why do people care how many kids you choose to have?

[Tiggs14]

We have two young boys that are 16 months apart we are constantly asked when we'll try again for "our girl"...we have no intentions of having any more kids as the boys we have are more than a handful.

It annoys me to no end that people assume we need a girl to complete our family. Our boys are best friends a girl would likely be the odd one out logically looking at it but nobody looks at it logically.

My sister has 4 girls and they despirately want a boy they get the opposite reaction when she mentions having another...why is it that they aren't required to have a boy to complete their family but we're expected to have a girl to complete ours...

Be happy it's your choice and don't put thought into it because others question your family. Only you and your husband know what is best for your family!

 

[Amy8888]

Aww, thanks guys. It took several years of joining different message boards and getting offended, dealing with my own family and a MIL who is disappointed that I work AND that her other DIL homeschools, etc. to reach that conclusion. Seriously. You can't make anyone else happy so don't even try.

 

[ToyStoryBo]

I get it from the other end of the spectrum as well. I have 5 kids, and for the longest time people would ask if we knew what caused it, etc. People can be rude, and I just don't understand why anyone would feel it is their place to comment on the number of children someone has or doesn't have.

I am an only child, and chose to have a big family, but I have never commented on anyone else's "status".

ETA- I forgot to mention that all 5 of our kids are boys, so we were also always asked if we were going to keep trying for a girl. It gets old. All I wanted were healthy babies. So sick of people commenting on my 5 boys. Luckily, 4 of them are in school now, so when I run errands, it's usually just me and the baby......but then they think I only have the one.....ugh. Can't win for losing!

 

[betsywdw]

I have to say that I have really enjoyed reading this thread. I have an only DD and cannot tell you how often people are asking when we are having another. My reasoning is that my DH is completely fine with having just one. I would love to have a 2nd but if he is not totally on board, then I will be happy with 1. Most days I am totally fine with just having 1 but in my mind I always envisioned us with 2 children. I don't think people realize how hurtful it can be when asked these questions. It's not always an easy decision and I never have even thought to question anyone on such a thing.

 

[rszdtrvl]

I have an only child too. He just turned 13.

When DH and I found out I was pregnant (planned pregnancy) we actually shook hands and agreed on only one.

There has never been a time when we wanted another child.

I honestly think A LOT of people are having only one child. By choice.

My son has a mother and a father who love him to pieces.

My MIL said that DH and I were "bound to have a lot of kids" because both her and my mother have 4 children. Needless to say, I think that DH and I, both being the oldest, had at least a bit to do with us only having one child.

 

[MollyAnna]

I accidentally clicked on this thread and ended up reading every post! I guess this subject hits home with most people.

I came from a large extended family and DH has a very small one - his parents are both only children, and he only had one grandmother. He has one sister who is 5 years younger, so they weren't (and still aren't) close. I always knew I wanted a large family, so we've had 4 children. I would have more, but DH put his foot down!

Anyway, when we told my in-laws about our third pregnacy, my MIL just looked very shocked and said "Why? You already have a boy and a girl." Alrighty, then! I guess hoping for some excitement or congratulations was asking for too much. When we told them about our fourth pregnancy, she actually cried! As you can imagine, this did not foster good harmony in our relationship. 4 years later I'm still irritated.

I just don't understand this need people have to ask about what is obviously a very personal decision. If someone only wants one child, why in the world would people want you to have another? How many stories have you heard about children growing up in large families and knowing they were not wanted? I say good for you for knowing what is right for you and your family. It's no one else's business.

 

[Befferk]

We have an only here too and it makes my blood boil that people have to point out that it is not the right decision for us. I have a cousin who is the same age as me and she asked me once, I think before her 3rd or 4th if I thought she was crazy for wanting another child. I told her that she would know when her family was complete - she would feel it. I felt it after one. She felt it after 5. No biggie in my book! I love her kids to death. End of story.

When people tell you that your child needs to have siblings so they have someone to lean on when they are older, that is complete BS. Having siblings does not mean you automatically get along with them as adults, and it sure doesn't mean that they are going to help you out when your parents need care in their old age - seen that a LOT lately where they just turn tail and run, and you are the one left to deal with it on your own anyway. I have yet to hear one valid, cover-all, blanket argument as to why having an only child is bad. I also don't believe that my child will be such a social misfit in life that I must spawn his only playmates.

K, off my soap box Jealousy is abound in today's society!

