When is it time to ask your children to pay

[Colinsmom]

Actually I had thoughts of letting her pay the airfare, and then giving it to her while at WDW for fun stuff. She would never know that was where it came from because I usually just hand over money for her to have fun with anyway. She has never bailed on us prior to leaving. I also pay for her Premium Annual Pass, and all her food. I just see the small amount of airfare as being a token of ownership, and a lesson that fun things do cost money.

As someone who was in your daughter's shoes a few years ago, I think that you paying for airfare and her paying for fun stuff teaches a better lesson than the reverse. Then she learns to budget her money for what she really wants to do and go without if she doesn't have the funds, just like the real world. That also serves the purpose of teaching the lesson that fun things cost money!

 

[my3kids]

Wow....I guess I am a big meany!!!! My son (actually step-son) is paying $500 towards our trip (it was all his idea to go anyways). .

You are taking money from your 14 year old for a family vacation?? You would have even considered going on a family vacation without him???

 

[SingingFlower]

I am 21 as well, and I would gladly pay for my own airfare to get to go to WDW! Unfortunately, while my 4 year old brother and I love the place, the rest of my family really wouldn't care if we never went again I got a full time job at the beginning of the year (I'm also a full time student) so I could pay for a family trip (5 of us) to WDW in June. It is a lot of money, but it's what I want to spend it on. My parents pretty much pay for all my expenses except for rent, so I'm happy to pay for the trip. It is, after all, the only way I'll be able to go to WDW. I did try to find a friend who would want to go with me so my family wouldn't have to (and it would be a lot cheaper), but I didn't have any luck. Oh, and I have to say DVC points as a graduation present is a really great idea!!!

 

[dbal]

I guess I'm in the minority here but... I don't really see anything wrong w/ this. Especially if she's living at home. I guess every family has to determine at what age you expect your children to start becoming financially independent.


I am assuming that at 21 years old she has a choice to come on this vacation. If not then I would cover the airfare but if so I think it's reasonable to ask her to save for this.

I also think that at 21 this will teach her a valuable lesson in learning to prioritize & save for something bigger than an outfit or a night out etc.

Good luck

 

[TeresaMc]

You are taking money from your 14 year old for a family vacation?? You would have even considered going on a family vacation without him???

I guess you didn't read the entire post...or maybe you did....I do not use one penny of the money that his mother pays in child support, he gets the entire amount all year round. And it is not really a family vacation...hubby cannot go. It was his idea, for the two of us to go. I have also included my niece at my choice. He is 14 years old and has a monthly income of over $400, I don't think him paying $500 towards something he wants to do that is going to cost around $4000 is being mean.

 

[TeresaMc]

And before you flame me anymore we have taken him on many family vacations that hubby and I planned and he has not paid a penny....this is something basically he planned. I look at it as being the same as making him pay his own way to see a movie that he wants to see.

 

[Tinkim]

I guess I'm in the minority too because I don't see a problem with it. When I was 15 my adult sisters wanted me to come to California. I had to pay for my airline ticket and save my own spending money. We went to Disneyland and Magic Mountain. When I was 16 my other adult sister, her DH, and my 3-year-old niece were going to WDW with my mom. We talked about me going with them but it was with the same conditions. I had to pay my own airfare, park tickets, and food. I stayed in the hotel room that they had already paid for and rode in the rental car that they had already paid for but the rest was my responsibility. In fact, I ran out of money before the end of the trip and couldn't afford the ticket to Sea World and had to stay behind at the hotel and swim while they went. I really wanted to go and I was fine with paying my own way. I didn't feel deprived. I felt fortunate to be able to go so far away and had a blast. Those trips taught me how to plan a vacation and budget for it. To each their own though.

 

[chrisn]

I have a 17 year old who is a junior in HS. We bought her a car last year. We pay for her insurance and we did pay for her cell phone until she decided she wanted to go with another carrier (Cricket). She has a part time job (10-15 hours per week) and she pays for her own gas and now her Cricket bill. We do a very nice vacation every year. We have decided that we will continue to pay for her vacations until she is married with her own family.

Just an afterthought. I have a 28 year old brother who is single and still lives at home. He has a paid off car but does pay a portion of the rent and insurance. He has no other bills and is able to save quite a lot of money. He always has several thousand dollars in his savings accout. My parents vacation yearly or twice yearly also. He always pays for 100% of his vacations. If he's with my parents or myself on vacation then he gets a break with the rental car and hotel or staying in dad's condo.

