When a man has an affair?

[AshleyW]

Cheaters just aren't married to the right one. Really, it is that simple.

Life isn't always black and white like that.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Everyone has a different definition of what *love* means. My definition of *love* is to love people with as few conditions on my love as possible. If I can't love them unconditionally, then I don't love them. That's what Jesus taught and I try to follow it as much as possible.

Your definition, however, seems to have many conditions or hoops someone has to jump through before you'll deign to give them your love. I'm glad that seems to work for you, although I suspect you've been a victim of cheating which might indicate that your application of love may need a little bit of tweaking here and there.

I have never been cheated on. I have never been divorced. I simply have a strong opinion of what is right and wrong. And IMO cheating is wrong. It HURTS people. It destroys families.

I think it is sad that people love people who abuse them. If you think having the expectation that the person you are married to should treat you with respect is somehow making them jump through "hoops"? I feel sorry for you. Maybe you don't think you deserve better. I do.

But I was not talking about the capacity of the person being cheated on to love. I was talking about the one doing the cheating. And I maintain that people who love you do not treat you with such complete disregard to your feelings and well-being. They don't torment you. They don't hit you. They don't cheat on you. I think love is an action and all of the above are not loving acts. You can say you love someone all you want. But if you don't SHOW it, they are just empty words.

You will never convince me that someone who cheats on their spouse also loves them.

 

[krcit]

I think people would be flabbergasted to know how many people cheat. People who seem to have the happiest of marriages, it is everywhere. I don't condone it and it's not a choice I could ever see myself making but I also try really hard not to judge people because noone knows what goes on behind closed doors or in a marriage except the people in it. People are human beings who make mistakes, I don't think that it makes them evil or monsters.

 

[mumom95]

I do think a man can be very happy with his wife and life and still cheat. I think he can love her for what a wonderful mother she is to his children, love what a warm and friendly home she keeps, love how great of a companion she is for him. He can love many things about her and even love her more than he loves anyone else.

What I don't think he does is respect her. By cheating he is not respecting her feelings or the commitment they made to each other. If it's truly an open marriage where both people have sat down, discussed and agreed that it is ok to sleep with other people, that is different. Because then it's a choice the couple made, not just a choice he made and she's just dealing with.

Most of us at some point or another during our marriage encounter a situation where if we wanted to pursue it, we could cheat on our spouse. After enough years of marriage life can get a little boring and people get stuck in a rut. Someone comes along and shows a little interest in you and sparks some excitement in your life. It's very tempting. You can love your spouse and also love the excitement the new person brings.

But at the end of the day, you have to decide, do you respect your spouse and marriage enough to say no? Those that do respect their spouse don't pursue anything and those that don't respect their spouse do.

 

[Phlip]

Lying is wrong. Period.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Lying is wrong. Period.

Yet people do it every. single. day and think nothing of it. They even make suggestions here to other posters about how they should lie to get out of something, or use a lie as an excuse (tell her you're busy with something else, etc) or brag about something they did that involved a lie. The only thing we're debating is semantics which always seem to come down to this:

It's OK when women lie because they have good reasons. It's bad when a man lies and not only should he not be forgiven, but the rest of his life should be made a living hell and he should have to pay forever because he lied.

As I said before, these kinds of threads make it so easy to see who's been cheated on, who's been a party to a nasty divorce, and who hates men. So far (knock wood) I haven't been any of those three. But if DH ever cheats on me and eventually owned up to it, I would hope that he'd feel comfortable enough in my character that I wouldn't overreact and go on a revenge rampage rather than try to be an adult and help him work on the problem that caused him to cheat in the first place.

And if working on the problem means that we split up, I'll be very sad to have lost my best friend. But (again, hopefully) I'll eventually realize that I was complete when I was by myself before, and I can be complete by myself again.

 

[anotherfakename]

I think it is absolutely possible to love someone and still consider cheating. I've been married for 10 years. I love my husband truly and completely. I could never be married to anyone else. I also love the life we've built together, including our two beautiful children. The problem is sex, quite frankly. My husband has pretty much decided that he is no longer interested in it. It might occur every third month, if things are going well.

It is not a biological issue. He is not cheating on me with someone else. He works long hours at a very high-stress job and doesn't have a lot of emotional/physical energy left for sex. I have tried just about everything; good Lord, I have done and am willing to do things that would probably turn your hair white.

