When is it time to ask your children to pay

[Belle5]

Coach Rick,
It sounds like you have three REALLY great kids. Do you know why? Probably because you take the time to actually think about developing them as responsible citizens. It doesn't just happen. It's easy to just throw money at them and take it all on as your responsibility. But you are thinking deeper than that. I think she needs to know that you REALLY want her to go. Then I would ask her if it would be possible for her to help out on her airfare. Offer to look over her budget with her to help her see how she might be able to contribute. You are doing great!!!

Mom to six great sons 18, 16, 14, 12, 7 and 1
planning our 20th trip to WDW

 

[nowellsl]

This is off topic, but I have to say STOP DRIVING HER AROUND! Figure out why she doesn't want to drive and see if you can help her overcome that - could be fear or insecurity etc. Get her driving lessons or whatever it takes. She'll never feel independent while she has to be driven around by her parents! If she absolutely refuses to drive get her a bike or a bus schedule. (sorry, this is just my opinion)

 

[Coach Rick]

You are reading EXTEREMLY wrong.

As stated--that post was directed at those who say the ONLY/BEST way to teach responsibility to any child is to make them pay for things. I disagree. My parents raised 4 responsible children, & their children are raising 9 responsible children, without doing so. My in-laws paid all their own expenses as well as all 3 of their kids, and none of them learned responsibility at all. That post was directed to others for the most part, not you. I was simply giving examples as to how it works the other way. You, or anyone else, as a parent isn't even being touched in any way.

When I did give you my opinion in an earlier post, I'm finding following this thread exteremly interesting, I stated all families are different and there is no right or wrong. I disagree with you, but it is simply my opinion. You can go back and read that post if you need clarification there or on WHY I disagree. I know it can be hard to keep track of who posts what.

However, in this post, I was also agreeing with an earlier poster that instead of paying for airfair, you should have her pay for some other expense(s) in the same amount--that it should be a different expense for reasons of different treatment/making her a less important family member.

I will re-emphasize here, what you do is YOUR choice. I don't expect you or anyone else to change what they do from my opinions, but I'll give it when asked. There is no right or wrong--just different schools of thought. The thing that makes the world go round. And quite frankly, I don't think it matters if the vacation is 3 days or 2 months.

Ok, now I know why it wasn't makin sense to me. Your right, I asked for opinions, and got pretty much what I expected; a true cross section. I finally did what I should have done from the begining, and I asked her what she thought about it. She said that she does not object at all to helping with the expense, and she does realize what a large expense it is to take these vacations, but she would not miss it for anything. Dang, she still has a way of making me melt in my seat. Of course she still sits shaking her head in disbelief when I sit and plan, plan, plan with my laptop on DIS, and my Pasporter on my lap. The whole family thinks there must be some kind of half way house for people like me. Anybody know of one?

 

[brittsmum1998]

Ok, now I know why it wasn't makin sense to me. Your right, I asked for opinions, and got pretty much what I expected; a true cross section. I finally did what I should have done from the begining, and I asked her what she thought about it. She said that she does not object at all to helping with the expense, and she does realize what a large expense it is to take these vacations, but she would not miss it for anything. Dang, she still has a way of making me melt in my seat. Of course she still sits shaking her head in disbelief when I sit and plan, plan, plan with my laptop on DIS, and my Pasporter on my lap. The whole family thinks there must be some kind of half way house for people like me. Anybody know of one?

Sounds like a wonderful girl/woman...you should be very proud. Have a wonderful vacation

 

[safetymom]

I am a single parent and I expected my children at that age to pay for their ticket. It was the difference between going and not going if I had to pay for everyones tickets.

My kids didn't have a problem with this.

 

[twinklebug]

My parents did that to me when we went to Hawaii. They said if I could come up with the airfare, they would cover the rest. Not too bad of a deal for a 2 week vacation. Taught me responsibility and respect.

I agree with the above poster. At 23 I was FT college (EE), held an 18 hr/wk job, paid for my own education and (a bit embarrased) had a 3 year old son. Despite all this, I paid for all but the airfare on my little sister's trip to Disney as a HS graduation present (meaning I paid room, transfers, tickets and airfare for myself and DS). It was tough to come up with the cash, but not impossible and it did give me a great a sense of pride in that I was able to do it myself.