 

[brittsmum1998]

IMHO, nothing wrong w/ a little responsibility. She's 21 yrs old......

 

[Mom to Jordan]

What would you do if she decides she can not afford to go if she has to pay the airfare?
10 hours a week is really not lot. I say as long as she is living at home and going to school and a part of the family, you should pay. If the money is the big deal, cut back 200.00 somewhere else. i think haivng her pay is more likely to make her feel hurt that to be responsible.

Jordan's mom

 

[MEM]

IMHO I do not think asking her to pay the airfare is unreasonable. When I was in college, I lived at home, paid my parents room and board(still cheaper, and safer than being on my own) and paid for my own college education and associated expenses. I worked 20 hours a week, paid for my own orthodontia, too. It may sound harsh, but it taught me to budget my money as well as my time. I finished college in 3 years and graduated Phi Beta Kappa.

The interesting thing about my situation was that my grandparents' gave their children (my parents) everything and my parents ended up never being able to save a dime because they never had to.

In my opinion, you have to do what feels right to you.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm in the minority too. I see nothing wrong with an adult (who is almost completely dependant upon her parents financially) being asked to pay for a portion of a vacation. Several comments on the topic:

Mom & Dad are paying almost everything for this student: room, board, transportation, and some school expenses. What does that leave? Partial school expenses, which she's "paying" through loans. So she's working 10 hours per week to pay for incidentals such as meals with friends, clothes, haircuts . . . typical college student stuff. 10 hours isn't much; her work plus her studying combined probably doesn't equal 40 hours.

So, if she WANTS to save $200 for an airline ticket, she can probably do it. She may need to skip a new outfit and an outing with friends (don't we as adults have to make similar choices?). Or she may need to pick up some extra hours at work. But all her NEEDS are met by her parents and the loans, so she won't go hungry because she bought this ticket.

For some reason, Dad thinks she needs more financial responsibility. He lives with her, so he knows her habits. Perhaps he's irritated that she's spending on tanning sessions while he's paying more for her health insurance, perhpas he's noticed that her car is getting old and she isn't putting anything aside towards a downpayment on a new one, perhaps he just thinks "it's time" -- who knows? If Dad has an inkling little feeling that she "should" be doing more financially, he's probably right.

In general, I think parents are doing too much for their teen and adult children these days; as a society, we're turning out some spoiled young adults who don't know how to "make do" on less, who don't appreciate anything other than the best, and who use credit cards rather than save. Is this true of this young lady? I don't know, but I know that kids who don't learn financial responsibility at a young age almost always end up paying dearly once they're out on their own. Anyone ever read The Millionaire Next Door? The theme is interesting: The author has ample research showing that the most successful people generally had to "make it on their own" after high school.

My parents enforced that philosophy, largely because they were barely getting by themselves -- like another poster's parents, my parents had been given everything as teens and young adults, and they didn't become "financial adults' until late in life; because they have no retirement, I'll probably be supporting my mother at some time in the future. Because they weren't able to help us, they made it clear that once we were out of high school we were expected to pay our own way 100%. We were allowed to live at home (huge house, big family farm), but we had to pay a token amount towards the household expenses and we were responsible for work around the farm. They were not able to pay anything towards our college educations, but we did qualify for some financial aid. I worked really, really hard to get through college, but I graduated with honors and two degrees. The financial lessons I learned were valuable; I'm not 40 yet, but I live in a paid-for house, drive a paid-for car, don't owe a penny to anyone, and have money in the bank. For my own children, I'm striving for a mid-way point. I am more able to provide than my parents were, but I also want them to adopt frugal ways so that they'll be able to live within their means as adults. I suspect the original poster is coming at this question with similar motives.

Back to the original poster . . . here's the big problem: If the girl doesn't pay for her ticket, Dad intends to pay for it himself. She's been living in this house for more than two decades, and she probably knows this. So she loses nothing by "playing Dad's heartstrings". I think that since Dad's already said, "Pay it yourself", he should stick to it.

I think most people are coming at this from a fairness issue -- the girl is a family member, even if she is legally an adult. I don't think there are any hard and fast "rules" on whether a college student "should" be included in family vacations. In the long run, teaching financial responsibility is much more important than being fair, and it's certainly more important than any vacation.

So . . . is it right to have the girl pay for her own ticket? I think so.

 

[PaulaSue]

I had to start paying rent the week after I graduated from high school. IT wasn't much but got my butt in gear and I realized if I wanted to be an adult I had to act like one.