We were never a smokin' hot couple to begin with, which I think contributes to the situation. He has always had a lower sex drive but we were within the realm of normal up until two years ago. We have seen a counselor. We have talked about it at length but he is happy with the way things are, plain and simple. The once every three months is done solely for my benefit.

I'm sure that by now DISers are clutching their pearls and getting ready to flame me into oblivion. I will hear everything from "He's depressed" to "It's probably all your fault" to "He's secretly gay". I'm sure "Your life is so incredibly sad that I now look down upon you from my awesome-marriage pillar" will make an appearance as well. I'm not interested in getting into all of that. I will tell you that within my online groups and real life friends, I have found out that sexless marriages are a lot more common than you'd think. No one ever talks about them because they're so taboo. I will also tell you that more people are cheating than you know.

So where does that leave me? I'm 35 years old and I'm looking at another 30-40 years of no sex. Inevitably some people will tell me that I should just be honest, leave, and seek my fortunes somewhere else, as if leaving my love and destroying a beautiful family is as easy as pie. I think about cheating a lot. If it fulfills the 5% of life that I'm missing, while allowing everyone the joy of the other 95%, is it that disgusting? Am I am immoral monster? Am I an immature, selfish *****? Perhaps I am redeemable because I haven't done it. I could never do it. I couldn't lie to my husband, first and foremost, and I couldn't jeopardize my family.

But I sure as hell think about it.

 

[sbell111]

... Men separate their life like a pie. Wife may be a big piece of the pie, but there are other pieces that are separate from her. Other pieces of the pie exist but their are all separate. They don't like them to intermingle, people have died trying to enter the other pieces of pie, it's sacred ground. Ask any mistress who threatened to tell the wife......

As a man, I have no clue whether some women compartmentalize their lives or even if all men do it. I know that I do it. As much as I absoultely love my family, they don't really figure into my work life nor does my work life figure into my home life. It's not really just work v home, either. We also do a certain amount of compartmentalizing between the different parts of our personal lives. I feel like I don't have secrets from my wife, but I certainly filter lots of other family stuff from her. It just makes life easier.

Regarding cheating, I believe that sometimes it is a result of problems in the relationship with the spouse. The problems may or may not be related to the bedroom.

Sometimes, however, people act out in one area of their lives because they have problems in completely different areas. A person might be having stress at work and allow an affair to happen without a single thing being wrong with their marriage. This is actually a danger of compartmentalizing because the cheater will rationalize the affair into the work box, rather than into the 'marriage' box. This, of course, results in the potential for a much greater fall if/when the affair is exposed.

Lying is wrong. Period.

I don't agree with this. Often, lying is the better choice.

While we can all imagine scenarios where a little white lie is the better choice than the unvarnished truth, here's a better example that's more in keeping with the topic of this thread:

Imagine a spouse that is generally happy in his/her marriage but wanders into an affair. The cheater comes to his/her senses and breaks off the affair. He/she wants to save his/her marriage, not destroy it. Does he/she tell his/her spouse about the affair? The wise answer is 'no'. The person should suck it up and live with his/her guilt. Coming clean in this instance only serves to hurt the innocent party (and risk the future of the marriage).

 

[NY Disney fan]

So where does that leave me?

Before you begin a new relationship (be it physical or emotional) end the one you are already in. Its that simple.

 

[sbell111]

I think it is absolutely possible to love someone and still consider cheating. I've been married for 10 years. I love my husband truly and completely. I could never be married to anyone else. I also love the life we've built together, including our two beautiful children. The problem is sex, quite frankly. My husband has pretty much decided that he is no longer interested in it. It might occur every third month, if things are going well.

It is not a biological issue. He is not cheating on me with someone else. He works long hours at a very high-stress job and doesn't have a lot of emotional/physical energy left for sex. I have tried just about everything; good Lord, I have done and am willing to do things that would probably turn your hair white.

We were never a smokin' hot couple to begin with, which I think contributes to the situation. He has always had a lower sex drive but we were within the realm of normal up until two years ago. We have seen a counselor. We have talked about it at length but he is happy with the way things are, plain and simple. The once every three months is done solely for my benefit.

