When your job impacts your child

[Nancyg56]

I've never had a job that was more important than my child. Never.

Which ball are you willing to drop? If it's your child, then you need to make alternate arrangements with a friend or neighbor to make sure your child gets where he needs to be on time.

If it's your job, then you need to schedule meetings when it won't interfere with his normal routine.

I see that you apologized so I am not going to pile on. I do want to say that kids are going to find that there are times when they are not the priority. Sometimes there are circumstances that are not able to be "scheduled" and children will have to make adjustments. It is unfortunate that a child misses a morning meeting or that a GP has to pick a child up instead of Mom but Life happens and children really do need to learn to cope. Parenting is a tough balancing act between home, school, work and life. I raised three children and while I never deliberately tossed wrenches into my children's routines there were times when even getting to school on time took a back seat to an appointment that was very important.

I don't think that part of our job as parents is to make sure they NEVER have a disappointment. Things come up -learning to cope with the things life throws at you is part of growing up.
He has probably forgotten it already.

My DD says that she is not preparing the road for Kady, she is preparing Kady for the road. Or something like that

For those who were jumping all over the poster who commented about not dropping the ball on your kid. I'm going to back her up a bit. Not in regard to the OP -- but our society in general. I feel that so many kids are getting the short end of the parenting stick. It's sad that we've reached a point where most families feel the need for both parents to work. I really long for the days when there was one parent at home -- for the sake of the kids and for the family, in general. Politicians are now proposing lengthening the school day by three hours in order to cover that "at-risk" time for kids -- the time between school letting out and their parents getting home from work. I think it's just sad we're putting this burden on our kids. Kids getting shipped off to daycare or placed with nannies as infants, extending the school day so that they be supervised properly because parents aren't there. I'm concerned about how this will impact children. So I do share some sentiments of the unpopular PP. If that makes me unpopular, too, then I can't help that, because that's the way I feel.

I agree that it is a shame that two paychecks are required now to raise a family. I remember growing up and my Dad's paycheck covered the bills.

 

[wvjules]

Dad's income can still cover the bills. Just buy a reasonable house, car, take modest vacations, coupon clip, etc.

I don't think it is societies fault that 2 parenst have to work, it is the way we've become acustomed to living that makes it diffucult for 1 parent to stay home.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, i just want to say, as the child of a working single mom, i think you did the best you could under the circumstances :hugs: there were many days my brother and i rode the bus home or were taken home by a teenage babysitter who stayed with us until our mother got home, and we were not scarred for life. if mom had to leave early in the morning, we'd usually have a babysitter stay with us until time for the bus, or they would take us to school. that's just the way it was, and we understood. i'm sure your son understands the nature of your job, even if the doesn't always act like it. please don't beat yourself up. you were put in a bad situation and you did the best you could, which i think was pretty good. i know moms who don't work who can't even manage to get their kids to school on time. one of them lives right across the street from me, lol.

 

[themilesfamily]

My DD says that she is not preparing the road for Kady, she is preparing Kady for the road. Or something like that

I LOVE that. Thank you for sharing that!

 

[DVC Sadie]

I will go out on a limb in this working mom debate and tell you that I probably don't really NEED to work. I want to work. I spent years in school and years learning on the job to be where I am today. I get a lot of satisfaction out of my work and most of the time actually enjoy it. I enjoy being able to provide for my family. That doesn't make me a bad mother, it just makes me a person who made a different choice.

I am another person who chose to work outside of the home when realistically I could have been a SAHM. Choice is a wonderful thing and my family benefited from me doing what I loved.

Why can't we, as women, just support each other instead of throwing ourselves into all of the "mama drama"?

OP, stop beating yourself up and you have no reason to feel guilty life happens.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Dad's income can still cover the bills. Just buy a reasonable house, car, take modest vacations, coupon clip, etc.

I don't think it is societies fault that 2 parenst have to work, it is the way we've become acustomed to living that makes it diffucult for 1 parent to stay home.

What a nice thing to say on thread that is supposed to help a single mom == hence no dad to pay the bills.

 

[NotUrsula]

The fact of the matter is 80% of working mothers in a recent poll said that they would choose to not work full-time and would stay home with their children if they had a choice. But their comments were that their families could not survive without their paychecks.