 

[DAWGPOUNDAJ]

Wow....I guess I am a big meany!!!! My son (actually step-son) is paying $500 towards our trip (it was all his idea to go anyways). He is fine with it but he does have a pretty big cash flow for a 14 year old. He gets $60 per week that his mom pays in child support plus he works in my business about 10-12 hours a week for a take home of another $50-60 per week. He pays his own cell phone bill but that is about it.

Please tell me that this is some sort of sick joke...

I'm not trying to be mean here or flame but I'm trying to be honest. One, it should be illegal to take money from a minor who is supposed to be your son! Regardless of if he is your step-son or not he is a part of your family now and he should NOT be working in a business office at that age. Isn't that illegal? I'm absolutely sickened that someone would make their step-child pay for their vacation. Even if your step-son asked to go to WDW adn it was not a regularly planned vacation you should not have agreed to the trip if you did not plan on paying for him the entire way through.

By saying "It was all his idea to go anyways." Makes it sound like you could care less if he is a part of your family. I thought I'd point that out to you. After all, a 14 year old is a KID! Is it surprisingly that he wants to go to Disney World!? He would have learned more about the concept of the word "No" if you said there would be no extra trip. Making him pay for this is seriously so messed up that I am actually laughing about this. This HAS GOT to be a joke! I mean, let me guess? Do you make him pay for his own food too? If you did not say that your his step-mom I would wonder if you were my MIL, who knew there was more than one seriously misguided person out there...

Listen...There are reasons that children are not supposed to work until they are 16 years old. And when you say you are "a meany" you are wrong. Your obviously not intending mean and somewhere along the lines have delluded yourself into thinking that this is a "treat" for him. Disney may be a treat but under these circumstances it's a half given one. Seriously if an unbiased bystander says that you might want to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. Your only a kid for so long. Your taking away his childhood by doing such things to him so early on. Better to tell him NO vacation than to say okay honey, just keep bringing in your slave labor wages and well go.

It would be different if his biological mother was giving you money for his trip directly. But taking his income and forcing him to decide whether it is put towards basic necessities or vacation at such a young age is madness. I seriously think this post much be a joke. If its not my faith in the KINDNESS of humanity just dropped down a few more notches...

 

[DAWGPOUNDAJ]

I guess you didn't read the entire post...or maybe you did....I do not use one penny of the money that his mother pays in child support, he gets the entire amount all year round. And it is not really a family vacation...hubby cannot go. It was his idea, for the two of us to go. I have also included my niece at my choice. He is 14 years old and has a monthly income of over $400, I don't think him paying $500 towards something he wants to do that is going to cost around $4000 is being mean.

It's not a family vacation? I'm confused, I mean, if he is a part of the family and you are then it IS a family vacation. This further shows that you do not consider your step-son family. I beg of you please reconsider what you are doing. What do you think he will think when he is old enough to realize how messed up this is? Frankly I'm amazed his father is allowing it to go on like this!

Also, I understand now that it is not his child support money that he is using for the vacation but if you did not think that you could pay for ALL of his vacation then you should not have agreed to let him go on it with you. Even after reading this part of your post I am still in shock. As far as the child support misunderstanding with another poster went I agree with them that the original post was unclear about that. It made it sound like you were having him choose between necessities and fun in terms of where his CS money went.

 

[pediatric-rnp]

Hi fellow Rhode Islander!

We have 2 sons - 1 is still in HS and the other a freshman at URI. We just had this conversation in our house recently, as we are returning to WDW next summer (2006), when older DS will be 20-1/2 yrs old. Older DS pays for his car (which he bought himself) expenses, gas, car insurance, some clothing, all extracurricular activities, and for his books at school. We pay all other school expenses. He has worked at Benny's since early high school, and budgets his $$ well, especially since he knows he has these expenses. He has very little $$ left over, and sometimes none. He has a better appreciation for our budget because of this, I think.

We came to the decision that as long as he is in school, studying for his undergrad degree, we will pay for his vacation flight/hotel/food expenses when we travel as a family, and of course both he and his brother are responsible for their souvenier $$. He has proven financial responsibility to us, and we don't want him to work more hrs than he already is, as he is also a kid who really needs to work hard to keep his grades up. Also, it won't be much longer before he is out on his own and may not want to come on vacations with us, or be living near us to be able to join us.

Each family is different, each child is different, and I guess there's a lot of ways to look at this question. Good luck in your decision!

