When your job impacts your child

[Pea-n-Me]

I have a job that I love, I'm good at, I think is very important, and provides me and my son with security and a decent standard of living. As a single parent I feel really fortunate that if I have to work I'm doing something like this. Usually I manage the working and parenting thing just fine, and then there days like today when I feel like the worst mother in the world.

My job involves working with children with special needs and their families. Today we had an emergency meeting for a child in crisis. This meeting had to happen today, and the only time it could be scheduled was early in the morning. I made the decision to bring my 10 year old to the meeting (he wasn't actually in the meeting, but in the waiting area with a book). I really hoped that I'd be able to sneak out and bring him to school on time, but it just didn't happen. At the moment he would have had to leave we were in the midst of a really heartbreaking decision making process, walking out just didn't seem right.

So, I dropped him off 20 minutes late. All he missed was "morning meeting", but he still walked in late, which as a kind of shy kid who loves the please the teacher, I know he hated. Furthermore, when I dropped him off I reminded him that I had another meeting scheduled at exactly the time when I'd need to pick him up from afteschool play practice, so my mom would be getting him and taking him back to her place. She'll help him with his homework, and I'll meet them there for dinner. This was our Thursday routine last year and he was fine with it, but this is our first time doing it this year and he said he'd rather go straight home.

Anyway, he got out the car in tears (it's also allergy season for him, so he hasn't been sleeping well and by the end of the week is exhausted). My heart was breaking for him.

Not sure if I want to vent, or get some constructive ideas.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Your job is very valuable to your family and there are times you have to do what you have to do.

Your son will understand this someday even if he doesn't today.

I wouldn't change a thing.

I am not a single parent but I do have a job that is also valuable to my family and there have been times that I've had to put my job first as well. I don't sweat it - it all evens out in the end.

Give yourself a break, life is hard enough.

 

[sunnyday123]

OP, being a single parent is hard. 99.9% of the time, you feel guilty. You're going to miss things, forget things, and be late for things. It happens. I used to try and juggle everything so it all appeared smooth on the surface. But you can't do that, and you can't beat yourself up over things like being 20 min's late. DD doesn't like to be late, and sometimes it can't be helped. Allergies+not enough sleep=cranky, touchy kids. I've dropped DD off like that, and when I picked her up she'd forgotten all about it. It helps to explain to them that things don't always work out the way you want them to, and maybe tell him how important what you were doing was. You were making a really big decision in someone's life, and thanks for being late to school because by doing that, he helped. Kids are a lot more compassionate than most adults.

And I'm a single parent by choice. Because I chose to live in a safer, better environment for myself and my daughter.

 

[Judy from Boise]

What a lovely rose-coloured vision -- it's such a shame that it's largely fiction. I don't know how old you are, but I remember those "wonderful days".

Fact is, mothers throughout time (yes, even in the halcyon 1950's) were usually much too preoccupied with household chores to spend much if any quality time with young kids. Those who had enough money to have household help normally used that help as a babysitter as well, which meant that the kids were equally ignored by TWO women, not just one.

When I was a kid in the early 60's, it was perfectly normal for an infant to be woken up and fed at around 6 am, then placed in a play pen for the rest of the day while Mom did the household chores. They got picked up for needed diaper changes and lunch, but otherwise right back into the playpen they went -- kids normally napped in their pens. Mothers did this partly to keep children safe, so that they wouldn't drown in mop buckets, burn themselves on hot stoves, tumble down stairs, or get caught in washing-machine mangles. However, they also did it because they were just too busy to coddle children while there was work to be done, and the playpen was a safe place to leave them more-or-less unattended. When I was home with Mom at age 4, I scrubbed floors, scoured saucepans and peeled buckets of potatoes, because my mother wanted to keep me busy and out of her hair. She got up at 5, made breakfast from scratch for the family, then shoved the older kids out the door toward the bus and started in on the dishes. Once that was done there was the laundry to start, then lunch to make, then after lunch more washing-up, then the laundry to hang out, the garden to weed, and the floors to mop, plus beds to make, rooms to dust, and sewing to do. Her one break was afternoon coffee with a neighbor lady; I played in the yard for that 20 minutes while they had coffee on the porch.

