When a man has an affair?

[lacrosse_lady72]

However I don't think that because someone cheats they are a worthless human being. I also think someone can love their SO very much and still cheat. Humans are complex and their motivations can't be explained in simple terms.

I could not agree with you more.

 

[Spoodleink]

We live in a very puritanical society and many Americans views on sex reflect that.What if Siamese and her DH see sex as purely physical so sleeping with someone else is akin to going jogging with them. If you worked off that assumption rather than the one that sex = love you can easily see how they can have a very loving and long lasting realationship. Do you only love your SO because you have sex with them ? Would it be so horrible if their love for each other is built on their history and mutual likes, dislikes and goals, their sense of humor and other personality factors rather than sex. If they are both fine with the situation why are you so offended ?

 

[TwinsinCA]

However I don't think that because someone cheats they are a worthless human being. I also think someone can love their SO very much and still cheat. Humans are complex and their motivations can't be explained in simple terms.

Then you have a different of definition of what *love* means.

I think people who cheat are selfish, horrible, scum. There are worse things you can do. But not much.

 

[DisTeach1]

To the OP...this is what I think...I have run across the same thing as you many times. I myself am married to a great guy and I know he would seek every avenue he could to work out the problems in our marriage (and every marriage has issues) before he cheated on me.

Having said that, you said, "What do I do, how do I stop him?" Well, the truth is, you don't stop him and really, you can't. If these are his values, and he is okay with them, he will do what he will do.

However, if you do not accept this, and it makes you deeply unhappy, then you need to give serious thought to leaving the marriage, because you will always be insecure in him, you will always have trust issues, you will always have doubts, and you will always be unhappy at your CORE because his values differ from yours, and that is the root of the problem. So if you truly can't live with how he is, then I pray for you and hope that you find peace somehow.

 

[Spoodleink]

I think people who cheat are selfish, horrible, scum. There are worse things you can do. But not much.

Then I'm guessing you are pretty lucky and haven't seen some of the horrible things people can do to each other.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Then I'm guessing you are pretty lucky and haven't seen some of the horrible things people can do to each other.

I didn't say it was the worst thing people can do. Rape and murder are worse. But betraying someone who loves and trusts you also ranks way up there.

 

[Planogirl]

I didn't say it was the worst thing people can do. Rape and murder are worse. But betraying someone who loves and trusts you also ranks way up there.

I agree that betrayal is awful. But if both parties agree that it's OK then it's not betrayal.

I can't imagine this myself but people are complex as another poster said. People have all sorts of ideas of what is acceptable.

 

[krcit]

Not everyone is the same and not every relationship is the same. Just because you have a problem with cheating doesn't mean everyone should. And from your statement above you're probably not the type of person I would be interested in having anything to do with. I have never cheated and never been cheated on so I have no horse in this race . However I don't think that because someone cheats they are a worthless human being. I also think someone can love their SO very much and still cheat. Humans are complex and their motivations can't be explained in simple terms.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I agree that betrayal is awful. But if both parties agree that it's OK then it's not betrayal.

I can't imagine this myself but people are complex as another poster said. People have all sorts of ideas of what is acceptable.

I should have been more specific. If a couple has an open marriage, then sleeping around isn't cheating. But if there is lying, sneaking around, and a hurt spouse left behind -- then you are scum to do that to the person you married.

If the spouse *truly* doesn't care, then it is an open marriage, and different rules apply. But I don't think it is unreasonable to say that the majority of people who are married would be hurt if their spouse slept with someone else.

 

[anonymousone]

Amazing how many new usernames will come out of the woodwork with this thread.

Here is my take on the situation, and it is gleaned from conversations with other men and women who have had affairs, research on affairs and also personal experience. YMMV To the OP, yes, I think a man can love his wife, his children and his life and still have an extramarital affair. Is it easy? No. Is it honorable? No. Does it happen? Yes, and a lot more than we think.

If we are truly talking about a man who IS happy in his marriage, gets along well with his spouse, may have many years of common interests and experiences to bond them together, then the answer usually does point to "because of sex". I think men very much can separate sex from love much easier than any woman can. (that is a separate debate in and of itself) In most of these situations there is an incompatibility in the bedroom either with the frequency of sex or the type of sex. In a lot of situations where a "happily" married man has an affair, it is finding a new partner who is more adventurous and will do things his wife won't or he can't dream of talking to her about. The previous poster a page or so back mentioned that the mistress she encountered was a Domme, which tells me that the husband was interested in certain sexual fantasies that the wife probably was not, or he would not have gone looking for it on the outside of his marriage. This is not to debate the morality of his decision, only answering the original question of can a happily married man have an affair. It's the choice he has to make of either approach his wife with suggestions of what he wants and if he gets turned down, does he look for it elsewhere? Remember if you have poor impulse control and something you want is right there, it seems to be easy for a lot of men to compartmentalize an affair to the extent that the morals of it go out the window.

