why do people care how many kids you choose to have?

[ebtbmom]

We have 1 child, and I am usually very happy with this decision. We can do lots of stuff with him that we couldn't afford to do if we have another. Me and DH also love spending time alone and are able to do that frequently. While I love my son more than anything else on the planet, I'm not a "supermom" type of mom. I acutally look forward to him becomming an adult and us having a great adult type of relationship! You know, hanging out, drinking beer, and talking politics and stuff.

But why does everyone think it's a bad decision? Recently I was talking with a coworker (3 kids) and she went on and on about how great it was to have them and how I must have more because when I'm 50 I'll regret it and my son will be spoiled (he is by my parents, not by me!) and he'll miss having siblings. Anyway, this totally depressed me and made me doubt our decision. DH is perfectly fine with not having anymore, and he's excited about graduating nursing school next year so we (all of us) can travel the world together.

Seeing the other post about kid #s made me realize that everyone comments on this very personal decision. Like, you're a freak unless you have exactly 2 children, one boy and one girl. Why do they care? Why do they make us doubt our carefully weighed and agonized decision? Is there really a magical # of kids that make life perfect.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I've been bummed ever since my discussion with the person because I don't really feel the desire for another one; and I feel guitly for that!

PS: D1sneyf4n This isn't directed at you, I know you were just curious!

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

We are in the same boat. We are perfectly happy with our one child and my DD certainly enjoys all the extras we are able to give her that come from having only one child! It's everyone around us who seem to be extremely displeased with this decision!

 

[2binak]

Is there really a magical # of kids that make life perfect.

Yes there is - the number that makes you & your spouse, and only the two of you, happy!

We have many friends who have one child and many who have 2 or more children. Each couple is as happy as the next because they've all carefully weighed the options and decided what's best for them.

I'm sorry your co-worker was so pushy. Sometimes people just don't know when to take a step back and look at things from other people's point of view.

 

[shaylahc1]

Sometimes I wonder if people are just jealous I have 4 kids and sometimes I'm envious of people who have less....not because I don't want or love my kids but because my life is so much more complicated and expensive than theirs The world is built for the "perfect" family of 4...

That being said I think there are some valid concerns about having an only...mostly about what will happen when s/he grows up and has to deal with the responsibility of aging parents. Hopefully s/he will have a supportive spouse who can step in and help.

Tell people to MYOB If they aren't supporting your family then they can keep their opinions to themselves

 

[tink1969]

Don't doubt your decision and don't let other people tell you what you should and shouldn't do.
I have two beautiful girls. Our original plan was to have 4. But after two, we thought...it's just right. My gosh, the running around we do just for the two kids is unbelievable! Between soccer, swimming, horseback riding, skating lessons (various seasons of the year) etc. I can't imagine what it would be like if we had 4, 6 or even more.
If you are happy with just one child, then who cares what others think!

 

[Manda]

I try to avoid these posts because people always seem to miss the spirit of the post and jump in to point out all the reasons that you're damaging your child by having only one. Alas, I can't seem to help myself from clicking.

Anywho... I'll just say that I have one, don't want anymore. Think he's perfectly happy and we're happy as a family of 3. The only regret I have about it is that I now have to listen to people forever telling me all the reasons why I should have another.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

People are inherently selfish and jealous.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

People are inherently selfish and jealous.

ITA. I notice this all too often with real-life acquaintences and relatives. Ugh.

BTW-- I'm an only, and I'm happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

 

[ShannonMB]

Mom of an *only* here, too. I am so more than fine with having just one that I got myself fixed last year. DH and I were in complete agreement. I was 37, and DD was 8 at that time, and we just felt (and still feel), that 3 is the perfect family for us. People do ask 'when we are having another' or 'don't you want any more kids? You love being a mom'. I just laugh and say 'that ship has sailed! I have no inkling whatsoever to start the whole thing over with DD being 9, and besides, I'm fixed!'

I do get questions, but it sounds like your coworker was being pretty judgemental if the conversation made you feel that bad. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Enjoy your son, and enjoy doing some of those extras you can afford because you just have one!

