When is a "it's just a boy being a boy", not?

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well--my son is only three, so I don't know much nor can I provide an accurate prediction of which "boy" behaviors are best handled and which ones are best to let go b/c they are a "boy"....

But suffice it to say--if it is against the rules for my 9yo girl to do it, it is wrong to give a 9yo boy a pass just b/c he is a boy--whatever it is.


My son is 3 and does typical boy things that I haven't noticed my girls to do. He's more aggressive in his play for example.

But there is having fun.....then there is having rude--and rude is rude whether you are a boy or a girl and noone should get a pass simply due to gender.

 

[mjkacmom]

I know boys like the one you are describing. Not exactly bullies, but rough. Most are either ADHD, have older brothers, or both. Your house, your rules.

 

[JerseyJanice]

My son and his friends are always "rough housing" with each other. It's what young male mammals do, but calling each other "stupid and ugly" is a whole other matter. That's insulting, disrespectful and rude, and not something I would put up with in my car or house.

If I hear my son or his friends saying anything I don't like, I just say, "excuse me! We don't speak like that to each other here."

I don't usually have to say more than that. They all know better.

 

[OceanAnnie]

My son and his friends are always "rough housing" with each other. It's what young male mammals do, but calling each other "stupid and ugly" is a whole other matter. That's insulting, disrespectful and rude, and not something I would put up with in my car or house.

If I hear my son or his friends saying anything I don't like, I just say, "excuse me! We don't speak like that to each other here."

I don't usually have to say more than that. They all know better.

My son isn't a real "rough house" kind of guy. I think the boy might have said it to engage him in rough housing, to get a rise out of him because he was leaning on him and man handling him (so to speak) while he was saying it. They were both smiling through it. But my son did say he didn't like it later.

I did say, "That's enough." firmly. I came an ace of pulling over the vehicle. But we were close to the boy's house. I was very glad to drop the child off.

 

[EllenFrasier]

OP your son said his friend doesn't do that all the time, so maybe he was just showing off or something. Hindsight is always 20/20, but you could have pulled over and told the friend if he did not stop, you would call his mother to come and pick him up from your car. You could have switched their seats in the car - moved the friend up front with you.

I would closely monitor this friendship and casually as your ds how things are going with the friend. When he goes to his house for the playdate, tell your ds that if things are not going well and he wants to come home early, he can call you to come and get him. Hopefully it will be fine and was just an isolated thing.

 

[iwrbnd]

I would make all get togethers at your house so you can keep an eye out for it. I know he's going to the other boys house next but I would call and say "It works better for me to have them at my house." I had to do this with a boy once. Then, one time, after I had just had my 3rd baby I was so tired and let him go to the other boy's house. Let me just say that it was over 10 years ago and I still regret it!

 

[Had2stopLurking]

I hate the "boys being boys" attitude. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

 

[mykidsand_i]

I hate the "boys being boys" attitude. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

I agree with you 100%!!!! "boys are boys" is commonly used by our neighbors. They have the worst little boy I've ever met (I have worked in a school part time for the past few years!) It makes me mad to hear that phrase at all. It depends (in this case) on how these kids are being RAISED and what is influencing them (parents, tv, movies, other people in their lives). This kid sees every movie he wants to- and if they don't allow him in the theater for it, his parents rent it for him at home. His parents swear CONSTANTLY (in front of him and AT him) and they can't understand why his language is so bad for a kid who's in 1st grade (he's supposed to be in 2nd, but was held back because of 'social issues')

I happen to know MANY boys who are polite, respectful and not filthy mouthed. Does that make them 'less of a boy'???? NO!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Ocean Annie, your radar is going off for a reason. Pay attention to it, and don't brush it off. Your post reminds me of questions I asked myself a few years ago. My DS12 had a "friend" like that - in the neighborhood. It got worse as they get older. In our case, it became progressive, beginning with what you describe, and advancing to worse name calling and physical bullying. His parents were in denial about it, so the kid had free reign. Ultimately, my son was seriously injured.

I think there are a variety of reasons as to "why" this boy has these types of issues, and I was always sympathetic. But I've learned the hard way that those issues are for his parents to deal with, and my job is to protect my children from this type of harm. You need to distinguish the two. It's been one of the hardest things I've had to deal with as a parent, and unfortunately, my DS has had to learn some tough lessons as well.

When I think of the phrase "Boys will be boys", I usually think of it meaning that they are a little rough, rambunctious, impulsive, fearless, and find things like farts and burps funny. I don't consider being mean spirited, rude or disrespectful to be part of the "boys will be boys" attitude. If he is calling your DS names, and rough-housing with your DS against your DS's wishes, then he is a bully, not a boy being a boy.

I couldn't agree with this more.

 

[Minniemama350]

I would make all get togethers at your house so you can keep an eye out for it. I know he's going to the other boys house next but I would call and say "It works better for me to have them at my house." I had to do this with a boy once. Then, one time, after I had just had my 3rd baby I was so tired and let him go to the other boy's house. Let me just say that it was over 10 years ago and I still regret it!

I agree completely. If the boy's parents aren't really paying attention, this behavior will possibly get worse when at his house. I think I would talk to the parents before inviting the boy over though. Carefully. I'd start by saying some very positive things about the boy first and then bring up the issue. If they are disagreeable, I think I would help my kid cultivate other friendships. Your ds needs to know(as you seem to know) that he shouldn't just take it. Good luck! Tough stuff!

 

[Tink888]

I think with boys there is a certain amount of ribbing and rough-housing that goes on. When it's done in my presence, I have a short tolerance for it. When it's done in my car I have zero-tolerance for it.

There is a difference between the above and name calling that's done in mean-spiritedness and the latter is not "boys being boys" and it's not exclusive to boys either. I've got friends with daughters and the stories I hear about the things girls say and do to each other is oftentimes a lot worse.

I think the bottom line, for boys and girls, is that if the behavior is bothering or hurting someone, then it needs to be addressed and stopped.

 

[tasha99]

This was one snapshot of his behavior--keep your ears open because you can't assume he always does that, and you can't assume he doesn't. I would look at moments when he's being kind to your son and praise him for that in the moment, but I would also be keeping a close eye on them for a while.

I think boys will be boys, but that doesn't necessarily mean or excuse bad behavior. I try to teach my son that it all depends on the situation. Farting at a nice dinner with grandma? Not so funny. Farting on the playground with your friends? Possibly hilarious.

I've noticed that my boys will make toy weapons out of sticks, even when one in the group has a parent who says "no gun play whatsoever," etc. That's the kind of boys will be boys I try to just let be, or at least just direct instead of quash.