 

[HappyLawyer]

i think it would be a big issue if your child just sat around and did nothing, but we all know how broke you are while in college, i mean how many of us put on an old coat found 5 bucks and were so happy because we could eat that day-- i think if the child is working hard and doing well in school, it is ok to reward them with something special

 

[mimif1]

I also think it's OK to ask for her to pay for her airfare. If her parents are paying for all her living expenses at the moment, 10 hours a week is enough to save $200. But you ought to be prepared for her to say she doesn't want to go. You are her parents and you know her best. Do what YOU think is fair. When I went to college, I moved out to my own apartment. That was it for my parents financial help. I learned the hard way how to save for the important stuff and how to study. Now my kids earn Disney dollars ahead of time for their spending money. They think it's great that they are in control of how much money they will have. (They are 9 and 6)

 

[SleepyatDVC]

Coach Rick,

Your family, your daughter, your unique situation,.. YOUR DECISION!

As many have pointed out already, every family is different and you know the actual situation the best. Different families have different experiences, backgrounds, expectations, and therefore, some would never ask their kids to pay and others would without batting an eye. Bottom line is that you are the best judge of what is the right decision for your family whatever what anyone else's opinion.

But since you asked for the opinions of others, here's my 25 cents (adjusted for inflation):

Based on the limited information posted here about the situation, it seems to me (and I may be totally wrong) that your DD is relativiely responsible fiscally but you want to start "teaching her" more about the value of money and how she won't always be so comfortable and she needs to save and sacrifice for things that are essentially luxuries, yada, yada, yada. You don't seem to need the money and after you see her make the effort to get "vested" in this luxury by coming up with the airfare, you want to give it back to her in spending money.

I may be wrong, but reading between the lines, it seems that you just want to start teaching your DD how to start being an adult and you just picked this airfare thing as a lesson. I can understand that.

If this is the case, and if I were you (which I'm not) I wouldn't necessarily pick the airfare to teach her fiscal responsibiliy, especially if this is out of the blue and not how your family dealt with money and vacations in the past. I would agree with others to spring for the "essentials" such as travel, lodging, and family meals and she would have to cover everything else.

If you feel strongly about her coming up with $200 for the trip, have her contribute that amount for her park ticket and you will cover the difference. You have to be prepared that if she can't or won't cover the $200 for the tickets that she will have the option to skip the parks, hang out in the resort, and just meet the family for non-park gatherings.

If you want to have your cake and eat it too - meaning you want her to experience the entire family vacation experience AND make it a teaching opportunity - I would cover the expenses of the trip and have her understand that in return for having Mom and Dad cover all her vacation expenses, she will be responsible for grocery shopping and preparing some of the meals (breakfast maybe) or fill in some other responsibility either while on vacation or even at home before the trip.

JMO - but if my parents out of the blue had tried to do this when I was in college, I would be hurt. NOT because I don't realize the importance of money or reponsibility but more because it would make me feel no longer "part of the family" in a family vacation. Sends the message that either I pay up $200 for airfare, or I don't get to go. Psychologically, if I were included in the family vacation to WDW as a given but were given the option of paying to get into the parks by contributing $200 for the tickets, I would feel that I have the option of chipping in to go to the parks or spending time during out family vacation louging around the pool instead but I wouldn't be left out - make sense? To me fiscal resposibility isn't all about saving and spending money - it's that money has value and that we can earn the things that money buys through our responsilble actions.

 

[Coach Rick]

Lots of wonderful, thoughtful posts, and I do appreciate everyones time to answer me. I guess there are allot of other things that have gone into this delema I have. She is a great kid, but rather lazy. When she is home she really doesn't do much to help out around the house. She has had her license for 2 years, but hasn't driven since she got it, so my DW and I have to play shuttle to her everywhere she needs to go. I drop her off at school on my way to work, and pick her up on my way home. Except for those days she has to stay later, then DW drives the 12 miles to get her. I work 2 jobs, and coach a high school hockey team. I work about 55 hours a week, during hockey season that goes up to about 65 hours a week. DW works full time then some, and has to come home and run around with the three kids, clean the house cook etc... These are the reasons I site as to why I think it's time she start contributing. Again, I want to emphasize she is an awesome kid, never in trouble, and one we can trust, so that is why I am having so much difficulty with this decision. I just have concerns about her being able to fend for herself. Mom and Dad won't be around forever, and she needs to start learning fiscal responsiblity.