Why am I so jealous of ex's?

[counteroffer]

So, all of the sudden, there are THREE women from his past knocking at his facebook door?????? And, out of sheer coincidence, all three, out of the blue, looked HIM up.

No, it was not all of a sudden. This has been over the last year and 1/2. I am just finally posting about it to get some advice on my reaction to it.

So it is not as if in the last week they all three because his facebook friends.

While I appreciate people's advice, please try not to blow this situation out of proportion.

 

[Christine]

So, all of the sudden, there are THREE women from his past knocking at his facebook door?????? And, out of sheer coincidence, all three, out of the blue, looked HIM up.

Actually in my case, mine all found me within a week. I signed up, then you start linking with old friends and then everyone starts seeing you and you get these friend suggestions. It's all kinda scary.

 

[disneybound2010]

DH and I are both still friends with some of our exes. Neither of us has ever been ones to end things on a bad note and while our exes are romantically in our past, they were friends before and continue to be now. I did initially have a big issue with one of DH's exes. She overstepped her bounds a few times and DH and I both put her in her place. That was early on in our relationship. Since then, she has actually become a very good friend of mine as well...she has even babysat our DS for us on occassion! One of my exes owns a karate school that we are thinking of enrolling DS in. DH said he wouldn't trust anyone other than my ex to train him!

As long as the relationships are rather cordial and friendly, I wouldn't read to much into it or be too upset. There are lots of relationships that work better as a friendship than as a romantic one. Remember, they are exes for a reason. That doesn't mean that the friendships have to be kaput as well, though. This has just been my own experience. Good luck.

 

[disneyfans95]

So, all of the sudden, there are THREE women from his past knocking at his facebook door?????? And, out of sheer coincidence, all three, out of the blue, looked HIM up.

Great, more man hating on the Dis Boards.. Because you know, it is always the guys fault around these parts...

 

[Buckalew11]

I'm still friends in RL with all my exs, not close friends, but we all remain friendly--I had good taste in men, what can I say? lol -- however, I'm not friends with any of them on FB.
Personally, I don't want them seeing any day to day stuff if I choose to post things about my life. I'm friends with sisters, moms, aunts and cousins, best friends of theirs, but not them.

It'd bother me, probably, if DH was on FB and was friends with old GFs. He's not on though so it is a non-issue for me. I think that is one of the reasons I chose not to have exs as FB friends though--"shoe on the other foot" and all that. I figure, if I wouldn't like it, maybe he wouldn't either but I'd doubt it'd phase him.

 

[CowboyCO]

I've got a couple of exes on my FB and DW knows about it. That was 20 years ago. We've been married 17 years and I've never given her a reason once to not believe that I am hers for life. I'm happy for my exes and their happiness. I don't have any romantic feelings for any of them. They are just a part of who I am, just like all the other friends.

I do have one ex that is a part of who I am that I would never friend on FB because she is evil (And you know who you are, you demon-infested psycho...)

 

[Handbag Lady]

Great, more man hating on the Dis Boards.. Because you know, it is always the guys fault around these parts...

Crazy, isn't it?




I am friends with ex-boyfriends and DH is friends with his ex-girlfriends. I'm not worried, neither is he, and no, we don't have an "open" relationship. (That one cracked me up!). We just trust each other. If I ever thought to even tell DH who he could and could not be friends with, I'd feel I was smothering him.

 

[jazzielady]

My husband is exactly that same way and I just want to smack him across the head.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I've got a couple of exes on my FB and DW knows about it. That was 20 years ago. We've been married 17 years and I've never given her a reason once to not believe that I am hers for life. I'm happy for my exes and their happiness. I don't have any romantic feelings for any of them. They are just a part of who I am, just like all the other friends.

I do have one ex that is a part of who I am that I would never friend on FB because she is evil (And you know who you are, you demon-infested psycho...)

YOU are hysterical...and am I the only one who has had that song "All my ex-s live in Texas " song in their head today


OP I said it several pages ago If it bothers you talk to DH about how you feel...contrary to what anyone else thinks I said...talk to him about how you feel about it

 

[Wishing on a star]

Counteroffer, I do apologize if I read too much into the situation... I am so sorry.