But then there's the case of My DH's cousin, who still to this day (at 24) expects the full ride from her parents when they go anywhere.

OP, your talk with your DD makes me feel good to know there are still kids around willing to "help out" and who love being with their family on vacation

 

[MrsPete]

It was tough to come up with the cash, but not impossible and it did give me a great a sense of pride in that I was able to do it

You know, I wasn't thinking along these lines, but you're absolutely right. I also worked my way through college (no loans -- looking back, I don't even know how I managed except for the grace of God), and I was very proud of myself. During my senior year I managed to save a good downpayment for a new car, which I needed badly. I bought the car about a month before graduation, and I remember just staring at it (not that it was anything special -- it was a stripped down Nissan) and thinking I BOUGHT THAT FOR MYSELF. I definitely gained self-confidence from knowing I could support myself while going to school.

Musing over that thought further . . . perhaps we (meaning society, not any individuals) are depriving our young adults of that self-confidence and pride by prolonging adolescence. Perhaps we're trading pride for the easy track: living in mom and dad's house with a washer and dryer and cable TV, picking up a loan instead of a second job, continueing to pay for everything just as we did when they were kids. Hmmmm.

 

[kandeebunny]

I am in your daughter's shoes. I am 21 I am a full time college student, I live at home rent free, I am provided with transportation (though I pay for gas) BUT I have a full scholarship to school so no $ is put out by my DM. We are goign in 14 days and I am paying 1/2 the hotel. I have not worked since June for health reasons, but I can't justify beign 21 and not contributing ANYTHING to the vacation. I am also paying for all sit down meals. I am also paying for the entire hotel stay for our X-mas trip. This trip I have the tickets covered as I have CM tickets from when I worked at the Disney Store.

Ask her to pay the airfare, it may make her want to help look for a cheaper/more reasonable price. If she wants to go she should help contribute and not expect to have everything handed to her. She should appreciate she has a place to stay and free tickets and meals. 10 hours a week may not sound like a lot, but if she saves up it won't take her that long.

Just my .02

 

[weregoingtodw]

Throwing my $.02 in there with the rest...

I agree that it is a parent's duty to help their child be fiscally responsible. However, if there have already been some vibes about it, I'd say that perhaps the trip isn't the best time to do it. Can you absolutely not afford to go without her $200, or can you still easily afford to go regardless? If so, I'd refrain from even bringing up the subject of financial responsibility until after the trip. Otherwise, it's bound to bring up feelings of discomfort and guilt among the entire family. Do you really think the younger siblings will feel comfortable sitting there eating a Mickey bar while big sis - who they look up to - can't have one? On the other hand, will you be able to sit there and enjoy your Mickey bar, knowing your daughter can't have one?

My mom went to WDW with us last year (and is going again with us in May). Since she shared a room with us, she paid half. There was never any question as to her paying for our room; I honestly don't think I'd even feel comfortable with that. I'm a grown adult and quite proud of the fact that my husband and I are financially independent, and owe neither to families or credit card companies! Having said that, my mom is an extremely generous person, and doled out money several times on our last trip for one thing or another. At first I felt uncomfortable accepting it, until she explained to me that it gave her so much happiness to see us being able to enjoy something we otherwise wouldn't have been able to (because we don't use our credit cards unless it is an extreme emergency; and no, all those must-have purchases really aren't emergencies!

Finally, I just have to ask the poster whose 14yo son gets all of his child support. Do you mean it's given directly to him? Does he have a savings program in place? I'm just in shock that such an amount of money is given directly to a child, for what appears to be no stated reason!

 

[TeresaMc]

Yes my 14 year old is given his child support...1/2 of which he must put into savings and I match equally...so he puts $30 and we (his father and I) put $30 into a savings account that we will not allow him to touch until after 18 (hopefully college). So he still have about $300 per month for his entertainment, video games, new bike, whatever (within reason and with permission). Yet I was flamed for making him pay a portion of our trip which is something that was totally his idea. I guess if I kept his child support and gave him a small allowance and paid for the trip in full I wouldn't be such a bad stepmom.

