When a man has an affair?

[anotherfakename]

anotherfakename:
I feel terrible for your situation. I know how it is believe me. I hope you work things out. I'm a marriage failure so I can't even give you good advice. I hope you work through it.

Thanks. I can always use kind words.

It makes me feel so incredibly shallow for caring about it. There are so many women out there, missing husbands who have passed, who are serving in the military, who have become incapacitated. Women who would love to have my problem if it meant that they could have their husbands back, even for a moment.

I have a man who really and truly loves me, beautiful and healthy children, a secure and wonderful life. Why does sex have to be so important to me?

 

[NY Disney fan]

Thanks Why does sex have to be so important to me?

Because that's how people bond emotionally. When you don't connect emotionally then things start to fall apart and people start bonding with OTHER things emotionally. Emotional bonding keeps the family together.

 

[tar heel]

anotherfake name -- Sex is important to you because, for most people, it's a basic biological need. It also contributes to intimacy, so, even though your marriage is good, there is something missing.

I'm sure your DH's doc must have checked testosterone level -- yes?

 

[anotherfakename]

a
I'm sure your DH's doc must have checked testosterone level -- yes?

Yes, he's had the full work-up.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

There are people who seem to have all kinds of arrangements and what works for one couple may not work for another. The important thing is to come to an agreement as to how to coexist and then stick to it.

Agreed.

Do whatever works for you. Just be open and honest about it.

 

[anonymousone]

NY Disney fan--why are you shocked at what I said? There's no way that everyone in the world has married the "right person". Of course, that would be ideal, but it just isn't so. Your partner is the one you CHOSE, and we don't always make perfect decisions. It's not black and white. You said you were a "marriage failure" (that's being quite harsh on yourself I think), so don't you think it's possible that your spouse just wasn't the right one, not that you or he didn't try hard enough?

anotherfakename--like others have said, sex is important to you b/c it's one of the ways that we show our partner we love them. It's okay that it's important to you; it's important to a lot of us. You're not shallow and it's ok to be disappointed when something in your life isn't going as you need it to. We all have reasons to be grateful for our marriages; it doesn't mean that we should just accept whatever circumstances the marriage drifts into just because some people have it worse. I really hope that your sex life with your husband does improve. Cheating should never be the first choice to "fix" a problem.

 

[NY Disney fan]

anonymouse:
I'm sure you are a very nice person, but based on your posts your sense of morality sounds very loosey-goosey. You don't see black & white. Everything is neogiable and permissable and shadey grey. To me, LOVE means that you don't throw someone under the bus when you get tired of them. Maybe love means something different to you.

 

[Darsa]

he didn't try hard enough

THIS seems to be the difficulty in a lot of relationships these days; I really feel that part of the reason for so much divorce is because people aren't willing to actually work at a marriage, and would rather do the easy divorce and move on, than actually have to make an effort. And not just family; the majority of people seem to think that as long as it's easy for THEM, then all is right with the world.

I have always said that if there was any infidelity on the part of my DH, it would be completely over; there would be no forgiveness on my part when it comes to that. To me, a marriage is a sacred and binding contract, and that is just going completely against the terms of the contract, hence it is broken. Not to mention, I don't want any part of whatever he may have come in contact with, with another person. That right there is a HUGE argument for monogamy.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Amazing how many new usernames will come out of the woodwork with this thread.

Here is my take on the situation, and it is gleaned from conversations with other men and women who have had affairs, research on affairs and also personal experience. YMMV To the OP, yes, I think a man can love his wife, his children and his life and still have an extramarital affair. Is it easy? No. Is it honorable? No. Does it happen? Yes, and a lot more than we think.

If we are truly talking about a man who IS happy in his marriage, gets along well with his spouse, may have many years of common interests and experiences to bond them together, then the answer usually does point to "because of sex". I think men very much can separate sex from love much easier than any woman can. (that is a separate debate in and of itself) In most of these situations there is an incompatibility in the bedroom either with the frequency of sex or the type of sex. In a lot of situations where a "happily" married man has an affair, it is finding a new partner who is more adventurous and will do things his wife won't or he can't dream of talking to her about. The previous poster a page or so back mentioned that the mistress she encountered was a Domme, which tells me that the husband was interested in certain sexual fantasies that the wife probably was not, or he would not have gone looking for it on the outside of his marriage. This is not to debate the morality of his decision, only answering the original question of can a happily married man have an affair. It's the choice he has to make of either approach his wife with suggestions of what he wants and if he gets turned down, does he look for it elsewhere? Remember if you have poor impulse control and something you want is right there, it seems to be easy for a lot of men to compartmentalize an affair to the extent that the morals of it go out the window.