I also have had a friend who had an affair with a woman and fell in love with her; which shows that even if these men start off just seeking sex, sometimes that emotional connection is made, too. To my knowledge, the wife never found out and my friend remained in his marriage after the affair ran its course (these things rarely last forever). I think that if a man is looking for an affair with the love and emotional connection, too, that there is a very different dynamic in the marriage and something that is lacking emotionally for the man, not just sexually. So, if the OP has any details that would point to what kind of connection the husband has with the other woman, that may tell her a lot. Then the husband is probably not so "happy" as he looks on the outside.

A lot of men look at an affair as an escape, not necessarily from real life, but from reality for a short time. They separate the activity of the affair so effectively from their real life, that they truly don't feel as if they love the wife or children any less or are any less loyal to them because they never plan on leaving. Every affair has its own reasons, but it seems like the cake eaters just truly want "more". More sex, different sex, variety, fun, whatever. It usually doesn't have anything to do with any shortcomings in the wife.

 

[FireDancer]

OP, yes it is possible someone who is happy at home will still cheat. Every time someone cheats (man or woman) it isn't necessarily because they are missing something. Sometimes it is just about opportunity. It is short-sighted and selfish but not necessarily a cry for something physical or emotional. Even an affair might be more about the thrill then anything else. I'm not condoning it but it happens.

People often forget that sex and love are very different things. Any person who is in a committed relationship will be physically attracted to other people. If they claim they are not they are lying, at least to themselves. Some people have the self control to leave it at that and some don't. It makes them bad husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancées, or whatever else but not necessarily terrible people.

In the end does it really matter? If someone cheats on me I don't care why, they did it and no matter what the circumstances the relationship is over instantly. I don't give second chances for that.

 

[mickeysgal]

Not everyone is the same and not every relationship is the same. Just because you have a problem with cheating doesn't mean everyone should. And from your statement above you're probably not the type of person I would be interested in having anything to do with. I have never cheated and never been cheated on so I have no horse in this race . However I don't think that because someone cheats they are a worthless human being. I also think someone can love their SO very much and still cheat. Humans are complex and their motivations can't be explained in simple terms.

A bit dramatic, don't you think? I will cope just fine knowing that you wouldn't be interested in having anything to do with me.

Never said they were worthless. Don't put words in my mouth. I do think they are of questionable character. Worthless? No. But certainly untrustworthy. Someone's integrity and trustworthiness is what makes a strong character - in my opinion. Cheat and your integrity is shot. Seriously - can you trust someone that is a cheat? Could you put your, let's say, financial investments in the hands of someone that is a known cheat? . To me, if they are capable of cheating, what else are they capable of? It opens the door to being of questionable character. Would I hire a known cheat? No way. Again, it goes to moral backbone.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Okay, I've debated posting this for a while and am finally posting it under a sock puppet. I just want people to know that not everyone lives the way they live and that not everyone thinks about infidelity the same way.

My DH has a problem keeping it in his pants. He's had two affairs that I've known about. He's also had at least on affair that I am "unaware" of. I don't plan on ever bringing it up because I don't see what help it would do.

The last woman was a Domme. And I actually met her one day: up until this point I'd seen one picture of her and she showed up at a charity event I was working wearing the EXACT SAME jewelry my DH had given me for the past 3 years. . .the jewelry was a tad much, I thought, given that the event was outdoors and hot. I must have smirked, in fact, I'm sure I smirked, because I thought it was too funny that she resorted to slinking around, intentionally wearing the same jewelry as me, at a charity event, to meet me. After all, I have the wedding bands, the house, the kids, the keys to his heart; and I'm the one who picked out the jewelry! Anyway, she slunk off and broke it off with him immediately after and he hasn't strayed since.

Here's the deal. I love him dearly, I have a good relationship with him and we're very compatible. I don't see myself doing any better. He's attractive, sweet, and I like being around him. We'll happily stay married until we die. Why would I give that up just because he has a hard time with sleeping in one bed? Seriously, I could care less.