And,to the others: No, this is in NO way 'man hating'.... Not at ALL.
No double-standard here...
I was very clear when I said that, for me, my thoughts/opinions on this kind of thing apply to both myself and to my DH!

OP, let me try to rephrase this....
With nothing else to go on, other than the fact that your DH was involved in intimate relationships with these women, nothing else really in common... My advice is this:

Just IMHO, I think you really need to look further into your DH's motivations for his ongoing link to these three women.
(His reason/excuse placing the responsibility on them for contacting him is not enough)

I am not saying that your husband is really doing anything wrong.
Like you said, realistically, he probably is not even thinking of doing anything.....

Anyhow, sometimes you need to trust your gut and your intuition when something feels 'off' and bothers you like this.

 

[counteroffer]

I did lots of thinking about all of this last night. I read and re-read this thread and I came to a conclusion. This is not at all about DH, this is about me.

DH is a wonderful guy and has never given me any reason to doubt him. When I told him I was uncomfortable with his FB situation, he took care of it and de-friended them. I admit, he did not understand why I was so upset about it because I was friends with an ex and that never bothered him. I also think there was a little part of him that was offended (although he did not say it) thinking that I did not trust him. That was not the case at all, I do trust him but to him, I think he saw this whole thing as that I did not.

Why I say this is about me is because well, it's true. I have never had the best self-esteem and that is my problem. I have always been a jealous type person even if there was no reason to be jealous. Honestly. So this is something that I will talk to him about, but I also really need to work on myself. I know I am a good wife and I know that my DH loves me dearly and would never do anything to hurt me. I just need to chill out a bit and realize that and stop being so threatened by it. There is nothing to feel threatened about. It will take a lot of work, I know that. But I wanted to thank everyone for their advice.

I know there are some that will think my DH is up to no good but I can assure you, he is not and I trust him 100%. It is other women I don't trust. Strange because I am one of them, but maybe not so strange because I know how women think and how they work. So what if a women finds DH attractive. I need to have the mindset of 'I am the one going home with him' and stop getting threatned by it.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I'm glad you spoke to your DH, just a word of advice if you are that insecure you definitely need to work on it. You seem to know that so all the best to you. Keep your line of communication open with him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your last post sounds great!

I just wanted to say that I never did think that your husband was really up to anything... I don't think that most anyone was making that assumption... But, it sounds like there are some underlying issues with both of you, and now you can begin to work thru them.

PS: There are many gorgeous and self-confident woman who find out that if their spouse is entertaining other relationships (either overtly, or on a more subtle psychological level) it is ALL about the spouse. It just simply is NOT about the person..... (Ex. Sandra Bullock, the high profile women in our political scene, etc... etc...)

 

[courtneymarieclare]

Sometimes I wonder if some people know exactly what being "friends" on Facebook constitutes. It's not like being "friends" in real life. I have over 200 facebook friends. Do I have an ongoing relationship will all 200 of these people? No. At some point in my life, most of them were not even friends, but aquaintences. Just because I am friends with them on facebook does not mean that I talk to them on facebook. In fact, the only people I really "talk" to on facebook are the ones I actually have an ongoing relationship with in real life. You know, the important ones.

Am I friends with exes? Yes. Is DF friends with exes? Yes. Do either of us care? No. Why? Because facebook is not real life. Have I ever looked at my exes profile? Yes. Does that mean I love DF any less or have "cheated" on him. No. Because that would be ridiculous.

If DF was talking/messaging/communicating with an ex via facebook, that would be a problem. But simply being "friends" with them does not constitute any of these things.

 

[ols386]

I did lots of thinking about all of this last night. I read and re-read this thread and I came to a conclusion. This is not at all about DH, this is about me.

DH is a wonderful guy and has never given me any reason to doubt him. When I told him I was uncomfortable with his FB situation, he took care of it and de-friended them. I admit, he did not understand why I was so upset about it because I was friends with an ex and that never bothered him. I also think there was a little part of him that was offended (although he did not say it) thinking that I did not trust him. That was not the case at all, I do trust him but to him, I think he saw this whole thing as that I did not.