 

[princessmom29]

I have only one as well and am perfectly happy. We get to go places and do things that we siply couldn't if we had more. I get my fair shar of "when are you having another?", and "how can you let her be an only child?" I have learned over the years just to ignore it. We are happy as a family and that is all that matters.

 

[sjs314]

I was an only child, grew up and married an only child, I always vowed I would never have just one child........I had 2 sons, but it is your decision, not anyone elses

 

[charity]

People are inherently selfish and jealous.

You got it! When I first moved to our house my next door has 4 kids, she went on and on about how we should have more than just 1 (we have sons the same age) and all the bad things because we only have one child. This really hurt and I stared thinking maybe we should try for a second even if we are happy!
Well as the years have went by and now I know her better, I know she is just soo jealous of the things we can do with our only. We have more time and can spend more on him, (he is not a brat in any way) Friends have told me how she goes on and on about the big wasteful birthday parties I have ( all her kids are invited and we allways so no gifts from anyone) for him and how it's not fair that her son comes over to our house to play and wants some of the things my son has. She has also told me how they would love to take a Disney Trip but just don't have the money to do it with 4 and it would be to hard to try to keep up with 4 in the parks.
So don't let anyone make you feel bad because you have any # of kids. You have what makes you happy.
I have a wonderful, well behaved, smart and sweet boy and he is any only!

 

[ksjayhawkfan]

I dont know why others care. If someone wants only 1, that is their families decision. People are rude. I get the opposite end of the spectrum...I have 4 kids and would have had more if my body/health would have let me. I cant imagine there not being kids around, Im the youngest of 9 and my DH is the youngest of 5, so for us, there was no question that we would have a large family.

hang in there, and dont let others make you doubt yourself!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well I have to chime in here.
The people that care so much is because they think their opinion is all that matters and is right. The end.
I find it very insulting when parents of onlies say that those of us who have more than one child are jealous. I have not ever been jealous of any parent because of the amount of children they have. I think that is ridiculous and condescending. We do just as much and sometimes even more than people we know who have onlies. So I find that agrument very insulting.

On the other end of it- I support anyone's decision to have as many or as little children as they want. I am not them and it is none of my business. I don't tell people they should have more or they should have any. I think each individual needs to decide what is best for them. I could turn this around and tell you about the million rude comments I have gotten from complete strangers because I have a larger family. At the end of the day it is nobody's business. YMMV.

 

[bas71873]

Mom of an "only" here too and OP (and other PP's of only kids) I can relate. We have 1 DD, never really discussed another, never really discussed having her, it just sorta happened and now 7 years later, I can't imagine being able or wanting to share my love for her, my time with her, etc. She's my world and I want to give and do things for her that I know we could not do if we had another. And she tells me all the time she doesn't want any babies. Even when she was in 3/4 year preschool and all her friends mommies were preggers.....yes, like 6 or 7 of them, she never once said she wanted a baby brother or sister.

I do sometimes think about the responsibility she will have when DH and I are older, but we will plan as best we can for that time so it ALL does not fall on her. But when I look back at my relationship with my brother, he's 5 years younger, we were NOT close at all growing up. In fact, he didn't have a need for until I turned that magic age of 21 and once we were both out of the house, we grew a lot closer. Strange, but we are close now, but growing up, not so much.

But, on other side, I also know myself well enough to know that I am not cut out to be a mom of more than one. I am not the most patient person in the world and I have never been a baby person (I don't NEED to hold babies, goo goo gaga all over them, etc., etc.) and really HATED that whiney 2/3 and into 4 stage all kids go through and so right now, I just find our life perfect.

My mom used to drop hints all the time about what a good mom I am, blah, blah, knowing she was getting at, in her subtle way, "when are you having another" and I finally just told her I'M NOT. She's OK with it. My MIL on the other hand, she bugs me constantly and tries to guilt me with the fact that the family names stops with my DH. WHO CARES???? I don't and DH has never said it bothers him.

Sorry for all that rambling, but we too are happy with our 1 child family and my DD is very sweet, smart, loves all her friends, plays well with others, handles change like a champ (poor kid has moved 4 times in her short little lifetime....state moves, not just neighborhood to neighborhood). I just can't imagine my life any other way

 

[brockash]

Sometimes I wonder if people are just jealous I have 4 kids and sometimes I'm envious of people who have less....not because I don't want or love my kids but because my life is so much more complicated and expensive than theirs The world is built for the "perfect" family of 4...