I also have had a friend who had an affair with a woman and fell in love with her; which shows that even if these men start off just seeking sex, sometimes that emotional connection is made, too. To my knowledge, the wife never found out and my friend remained in his marriage after the affair ran its course (these things rarely last forever). I think that if a man is looking for an affair with the love and emotional connection, too, that there is a very different dynamic in the marriage and something that is lacking emotionally for the man, not just sexually. So, if the OP has any details that would point to what kind of connection the husband has with the other woman, that may tell her a lot. Then the husband is probably not so "happy" as he looks on the outside.

A lot of men look at an affair as an escape, not necessarily from real life, but from reality for a short time. They separate the activity of the affair so effectively from their real life, that they truly don't feel as if they love the wife or children any less or are any less loyal to them because they never plan on leaving. Every affair has its own reasons, but it seems like the cake eaters just truly want "more". More sex, different sex, variety, fun, whatever. It usually doesn't have anything to do with any shortcomings in the wife.

Nice post.

I do think that a lot of cheating (not all) is about getting what you can't or think you can't get at home. part of the problem is that couples don't talk openly about sex and many are afraid of what the other person will think of them if they approach certain things. Especially the more adventurous types of sex. This country is so puritanical about sex and how it should and should not be done and what is "normal" and what is not. Much of society looks down upon people when it comes to anything besides "normal" sex. There are even some areas with laws against certains types and acts of sex.
So, some people think it's better to sneak around and lie instead of just being open and honest about things.

I think it is absolutely possible to love someone and still consider cheating. I've been married for 10 years. I love my husband truly and completely. I could never be married to anyone else. I also love the life we've built together, including our two beautiful children. The problem is sex, quite frankly. My husband has pretty much decided that he is no longer interested in it. It might occur every third month, if things are going well.

It is not a biological issue. He is not cheating on me with someone else. He works long hours at a very high-stress job and doesn't have a lot of emotional/physical energy left for sex. I have tried just about everything; good Lord, I have done and am willing to do things that would probably turn your hair white.

We were never a smokin' hot couple to begin with, which I think contributes to the situation. He has always had a lower sex drive but we were within the realm of normal up until two years ago. We have seen a counselor. We have talked about it at length but he is happy with the way things are, plain and simple. The once every three months is done solely for my benefit.

I'm sure that by now DISers are clutching their pearls and getting ready to flame me into oblivion. I will hear everything from "He's depressed" to "It's probably all your fault" to "He's secretly gay". I'm sure "Your life is so incredibly sad that I now look down upon you from my awesome-marriage pillar" will make an appearance as well. I'm not interested in getting into all of that. I will tell you that within my online groups and real life friends, I have found out that sexless marriages are a lot more common than you'd think. No one ever talks about them because they're so taboo. I will also tell you that more people are cheating than you know.

So where does that leave me? I'm 35 years old and I'm looking at another 30-40 years of no sex. Inevitably some people will tell me that I should just be honest, leave, and seek my fortunes somewhere else, as if leaving my love and destroying a beautiful family is as easy as pie. I think about cheating a lot. If it fulfills the 5% of life that I'm missing, while allowing everyone the joy of the other 95%, is it that disgusting? Am I am immoral monster? Am I an immature, selfish *****? Perhaps I am redeemable because I haven't done it. I could never do it. I couldn't lie to my husband, first and foremost, and I couldn't jeopardize my family.

But I sure as hell think about it.

They sure do. My own parents didn't even sleep in the same bed for years before my mom died. But they loved each other very much and never cheated. My dad has even talked about how he had the opportunity to cheat on my mom and never did. Heck. My mom has been gone now for 10 years. My dad has gone on 1 date in that time and shows no interest in having another relationship with anyone.

You aren't a monster because you've thought about having affairs. Almost everyone (if they're really honest) has thought about it at one time or another (or will). It's the actions you take that differentiate people.

 

[anonymousone]

anonymouse:
I'm sure you are a very nice person, but based on your posts your sense of morality sounds very loosey-goosey. You don't see black & white. Everything is neogiable and permissable and shadey grey. To me, LOVE means that you don't throw someone under the bus when you get tired of them. Maybe love means something different to you.

You're right, I am a very nice person. However, I don't think just because I don't see the world in black and white that my morals are loose. An affair isn't always throwing someone under the bus.

So, to open another can of worms, let me ask this not just to you NY, but everyone. Totally hypothetically, what if the OP didn't know that her husband was cheating? What if she never found out (yes, sometimes affairs go on for years with no one the wiser) and the husband continued to be a good father, good provider and good companion because he was able to get his sexual need met elsewhere? Would it still be better to break up his family just so he could be "honest"? What if it was a woman in an emotional, but not physical, affair? Getting her emotional needs met b/c her husband was not an emotionally giving person, so she is perfectly happy in her marriage and family life as long as she has the emotional confidante on the side. Should she leave her husband to be honest?