I won't be back under this name, I just wanted to get this off my chest. There are those of us who know our husbands cheat. We don't care. And in point of fact, there are times we may intentionally not know. If we're happy in our relationship (and have made sure we've gotten tested - under the guise of having a "weird UTI") what's it to the rest of the world? I don't think adultery, when weighed against everything else that's important in a relationship, is an unforgivable sin, or even, really, a major one. Not loving me, not committing to be with me until we die (and not cheerfully suffering through our family's annual Disney trip), not loving our kids, those would be cause for a divorce, not the occasional improper knocking of boots with the wrong person.

Famous last words.

 

[Spoodleink]

A bit dramatic, don't you think? I will cope just fine knowing that you wouldn't be interested in having anything to do with me.

Never said they were worthless. Don't put words in my mouth. I do think they are of questionable character. Worthless? No. But certainly untrustworthy. Someone's integrity and trustworthiness is what makes a strong character - in my opinion. Cheat and your integrity is shot. Seriously - can you trust someone that is a cheat? Could you put your, let's say, financial investments in the hands of someone that is a known cheat? . To me, if they are capable of cheating, what else are they capable of? It opens the door to being of questionable character. Would I hire a known cheat? No way. Again, it goes to moral backbone.

You didn't say people who cheat are worthless but there has been enough on this thread calling them things scum to people who are incapable of love.

I work with large sums of money and no one has ever asked my about my personal life so see if I should be trusted with it. I work with people who have cheated on their SO and are still very good at their jobs. I would never thin k because they cheated it means they are going to start stealing money. I did people's homework in high school does that mean I shouldn't be trusted in my job know. You're making a jump that because someone cheat they are untrustworthy in all aspects of their life. Maybe I'm more like a man because I can compartmentalize things like that.

 

[Colleen27]

And what is wrong with those that "say" it's ok with them that hubby cheats? Is your self esteem that low that you're willing to accept this?

Different people have different views on marriage. It wasn't all that long ago that marriage was primarily a practical arrangement, so I don't think it is unusual or damaging that some may still view it that way. Particularly in our society, where women and children so often end up in or near poverty following a divorce and men are so easily able to evade their financial obligations to their children. Assuming the man is careful in terms of using protection and choosing partners wisely, and is discrete enough that it doesn't become public knowledge or get back to the children, I can understand why some women would choose to stay with a man they love and get along with despite his difficulties with monogamy.

 

[Tinkermommy]

For me cheating is a deal breaker. One strike and your out.

I really don't care if my husband said he was happy and had no problems with me or our marriage, I WOULD HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.

It amazes me how some woman/people give up their power in a relationship and let the SO decide how the relationship would work.

I work with lots of French men and they are notorious flirts. I am sure more than a few have open relationships as it is culturally acceptable there. But it is not with me.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I love these threads. It's always so easy to see who's been cheated on, who's been a party to a nasty divorce, and who hates men.

There are people who seem to have all kinds of arrangements and what works for one couple may not work for another. The important thing is to come to an agreement as to how to coexist and then stick to it.

Exactly.

While this set up would not work for me, as a wife, I completely get that it works for some. It doesn't mean there is anything "wrong" with either of you.It works for you. Why should either of you even consider divorce? I support you 100%. And understand that others may not, so I see why you posted under a diff name. What you and your spouse do, agree to (implicitly or explicitly) is none of our business. I aplaud you for knowing what your needs and deal-breakers are and sticking with them.

Amen again.

Why do I care? Not sure.

You care because, in your opinion, someone isn't doing it "right" ("right" being the way you think it should be done) and you've decided to overstep your bounds and try to police what other people do, think and believe. You are unable to conceive of another position, therefore anyone who participates or espouses an opinion contrary to yours is wrong.

Not everyone is the same and not every relationship is the same. Just because you have a problem with cheating doesn't mean everyone should. And from your statement above you're probably not the type of person I would be interested in having anything to do with. I have never cheated and never been cheated on so I have no horse in this race . However I don't think that because someone cheats they are a worthless human being. I also think someone can love their SO very much and still cheat. Humans are complex and their motivations can't be explained in simple terms.

I agree. If I had a choice between being associated with a cheater and being associated with a close-minded, iron-fisted, my-way-or-the-highway person, I'd choose the cheater hands down every time. I've already had my share of having to deal with the other kinds.

Then you have a different of definition of what *love* means.

I think people who cheat are selfish, horrible, scum.

Everyone has a different definition of what *love* means. My definition of *love* is to love people with as few conditions on my love as possible. If I can't love them unconditionally, then I don't love them. That's what Jesus taught and I try to follow it as much as possible.

