide to stay in the marriage for kids or whatever, YOUR VOWS STILL APPLY. Do you think your kids discovering an affair is going to hurt them less than an above-board divorce?

Need to feel good about yourself? Feeling insecure? Crave the attention to reaffirm your womenhood/manhood? An affair might be a temporary fix but when your spouse finds out, or your mom, or your church...how will you feel about yourself then? Affairs destroy more than the betrayed.

As for the other person who knowingly participates...affairs don't just happen. You know if you are initially attracted, and you know when you are developing an attraction. You know if your heart races when you're getting ready in the morning, looking forward to seeing this person. You know this person is taken and you do not care. You are looking out for you. Textbook selfishness.

If you choose to go ahead and chase someone and not care if their spouse or children get hurt as long as you get whatever it is that you want?

That seems pretty black and white to me as well--it's wrong.

At least it is by MY moral code.

Just because it is not as big a crime/sin/breach of integrity as the spouse does not mean what she is doing is not WRONG WRONG WRONG.

The world would be a better place if people did not justify wrong actions with entitlement reasoning and 'but this case is different.'

I soooo agree

 

[MusiqChic99]

Lots of women have such low self esteem that they don't realize they deserve better. He's not a "good catch" if he's willing to not do the right thing for the other woman (his wife).

I think at that time he wouldn't be considered a good catch but he could be a good person wrapped up in doing something wrong.

Doesn't mean he's going to be bad to the next person he is with.

I dated a guy who's dad beat the crap outta his mom all the time. They divorced and he remarried. I asked him once if he ever hit his stepmom and he told me no and that he would never do it to her because he see's how wrong it was now.

Maybe I'm just naive but I really do believe not EVERY person is bad. We have all made bad choices at some point in our lives.

And for the record, I'm not cheater nor "another woman" I have been cheated on though. It sucked but I've moved on quite well I think. And I didn't blame the other girl at all.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree that actions made in our twenties don't always mean that is our value core at 38 or 40 or 70.

I guess, for me, my values are once I make a commitment I do everything I can to continue to keep that commitment. I don't blame the girl in the situation because it really is not her problem that guy has a wife and family at home. He really has the blame on what goes on in that situation. Now, once she knows about the family etc then she either backs off or doesn't. The consequences are then hers to share in the situation. Just my 02 cents!

Kelly

 

[SamRoc]

I don't agree that once a cheater always a cheater. In the past i have had 4 girlfriends whose husbands have cheated on them with a co-worker and left them for the other women. These men have gone on to have children with the new woman and are very happy. All but three realize that their husbands no longer wanted to be married to them and fell in love with someone else. These new couples have been together for years, the guys arent running around, they go to work and come home to their new families. My one girlfriend still isnt over her ex, even though he is married with a daughter, its been 5 years and i hope she can move on soon.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Just trying to remind people that a bad choice doesn't make for someone's character.

At 19 I made stupid choices about guys and partied like it was 1999...now I'm about as squeaky clean as they come. I would hope people don't judge my character on mistakes I made when I was younger.

Same goes for cheating...although I dont think it's right, I dont think people who have done it are scum or sluts.

Bad choices reveal character flaws. Doesn't make them a bad person. So glad you are now on the right path and making your life better, as am I.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I agree that actions made in our twenties don't always mean that is our value core at 38 or 40 or 70.

I guess, for me, my values are once I make a commitment I do everything I can to continue to keep that commitment. I don't blame the girl in the situation because it really is not her problem that guy has a wife and family at home. He really has the blame on what goes on in that situation. Now, once she knows about the family etc then she either backs off or doesn't. The consequences are then hers to share in the situation. Just my 02 cents!

Kelly

I completely agree with the commitment part. I wished everyone was capable of saying no and having a true faithful commitment. Unfortuantely that's just that the way it works.

 

[BeenHereB4]

I think at that time he wouldn't be considered a good catch but he could be a good person wrapped up in doing something wrong.

Doesn't mean he's going to be bad to the next person he is with.

I dated a guy who's dad beat the crap outta his mom all the time. They divorced and he remarried. I asked him once if he ever hit his stepmom and he told me no and that he would never do it to her because he see's how wrong it was now.

Maybe I'm just naive but I really do believe not EVERY person is bad. We have all made bad choices at some point in our lives.

And for the record, I'm not cheater nor "another woman" I have been cheated on though. It sucked but I've moved on quite well I think. And I didn't blame the other girl at all.

I do agree with you - for reasons I won't go into here. Good people make bad decisions everyday. But at the time of the cheating, he is not the only "good guy" out there that this woman can date. I don't think either party should be beyond forgiveness. I do know that many people come out of an infidelity unable to trust the next person they are with - that goes for the cheater and the cheatee. It's really bad stuff that tends to spread far beyond just the 3 or 4 people immediately involved.

 

[LoraJ]

It all comes down to boundaries and character.

If you are married, and MEANT those vows, when you find yourself attracted to a person of the opposite sex you take yourself out of the situation. End of story. If it is a work situation and you can't literally remove yourself, you keep it business. No joking, teasing, flirting, drinks after work.

Abuse is not an excuse. An affair is just dropping a match on a powder keg in that example. Get out if that is the case.

