Why is my mom like this?

[LittleRydia]

Ok well i know the past few weeks ive been posting about a guy at work. Well yes he finally asked me out and we have been dating almost a week now.

Hes really sweet, we have so much in common it is scary. We really finish each other sentences. Call me crazy but im already falling for him

Anyways, my mom has hurt my feelings the last few days. She told me i could date this guy, but dont expect anything seriouse? what is that supposed to mean?

She said she has this "feeling" about him she doesnt like. But this is coming from a woman who didnt tell what a jerk my sister was marrying even though the signs was there!

See he is 27, still lives at home but doesnt have a car. He works at winn dixie like I do, and has only been there a few months. So yes hes still new and like any job the pay at first is not that great. Right now his manager is training him to be full time and hopfully the closing manager.

She says i could never have a futur with this guy for hes not rich and has a lot of money . she says ill be working also all my life for us to have anything. but here is the thing she wont understand.

I can be with someone who has all the money in the world, treat me like dirt and never be happy.

OR

I can be with someone who has nothing, loves me for who I am and be richer in happiness.


Thats what she wont understand.. and im trying to explain to her. She wants me to dump him! Im 21 years old and i belive i have a right to say who i can date and who i cant. If i make a mistake, i want to learn from it myself.

Are there any mothers here or others who have been in the same situation that can lend some advice? I love my mom and hate for me dating someone to loss our bond. But I dont want to break up with michael either.. ive never met anyone like him in all my life who likes the samething as i do. Ill admit im not a normal girl!

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

Like it or not, your mom has a lot more life experience then you do. But your mom shouldn't be telling you to not see him because he isn't rich. Living at home and not having a car at 27 aren't the greatest *signs*, but there can be good reasons for it.

You are 21 and can date who you want. However, from my experience (I'm in my late 20s) my parents instincts were usually right. Every guy they hated ended up breaking my heart. They never told me they hated him until after.

You may want to take a step back and try to slow down a little. I know it's hard. I have been in your shoes. Your mom is afraid you are going to get hurt and is trying to protect you because she loves you.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but life isn't always about hearing what you want. It's about hearing what you need to when you don't want to as well.

Good luck!

 

[Pugdog007]

You're still very early in this relationship. I'd take it really slowly. I would echo your Mom's concerns about a 27 year old man who "lives at home." I've lived "at home" i.e. my own home since I was 18 years old. "Home" at this point in his life should not be with parents.

At 21, you have your future ahead of you and decisions you make now could seal your fate. I have a completely different life now than I had at 21. I didn't have a clue about the world then and the men I was attracted to then are not the same type of man I'm attracted to now. My interests then are not interests now.

Money may not be the road to happiness. But I can assure you that having some monetary security makes the road much easier and much more rewarding.

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

At 21, you have your future ahead of you and decisions you make now could seal your fate. I have a completely different life now than I had at 21. I didn't have a clue about the world then and the men I was attracted to then are not the same type of man I'm attracted to now.

I have to echo this. If I married who I was *in love* with at 18, 21 or heck, even 25 I would be a very miserable woman now (just a few years later).

You will have to learn this lesson on your own. None of us can teach it to you, or stop you. Your mom can't either. All we can do is guide you and give you advice. It's your choice if you want to listen or go your own way.

 

[Rella Bella]

Moms think like that because when they were 21 financial security was the last thing on their mind too.

Many women have had their hearts broken... not just because the relationship didn't work out, because often the relationships are fine but because they ended up having children to support while they had to work full time and could barely afford child care; or ended up on their own because Dad was too poor or uneducated to even help.

This is the real issue...
Being young, in love and broke can be okay -- walks in the park, sitting in the moonlight, coming home from work to be together.

Raising kids broke is something else altogether... their is nothing harder for a mom than not having enough to give her children what they need... or even what they want. Telling your kids no they can't have what their friends have over and over is NOT a good life. Even middle class families struggle sometimes and moms quickly gain an understanding that they would do just about anything you could to prevent a child - or niece - or sister from having to live with that struggle continually.

If I could guess I would bet these are things your mom faced, possibly more than one time in her life. She may come across grumpy or even unkind but it's just her trying to help you have a life better than hers.

She probably also knows after one week things aren't too serious -- even though you like him a lot -- and another thing moms know is that once real love happens there is no way the guy will be out of the picture without someone really getting hurt, be it sooner or later.

(For the record I am not saying you need to be wealthy or love money to be happy. God provides what we need... but we can’t stick our heads in the ground either.)

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My mom didn't say anything about my sister and her abusive hubby either. But she made sure to never make that mistake again. My brother was in a very not good relationship with a very selfish man---mom didn't keep her mouth shout. Neither did his sisters. But my brother wouldn't listen and was like fine yeah yeah whatever. Well he did finally listen and whaddya know--everyone was right. If mom doesn't like the guy--you may at least consider the opinion even if you don't listen to it. My mother will only speak up with necessary. In the case of my sister--she didn't really like the guy, but let her kids make their own decisions. When he became abusive---and mom found out--mom didn' feel she coudl do much--but when it came down to it--she didn't keep her mouth shut. With my brother's case--when she noticed things weren't quite right--she spoke up immediately. She has openly state to all of us that when she knows we are being hurt, she will stay silent no more (emotionally, physical, whatever).