I'm saying that it's insane that many women no longer even have the option to stay home and be with their children.

And of course, a single parent (for whatever reason) NEVER had that option. My husband's paternal great-grandmother was a single parent because her husband was a POW in Czarist Russia for 17 years. My grandmother was a single parent because her husband had to leave home to work to pay back a debt related to a failed business -- he had to leave the country to make enough to do so, and he never had enough extra money to pay for passage back. She had to manage a farm and 8 children on her own. (Of course, the kids were "home" with her, plucking turkeys, digging potatoes and fishing every day just to survive, until they too got old enough to leave the country to find work, never to return.) I once knew a woman whose father was adopted as a child in rural Kansas in the 1930's -- his father was very much alive but was unemployed; he was pressured by his community to give his seven children up for adoption after his wife died.

Do you have numbers on how many SAHM's who are the parents of three or more children under age 5 would like to work outside the home but cannot make enough to clear a profit after daycare costs? Being a SAHM isn't really optional for them, either, now is it?

Given the choice, I think that 80% of adults, parents or not, would choose to be independently wealthy; it's human nature to want to not have to answer to an employer. Huge numbers of women who work full-time think that they want to be full-time SAHP's, but I'm betting that a fair number of them might re-think if they actually were in that position, because the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. We romanticize parenthood so much these days that even people who are not cut out to be SAHP's will seldom admit that if given the option they would NOT choose it, because saying that out loud makes you a "bad mommy."

Having a "choice" not to work for income to support your family has never been the norm for the majority of parents, male or female. Those who have had that kind of choice have always been the lucky exceptions. In the economically prosperous years of the 1950s and 60s the percentage of people who were that lucky was a bit higher than otherwise, but still never a true majority.

 

[NMAmy]

Jeez, only the DIS can take a mother's plea for support and turn it into a SAHM/WOHM debate--beginning right there on the first page.

OP-- You're doing just fine. I'm guessing that even the perfect parents may someday face the terrible tragedy of oversleeping or having a car that won't start and their little ones may have to overcome the absolute stigma of arriving 20 minutes late to school. It doesn't mean they like their sleep better than their child or they like their car better than their child--it's just one of those little bumps in the road.

The fact that the OP is feeling so much angst over this shows me that her kid is probably happy, healthy, and punctual the majority of the time. I think most of us who are honest would say we've been there. You'll be okay and so will your child.

Oh, and to the poster who wants to go back to the rosey times when all mommies stayed home with their kids--My great-great-grandmother ran a farm after my great-great grandfather died in the early 1900's. Later, my great-grandmother ran that same farm and raised my mother while my grandmother worked during the Depression after her husband had abandoned her. My mom worked when I was a kid during the 60's. There was no mythical time when all women stayed home with the kids. They worked hard either at a family business or taking in work. Often those special little children began working at a very young age. My dad worked in a butcher shop after school when he was 12. That was idyllic, I'm sure. He was just happy that my grandmother made sure he finished school and he only had to work after school.

 

[eliza61]

I have a job that I love, I'm good at, I think is very important, and provides me and my son with security and a decent standard of living. As a single parent I feel really fortunate that if I have to work I'm doing something like this. Usually I manage the working and parenting thing just fine, and then there days like today when I feel like the worst mother in the world.

My job involves working with children with special needs and their families. Today we had an emergency meeting for a child in crisis. This meeting had to happen today, and the only time it could be scheduled was early in the morning. I made the decision to bring my 10 year old to the meeting (he wasn't actually in the meeting, but in the waiting area with a book). I really hoped that I'd be able to sneak out and bring him to school on time, but it just didn't happen. At the moment he would have had to leave we were in the midst of a really heartbreaking decision making process, walking out just didn't seem right.

So, I dropped him off 20 minutes late. All he missed was "morning meeting", but he still walked in late, which as a kind of shy kid who loves the please the teacher, I know he hated. Furthermore, when I dropped him off I reminded him that I had another meeting scheduled at exactly the time when I'd need to pick him up from afteschool play practice, so my mom would be getting him and taking him back to her place. She'll help him with his homework, and I'll meet them there for dinner. This was our Thursday routine last year and he was fine with it, but this is our first time doing it this year and he said he'd rather go straight home.