Spouse not meeting your needs? Talk to him/her. Go to counseling. Search your heart and soul. Still nothing changes? Leave. Get out there and find the person or people who can make you happy.

If you decide to stay in the marriage for kids or whatever, YOUR VOWS STILL APPLY. Do you think your kids discovering an affair is going to hurt them less than an above-board divorce?

Need to feel good about yourself? Feeling insecure? Crave the attention to reaffirm your womenhood/manhood? An affair might be a temporary fix but when your spouse finds out, or your mom, or your church...how will you feel about yourself then? Affairs destroy more than the betrayed.

As for the other person who knowingly participates...affairs don't just happen. You know if you are initially attracted, and you know when you are developing an attraction. You know if your heart races when you're getting ready in the morning, looking forward to seeing this person. You know this person is taken and you do not care. You are looking out for you. Textbook selfishness.

If you choose to go ahead and chase someone and not care if their spouse or children get hurt as long as you get whatever it is that you want?

That seems pretty black and white to me as well--it's wrong.

At least it is by MY moral code.

Just because it is not as big a crime/sin/breach of integrity as the spouse does not mean what she is doing is not WRONG WRONG WRONG.

The world would be a better place if people did not justify wrong actions with entitlement reasoning and 'but this case is different.'

Very well stated!!!!

I see that there are a lot of posts "but but but but the man(or married woman) is a scum, why blame the woman" There is no question that they are scum. No debate at all. The question is, why would a woman willingly want to be in a relationship with said scumbag. Knowing that he sleeps in the bed of anotehr woman every night, who most likely thinks she has a wonderful marriage.

 

[NY Disney fan]

My one girlfriend still isnt over her ex, even though he is married with a daughter, its been 5 years and i hope she can move on soon.

She is not over him because she never got to work on her marriage and make things better and improve. Her husband moved on and some other girl got in the middle. Stuff like that is very hard to reconcile. I pray that her heart heals.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I do agree with you - for reasons I won't go into here. Good people make bad decisions everyday. But at the time of the cheating, he is not the only "good guy" out there that this woman can date. I don't think either party should be beyond forgiveness. I do know that many people come out of an infidelity unable to trust the next person they are with - that goes for the cheater and the cheatee. It's really bad stuff that tends to spread far beyond just the 3 or 4 people immediately involved.

Agreed.


Trust is a hard thing to get back once it's broken.

I work with a couple who cheated on their spouses. They are now married to each other but can't be out of each other's sight for a minute. He even told me that they make sure to do everything together so that they don't cheat on each other. I can't imagine what it would be like having to live like that. I think it would be hard to be truly happy if no trust was there.

 

[Sneezie]

I have no idea why people (man or woman) will mess around with a married person. My ex cheated on me with one of his friends' wife. My best revenge on both of them was to let them have each other. I still often wonder why he did it, but in the end it doesn't matter. He did it and that was enough for me. Funny, but I never wondered why she did it.

On the other hand, one of his friends (a married one) tried to start something with me and used the fact that my ex had cheated on me so I needed to get back at him. I refused, even though I was attracted to him. When he asked me why not, I simply said "because you're married". And that was truly the only reason. If he were single I would have been more than willing!

 

[NY Disney fan]

On the other hand, one of his friends (a married one) tried to start something with me and used the fact that my ex had cheated on me so I needed to get back at him. I refused, even though I was attracted to him. When he asked me why not, I simply said "because you're married". And that was truly the only reason. If he were single I would have been more than willing!

Now that is a perfect example of how someone SHOULD behave.

 

[BeenHereB4]

Agreed.


Trust is a hard thing to get back once it's broken.

I work with a couple who cheated on their spouses. They are now married to each other but can't be out of each other's sight for a minute. He even told me that they make sure to do everything together so that they don't cheat on each other. I can't imagine what it would be like having to live like that. I think it would be hard to be truly happy if no trust was there.

How sad for them. I've seen it happen too. It's so hard to be the one whe doesn't trust AND the one who isn't trusted.

Anyway, one thing i know for sure - this is going to be a LONG thread.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I have no idea why people (man or woman) will mess around with a married person. My ex cheated on me with one of his friends' wife. My best revenge on both of them was to let them have each other. I still often wonder why he did it, but in the end it doesn't matter. He did it and that was enough for me. Funny, but I never wondered why she did it.

On the other hand, one of his friends (a married one) tried to start something with me and used the fact that my ex had cheated on me so I needed to get back at him. I refused, even though I was attracted to him. When he asked me why not, I simply said "because you're married". And that was truly the only reason. If he were single I would have been more than willing!

Did you tell his wife that he came onto you?

 

[MusiqChic99]

Just a thought....I wonder if the other woman finds it easy to be with a married man because he doesn't respect the relationship with his wife. You know kinda like if he doesn't respect it, why should I?

Not a great excuse of course but just a thought.

 

[LoraJ]

Just a thought....I wonder if the other woman finds it easy to be with a married man because he doesn't respect the relationship with his wife. You know kinda like if he doesn't respect it, why should I?

Not a great excuse of course but just a thought.

That's a horrible excuse. He wouldn't respect you either.

 

[MusiqChic99]

That's a horrible excuse. He wouldn't respect you either.

I think all excuses are horrible...I think it would be better to say ...yeah I made a mistake...leave the excuses out of it.

 

[Nennie]

Such a shame!