Where do you draw the line?

[WeCantWait]

I'm with you TeresaNJ. I think adults invited to weddings should only be invited with a guest. Who wants to go to a wedding with no date? Your adult children that do not live in your home should never be included on your invitation.

 

[Hoodie]

My daughter and her sig other have been together for six years and do cohabitate. It is tacky to invite my daughter and not her sig other.

Well, maybe he should put a ring on her finger if he wants an invite.

The invitations were tacky. not inviting an "And Guest" is not. It's considerably tacky to insist to the bride that she should invite a specific person.

 

[DevilDuckie]

No, but under the circumstances, a congratulatory phone call would have been nice. My son did call them and explain why he was having such a small wedding. Weddings are really a pain. Someone is always hurt. Which is why the second time around we eloped!

So he shirked on etiquette. Okay, but if he's going to fail to send them an announcement, moaning about how he didn't get a card is pretty silly. You can't decide you aren't going to bother but that other people should.

 

[declansdad]

What? You mean the hostess of the event gets to decide who to invite? Inconceivable! You men and your wacky ideas...

I guess I'm just on the progressive side. Now allowing the woman to vote, that a whole other issue.

 

[TeresaNJ]

You know, I honestly believe that weddings are so out of control. When I got married to my children's father many moons ago, we had 125 people, and no one was invited who I didn't know, meaning friends of my parents or friends of my inlaws, or parents' co-workers type of people. Yes, some of my friends brought dates that I didn't personally know, but that was fine. I wanted them to come with someone they would have fun with. I did not want people at my wedding who were friends/co-workers of my parents, nor did I want relatives there who I hadn't seen since I was born. When you leave those extraneous guests out, you have plenty of room for the guest/date of family and friends. I know this is a generalization and not always true, but I think for the most part it is.

 

[jrmasm]

Last summer my husband agreed to take pictures at a coworker's wedding. I was rather surprise when an invitation came in the mail addressed to him. I assumed since he was 'working' (not a pro photog) that he wouldn't get an invitation. Interestingly I was not invited nor did he have a guest option. Guess I should have blown my top when that happened.


Kidding!

Well it did happen that way but seriously why on earth would I want to go to a wedding for someone that I had never met when my husband was taking pictures? Sounds like a super great time!

From a Miss Manners standpoint this bride was incredibly rude for not inviting me as I am not the gf or the so or the live in. I am THE WIFE. But I managed to get over it.


What is it about weddings that make people lose their ever loving minds? I just hope this bride remembers to send a thank you note!!

 

[declansdad]

I'm with you TeresaNJ. I think adults invited to weddings should only be invited with a guest. Who wants to go to a wedding with no date? Your adult children that do not live in your home should never be included on your invitation.

I've gone to weddings as the date and it isn't a lot of fun. You don't know anyone other than the person you are there with.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

You know.... sometimes when I read about weddings, I feel a bit sad that I'm never going to be getting married. Like I've missed something in life or something. And it makes me sad/depressed.
.
.
.
.
Threads like this on the other hand, I'm actually kind of glad I never went that route.

 

[DevilDuckie]

My daughter and her sig other have been together for six years and do cohabitate. It is tacky to invite my daughter and not her sig other.

It is not the choice I'd have made, but proper etiquette does not require that the SO be invited in these circumstances. I'd have done it, but it would not be "tacky" not to. Your daughter and partner have chosen to maintain an informal relationship. Their choice, but one of the downsides is that other people will treat it as an informal relationship.

I will note, that I make an exception for couples who have not been allowed to formalize their relationship. There is a difference between a straight couple who choose not to marry delierately and a gay couple who have been denied the option.

 

[WeCantWait]

I don't see the problem. They invited family and spouses/fiancées of family members.
Why should they offer an open invite for guests to bring any tom dick or harry to their wedding?

The OP is not looking for an open invite for any Tom, Dick or Harry.

 

[TeresaNJ]

So he shirked on etiquette. Okay, but if he's going to fail to send them an announcement, moaning about how he didn't get a card is pretty silly. You can't decide you aren't going to bother but that other people should.

Actually, my son's dad was suppose to have a wedding celebration party for them this spring, but for some reason that didn't materialize. Now I don't know what to do. I think sending out announcements sometimes looks like you are looking for a gift. I'm just saying that with weddings, no matter what, someone is always hurt. I've been thinking of having a big end of summer barbeque/wedding celebration, but again, is that tacky? I think it might be.

 

[daisax]

Is there some manual somewhere that says every invited adult gets to bring a guest?

Technically speaking the etiquette is that married couples are a social unit. Engagement carries with it the same courtesy -- social invitations go to them as a unit.

Most (not all) but most people would extend the concept of "social unit" to those, straight or gay, who have been in a long term committed relationship (and this generally entails living together nowadays).

As for everybody else, I'm 44 and single, and don't WANT the burden of finding "a date" for a wedding if I'm not seeing somebody seriously. When I was younger, weddings still had lots of singles at a "singles table" and chances are they'd be friends anyway, so even if coupled it worked out fine if I was solo. And at family weddings I'd hang out with the family. I didn't expect the bride and groom to host some guy they'd never met and would probably never see again.

If somebody doesn't know if I'm "seeing somebody seriously" we're not close enough for me to really feel obligated to go to the wedding -- chances are it's an obligatory family invitation, and I send regrets.

I was raised that the words "and guest" were punishable by death. You either knew the name of the people you were inviting to your wedding or you didn't. And if you didn't -- why exactly were they coming? So they could monopolize the attention of the only guest they'd know at the reception?

