why do people care how many kids you choose to have?

[princessmom29]

I wonder if birth order plays a factor in deciding whether to have one or more children. I also wonder if scarce resources growing up also plays a factor in people's decisions.

A while back I had a discussion with my best friend about this very thing. She wants a house full of kids whereas I will be happy if my husband and I can have just one. She acted as though I was the worst person in the world for only wanting one. She was the coddled 'baby' of the family who was always taken care of by older sibs. I was the oldest and always the built-in babysitter for my two younger sisters (and what seemed like dozens of younger cousins ) Perhaps I am suffering nurture burnout and only have it in me to love my (hopefully ) future one and only (though if I have twins I will be very happy too.)

FYI, I'm not saying at all that the youngest kids in every family gets coddled and never has to do anything, so please no flames. This was just anecdotal to her family.

I am older than my sister by 6 1/2 years and it was only the two of us growing up. I can remeber being and only, and remember when my sister came along. I realize that it isn't very charitible, but I can remeber as a 6 year old wishing I could give her back, and as I got older resenting all the things I couldn't do because she was to little to do them and Mom wouldn't tell her no. I think you are right and in certian situations our decisions are likely colored by our experiences in our own families. I'm not saying that every oder sibling felt like I did, but i think my feelings about it have at least a little to do with hte decision to have an only. I loved being the only and did't ask for a sibling, ever. I has a calm personality and hated conflit. My sister is high drama and high need all the time. It wasn't a good mix when we were children, and even now I can only deal with the chaos in controlled doses.

 

[Redpepperflakes14]

I am older than my sister by 6 1/2 years and it was only the two of us growing up. I can remeber being and only, and remember when my sister came along. I realize that it isn't very charitible, but I can remeber as a 6 year old wishing I could give her back, and as I got older resenting all the things I couldn't do because she was to little to do them and Mom wouldn't tell her no. I think you are right and in certian situations our decisions are likely colored by our experiences in our own families. I'm not saying that every oder sibling felt like I did, but i think my feelings about it have at least a little to do with hte decision to have an only. I loved being the only and did't ask for a sibling, ever. I has a calm personality and hated conflit. My sister is high drama and high need all the time. It wasn't a good mix when we were children, and even now I can only deal with the chaos in controlled doses.

Goodness, I could have written your post! I was about five and a half when my middle sis was born and 14 when the youngest was born (I was none to pleased about that development at first, but I love my youngest sister -- I love them both, but it was exhausting playing second mommy. Of course everyone thought the youngest was my child and that didn't help!) I too was very easy going, quiet, kept to myself and absolutely hate chaotic situations -- and I never asked for brothers or sisters, not that it was my decision. My middle sis had a lot of emotional problems, so it was always tense when we were growing up, and she took up a lot of parental time. It's funny how my family still doesn't understand why I moved 600 miles away and only visit twice a year -- they are too crazy-making and I like peace. Luckily, I don't get the 'when are you having kids?' question every time I turn around.

 

[hereyago]

I am an only-thank goodness-but that is a whole different thread. I have an only dd11, I am good. Don't need or want anymore. People are just nosy.

I am divorced, so I get the whole'When are you going to marry again, he might want to have a family. Then I say I may live with someone, but marrying nope. then you get the if you don' thave anyone, you will die alone? WTH? Unless you die together, you will die alone.

A friend had her second at 42 years old, her husband just turned 50. Ok, if he didn't help really with the first kid, why would you have another just to whine he doesnt help with this one?

 

[melisandes]

My daughter was an only for ten years. I never regretted that decision and believe that you should not regret it either. The only reason I had more children is that I remarried and wanted children with my new husband. Nyssa actually preferred being an only child. If I had not been blessed with my three little ones I would have continued to be happy with just one child. Just forget the person at work and enjoy your little one.

 

[C&G'sMama]

I might do this JUST for the reaction alone. Heehee. And on the other hand, she might grow up, marry a man and keep her maiden name. One of my best friends did this and her kids surname is hyphenated. I will love her no matter what she chooses to do as an adult or who she choose to marry. But man, this reply is getting filed away and the next time the subject is brought up, I might zing it right on out there

I think that's funny! My kids have 2 moms. I changed my last name to my partners since I'm the youngest of 7 with 5 brothers who carried on the name. She has 1 brother who married later in life and he and his wife never had children.

As to the OP. It's no one's business. You say once in a while you have a twinge of guilty for your decision. Truth be told there are sometimes just for a moment I wonder how much easier life would have been if we stopped at one as number 2 is a handful (then my Catholic guilt for having such a thought kicks in).

Enjoy. We all make the decisions that are best for us.

 

[RMulieri]

I am in the same boat.In my case I was only ableto have one.I am constantly told how selfish I am, and that I am denying my daughter a good life( this by FAMILY members),it makes no difference that this was not a choice I made, but that was made for me for life threatening health issues.I am constantly criticzed.I laugh when people say " she needs a sibling so when you and your husband pass on eventually she won't have to be alone"...I laugh because it is such BS..I have 2 brothers, one I don't talk to at all and haven't for years.The other I talk to everyday, but he tends to rely on me and his wife to pretty much do everything for him.My husband has a brother who he talks to once or twice a year.Haveing a sibling does not guarantee closeness or help when you need it .