Once I was old enough to go outside unattended, my life got a lot easier, because believe me, if I was in the same room with my Mom during the day, play was never part of the equation. My experience was like most other kids of that era -- once I got to be school-aged, my mother routinely threw me out of the house to hang out with friends once my chores were done, and on summer days I wasn't allowed to set foot back inside except to quickly go to the bathroom and maybe to eat my lunch. If I wanted a drink before or after lunch, then I knew where I could find the hose.

My mother grew up on a farm in the 1920's. At age 4, one of her primary chores was to hold a bucket to collect the blood when animals were slaughtered, which happened several times a week. She was given this chore because she was good at it, and because she was there -- her older siblings were at school during that part of the day. At age 2, my cousin's children on that same farm now routinely feed the cattle using pitchforks; by grade school they are driving tractors out to the field both before and after school hours, plus feeding animals before school and mucking out barns after. They are NOT hanging out with Dad playing blocks or reading storybooks, though he's "home" all day most days -- negotiating prices, stocking supplies, repairing equipment, and caring for the livestock -- worming the cattle and such. (His wife is not home; she's a bookkeeper for the local school system.)

Today's working-class and middle-class kids get a LOT more one-on-one time with their parents that does not involve backbreaking labor and/or physical danger. The "good-old-days" before about 1965 were a time when leisure for women during the weekday was largely unheard of unless she had the money to hire at least some part-time household help.

There was a reason that women at home during the day 60 years ago were called housewives. The idea that your primary responsibility is childcare is a new one; back then your primary responsibility was housework; childcare was a much less hands-on thing, and came in a distant second in importance. Once out of diapers, if your kids were there they were expected to be helping you, not getting underfoot and causing a drain on your time.

I remember those "good old days" LOL (not my family but so many others). Of course when the kids got on your nerves you could pop a "momma's little helper" prescribed by your friendly MD !

 

[Took]

I am not a single working mother and that is mainly due to the fact I was raised by one.

I've been where the OP's son is...and it isn't a great place. Children have a very limited perspective. So in his little mind, Mom's work is more important than him getting to school on time.

I was raised by two working parents and my DD is in the same position. I was fine as a kid, even though fairly often my parents couldn't be at school events and so forth. I knew it was because they 'had to work" and I accepted that as normal.
My own dd is pretty fine, as well. Work is part of life; she knows that the world doesn't revolve around her all the time and that we do the best we can.

OP, please don't be hard on yourself. You're working hard to provide for yourself and your child. Good for you!

 

[dicar123]

OP, I was raised by a SAHM. One day when I was in kindergarten, my dad had the day off and he and mom went visiting relatives. They TOTALLY forgot to pick me up from school.

When they arrived, I had my arms firmly wrapped around the pole we were supposed to meet by, and was sobbing as if I'd been abandoned forever. I don't remember a thing about it, but my mom still feels horrible when she thinks about it (which is why I know the story at all!)

Your son was late to school and that can be embarrassing. But the world didn't end. He will never be shielded from all disappointments and embarrassments, nor should he be. We've all got to learn to deal with things like that.

 

[susykt4]

I was raised in a two parent home where mom stayed home and dad worked a good job and made plenty of money. My mom was the most bitter, unhappy person. She loved us kids, but hated being a housewife and SAHM. She was so dragged down by her life that every tiny thing turned into a huge burden. I WISHED she had a job outside the home.

My working aunt was my role model growing up. She managed to work a full-time job she loved and raise the two daughters she loved even more. They have always had the best relationship. Now that my cousins and I have children of our own, I watch how she grandparents.

My aunt is in her final couple of years of working and is looking forward to retirement spent with grandchildren and hobbies. My mother is 63 and spends most of her time playing Solitaire on the computer. I realize my mother likely suffers from depression or some other mental illness, but still, as an adult, I strive to be like my aunt- working a job I love, spending time with the children I love and enjoying life as much as possible.

