Why am I so jealous of ex's?

[NY Disney fan]

I am not undertanding you last part, can you elaborate a little bit? We do plenty to keep the spark alive so I don't know what that means.

I just meant that if your ex crosses a line (beyond Facebook) then whatever attention he is giving them, he is not giving to you. That's what I mean by "leaks". First thing people say when they have an affair is "We were just friends or "Things just happened." Things just happened becuase they start out as friends.

If you think you were overreacting then go with your gut. You know your own personal situation and no one on an internet forum should tell you how to feel (not me or anyone else).

 

[disneyfans95]

Then tell him how you really feel about the friending on Facebook..

And? I love my wife and we have a great marriage going on 15 years. But I would NEVER tell her who she can or can not be friends with. Same goes for her with me.

The issue here is the OP (which she says and is trying to correct). Not something the husband needs to "fix".

 

[lovemygoofy]

OP, feelings are feelings whether they make you foolish or not.

I completely see your point about the ex's and also understand your train of thinking. It's almost like compeition isn't it? Though it's not competition because you have the guy. Don't compare yourself to those women and put yourself in the negative category. You have lots to offer and your husband sees that in you. Have faith in yourself and faith in your relationship.

Personally I don't think anyone is taking time from anyone. You obviously love and trust your husband and vice versa or you'd never even known about the facebook and ex contact.

Your feelings are valid because they are your feelings. You just have to remember that you have the man and that ex'es are ex for a reason.

 

[Luvchefmic]

And? I love my wife and we have a great marriage going on 15 years. But I would NEVER tell her who she can or can not be friends with. Same goes for her with me.

The issue here is the OP (which she says and is trying to correct). Not something the husband needs to "fix".

I never suggested she tell her husband to befriend/defriend them what ever the hell you call it (we are obviously not on facebokk) them I said she should tell her husband how she is feeling

 

[plutotek]

FWIW, I have a couple of exes that I have friended on FB, but DW has met all of my exes (weren't that many) and after 27 years, has realized that, for better or worse, I chose her, and probably more importantly, realizes they wouldn't want me.

The other thing that helps is the nearest 'ex' is 1000 miles away, and I don't have any secret passwords or email accounts, so my life is an open book.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP I don't think this is a problem with you. I think that they are exes for a reason and there is no need to be friends with them. Period. Read these boards and you will see tons of threads about marriages breaking up because of a "re-connection" from Facebook. Some people start to get this romanticized idea of how it was and forget why the person was an ex. Then they start little by little confiding in the ex because they "understand" them. I don't do facebook and I know there are many other wonderful parts to it but more often than not I read all the horror stories.
Tell your dh that you don't think it is appropriate to have his exes up to date on your lives. They have no place in your marriage and family so there is no reason to be friends. He should understand.

 

[counteroffer]

OP I don't think this is a problem with you. I think that they are exes for a reason and there is no need to be friends with them. Period. Read these boards and you will see tons of threads about marriages breaking up because of a "re-connection" from Facebook. Some people start to get this romanticized idea of how it was and forget why the person was an ex. Then they start little by little confiding in the ex because they "understand" them. I don't do facebook and I know there are many other wonderful parts to it but more often than not I read all the horror stories.
Tell your dh that you don't think it is appropriate to have his exes up to date on your lives. They have no place in your marriage and family so there is no reason to be friends. He should understand.

But I am friends with one of my ex's not only on facebook, but in real life. We have been friends for a very long time and we did not recnnect over facebook. We don't live in the same state so we email several times a month and my ex and my DH have met several times. DH has no issue with that. So it is a double-standard in my eyes. How can I remain friends with an ex and then tell him he can't?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

But I am friends with one of my ex's not only on facebook, but in real life. We have been friends for a very long time and we did not recnnect over facebook. We don't live in the same state so we email several times a month and my ex and my DH have met several times. DH has no issue with that. So it is a double-standard in my eyes. How can I remain friends with an ex and then tell him he can't?

Were you friends before you got married? Maybe that would be a loophole but to be honest I find it odd to be friends with an ex so I cannot fathom why you would be friends with this person let alone email them several times a month. Good luck.

 

[ndelaware]

As your husband he should be bending over backward to please you. You are his best friend and partner. He feels bad about defriending them? Oh well, that's just too bad. I don't understand married men who want to socialize with their exes. If that makes me primitive then call me Caveman Jones.

ETA: de-friending is not so much about jealousy as it is about keeping the intimacy and spark alive in your marriage. Don't let any leaks out.

A "best friend" doesn't tell you who and who not you can be friends with.

 

[counteroffer]

Were you friends before you got married? Maybe that would be a loophole but to be honest I find it odd to be friends with an ex so I cannot fathom why you would be friends with this person let alone email them several times a month. Good luck.

Yes, we have been friends since I was 16 years old. I am friends with him because we dated when I was 16 and broke up, we remained friends after that because well, were friends. It is not like I broke up with him a couple year ago and really, can dating at 16 really be considered an "ex" in terms of relationships?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Yes, we have been friends since I was 16 years old. I am friends with him because we dated when I was 16 and broke up, we remained friends after that because well, were friends. It is not like I broke up with him a couple year ago and really, can dating at 16 really be considered an "ex" in terms of relationships?

Well to be honest I think that is different. Were your DH's exes from when he was an actual adult?