That being said I think there are some valid concerns about having an only...mostly about what will happen when s/he grows up and has to deal with the responsibility of aging parents. Hopefully s/he will have a supportive spouse who can step in and help.

Tell people to MYOB If they aren't supporting your family then they can keep their opinions to themselves

I get what you're saying with this. I absolutely think it's up to the parents to do what's best for their family, and to figure out what they can handle/enjoy/want Having said that, I completely understand this way of thinking. Personally for me, I wouldn't want to have just one because of those types of reasons. I'm the oldest of 3 girls, and I can not imagine my life without them, and not just because I'm supposed to feel that way (you know the way you feel about your family/kids ect.) But I really can't imagine my life without them, for me, I can't imagine how very alone I would feel. We have 2 kids (boy and girl,) but honestly there are times that I feel a little guilty that they'll only have eachother, and that neither will have a sibling of the same sex. I'm sure they'll grow up and be just fine and I certainly hope they're close, but for me I can completely see that line of thinking.

 

[cassiez76]

I was an only child, grew up and married an only child, I always vowed I would never have just one child........I had 2 sons, but it is your decision, not anyone elses

wow, that's me to a T minus the 2nd son...for now.

the only reason i want to have another is for my son not to have to deal with losing a parent by himself as an only child.

i'm an only only only...only child, only grandchild on both sides and child of an only child. my family is extremely small. since losing my dad 5 years ago when i was 29, it was the hardest thing...not having a sibling to talk about it with. none of my friends have experienced it, so they don't understand.

that's the reason i want my son to have a sibling.

my parents were happy with their only and could afford only an only!

do what's best for you!!

 

[kosto6]

We have 4 children and everyone has an opinion about us having "so" many kids. It is perfect for us and that's whats important. We were told we were crazy for having more after having a girl and a boy. like a pp said the worst thing about it is that everything is made for a family of 4.

 

[Arabella1978]

OP I understand! I'm an only child and my parents got the 'when are you having another kid' thing all the time when I was growing up! Pepole need to mind their own beeswax!

I will say that my experience with being an only child is that I wish my parents had made a different decision. I don't blame them for having only one (my mom had fertility probs) but I wish they would have adopted at least.

I am just terrified of the day that both my parents are gone and I have no one left who can 'reminisce' with me about them the way a sibling would. You KWIM? Like the way my dad flipped the pancakes and pretended to talk like popeye on Sunday mornings, or how my mom always forgot to take the cookies out of the oven and routinely set of the smoke alarms etc... when that day comes when they are both gone it will be just me...it makes me sad.

I had three kids because I'm trying to give my kids a different experience....but the funny thing is people always tell me they "hope I'm done" because I have my "hands full as it is"....people will always try to tell you that you either don't have enough kids or that you have too many. Parents get to make that decision for themselves. In a way I'm glad I was an only because if I hadn't been I might not have overcompensated and had my three kiddos...I'd probably have stopped at two and missed out on something great!

Do what is right for your family and the rest will work out. Ignore people who are nosy and tell you what you should do. Hugs

 

[CampbellScot]

My husband is an only child. He never once had a problem with it. He never "longed for siblings" or someone to play with. Not once. It's rather interesting to see him as a father to two children. He often misses the sibling by play that goes on...the things they do to nudge each other. When he does see it, it absolutely EXASPERATES him to death. He'll turn to me and say "WHY do they do that kind of garbage to each other?! I don't get it. I am SO glad I never had to deal with that as a kid...that would have driven me INSANE!!" As the middle kid in a family of three I understand that they nudge each other b/c that's what kids tend to do. It's part of the sibling relationship.

Point being...only children are not automatically "lonely". Just as they are not spoiled merely b/c they are the only child. My husband certainly was not spoiled. To suggest such a thing is ridiculous. My husband had chores and expectations for behavior and rules to follow. There was no one to blame things on or share chores with. He never had anyone to pick up the slack for him either. It was all on him. And that made him the driven, resourceful and very successful person he is today, I have no doubt about that.

My husband loved being an only child. He says so frequently.