Your definition, however, seems to have many conditions or hoops someone has to jump through before you'll deign to give them your love. I'm glad that seems to work for you, although I suspect you've been a victim of cheating which might indicate that your application of love may need a little bit of tweaking here and there.

Amazing how many new usernames will come out of the woodwork with this thread.

Here is my take on the situation, and it is gleaned from conversations with other men and women who have had affairs, research on affairs and also personal experience. YMMV To the OP, yes, I think a man can love his wife, his children and his life and still have an extramarital affair. Is it easy? No. Is it honorable? No. Does it happen? Yes, and a lot more than we think.

If we are truly talking about a man who IS happy in his marriage, gets along well with his spouse, may have many years of common interests and experiences to bond them together, then the answer usually does point to "because of sex". I think men very much can separate sex from love much easier than any woman can. (that is a separate debate in and of itself) In most of these situations there is an incompatibility in the bedroom either with the frequency of sex or the type of sex. In a lot of situations where a "happily" married man has an affair, it is finding a new partner who is more adventurous and will do things his wife won't or he can't dream of talking to her about. The previous poster a page or so back mentioned that the mistress she encountered was a Domme, which tells me that the husband was interested in certain sexual fantasies that the wife probably was not, or he would not have gone looking for it on the outside of his marriage. This is not to debate the morality of his decision, only answering the original question of can a happily married man have an affair. It's the choice he has to make of either approach his wife with suggestions of what he wants and if he gets turned down, does he look for it elsewhere? Remember if you have poor impulse control and something you want is right there, it seems to be easy for a lot of men to compartmentalize an affair to the extent that the morals of it go out the window.

I also have had a friend who had an affair with a woman and fell in love with her; which shows that even if these men start off just seeking sex, sometimes that emotional connection is made, too. To my knowledge, the wife never found out and my friend remained in his marriage after the affair ran its course (these things rarely last forever). I think that if a man is looking for an affair with the love and emotional connection, too, that there is a very different dynamic in the marriage and something that is lacking emotionally for the man, not just sexually. So, if the OP has any details that would point to what kind of connection the husband has with the other woman, that may tell her a lot. Then the husband is probably not so "happy" as he looks on the outside.

A lot of men look at an affair as an escape, not necessarily from real life, but from reality for a short time. They separate the activity of the affair so effectively from their real life, that they truly don't feel as if they love the wife or children any less or are any less loyal to them because they never plan on leaving. Every affair has its own reasons, but it seems like the cake eaters just truly want "more". More sex, different sex, variety, fun, whatever. It usually doesn't have anything to do with any shortcomings in the wife.

Thank you. Best post I've read on this thread. Thank you thank you thank you.

 

[memster]

I think some people are absolutely capable of thinking and behaving this way. I also think they are absolutely messed up. Only one thing drives people to break apart their lives like this and its emotional underdevelopment. They behave this way so that they have different outlets for their affections, which prevents them from ever really attaching themselves to another person. They lie to a spouse so they will have a family life because they are too needy to actually be independent. Then they run around like they aren't living a big fat lie because they really enjoy being selfish dut don't want to deal with the consequences of their choices. It's an emotional escape plan and it's extremely childish IMO.

If a person wants to remain free then be unattached and don't drag anyone else along with lies and deceit. Man up and either remain single or find a spouse willing to accept your behavior and deal with the consequences of that choice.

If a person wants a genuine companion then man up, make a choice and stick to it and deal with the consequences of that choice.

This goes for either gender, I don't like it when people intentionally deceive others for their own gain. It's the epitome of arrogance to think your wants are more important than another person's right to choose in or out.

You have absolutely explained this one to a tee.

 

[mickeysgal]

I love these threads. It's always so easy to see who's been cheated on, who's been a party to a nasty divorce, and who hates men. Exactly. Amen again.


You care because, in your opinion, someone isn't doing it "right" ("right" being the way you think it should be done) and you've decided to overstep your bounds and try to police what other people do, think and believe. You are unable to conceive of another position, therefore anyone who participates or espouses an opinion contrary to yours is wrong.

Nope...never been cheated on, never been a party to a nasty divorce, and I certainly don't hate men. Now what, Freud?

I am not overstepping my bounds. Cheaters, be it either men OR women, have, IN MY OPINION, lack morals, integrity, and trustworthiness. If you think that my opinion is policing people, then certainly your opinion is policing as well.

Before you quote and take things out of context, make sure you read the supporting sentences that came after the lines you quoted. You'll see why "I care".

 

[handinpocket]

Cheaters just aren't married to the right one. Really, it is that simple.