Why I say this is about me is because well, it's true. I have never had the best self-esteem and that is my problem. I have always been a jealous type person even if there was no reason to be jealous. Honestly. So this is something that I will talk to him about, but I also really need to work on myself. I know I am a good wife and I know that my DH loves me dearly and would never do anything to hurt me. I just need to chill out a bit and realize that and stop being so threatened by it. There is nothing to feel threatened about. It will take a lot of work, I know that. But I wanted to thank everyone for their advice.

I know there are some that will think my DH is up to no good but I can assure you, he is not and I trust him 100%. It is other women I don't trust. Strange because I am one of them, but maybe not so strange because I know how women think and how they work. So what if a women finds DH attractive. I need to have the mindset of 'I am the one going home with him' and stop getting threatned by it.

I think you sound very mature and level-headed. Just need to work on self-esteem a bit. We ALL have things we need to work on. You're not alone there.

As others have said, your dh is with YOU, not any of those ex's. It doesn't sound like he's given you any reason to not trust him.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with him be-friending the ex's on FB. My dh and I both have an ex or two on FB that we are friends with. We also BOTH have access to each other's accounts, and there's nothing to hide.

You have to believe in you, and the fact that he IS with you and obviously loves you very much!!

 

[Boston Tea Party]

I have friend at least 6 of my exes and I have NO interest in any of them.

Then why friend them?

 

[cm8]

Then why friend them?

That seems to be the $$$$$$$ dollar question....I too want to know

 

[Robinrs]

I respectfully disagee with this. OP, I'm not going to turn it around on you and say you are insecure. I think your feelings are valid and I would not appreciate my husband befriending his exes on Facebook. Don't have any real advice except to say: I understand. Best I can say is talk to him about it.

I base this on what I live by: the only thing you can control is your reaction to circumstances.

You cannot control another person, just the way you respond to what they do. If you have confidence you can concentrate on you and how you handle problems, NOT how other people treat you or handle their side. Confidence makes things happen, being insecure causes the fretted thing to happen, whether it was going to at all.

 

[Robinrs]

Then why friend them?

That seems to be the $$$$$$$ dollar question....I too want to know

I meant I have no interest in getting back with them. I am interested in their lives however and how they're doing. Several of them are still in my business and I've used them for networking. One has 2 nieces that I found out are my cousins by marriage and I connected with them, too. One lives here in town and though we couldn't deal with the romantic side of things, we have LOTS of the same political and musical tastes.

My exes are just that, exes. I was blessed enough to keep them as friends, though... all except one...

 

[Robinrs]

I did lots of thinking about all of this last night. I read and re-read this thread and I came to a conclusion. This is not at all about DH, this is about me.

DH is a wonderful guy and has never given me any reason to doubt him. When I told him I was uncomfortable with his FB situation, he took care of it and de-friended them. I admit, he did not understand why I was so upset about it because I was friends with an ex and that never bothered him. I also think there was a little part of him that was offended (although he did not say it) thinking that I did not trust him. That was not the case at all, I do trust him but to him, I think he saw this whole thing as that I did not.

Why I say this is about me is because well, it's true. I have never had the best self-esteem and that is my problem. I have always been a jealous type person even if there was no reason to be jealous. Honestly. So this is something that I will talk to him about, but I also really need to work on myself. I know I am a good wife and I know that my DH loves me dearly and would never do anything to hurt me. I just need to chill out a bit and realize that and stop being so threatened by it. There is nothing to feel threatened about. It will take a lot of work, I know that. But I wanted to thank everyone for their advice.

I know there are some that will think my DH is up to no good but I can assure you, he is not and I trust him 100%. It is other women I don't trust. Strange because I am one of them, but maybe not so strange because I know how women think and how they work. So what if a women finds DH attractive. I need to have the mindset of 'I am the one going home with him' and stop getting threatned by it.

Wow!! There are people who don't go from your first post to this one in 20 years and you did it like THAT!! Good for YOU!!

There are plusses to finding like minds... we all want people to agree with us, but what do we learn from that? Self evaluation is hard but HEALING!! You are on your way to Grownupville!!