 

[auralia]

I want 2 children but that's just my personal opinion, if yours is one why shouldn't you be entitled to that opinion? I would never judge you for it... i question the people that have more children then they can afford but it still isn't my business as long as you can afford the children you have and love them all it doesn't matter if its 1 or 20 what matters is they are nice well adjusted citizens who knew/know their parents love them.

 

[Kat&Dom]

I think that there is so much guilt with being a parent that some people don't realize how aggressive or hurtful their attitude/comments can be. When I was pregnant with my son, my doctor sat down and told me - every decision you make will be full of guilt and judgment - you will feel guilt and people will judge you so you have to decide what is right for you and your family and know that you will feel guilt no matter what you decide. That was the best parenting advice that I got because it is totally true.

Parenting is also about each families priorities. My brother and his wife feel it is very important for their children to be dressed in name brand clothes only so they pay $70 for a t-shirt and $150 for a pair of jeans - I buy everything on sale or second hand for my son because my priority is on saving money so that we can travel. We grew up wearing second hand clothing so my brother wants to provide different for his children. I didn't mind second hand clothing growing up because it was always new to me. We grew up in the same household but feel completely different about it so it affects how we parent.

I believe that each family needs to do what works for them as a family and be happy. Life is too short and worrying about other people just causes stress.

 

[Poohbug]

I am one of five kids and always thought that having one child was a bad idea. Well, when I had my own, I changed my mind. Even though I do have more than one child, I perfectly respect the decision to only have one. Children are a lot of work and if one is what you want-you have the right to make that decision.

BTW-parents of one are not the only ones who get asked if they are going to have another. I have three boys and get asked all the time if I am going to try again for a girl. No thank you-I have great hopes that my diaper changing days will be over soon.

 

[MinnieForMe]

You should not feel guilty at all! We have many friends who have made the decision to only have one child! I don't see their children as any more spoiled than my three with the exception that they are able to travel a little easier than we do.

Many of them also already have fully funded college funds and my three do not. It's your decision and one you are happy with. Don't second guess yourself!

 

[jpeka65844]

We have 1 child, and I am usually very happy with this decision. We can do lots of stuff with him that we couldn't afford to do if we have another. Me and DH also love spending time alone and are able to do that frequently. While I love my son more than anything else on the planet, I'm not a "supermom" type of mom. I acutally look forward to him becomming an adult and us having a great adult type of relationship! You know, hanging out, drinking beer, and talking politics and stuff.

But why does everyone think it's a bad decision? Recently I was talking with a coworker (3 kids) and she went on and on about how great it was to have them and how I must have more because when I'm 50 I'll regret it and my son will be spoiled (he is by my parents, not by me!) and he'll miss having siblings. Anyway, this totally depressed me and made me doubt our decision. DH is perfectly fine with not having anymore, and he's excited about graduating nursing school next year so we (all of us) can travel the world together.

Seeing the other post about kid #s made me realize that everyone comments on this very personal decision. Like, you're a freak unless you have exactly 2 children, one boy and one girl. Why do they care? Why do they make us doubt our carefully weighed and agonized decision? Is there really a magical # of kids that make life perfect.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I've been bummed ever since my discussion with the person because I don't really feel the desire for another one; and I feel guitly for that!

PS: D1sneyf4n This isn't directed at you, I know you were just curious!

Because people are nosy Nellies who insists on butting into other people's business; especially when it comes to kids.

I'm a teacher and (typically) I don't judge when it comes to number of kids in a family; especially when it's only ONE. BUT, I've been known to have some unpleasant thoughts about families with LARGE amounts of children who either A) can't control them or B) can't provide for them (physically and emotionally). That's where I get torked.

One of my besties and her husband have chosen to be DINK's. Double Income, No Kids. You wouldn't believe the BS SHE gets from people.....

 

[tjlovespooh]

There's no pleasing people when it comes to family size. We had a lot of people make comments when I got pregnant with our third. Apparently since we had one boy & one girl, we were supposed to be done. But then there are others who ask if we're going to "try again" for a boy because although our oldest is DH's son in every way that matters, he isn't his biological child and people seem to assume there's some innate male desire to father a boy guiding our reproductive choices. I've long since learned to ignore the comments from the peanut gallery; DH & I wanted three children, and that's exactly what we have. Who cares what anyone else thinks about it?