I'm sure that by now DISers are clutching their pearls and getting ready to flame me into oblivion. I will hear everything from "He's depressed" to "It's probably all your fault" to "He's secretly gay". I'm sure "Your life is so incredibly sad that I now look down upon you from my awesome-marriage pillar" will make an appearance as well. I'm not interested in getting into all of that. I will tell you that within my online groups and real life friends, I have found out that sexless marriages are a lot more common than you'd think. No one ever talks about them because they're so taboo. I will also tell you that more people are cheating than you know.

So where does that leave me?

My advice will be unpopular with many on this thread, but here it is. Go back to the negotiating table. You should settle on something around once every week or two.

You should also consider that some days/times are probably better for him. Perhaps you might schedule a regular date night.

 

[sbell111]

Before you begin a new relationship (be it physical or emotional) end the one you are in. Its that simple.

I think that if you reread the first and fifth paragraphs of her post, you will find that your suggestion is not an option (and that she has no real intentions of cheating).

It should also be noted that ending a marriage, especially one with children, is not, and should never be, simple.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Cheaters just aren't married to the right one. Really, it is that simple.

Cheaters are married to the right person until they get tired of them, then they become married to the wrong person. If you hook up with a cheater who says he loves you, be aware that they now have a history of loving and leaving.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I think that if you reread the first paragraph of her post, you will find that your suggestion is not an option. (It should also be noted that ending a marriage, especially one with children, is not, and should never be, simple.)

If you reread the post, she is also toying with the idea of cheating.

 

[Tinkerbellie16]

I am using another name but just need some advice and have just been trying to process something. Here goes...

When a man has or seeks an affair, is it still possible that he is completely happy with his wife and his home life, but still just wants an occasional "thing" on the side to add some spice? I guess I've always thought there had to be more to it than that. Also, I think, how can someone who loves their spouse, loves their family, goes to church, etc. and still want something that is so harmful and hurtful? How is that even possible? How is it possible for a man to be happy with his life and do that?

My male friend I have shared this with says yes, a man can be completely happy at home and love his wife, not want a divorce, he just wants a fling from time to time. I don't get it...if men think that way, how can you fight that? If it's not about being happy, than how can a woman even begin to deal with something like this? It would be almost easier to understand if there were admitted issues, or the man wasn't happy, but I don't know how to deal with this kind of thinking.

You are asking a very general question but if you aren't using your usual login, is this because you are wondering about a situation that is happening to you?

People can give all sorts of opinions whether they've been through this or not and everyone has their own 'line' that may (or may not) change if they have been through this situation.

I believe that if you make marriage vows (or other vows) you should not break those vows. But people do and when that happens, each couple/family needs to make their own determination on what best suits them. One couple may find that they have an 'open' marriage and don't care while another finds that they must divorce and others rediscover their love for each other.

As for why a man cheats, well, men and women both are capable of cheating. It is usually indicitive of something in the relationship that causes one or both of them to go outside the relationship. But then again, there is no 'one' answer. If there was, don't you think we would have stopped talking about this?

 

[anotherfakename]

If you reread the post, she is also toying with the idea of cheating.

For the love of G-d, I am not. Toying to me means turning the idea over and over in your mind until it becomes acceptable. Toying means being on the edge of bringing into fruition. It implies a lot more of an active process then where I am. As I mentioned, I could never cheat. When I think of how much it would hurt my husband, it makes me sick.

I should just check out of the whole thread now because I know it is going to derail itself into judgment, "one time I knew this guy...", and whether alienation of affection laws are a good deterrent to cheating. I just wanted to present another viewpoint to the thought that all cheaters are over-sexed, morally deficient *******s.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Forgive me if I came across with the wrong idea. That is the way I interpreted your post. I apologize if I overstepped. Its just that it is NOT possible to cheat on someone and say you still love them. That doesn't even make sense so I think that's where I mis-read your thoughts.

 

[anonymousone]

I think it is absolutely possible to love someone and still consider cheating. I've been married for 10 years. I love my husband truly and completely. I could never be married to anyone else. I also love the life we've built together, including our two beautiful children. The problem is sex, quite frankly. My husband has pretty much decided that he is no longer interested in it. It might occur every third month, if things are going well.

It is not a biological issue. He is not cheating on me with someone else. He works long hours at a very high-stress job and doesn't have a lot of emotional/physical energy left for sex. I have tried just about everything; good Lord, I have done and am willing to do things that would probably turn your hair white.