 

[deerhart]

I am in the same boat.In my case I was only ableto have one.I am constantly told how selfish I am, and that I am denying my daughter a good life( this by FAMILY members),it makes no difference that this was not a choice I made, but that was made for me for life threatening health issues.I am constantly criticzed.I laugh when people say " she needs a sibling so when you and your husband pass on eventually she won't have to be alone"...I laugh because it is such BS..I have 2 brothers, one I don't talk to at all and haven't for years.The other I talk to everyday, but he tends to rely on me and his wife to pretty much do everything for him.My husband has a brother who he talks to once or twice a year.Haveing a sibling does not guarantee closeness or help when you need it .

One thing my parents always told me (as I always seemed to be at odds with my blood relatives) was that I couldn't choose whom I was related to, but I COULD choose my family. A good number of the people that I have called family over my life have not been related to me by blood and it has been MY choice to make them part of my family.

My mother is one of 4, my dad one of 6 and they are not close to any of their siblings. My MIL has a sister that she is not close to, so no having a sibling doesn't mean you still won't end up alone.

Now I will say that this IS something we actively try to cultivate between our boys. We want them to siblings and friends (they are only 2.5 years apart). We want them to have an open, good, and equal relationship between the two of them for the rest of their lives. We want this because we have seen the frustrations of our parents dealing with the closed and unequal relationships with their siblings. Also, both of my boys compliment and annoy the heck out of each other and I think things will be easier on both of them growing up, if they have someone their own age they can rely on!

 

[mommy4]

We have 4 children, 3 bio. DS and 1 adopted DD. We have always wanted a large family and we both would actually love to have more. We want to adopt again someday in the future if we can come up with the funding. However my MIL says to me "You can't save every child and I think you have enough". Well... I am extremely irritated that she would say something like this. We hardly ever ask her or anyone else to help us with our children and more importantly our DD was adopted because we wanted another child not to "save" her.
Anyway, just had to vent!

 

[DawnM]

We no longer get that question.

We fixed it. We had two bio boys and then when we adopted, we adopted a BOY.....noone had any words for us (at least not to our face!)

We have two young boys that are 16 months apart we are constantly asked when we'll try again for "our girl"...we have no intentions of having any more kids as the boys we have are more than a handful.

It annoys me to no end that people assume we need a girl to complete our family. Our boys are best friends a girl would likely be the odd one out logically looking at it but nobody looks at it logically.

My sister has 4 girls and they despirately want a boy they get the opposite reaction when she mentions having another...why is it that they aren't required to have a boy to complete their family but we're expected to have a girl to complete ours...

Be happy it's your choice and don't put thought into it because others question your family. Only you and your husband know what is best for your family!

 

[melancholywings]

We have an only. We decided to stop at one because we wanted to provide her with a life style and travel that multiples would not allow. I want to be able to help her with college and other things. And she has never been a kid that's wanted or asked for a sibling. She is everything I've ever wanted out of life. I can't imagine anything more perfect for me than our family of three.

We got the 'when are you having another' question from our families for awhile. Until I started responding with 'You barely see the one I have, why add another?'

 

[Khiyo]

What's all that matter is that you and your family are happy. No one can tell you what you should do in your life.

 

[Nina1]

You know, this topic never ceases to drive me crazy. Unfortunately, what some very insensitive, rude and full of themself people fail to realize when making ignorant comments about people who "only" have one child is this...perhaps it was NOT their choice. Perhaps they were only able to have one child - not by choice but because, unlike some people, there are women in the world who don't get pregnant every time their husband looks at them. Perhaps the woman with "only" one child has a medical condition that prevented her from getting pregnant a second time. Perhaps said medical condition would have resulted in death for the mother or child. Or, perhaps the woman with "only" one child had three devastating miscarriages while trying to add to her family. Or, perhaps, the woman with "only" one child had to have test upon painful test to find out why she wasn't getting pregnant and had to use expensive, advanced medical techonology to have the "only" one precious child she does have. And finally, although she wishes you well, perhaps this woman with "only" one child is not remotely interested in hearing about your 25 children and how you're contemplating a 26th. I know I'm ranting, but as the mother of an "only" child who is unable to have any more, I'm sick and tired of this kind of ignorance and selfishness. Instead of focusing on other people's lives, people should get on their knees and thank God for what they have. In closing...here's a newsflash...this mother of an "only" child loves him more than she has anything in her entire life. And, I happen to think that three is the perfect family, not four.