Hee hee, I was raised in the perfect ideal of what the perfect American family should be and I was still scarred by bad parenting.

OP- You rock! Keep up your great work!

 

[JenInVirginia]

OP - My son was the same way. Very shy and wanting to please the teacher. I wouldn't worry about dropping him off late - stuff happens. But there may be a way to lessen your son's anxiety about being late to school.

In my son's case, I would have either walked him into the office and explained that is way my fault he was late, or I would have written a note that he could hand the teacher when he walked into class, or I would have emailed the teacher later, apologizing for getting him to school late, and then I would have shown my son the email, which would have made him feel better. Maybe if there's a next time you could try one of those...

 

[cabanafrau]

Well, since I'm really late to the party I just read the original post & a few more, including the .

OP, it sounds to me like you happened to have one of those days, not that you are a neglectful parent. All you can do is your best. Your son being late to school wasn't ideal, you obviously understand that -- even to the point of understanding his emotional issues about that.

If it helps any, I think it's good your son is gonna grow up understanding sometimes life's just like that -- you can do your best, but some days you're the windshield & some days you're the bug. Not a bad lesson IMO.

 

[princesshannahsmom]

KAMKIM -- I hear what you're saying.

What I'm questioning is the impact that a society of primarily two-parent working families will have on children. I'm asking, is that the best societal structure for the development of children?

My opinion is no and I think the unpopular PP was expressing frustration at kids getting put second -- behind the parents' work.

It shouldn't take two parents working to provide basics like healthcare and food. And I would like to see politicians work to put back a structure -- and put policies in place -- where a family can live on one parent's income. I think it's better for the children and it's better for families.

I'm not all -- put the women back in the home!!! -- but I think a mother or a dad should have the option to stay home with their children and it's insane that in this country that's becoming financially impossible.

I agree, to some extent, but unfortunately our society doesn't always work that way. It shouldn't take two parents working to provide the basics, but unfortunately for some, it does. It isn't an ideal situation, but it happens and unfortunately, you and the child(ren) have to roll with it.

Take our family for instance. DH was forced to resign from his career of 16 years (law enforcement), which meant he was forced into a new career. The job market sucks, so he went with what he could find, which doesn't pay near what a 16 year career in law enforcement paid (which wasn't much to begin with). So, I had to get a job.

Does it interfere with DD's life some? Yeah, it does. Do I like it? NO WAY! But, unfortunately thats the way the cookie crumbles. What she is learning is that food on the table, a roof over your head and clothes on your back don't come free. Someone has to work for them, and for us that someone is mom and dad.

Both of my parents had to work to support our family, am I scarred for life? Certainly not! Did I have some disappointments growing up? Absolutely! But, that's life!

OP, little things in life happen. They will happen when your DS is 10 and they will happen when he is 50. Chances are he forgot about it way before you did! My hat goes off to single parents who are doing a great job like you raising their children. Its a hard road, but you make it work. Too many single parents just give up, and really that situation is much harder on a child than being a few minutes late for school.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Seriously, why can't people have differing opinions about real and serious subjects without it being demeaned as being "mama drama"? That's like calling a fistfight between two women a "catfight". Misogynist nonsense, to diminish things like that.

Having a discussion on a topic is one thing, trying to make a woman feel bad for the choice she make is totally different IMO. Enough already and yes I called it mama drama because I didn't want to get points for calling it what it truly is........

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Out of curiousity, do you work outside the home? Either way, have you NEVER had a scheduling conflict that interferes with your childs schedule? If that's the case, you are very lucky.

OP, I agree with the others. Your son may have been upset at the time, but I would think that this evening all will be well and good with him. I've beat myself up many times over work/family conflicts. Most of the time, the family doesn't think it's as big of a deal as I do.

I'm not going to bash the OP.