Anyway, he got out the car in tears (it's also allergy season for him, so he hasn't been sleeping well and by the end of the week is exhausted). My heart was breaking for him.

Not sure if I want to vent, or get some constructive ideas.

Op, Don't sweat it. You are probably doing fine. Motherhood is not a job for sissies and some days are perfectly lousy.
1) first of all, I don't think it's the job. I've done both. I was a stay at home mom for 4 years and believe me there were days when my Dh came home to find me sitting in the car bawling like the baby I just gave birth too.

2) You have a job you love. You are very lucky. so many people are working at places they absolutely hate and despise to keep food on the table. That is one less stress you bring home to your son.

3) I have allergies (hay fever, pollen and rag weed). On the Northeast it's been extremely high pollen counts. I'm a grown women and it's making me cranky.

Here's a hug. try and pamper yourself a bit and believe me, every parent has been in this same leaky boat.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

Not only is your son understanding that the world does not revolve around him (I teach elementary kids, and many do believe this...it causes problems with friends, etc.), make sure you talk to him about your work and how you help people. He can be proud of you and what you do. If he understands, and you let him know that you appreciate his understanding, you are building a great relationship.

 

[KAMKIM]

Dad's income can still cover the bills. Just buy a reasonable house, car, take modest vacations, coupon clip, etc.

I don't think it is societies fault that 2 parenst have to work, it is the way we've become acustomed to living that makes it diffucult for 1 parent to stay home.

Not in all cases. I know plenty of 2 income families that make less than 50K a year. That doesn't go far no matter where you live. Split that in half and now you've got a family @ poverty level

 

[eliza61]

Dad's income can still cover the bills. Just buy a reasonable house, car, take modest vacations, coupon clip, etc.

I don't think it is societies fault that 2 parenst have to work, it is the way we've become acustomed to living that makes it diffucult for 1 parent to stay home.

And when there is no Dad in the house? Will those coupons take care of this supposedly reasonable house and car?
I think single mom generally means that 1 person is doing every thing.

 

[dogluva]

Dad's income can still cover the bills. Just buy a reasonable house, car, take modest vacations, coupon clip, etc.

I don't think it is societies fault that 2 parenst have to work, it is the way we've become acustomed to living that makes it diffucult for 1 parent to stay home.

Give me a break. I don't think cutting coupons is going to put my son through college. I rather work and provide my children with things they need. Whre I live, one income does not cut it, even if I bought a reasonable house and took modest vacations (there would be no vacations period and as it is, as a two income family I do all those things you mentioned). You can't be serious.

 

[luvsJack]

Dad's income can still cover the bills. Just buy a reasonable house, car, take modest vacations, coupon clip, etc.

I don't think it is societies fault that 2 parenst have to work, it is the way we've become acustomed to living that makes it diffucult for 1 parent to stay home.

Any more reasonable a house and I would be in a tent. Less car? A bicycle. And it takes two incomes, thank you very much. Living on one income is not an option.

 

[Nancyg56]

Dad's income can still cover the bills. Just buy a reasonable house, car, take modest vacations, coupon clip, etc.

I don't think it is societies fault that 2 parenst have to work, it is the way we've become acustomed to living that makes it diffucult for 1 parent to stay home.

okay, maybe, maybe not. This probably is not pertinent to this thread but I am going to share what I taught my DD, my DDIL and every other young woman who is is important to me. Make sure that you can support yourself and your family in the event your DH or the man in your life cannot or will not. You do not know what tomorrow will bring and while it is nice to be able to stay at home and raise your children, it is equally important to have skills that are marketable and not out of date. I worked with women who found themselves in situations where they were suddenly the person who needed to be the primary support of their family and some were woefully unprepared.