Understandably some mothers speak up more often than necessary.

But, mom's motherly instinct never goes away.

You may give mom the BOD and just keep the radar up.

ETA: Funny thing--she uses the Disney litmus test. If the guy doesn't like Disney--her suspiciouns (sp?) go up. Funny enough in both cases the guys weren't all to in to Disney---and so she never warmed up to them. So far---all her blah feelings--have been people who don't like Disney. My hubby for the most part is great--and he passed the "Disney Test"--ongoing joke in our family.

 

[magicmirror]

One thing great about being your age is that you do get to make your own decisions. Your mom is probably just trying to protect you, she wants what she thinks is best for you, that doesn't mean she is right. Follow your heart, but as other posters have said, take it slowly, if he's not right for you, you will know.
and Ps. Don't put up with any crap, if he doesn't treat you like a queen, kick his behind to the curb, there is someone who will. Never settle!!

 

[Rella Bella]

Ps. Don't put up with any crap, if he doesn't treat you like a queen, kick his behind to the curb, there is someone who will. Never settle!!

There it is!!

 

[TexasCourt]

I agree that money is definetely not everything. However, that being said, as others have mentioned here before me, as you get older and start having kids.....everything changes. Money is important in that it CAN give your children stability and other things. It is hard to constantly struggle and not be able to provide things (such as say, sports) for your children.

It has been my personal experience that my mother usually knows best....I am not saying this is the case with you, but you might want to at least look at the facts with a level head.

 

[Hannathy]

For heavens sake she is only starting to go out with the guy! ( she could find out he wants 16 kids and all of them to wear homemade jumpers) Enjoy this giddy time but make no promises. Take time to find out why he is at home, is it convenient or does he get treated like he is 16 willingly, get to know him for 6 months before deciding anything. I would be more interested in why he is just starting at an entry level job at 27 than with him living at home. I know lot's of people with adult kids living with them now compared to when I was that age.
My nephew lives with my sister, she's divorced so it is the 2 of them they come and go on their own, he doesn't report to her it is just easier for both. He has a very good job,nice car,clothes and is always going to great places with the owner of the company like the super bowl, Vegas, different islands, Just came back from Florida. He has lived on his own but now her house is close to work and it helps her out.But I guess no one should date him 'cause he lives at home.

His character and how hard he is willing to work is more important than if he has money right now. I've known some very rich jerks and some very poor students who turned out very well to do. Just take your time and think with your brain not your heart or other part of your anatomy.

 

[poohandwendy]

See he is 27, still lives at home but doesnt have a car. He works at winn dixie like I do, and has only been there a few months. So yes hes still new and like any job the pay at first is not that great. Right now his manager is training him to be full time and hopfully the closing manager.

I would feel the same way as your mother. 27, and no real ambition? Red flags. Sorry, that is how I would feel. However, I would probbably make one comment and then leave it alone. But, I would be lying if I said I would not be disappointed in her choice.

I can be with someone who has all the money in the world, treat me like dirt and never be happy.

OR

I can be with someone who has nothing, loves me for who I am and be richer in happiness.

Those are not the only choices. I would be alarmed if my DD saw it that way.

I am not saying anyone has to be rich...it's the lack of motivation, at the age of 27, that would bother me. What has he been doing with his life for the last 9 years where he has nothing to show for it? That is what I would be asking. Those would be the questions I would want my DD to be asking herself.

Good luck to you.

 

[powellrj]

OK, this is the mom in me coming out!!! Sometimes guys ( and girls) have this wonderful parrot skill. They can parrot and become anything they think you want them to be. When you are involved with someone, you can't see it, but someone who is on the outside looking in can.

While there could be lots of good reasons why he is 27 and still living at home and working at an entry level job, as a mom, this would raise lots of red flags. Take it slow and if its meant to be, things will work out and mom will come around!

 

[Daxx]

At 21, you have your future ahead of you and decisions you make now could seal your fate. I have a completely different life now than I had at 21. I didn't have a clue about the world then and the men I was attracted to then are not the same type of man I'm attracted to now. My interests then are not interests now.

Oh, boy ... this is so true! I can say that Pugdog007 is so right, esp. about the part of if I married the person I was w/when I was 21 ... yikes!! I would be a miserable woman, too!

You're so young ... what's the rush for a serious relationship!? Go out w/your girlfriends, date a lot, have fun! There's plenty of time for finding "Mr. Right", do not settle for "Mr. Right Now".

BTW -- no car and living at home at 27? First off, why is he doing this? Second, is he paying rent there!? If he's not paying rent (and I don't mean $40/week), then what's he doing w/his money? Not enough money to move out or buy a car? I could understand living at home w/his own car ... or living in an apt. w/o a car ... but no car and living at home?! What's he been doing since college graduation (or high school grad)? If he hasn't had a job until now, or has piddled away his money, then do you really want to be w/a guy who is going to take advantage of you like he's taken advantage of his parents?!