I have had times where my mother made errors (one time she set me up at a daycare with bus service--to the wrong school ). And one time after she transferred--I was out of school for 3 weeks b/c she had to go to training somewhere and had to take us with her.

Other than that--for being in the military, her track record was pretty darn good that life didn't conflict with school hours.

Now, I didn't have a whole lot of extra stuff--and that sucked. But for school--the duty is on the parent to have adequate care for the child to ensure the child can get to school on time and have a place to be after school if mom is working. Aside from the one daycare oopsie--I was never late to school b/c of her work issues--mostly b/c she left for work at 6am and I was dropped off at a daycare provider.

It is truly important for the single mom to have a support system. B/c a child isn't going to understand--ESPECIALLY in the OP's line of work, if it happens again and again (even if spaced FAR apart). The OP is busy helping other children and their crises, over time--her own child might notice and misinterpret.

I can understand if a practice of some kind has to be missed--but this is school...and for a board that places such credence on the importance of school, I don't think it is right to not lose focus that the OP should do what she can to avoid this situation in the future.

I was bummed that my mother never went to open houses and very rarely any extra stuff like that---but that's the military life and I understand.

Being delayed to go to school which was my refuge and safe haven--would have been unacceptable and a sign that she wasn't trying. But that was the one thing she avoided at all costs if she could help it.

 

[wvjules]

Holy crap people. I AM A SINGLE MOM! I replied to a specific post about society forcing 2 parents to work. All I was saying is that that isn't necessarily the case. Millions of people do it every day. It is not a reflection on the OP at all. I have been in the OP's shoes. Take a freakin' chill pill.

 

[clutter]

I do agree with those that say that in many cases it is the way our society functions now that makes that second paycheck a necessity. Personally, I blame HGTV.

I absolutely agree about the HGTV (did you steal my theory?)

However, in some places it doesn't necessitate a 2nd income. I live in a very safe suburb. My dd12 and I live on my income alone and still manage many disney trips. However, in my town of Stepfordville, none of the moms work (or work full time) all of them have decorated, updated houses (ours still has hand me downs from prior generations...) and they go (all 5 or 6 or 8 of them in the family!) on way better, more expensive vacations than Disney. I think, at least for some, their parents invested well.

Sorry, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

 

[onelilspark]

My parents both worked really hard when I was growing up. My Mom had a job that caused her to be on the road a lot, we were in day care (the horror!) and my Dad worked late a lot of nights. A lot of times we were the last ones to be picked up from after-school Day Care when that happened. To be honest? I hated it at the time. But let me tell you how I view it now, as an adult, because really, what you're striving to do is have your child grow up into a high functioning, productive member of society (which I'd like to think I am! )

My parents instilled in me, through example, a very strong work ethic. They also showed me how important family time is when we're all together. I live in NY and they live in FL yet I'm much closer with them than any of my friends are with their families. When my brother and I were the last ones to be picked up? We learned to depend on one another and have a great relationship today, even though we're only in our 20s...really, I don't think we've ever had any sibling rivalry. We also learned to be independent. We knew our parents loved us and cherished us, but we also knew that we'd be okay on our own. We're originally from PA and my brother went to school in FL, I went to school in IN. My Mom asked me after my brother picked a school, "What'd we do wrong that you both want to go so far away?" I told her, "It's not what you did wrong, it's what you did right. We know we can go away and you'll always be there for us."

So was it difficult growing up when my Mom & Dad weren't always there after school like all the other kids Moms? Yeah. By HS I was over it. I realized that they were doing everything in their power to give me the world. So OP, don't beat yourself up. It might be tough now, but just keep in mind all the positive impact it'll have on your son down the road.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Really - I hate to tell you when we lived in NJ in a very reasonable house, no expensive cars or vacations - we needed 2 incomes to survive - do you have any idea how much real estate taxes are in NJ?!


OP - It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job - we all have days like that. I find it hard to imagine that anyone hasn't.

My sister is a single parent to twin girls, they are now 17 and they have not been scared at all.