 

[NY Disney fan]

Totally hypothetically, what if the OP didn't know that her husband was cheating? What if she never found out (yes, sometimes affairs go on for years with no one the wiser) and the husband continued to be a good father, good provider and good companion because he was able to get his sexual need met elsewhere? Would it still be better to break up his family just so he could be "honest"? What if it was a woman in an emotional, but not physical, affair? Getting her emotional needs met b/c her husband was not an emotionally giving person, so she is perfectly happy in her marriage and family life as long as she has the emotional confidante on the side. Should she leave her husband to be honest?

This round of questioning just astounds me. This is why I cannot argue with someone spouting this logic. You are assuming that people who cheat can continue to be good fathers/mother, good providers. I've been in the infidelity trenches and let me tell you, that when a person is having an affair THE LAST people he has on his mind are his family. When people cheat, everything from the cell phone to the bank account gets replaced with a new one. Cheating is about covert operations.

What about STDs? This is when the husband (or wife) and his mistress make decisions for the husband's family. Is there any guarantee that the cheating spouse won't bring an STD home...you know how many wives discovered they had HPV after 20 years of marriage?

People who cheat on their spouse, cheats on their kids (look at Jesse James). Its not just between the spouses. The whole family blows up.

 

[NY Disney fan]

What if it was a woman in an emotional, but not physical, affair? Getting her emotional needs met b/c her husband was not an emotionally giving person, so she is perfectly happy in her marriage and family life as long as she has the emotional confidante on the side. Should she leave her husband to be honest?

Yes, it is very simple. If you want an emotional confidant leave one relationship before starting another. Its a very black and white issue. If you don't want to break up your family then find a way to work it out with your spouse. Or get divorced. Remember the rule about not committing adultery?

 

[Robindianne]

You're right, I am a very nice person. However, I don't think just because I don't see the world in black and white that my morals are loose. An affair isn't always throwing someone under the bus.

So, to open another can of worms, let me ask this not just to you NY, but everyone. Totally hypothetically, what if the OP didn't know that her husband was cheating? What if she never found out (yes, sometimes affairs go on for years with no one the wiser) and the husband continued to be a good father, good provider and good companion because he was able to get his sexual need met elsewhere? Would it still be better to break up his family just so he could be "honest"? What if it was a woman in an emotional, but not physical, affair? Getting her emotional needs met b/c her husband was not an emotionally giving person, so she is perfectly happy in her marriage and family life as long as she has the emotional confidante on the side. Should she leave her husband to be honest?

Interesting point.
In fact, I would argue that BECAUSE you don't see the world in black and white, your morals are stronger. Since the real world (nature, animals, needs, etc) isn't black and white, we are called upon to apply our higher level thinking that God gave us (not the so-called Christian "value" of blindly following what some person says is "right") to disect it all and apply thought and priorities and will and unconditional love to determine the paths our lives will take. Case in point: the value of not killing - is it ok in war, terrorism based on religion, abortion (if you believe that is killing), punishment for a crime? Nothing is black and white. We aren't automatrons and weren't created to be automatrons. Those of us who are unable to see and act upon the shades of gray, seem to do so out of fear or hate or insecurity.
Stepping down off my soapbox now.

 

[anonymousone]

NY, I was not asking that to start an argument, just genuinely curious what others' opinions are. I can only attest with 100% accuracy what I have seen myself, but I KNOW my friend made sure that the affair contact never under any circumstances, took away from family activities, children's activities or time that would have been spent with a spouse. That's what I meant by still being as good as a father/husband as he always was. Could he have been better without the affair? Who knows?

You're right that an affair is all about covert actions, whether limited or time-consuming. I just don't think you can say that EVERYONE who chooses to have an affair doesn't love their spouse.

 

[Robindianne]

Regardless of "thought crimes" or whether you act on your biological and emotional and sexual needs, you are not a monster. You are making choices that are right for you and your family, considering all the people involved, your needs to not "die" sexually, your husband's needs for compassion and understanding. Your choices may change over time and may change multiple times and the fact that you consider all the possibilites says to me you are a loving, moral person, regardless of whether you have sex with someone other than your DH. Not that I am the morals police. Just sayin'

Nice post.

I do think that a lot of cheating (not all) is about getting what you can't or think you can't get at home. part of the problem is that couples don't talk openly about sex and many are afraid of what the other person will think of them if they approach certain things. Especially the more adventurous types of sex. This country is so puritanical about sex and how it should and should not be done and what is "normal" and what is not. Much of society looks down upon people when it comes to anything besides "normal" sex. There are even some areas with laws against certains types and acts of sex.
So, some people think it's better to sneak around and lie instead of just being open and honest about things.