 

[starrzone]

Oh, hon *sigh*. I'm going through this right now, and it SUCKS, big time. They're going somewhere camping; why didn't he ever want to go when he was with ME? That sort of thing. All I can offer you is a big . Maybe start making new memories with your DH? Get him to post pictures on his account; that way, the ex's will be able to see how happy you guys are, and it would be like throwing it in their faces . Petty, I know, but it'll make you feel better!

 

[counteroffer]

Well to be honest I think that is different. Were your DH's exes from when he was an actual adult?

One was a GF from HS, another from College and the 3rd from when he was 25. I am not sure if you consider that adulthood or not. I guess the 2nd and 3rd.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

One was a GF from HS, another from College and the 3rd from when he was 25. I am not sure if you consider that adulthood or not. I guess the 2nd and 3rd.

I could maybe see the one from HS being friends but not the other two. If I was being really honest I wouldn't be thrilled with any of them.

 

[counteroffer]

Oh, hon *sigh*. I'm going through this right now, and it SUCKS, big time. They're going somewhere camping; why didn't he ever want to go when he was with ME? That sort of thing. All I can offer you is a big . Maybe start making new memories with your DH? Get him to post pictures on his account; that way, the ex's will be able to see how happy you guys are, and it would be like throwing it in their faces . Petty, I know, but it'll make you feel better!

Oh there are lots of pictures of us on his account. Pics from before we got married, our wedding, after we got married and now with our kids. So they are very aware of me and our kids. He is not hiding it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, the word 'Ex' means 'no longer'.... 'in the past'....
As in NOT currently, in the present.

Maybe some here are more into an 'open' kind of marriage.
But, again, the bottom line is that your husband should be more concerned about your feelings and focusing on your marriage than what some so called 'ex' might think.

Seriously, I see absolutely NOTHING there between these people to warrant rekindling a relationship (aka 'friendship'). The ONLY thing that seems to be the catalyst is the fact that they had an intimate personal relationship... (not relatives, coworkers, memberships, or anything else that I would consider valid at all)

Nothing except the fact that they have had an intimate personal relationship.

No matter what others might try to accuse.... If you are not comfortable with your spouse indulging these women from his past... that is valid, and as his wife, you have every right to your feelings, and to have him respect your feelings.

I stand by my comments here...
This is not any kind of a double standard...
There is no way that I would do that to my husband... I can't imagine having any kind of ongoing friendship/relationship with a man that I had an intimate relationship prior to being married.

Your husband is responsible for his actions...
The fact that he is placing responsibility on the other parties, just because they may have been the one who initiated it is completely wrong.

 

[counteroffer]

I could maybe see the one from HS being friends but not the other two. If I was being really honest I wouldn't be thrilled with any of them.

It is funny because it really depends on who they are, rather than when they dated. At least for me.

The second one I don't really know anything about. I just know they dated.

The third one I know WAY to much about because she was a freak when we first started dating. She just could not let go of him. She is acutally the one that worried me the least because not to be rude, but she got really large and does not even resemble the person he dated. She has tatoos all over her body and piercings on her face. So it is not like I think my DH is going to leave me for her.

It is the one from HS that I don't like. She is the one that lives in my town and she is the one that I trust the least out of all 3.

 

[Christine]

I am friends with a couple of old boyfriends on Facebook. They found me, they sent me friend requests. When we first "friended" we did a catch up post and basically that's been it. It's been great finding out how they ended up and one of them even told me he felt like he didn't treat me all that well a bazillion years ago and it had always bothered him. I thought he was just fine. He's engaged to be married and I couldn't be more happy for him or he for me.

We all just have fun reminiscing with the "old crew" on Facebook.

So, unless your husband is having hot and heavy messaging on Facebook with these gals, it's a non-issue in my book.

As to your feelings of jealousy, as you know it's deeper. Often that happens because sometimes a partner feels like they are the one that loves "more" than the other partner, therefore, feeling like they have more to lose. There is just some reason you can't stand the thought of your husband's past with another woman. I mean, you said you can't even stand to go to a place that he may have vacationed in with these previous girlfriends??? That sounds more like a woman's reaction to a cheating mate than to a past history.

You have to figure out why his past relationships feel like betrayals in your mind and why they threaten you so much internally. Then I think you can move from there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

One was a GF from HS, another from College and the 3rd from when he was 25. I am not sure if you consider that adulthood or not. I guess the 2nd and 3rd.

So, all of the sudden, there are THREE women from his past knocking at his facebook door?????? And, out of sheer coincidence, all three, out of the blue, looked HIM up.

 

[Acklander]

Were you friends before you got married? Maybe that would be a loophole but to be honest I find it odd to be friends with an ex so I cannot fathom why you would be friends with this person let alone email them several times a month. Good luck.

Now, I'm the opposite. I'm friends with many of my ex's on facebook. They were nice people when I dated them, and just because our relationship had run it's course doesn't mean they stopped being nice people. I couldn't imagine not being friends with them, so I think it's odd that people don't want to be friends with people from their past, but whatever.

OP, I know I'm comfortable with dh being friends with exes from his past, because I'm comfortable with the fact that their were no unresolved feelings, and their had been closure. Do you think that he had any unresolved feelings that would be making you feel insecure about the situation?