FYI: I believe my in-laws pay approx. $9k a year. And we don't live in an affluent area and our house is nice, but it's certainly NOT a mansion or anything super special. It's a house (that's about 80-90 years old) with a nice backyard.

 

[punkin]

I don't do the whole mommy/wife/woman war thing. I do what is needed for my family while taking care of my own.

I've done both, the working mom and the SAHM and I don't feel like heaping abuse on either side!

Really, why do these threads always degenerate?

OP, hang in there-one bad day will not damage your child in the long run.

 

[ols386]

Don't be...she's wonderful and a great friend.

OP, even though I did it privately, I will also apologize publically for my first post. It was rude and I'm sorry.

That was nice of you.

 

[Judy from Boise]

I will admit that we could easily live on my DH's salary, and I work because it is what I was "called" to do (remember that do you identify as a Mom thread LOL !), and to provide the lifestyle we all enjoy. I did take a few years off both prior to my DD entering the school system, and 3rd - 5th grade. There are no perfect choices, but I wish us all the luxury of choosing between the most options, and not merley based on survival or meeting other's expectations....but what makes us happy and fullfilled. Happy people make happy families.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

OP here!

Wow! I didn't have internet access for a while, and had no idea I'd started such a popular thread!

I feel like I need to be honest and set a few things straight.

1) I am a single mom by choice, DS is adopted and I was single when I started and finished that process. So, if you think this is a horrible thing to do to a child, then the blame for that lies exactly at my feet -- I knew when I went into this 10 years ago that these kinds of issue would come up.

2) My job was not on the line. If I had refused to come to the meeting, or had walked out of the meeting mid discussion, I would not have been fired. My boss and the other higher ups at my organization know that I am committed to my child, and to the children I work with. If I had said that in this case I needed to put my child's needs first they would have assumed I had a good reason and not blinked. But, I would have blinked, because as sad as it made me to see him cry, we were making decisions about hospitalization and long term treatment for a very sick child. This child's need to have the people who know him best, and are experts in his care there when these decisions were made (and the next time we'd all be in the same state is 2 weeks away) outweighed my child's right to be at "morning meeting". It just did.

3) My son doesn't have a "little heart" or a "little mind". He understands, truly understands, that while I love him more than anything and will always put his NEEDS over the needs of anyone else, that we are fortunate in many ways, and that our family values dictate that we use some of those resources to help those less fortunate. In the long run, learning that lesson is more important than whatever they taught at morning meeting. To give you a sense of who my child is, and the degree he gets this, let me tell you a couple of stories about my incredible kid.

a) Last year my son came home from school and told me that he thought another child in his class had Autism, and that he was disrupting the class a lot. His solution was to invite the child over to play since maybe if he knew he had friends in his class he'd feel safer and calm down (this was totally on his own).

b) My son is very focused on the goal of becoming a K-9 FBI agent. When asked why he tells people that he wants to be an FBI agent because FBI agents help people, and they help society and "That's what we DO in this family. We choose jobs where we help people and do thing that NEED to be done."

c) Recently I've been stopping on the way to his school to pick up 2 little kids from my neighborhood. Their very poor single mom is recovering from major surgery, and can't walk them to school. I pick them up between my house and DS's school, and then drop them at their school before I go to work. The night before this started my son and I went out to buy booster seats for the car. I was worried that my son would miss the alone time we have together in the car on the way to work, and would resent having to get up early, but the first morning he got up early to sort through his toys and stock up the car with things for them to play with on the drive. He included his very favorite stuffed animals.

SarahJayne, thanks for apologizing!

I think what bothered me in this situation wasn't that DS knew that I prioritized other kids' needs over his wants. It was that instead of talking through the choices with him, and getting his buy in, I surprised him at the last minute. When I went into the meeting, I told him I'd be out in time to take him to school. He didn't realize we were late until we pulled up at school and looked at the clock. I don't like to do that to him.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

You sound like a wonderful mother that is raising an equally, loving and caring son.