They sure do. My own parents didn't even sleep in the same bed for years before my mom died. But they loved each other very much and never cheated. My dad has even talked about how he had the opportunity to cheat on my mom and never did. Heck. My mom has been gone now for 10 years. My dad has gone on 1 date in that time and shows no interest in having another relationship with anyone.

You aren't a monster because you've thought about having affairs. Almost everyone (if they're really honest) has thought about it at one time or another (or will). It's the actions you take that differentiate people.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I just don't think you can say that EVERYONE who chooses to have an affair doesn't love their spouse.

Ok, then in the spirit of keeping things peaceful I will bow out of this thread because love means something different then it means to you....which is fine. Some people think monogamy is unnatural. Some people think it is the only way to go. To me love isn't a feeling, its an action. You love somoene by your actions, not how you feel about them.

 

[mumom95]

You're right, I am a very nice person. However, I don't think just because I don't see the world in black and white that my morals are loose. An affair isn't always throwing someone under the bus.

So, to open another can of worms, let me ask this not just to you NY, but everyone. Totally hypothetically, what if the OP didn't know that her husband was cheating? What if she never found out (yes, sometimes affairs go on for years with no one the wiser) and the husband continued to be a good father, good provider and good companion because he was able to get his sexual need met elsewhere? Would it still be better to break up his family just so he could be "honest"? What if it was a woman in an emotional, but not physical, affair? Getting her emotional needs met b/c her husband was not an emotionally giving person, so she is perfectly happy in her marriage and family life as long as she has the emotional confidante on the side. Should she leave her husband to be honest?

If nothing else in marriage you owe it to you spouse to be open and honest about things that may affect them. And an affair can have a huge impact on the spouse either through possible disease or just the mere fact that the person looks like a fool in front of all their friends and family that know.

If a person feels the need to "cheat" on his/her spouse, be it physically or emotionally, yesh, I do think they owe it to their spouse to be open about it. Let the spouse then decide if they want to stay in the relationship given the new circumstance. It's their life too and they should be able to make an informed decision.

This doesn't usually happen though because the cheater is selfish and wants to have their cake and eat it to. And they know there is a darn good chance their spouse isn't going to let them have it both ways. So they keep it hidden. Basically they are a coward.

I really don't care what kind of agreement people have in their marriage. The key is it needs to be an agreement between the couple.

You can make the argument that what is the point of breaking up a marriage or hurting a spouse who has a happy life just to be honest. Well, because they are an adult and they deserve to know all the details so that they can make the decision about what to do with their life. Would you be ok with a doctor not giving a patient all the information about their illness and possible treatment because they don't want to hurt or worry them?

It's as simple as the fact that we are adults and as adults we should have the right to decide what kind of marriage we want to be in. But a marriage takes two people, so both people need to know what's going on the make an informed decision.

Are you really suggesting it is ok for a spouse to cheat on the other spouse as long as the other spouse is happy and doesn't know about it?

 

[Robindianne]

Its just that it is NOT possible to cheat on someone and say you still love them.

In your opinion.

 

[Arielle22]

NY, I was not asking that to start an argument, just genuinely curious what others' opinions are. I can only attest with 100% accuracy what I have seen myself, but I KNOW my friend made sure that the affair contact never under any circumstances, took away from family activities, children's activities or time that would have been spent with a spouse. That's what I meant by still being as good as a father/husband as he always was. Could he have been better without the affair? Who knows?

You're right that an affair is all about covert actions, whether limited or time-consuming. I just don't think you can say that EVERYONE who chooses to have an affair doesn't love their spouse.

I have read this thread and was not planning on posting but I have a question in response to this post. Just how much time was used in the affair?

Most married with children couples I know can't find enough free time to spend a few hours with a spouse never mind adding a second person into the mix. People of my acquaintance usually leave for work by 7am and get home no earlier than 6pm. By the time you throw dinner into the mix (making/eating/cleaning up) you are at 730pm. Then if the children are younger there may be story time and baths. So by 830pm all chores are done and you can sit down and spend an hour or two with your spouse. On weekends there are more errands and housework along with events with the family.

I just can't comprehend how a cheating spouse can carve out enough time for an affair without shortchanging a spouse and children unless maybe a lunch time quickie.

 

[anonymousone]

NY, I hate that this has made you feel "unpeaceful", it's always good to hear others' opinions on different matters. And now that religion and politics are a no-no, this has at least been an interesting discussion that hopefully will make everyone think.

I think my bottom line in staying on topic to the OP is "yes, your husband can still love you even if he's having an affair." Remember, just my opinion. Maybe just her having that glimmer of hope that he might not have "thrown her under the bus" would be enough for them to try to work it out. Some marriages do survive infidelity and go on to actually thrive, with work on both spouse's parts.