I hope you're not paying for most of the dates and for all the gas money! If you are, then he's taking advantage of you! I don't care if he's new at his job ... if he can't pay for anything, he shouldn't be dating anyone! If that's the case and you marry him, he's going to expect you to pay for everything while he gets by doing as little as possible.

We moms have good intuition ... and, I don't believe that your mom never argued w/your sister about her boyfriends and now, her husband.

Again ... you're 21 and will make your own decisions. Good luck to you!

Warmly,
Daxx's Wife

 

[kristen821]

I haven't read all the replies so I am sorry if this is a duplicate.

I am 26 years old and I have to admit my parents especially my Mom was right a lot of the times. I don't know what it is intuition or what, but she really was right a whole lot. Trust me you will understand when you have kids.

Just take it slow with this guy you have time there is no need to rush into things. Not to sound harsh or anything but you sound like you are talking about a guy that you are going to marry next week not a guy you just started dated. I really hope it works out for you, but take it slow and make sure he treats you right.

I agree with you that you can be happy poor and miserble rich, but I would not recommend putting yourself in a situation that you know there is no future in. If you think there is a future try it out, but if you don't see him going anywhere in life think hard about what you mother said.

Good luck I know it is hard, but remember you mom says things because she cares about you.

 

[Caradana]

This might not be the guy for me (I would last about 15 mins. with a guy like this), but he might be the perfect guy for you. I would refrain from analyzing it until you've been together for three months.

Are you in school?

 

[poohandwendy]

This might not be the guy for me (I would last about 15 mins. with a guy like this), but he might be the perfect guy for you. I would refrain from analyzing it until you've been together for three months.

Are you in school?

15 minutes? I dunno about that.

 

[Maleficent13]

15 minutes? I dunno about that.

Yeah, I read that too and thought, wow, that's a generous estimate!

All I can add is, I DID marry the guy I thought I was crazy about when I was 22. I worked my butt off for years supporting him. Finally, thank goodness, one day I came to my senses and said, "WTH am I doing???" Mom had been asking me "WTH are you doing???" for years...

Moms who are worth their salt know things. But...I agree a week is too soon to make any judgement calls. On her part OR yours.

 

[Annam26]

She says i could never have a futur with this guy for hes not rich and has a lot of money . she says ill be working also all my life for us to have anything. but here is the thing she wont understand.

I can be with someone who has all the money in the world, treat me like dirt and never be happy.

OR

I can be with someone who has nothing, loves me for who I am and be richer in happiness.

Or, you could be with with someone who "has all the money in the world", and loves you for who you are; also, you could be with someone who has nothing, treats you like dirt and never be happy.

There are lots of variables here. Just don't fool yourself thinking that a poor guy will always treat you better (at least it reads like you think that's the way it works).

 

[goofy4tink]

Mom here!!! And an older one at that! I remember my mom, back in 1967, telling me that a guy I really liked was not going to be around for much longer. Oh, I knew that I knew better than she did...after all, she was old and over the hill. She just didn't get it. Well, she was right, and for all the right reasons. Man, I hated it when she was right. So...fast forward to today. I have a 29 y/o dd. Just last week she was saying how hard it is to meet decent guys. I asked her what her definition of 'decent' was. Her reply, and I quote, "Well, around my age, has a car, isn't living at home unless he's saving towards a house, has a decent job." Of course, she has no boyfriend, so her standards may be a bit high!!! Just kidding.
So, to the OP, are you right and your mom wrong? Not neccesarily. Your mom may be afraid of your being hurt. Moms always want their little girls to have the very best they can find. Yes, it is just as easy to love a rich man. But, having money is no sure way to happiness. I know a lot of people who have incredibly wonderful marriages but don't have a lot to spare.
So, take your time. Don't rush into anything. It's a lot easier to step away from a relationship when it's just a 'dating' one rather than be forced to get a divorce. There is no rush. If you really like this young man, then keep seeing him. You will know, down the road, what is right for you. The first time I married, at age 22, I knew in my heart that I was doing the wrong thing. But, I didn't want to disappoint my family. Well, come to find out, both my parents thought it was the wrong thing also. I wish they had said something at the time. Of course, I wouldn't have the wonderful kids I have, or never met the great guy I'm married to now. And my ex would most likely never have met his present wife and have a lovely dd with her. So, sometimes things work out for the best...even if in funny ways.
Hang in there. Bear with your mom. She's trying to be helpful. At least, I hope she's trying to be helpful!!!

 

[MAKmom]

OK, this is the mom in me coming out!!! Sometimes guys ( and girls) have this wonderful parrot skill. They can parrot and become anything they think you want them to be. When you are involved with someone, you can't see it, but someone who is on the outside looking in can.
While there could be lots of good reasons why he is 27 and still living at home and working at an entry level job, as a mom, this would raise lots of red flags. Take it slow and if its meant to be, things will work out and mom will come around!

Always pay attention to RED FLAGS in life. Your boyfriend sounds great if he was a teenager. Unless you live in a Urban setting a 27 year old MAN should have a car. Why doesnt he. Have you asked him? What has he been doing since high school? Any arrest?


BTW: Your Mom may have not said anything about BIL. She may regret that now.