 

[weregoingtodw]

Yes my 14 year old is given his child support...1/2 of which he must put into savings and I match equally...so he puts $30 and we (his father and I) put $30 into a savings account that we will not allow him to touch until after 18 (hopefully college). So he still have about $300 per month for his entertainment, video games, new bike, whatever (within reason and with permission). Yet I was flamed for making him pay a portion of our trip which is something that was totally his idea. I guess if I kept his child support and gave him a small allowance and paid for the trip in full I wouldn't be such a bad stepmom.

Sorry, I wasn't flaming in the least, just surprised (and feeling like a tightwad mom, for only giving my child $9/allowance a week, half of which goes into her savings).

How much your stepchild gets is obviously your family's business, just as how he spends it is the same. As long as his mom, dad and you agree, hey, works for me! I was just really surprised, like I said, and wondering what kind of judge would order such a thing. However, it sounds like maybe it was just your family's decision and not court-ordered.

$300/month, though, WOW! I hope none of my DD's friends get close to that amount, because I know right now I can't possibly keep up with that (nor would I really want my child to have her hands on that kind of money, because I'm pretty sure she won't have that much disposable income as a young adult, I'd hate her to become accustomed to it).

 

[TeresaMc]

Not being flamed by you at all.........others made me feel that I was treating him as a second class family member and no way should I expect him to pay a portion of a family vacation.....I actually was somewhat hurt by this as he is not my "biological" son yet I treat him as if he were 100% mine! He is closer with me than his real mom for sure a probably closer with me than his father just because of my work schedule flexibility and his desire to help me in my business.
The money issue was not court ordered it was a family decision, and yes he is spoiled because we can afford to do so but he also is learning the value of the dollar and he must decide what to spend his money on. He works parttime in my business (paid and treated equal to other employees) and chores to do at home. I hope he is learning that it is nice to have and do nice things but you must also work hard to get there.

 

[weregoingtodw]

yes he is spoiled because we can afford to do so but he also is learning the value of the dollar and he must decide what to spend his money on. He works parttime in my business (paid and treated equal to other employees) and chores to do at home. I hope he is learning that it is nice to have and do nice things but you must also work hard to get there.

AH - good! I'm glad it wasn't me ::wipes brow::. I always try very carefully when wording my posts to not be perceived as personally attacking; as we've all seen, tone and inflection are difficult to perceive from the written word. Three different people can infer three different meanings from one post!

I'm very fortunate that my husband is a wonderful father for my daughter. Although biologically she did not come from him, he is the father in every sense of the word. I have a special place in my heart for stepparents who go above & beyond the 'stepparent' duty.

If your stepson works hard, does chores, and participates in the family business, I certainly don't see why monetarily rewarding him could be perceived as 'spoiling' him. I can actually see more people attacking you for NOT monetarily rewarding him for his efforts! Lessons learned while children are young have life-long results, and it sounds as if your son has a good foundation upon which to build.

For those who object to the stepson contributing toward the family trip, would you also object to him spending $500 on a new moped he wanted? Would you object to him spending $500 on a new moped if mom purchased one for herself? Would you object to his stepmother telling him that he must raise $500 to pay for him to go to Disney with his school band? I'm just trying to understand the source of the objection to his contribution to the family vacation.

 

[TeresaMc]

Thanks Weregoingtowd you make me feel a bit better now.....

Although we will continue to raise him as we see fit, I don't like being grouped into a "bad parent" group becaue like with your hubby/daughter I am his "mom" have been for the entire 14 yrs and I think I do a pretty good job of it.

 

[weregoingtodw]

Thanks Weregoingtowd you make me feel a bit better now.....

Although we will continue to raise him as we see fit, I don't like being grouped into a "bad parent" group becaue like with your hubby/daughter I am his "mom" have been for the entire 14 yrs and I think I do a pretty good job of it.

Aw, good! We have been through our own particular set of circumstances that caused people to question our parenting. I'm extremely protective of my daughter, with good reason. My answer to that type of advice: until you've lived my life, don't tell me what decisions to make (especially when your opinion is unsolicited!). Sounds like you pretty much have that philosophy as well... it's really the only way to keep your sanity in a world of well-meaning but overbearing friends & family!