We were never a smokin' hot couple to begin with, which I think contributes to the situation. He has always had a lower sex drive but we were within the realm of normal up until two years ago. We have seen a counselor. We have talked about it at length but he is happy with the way things are, plain and simple. The once every three months is done solely for my benefit.

I'm sure that by now DISers are clutching their pearls and getting ready to flame me into oblivion. I will hear everything from "He's depressed" to "It's probably all your fault" to "He's secretly gay". I'm sure "Your life is so incredibly sad that I now look down upon you from my awesome-marriage pillar" will make an appearance as well. I'm not interested in getting into all of that. I will tell you that within my online groups and real life friends, I have found out that sexless marriages are a lot more common than you'd think. No one ever talks about them because they're so taboo. I will also tell you that more people are cheating than you know.

So where does that leave me? I'm 35 years old and I'm looking at another 30-40 years of no sex. Inevitably some people will tell me that I should just be honest, leave, and seek my fortunes somewhere else, as if leaving my love and destroying a beautiful family is as easy as pie. I think about cheating a lot. If it fulfills the 5% of life that I'm missing, while allowing everyone the joy of the other 95%, is it that disgusting? Am I am immoral monster? Am I an immature, selfish *****? Perhaps I am redeemable because I haven't done it. I could never do it. I couldn't lie to my husband, first and foremost, and I couldn't jeopardize my family.

But I sure as hell think about it.

You are not a bad person for needing more sex than your husband. Regardless of the reasons for his disinterest in sex, if that cannot be overcome, I think you DO have some serious decisions to make. Your thirties is way too young to dream about being in a sexless marriage (which I read somewhere is defined as having sex less than 10 times a year for a couple). It is possible to love your husband and your life and still feel that there is this gaping hole in you and your marriage because he is unwilling to meet a need that you have. Sex bonds a couple and increases intimacy, it's not just an act, for those that think marriage is ok without it. If your husband continues to be immobile in his stance, there will be resentment on your part toward him. Do you feel like the counseling helped any?

Before you begin a new relationship (be it physical or emotional) end the one you are already in. Its that simple.

It's never that simple.

My advice will be unpopular with many on this thread, but here it is. Go back to the negotiating table. You should settle on something around once every week or two.

You should also consider that some days/times are probably better for him. Perhaps you might schedule a regular date night.

I'm guessing they've already been through that if they have sought counseling.
OP?

Cheaters are married to the right person until they get tired of them, then they become married to the wrong person. If you hook up with a cheater who says he loves you, be aware that they now have a history of loving and leaving.

Just because you married someone doesn't mean they were the "right person". Sometimes they were the right person right then, or were never the right person and you married them for whatever other reasons. Just because it's amarriage doesn't mean it's perfect...cheating isn't about getting tired of somebody; it's always about MUCH more.

Forgive me if I came across with the wrong idea. That is the way I interpreted your post. I apologize if I overstepped. Its just that it is NOT possible to cheat on someone and say you still love them. That doesn't even make sense so I think that's where I mis-read your thoughts.

I think you can still love someone even if you cheat--you may not be respecting them, but you can still love them. Disrespect has many faces, not just showing itself as infidelity. There are worse things than being cheated on.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Just because you married someone doesn't mean they were the "right person".

I think you can still love someone even if you cheat--you may not be respecting them, but you can still love them. Disrespect has many faces, not just showing itself as infidelity. There are worse things than being cheated on.

 

[anotherfakename]

Counseling enabled us to talk about the issue. Believe me, for a while it was avoidance, resentment, and hurt feelings. I thought he didn't love me or that there was something wrong with me. My husband was able to communicate that he really did love me, and that he was really happy, but that his needs were just a lot less than mine.

The counselor basically said that both of our viewpoints were valid. We had to come to some kind of agreement or arrangement. Set up date nights, I pick the day/he picks what happens, set up a schedule. He's willing to try them all. The fact of the matter is, if he doesn't want it, I don't want to feel like he's doing it for my benefit.

She recommended the book The Sex-Starved Marriage, which really helped us feel not so alone. She said that this was fast becoming one of the biggest issues she dealt with in couples' counseling.

 

[NY Disney fan]

anotherfakename:
I feel terrible for your situation. I know how it is believe me. I hope you work things out. I'm a marriage failure so I can't even give you good advice. I hope you work through it.