 

[DevilDuckie]

I was dating someone at the time; and I'm pretty confident that my cousin didn't like him, and that was her reasoning for inviting me the way she did. More than the guest thing, I was really upset that she didn't send me my own invitation. I was in the bridal party and I lived in a different state than my parents (I was in my mid-20's), but I didn't even get the courteousy of my own invitation, guest or no guest. An invitation with no guest, I would have thought the space/money issue as well. On the other hand, with my own wedding, we had space issues (fire code limits for the building) so had to limit our list, and we didn't invite people if we couldn't allow them to bring a guest. In our situation, we thought that was the best thing to do, though I realize with larger families or other situations, this may not be the best way for other people to do it.

Certainly as a member of the bridal party you were owed the courtesy of your own invitation mailed to your own home. It may simply have been flaky on her part. I recall a wedding where I recieved my invite at the rehersal dinner- and I was a bridesmaid! The bride had just stuffed it in her purse and forgotten to mail it. (I forgave her, but teased her shamelessly a few years later when she was my Matron of Honor.)

 

[JessicaR]

Correct, which is what I have stated all along. It is interesting to see all the differing opinions, don't you think?

Yes, I do!

 

[TeresaNJ]

Well, maybe he should put a ring on her finger if he wants an invite.

The invitations were tacky. not inviting an "And Guest" is not. It's considerably tacky to insist to the bride that she should invite a specific person.

OMG, I'm sure he DOES NOT want an invite! He would probably be relieved to have an excuse to not go. I was offended that my cousin would put my grown, adult daughter and my grown, adult son, neither of who live with me, on my invitation, and tell me she wasn't allowing them to bring guests because neither one were married or engaged. That to me is tacky, rude, whatever you want to call it. Just send them their own invitation, with or without guest, and leave it at that. I was offended at the thought that the bride or her parents could deem who they thought was in a long enough relationship or not to be worthy of being invited. Whether that is immature of me or not is not the issue. That is how I feel.

 

[DevilDuckie]

Actually, my son's dad was suppose to have a wedding celebration party for them this spring, but for some reason that didn't materialize. Now I don't know what to do. I think sending out announcements sometimes looks like you are looking for a gift. I'm just saying that with weddings, no matter what, someone is always hurt. I've been thinking of having a big end of summer barbeque/wedding celebration, but again, is that tacky? I think it might be.

As long as it isn't a blatant gift grab and is within 1 year of the wedding (and is not billed as *being* the wedding) it is appropriate to hold a party.

Sending out announcements is simply that- announcing that the event has happened because we no longer write personal letters to tell people our news. It is not a request for any response although it is polite for those who are close to the couple to send a note of congratulations.

My rule is that if I get an announcement of a marriage or birth I send a card or gift. Until I've been notified, I don't.

 

[WonderfulDreamer2]

Because these are not any guests - they are family. It's so very tacky.

Number one, all adults over the age of 18 who have a separate address should be invited at that address, not piggy-backed onto mom and dad's invite. Number two, to not allow family members to bring a guest, especially a live in significant other, is tacky and rude. I don't care what your money saving ideas are, it's just rude. Oh, and did I mention tacky???

 

[Hoodie]

Actually, my son's dad was suppose to have a wedding celebration party for them this spring, but for some reason that didn't materialize. Now I don't know what to do. I think sending out announcements sometimes looks like you are looking for a gift. I'm just saying that with weddings, no matter what, someone is always hurt. I've been thinking of having a big end of summer barbeque/wedding celebration, but again, is that tacky? I think it might be.

I think that's acceptable, but I understand your hesitance. My cousin is getting married in St. Croix this year. Everyone is invited that would have been invited had it been a wedding in the States. Needless to say, most are not going. When my mother asked why they didn't just do a small wedding with a reception back home, my aunt said she thought a reception would just be a plea for gifts.

I don't see it that way. I think people want to celebrate with you. Have the bride wear her dress (even if it's a backyard event. Not like she needs to save it for another day!) show slides of the first wedding. Do the toasts, etc. Send out the invites to "Celebrate Joe and Jane's Wedding"

eta: Now I kinda want to go.

 

[DevilDuckie]

:
I was offended that my cousin would put my grown, adult daughter and my grown, adult son, neither of who live with me, on my invitation, and tell me she wasn't allowing them to bring guests because neither one were married or engaged. That to me is tacky, rude, whatever you want to call it.

On the first half you're right. Not sending them their own invites was wrong. Not allowing guests was not, but they deserved their own invites.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I think that's acceptable, but I understand your hesitance. My cousin is getting married in St. Croix this year. Everyone is invited that would have been invited had it been a wedding in the States. Needless to say, most are not going. When my mother asked why they didn't just do a small wedding with a reception back home, my aunt said she thought a reception would just be a plea for gifts.

I don't see it that way. I think people want to celebrate with you. Have the bride wear her dress (even if it's a backyard event. Not like she needs to save it for another day!) show slides of the first wedding. Do the toasts, etc. Send out the invites to "Celebrate Joe and Jane's Wedding"

That sounds nice. Not to beat a dead horse, but that's what I wish my cousin would do. I knew money was going to be a problem for them, which is why I told her parents ahead of time not to worry about inviting my kids. I know they feel obligated to invite them, so they just cut out the bf/gf. So, my son's wife will be there, who doesn't even know the bride/groom, and in fact, my son doesn't really know them all that well either, they're not close at all, but my daughter, who has been with her sig other way longer than my son has been with his wife, and who is much closer to my cousin, and they do hang out, can't go with her sig other because they are not "engaged". Crazy.