So true!
We waited until after finding out the sex of baby #2 before telling my MIL that we were expecting again. We already had a boy and thought it'd be fun to announce the news of another pregnancy along with the expectation of having a granddaughter or another grandson. Well, I was pretty much shocked when the first words out of MIL's mouth were. "Oh, that's nice - you'll have one of each. Now, you'll be able to get your tubes tied." Yeah, since DS was a c-section she assumed I'd have another section and just ask the doc to tie the tubes! I was in complete shock. I didn't end up taking her suggestion - truth be told, I don't know if we'll stay a family of 4 or if we'll go for 5? I do know that when I think about DD being my last, it makes me sad But, then on the other hand - I don't honestly know if I could handle 3 kids. I mean, I wish I could - but honestly .... it might drive me completely over the edge of insanity In a way, I guess you could say I'm jealous of those families that are bigger than ours???

 

[ebtbmom]

DS is actually my child from a previous relationship, but DH has been with us since DS was 3 and he is his father. You would not believe how often people ask us "doesn't your husband want one of his own?". this is incredibly offensive to DH who has functioned as his father in every sense of the word. He considers DS to be his son and gets really angry when someone asks us this.

 

[PixieDust32]

Because some people have no life and I guess nothing better to do. If you have 1 kid, they have the nerve to tell you how bad it is, that kids need siblings, bla bla, if you have more then why you have so many. If you work outside the house, how dare you having kids and want to have a career, if you are SAHM how come don't you work. People need to mind their own business.

My children are from my first marriage and DH and I decided not to get pregnant just yet, well, everybody seems to care when we are going to have a baby, why not now, why this and that! Ahghghgh

 

[budbeerlady]

Hey OP, there are idiots everywhere who cannot keep their traps shut.

I think people forgot LONG ago that manners and common sense should be used. This can be a very touchy subject with me, hence the tone....

We have only Dd. We didnt set out to have only 1, I really truth be told I wanted to have 2 kids and so did Dh. But you get what the good Lord gives you and I have 1 wonderful kid. What drives me nuts is how 70% of the world feels the need to comment on my situation. (Or on anyones situation whether they had 4 boys, 2 kids, 6 girls or none at all.) People just cannot keep their mouths shut.

Dont let other people make you second guess yourself. You know your life and circumstances best. When insensitive people start talking I just tell them "We are blessed to have our Dd" and if that doesnt end it I walk away. Life is too short and I would NEVER comment on anyones family size or lack of. You dont know what others are going thru and its none of our business.

 

[NemoMOm]

I have always felt this way. For a long time due to medical reasons I could not get pregnant with DS #2. People were constantly asking why we were not having another and then wanted to know "why" we could not concieve

Now I'm pregnant with #3, which we have been planning since we have been together for 14 years and everyone freaks out, including my mother

It does not concern anyone since we provide and take care of our children.

It is really no ones business how many kids you have

 

[RMulieri]

I have always felt this way. For a long time due to medical reasons I could not get pregnant with DS #2. People were constantly asking why we were not having another and then wanted to know "why" we could not concieve

Now I'm pregnant with #3, which we have been planning since we have been together for 14 years and everyone freaks out, including my mother

It does not concern anyone since we provide and take care of our children.

It is really no ones business how many kids you have

Don't you love people? I can't have anymore due to a medical condition..I get this " what medical condition do you have, you look healthy enough"? or "god would see you thru your pregnancy, DD needs a sibling"...When did people think it was acceptable to ask about someones Personal health conditions and decisions?

 

[Amy8888]

Haven't you all figured out yet that once you become a mom, everyone has the right to comment on every decision you ever make regarding children?

Seriously, I'm learning that no matter what you do, someone will find a reason to criticize. You have one child, that's not enough. You have 4 children, that's too many. You vaccinate, your child will have autism; you don't, your child will die of polio. Working mothers are selfish because they care more about material things than their children; Stay-at-home moms are selfish to make their husbands work all the time to afford everything. Oy.

Basically, I do believe mothers need to be "selfish" and decide what they need to do for their family, and decide that everyone else with their stupid opinions on your very personal decisions can just go to heck.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Haven't you all figured out yet that once you become a mom, everyone has the right to comment on every decision you ever make regarding children?

Seriously, I'm learning that no matter what you do, someone will find a reason to criticize. You have one child, that's not enough. You have 4 children, that's too many. You vaccinate, your child will have autism; you don't, your child will die of polio. Working mothers are selfish because they care more about material things than their children; Stay-at-home moms are selfish to make their husbands work all the time to afford everything. Oy.

Basically, I do believe mothers need to be "selfish" and decide what they need to do for their family, and decide that everyone else with their stupid opinions on your very personal decisions can just go to heck.

Best post ever!

 

[JUJU814]

Haven't you all figured out yet that once you become a mom, everyone has the right to comment on every decision you ever make regarding children?

Seriously, I'm learning that no matter what you do, someone will find a reason to criticize. You have one child, that's not enough. You have 4 children, that's too many. You vaccinate, your child will have autism; you don't, your child will die of polio. Working mothers are selfish because they care more about material things than their children; Stay-at-home moms are selfish to make their husbands work all the time to afford everything. Oy.

Basically, I do believe mothers need to be "selfish" and decide what they need to do for their family, and decide that everyone else with their stupid opinions on your very personal decisions can just go to heck.

Awesome!!!! How TRUE!

GREAT post!