My DD is a very smart young woman who is a wonderful Mother, a caring and giving wife, a competent homemaker and can support her family if need be, in fact she has. Kady is not always front and center of her list of priorities in that there have been times when I have stepped in to volunteer int eh classroom, or pick her up at the bus stop or entertain her friends for a playdate. She has not ever neglected her little girl, I am proud that she has taught her that there are times when she must let others be the center of the universe. She works and this has ensured that my DGD will have a college education, a trust fund in the even that something happens to her and/or her spouse, funds to make it possible for her husband to not only support their DD but provide adequate childcare in the event something happens to her.

When I was growing up my Dad's paycheck was the primary support of our home but unfortunately, when he passed on my Mom was in a pickle. Women today are making sure that they are not left without adequate resources to support their children.

 

[golfgal]

I don't think that part of our job as parents is to make sure they NEVER have a disappointment. Things come up -learning to cope with the things life throws at you is part of growing up.
He has probably forgotten it already.

Exactly--life happens, I wouldn't worry about it too much OP

Since my job is what puts food on my child's table and keeps a roof over his head, it's just not that simple. Feeding my child is not "dropping him".

This is what you need to remember when things like this happen. Like I said, life happens. DS17 had to drop Dad off at work one day last year. We just couldn't work any other situation out short of buying another car for a day. We thought it was all worked out until DS got lost on the way home from Dad's office and missed 1st hour. He was all upset that we would be mad. We just laughed and said it wasn't his fault. Life happens.

 

[NikitaZee]

OP, even though I did it privately, I will also apologize publically for my first post. It was rude and I'm sorry.

Well done, SaraJayne.

 

[disykat]

I don't know how we got off onto this track, but here's my two cents for what it's worth.

We can't assume all families are able to live on one paycheck anymore than we can assume all SAHMs won't have the capability of supporting their family if the one paycheck disappears. Each family has to make their own choice. It would be nice if all families HAD a choice and would be nice if those who do have a choice weren't criticized for the choice they make.

I do agree with those that say that in many cases it is the way our society functions now that makes that second paycheck a necessity. Personally, I blame HGTV.

 

[GJM]

Dad's income can still cover the bills. Just buy a reasonable house, car, take modest vacations, coupon clip, etc.

I don't think it is societies fault that 2 parenst have to work, it is the way we've become acustomed to living that makes it diffucult for 1 parent to stay home.

Really - I hate to tell you when we lived in NJ in a very reasonable house, no expensive cars or vacations - we needed 2 incomes to survive - do you have any idea how much real estate taxes are in NJ?!


OP - It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job - we all have days like that. I find it hard to imagine that anyone hasn't.

My sister is a single parent to twin girls, they are now 17 and they have not been scared at all.

 

[bumbershoot]

"as a kind of shy kid who loves the please the teacher, I know he hated."

I think that, and having allergies (and possibly being doped up on allergy medicines if you do that in your household) are the key things here.

Even if you had another wage earner in the house, if you were working this same job you would still have the situation, because the other person would have had to go to work at their usual time. If there were another person and you weren't working outside the home, it would be moot and you'd have other situations come up.

So really, it's that he's shy, he doesn't want to unplease the teacher. And he's having allergies, which means that his body is already over-responding to basically benign things in his environment, and maybe he's got a drug working in his body.

So, make sure the teacher is OK with this, and doesn't feel negative about it. Make sure he knows this.

Work on the allergies! I had heinous allergies until my mom dragged me, kicking and screamin, into the chiropractor's. I'd been giving myself allergy shots for over a year, with NO difference whatsoever, and after a few chiro sessions they were GONE. Obviously I dropped the allergy shots and the drugs that made me feel like an alien had taken over my brain.

Other than chiro there's acupuncture and various other things. Find a naturopath, find a homeopath...work with his system so he can stop reacting to these environmental things as though they were poison.

Basically, stop the too-big response that his body is creating, and also make sure that his beloved teacher only responds positively to him (even if you two have to talk a bit more).


And stop worrying about working. You *have to*. This isn't a choice situation. It was the same with my mom. There was no choice. There was no point for her to worry about everything like this; she had to worry enough just to feed us.

Why can't we, as women, just support each other instead of throwing ourselves into all of the "mama drama"?

Seriously, why can't people have differing opinions about real and serious subjects without it being demeaned as being "mama drama"? That's like calling a fistfight between two women a "catfight". Misogynist nonsense, to diminish things like that.