When a man has an affair?

[krcit]

I definitely think some men can seperate sex and love. Absolutely. Look at jesse James. I would not want to be married to a man like that but I know quite a few who feel like that.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

It's a vow in life not in endanger the lives of other people. It's the same as driving drunk, at least with driving drunk, the person is usually driving at night with less traffic. Breaking a vow is MUCH less of a problem than potentially killing people. Sorry, they don't compare, potentially killing people ALWAYS trumps hurting someone's feelings in the game of who is worse.

Idk about you, I'd rather have someone cheat on me than have a good chance of killing me. I like my life, hurt feelings=something I can recover from. Death=not something I can recover from.

Did you even read my post? LOL, typical over-reaction from the Dis. I said talking on a cell in the car was wrong, and I said they were different situations. I actually think putting people's lives in danger is a worse (and jailable) offense. But the situations are not comparable, and therefore it was a silly comparison. Is that really so hard to understand? Try reading the post and not putting your own feelings onto others.

 

[AshleyW]

I definitely think some men can seperate sex and love. Absolutely. Look at jesse James. I would not want to be married to a man like that but I know quite a few who feel like that.

I agree, I think some men and women can. There are people who can have sex with someone other than their husband/wife and still be completely happy in their marriage -- it's just sex. To them, it's like the equivalent of having a conversation with someone other than their husband/wife. Do I agree with it? Not necessarily, but I do know that it's possible for some people.

 

[Muggle-born]

Did you even read my post? LOL, typical over-reaction from the Dis. I said talking on a cell in the car was wrong, and I said they were different situations. I actually think putting people's lives in danger is a worse (and jailable) offense. But the situations are not comparable, and therefore it was a silly comparison. Is that really so hard to understand? Try reading the post and not putting your own feelings onto others.

You didn't read what I said before, so I'll say that snotty line too: Is that really so hard to understand? (as if we're freaking 7 )

Morals in general are comparable. The moral of cheating, and the moral of endangering other are still morals, and they can be compared. My point was, people have different ideas of what is right, what is wrong, and what is sort of OK.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Man, woman, makes no difference. It is all wrong, it is all selfish and IF one wants OUT of a marriage, please just leave............
And as far as "just sex and stay married"...well, too bad I say....(unless both agree to that).
I just think that "something" is lacking "somewhere" in the relationship when affairs happen, and if one needs to step out to "get" what they need..........they should step up, speak up, be an adult and leave! Not have the benefit of the marriage, but thats just me ..............

 

[Buckalew11]

I don't buy into it.

While I think a man or woman may desire to go outside of marriage and sleep with others or have full-blwn emotional affairs, I do not think they can be entirely happy at home and do that. Even if the temptation is there, I think they have vowed to "forsake all others" and they should choose to resist.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who thought it was OK as long as he loved me and thought he was happy.

 

[mhsjax]

I've known someone who was like this, my best friend that I've known since I was 2. I say that because I trust what he tells me in what he says, and I know when he's lying or not telling me the whole story.

James and his wife Sarah got married very young, they were only 19. They had been together since they were 13 though. Now, at 25, he has managed to be with another woman since, someone that we both know, as does Sarah. There's nothing wrong with James, Sarah or the other woman Katie. They're all three wonderful people who, imo, have better morals than 95% of the people I know. Cheating, whether you're the cheater or the person cheating with, doesn't make someone bad, nor does that mean they lack morals. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you either.

I just think people get caught up into bad situations, or tempting ones and they suffice. James and Katie were doing their extramarital activities for about 2 months. It had nothing to do with how he loved Sarah... NOTHING. There was nothing to sway James away from Sarah either, no fighting, no financial problems, all in all, many people would envy their situation (aside from the affair). He ended it, not because anything emotional changed but because Katie was going to grad school at Columbia.

It's very easy to judge a situation when you cannot see it first hand. And while I got a good look at it, I still didn't see it first hand. But I'm not going to think any less of a person, especially my best friend, because of a series of "bad decisions".

I'm not saying cheating is OK but to make it a black & white situation is... unfair (for lack of a better word).

I completely and 100% totally disagree.

 

[mhsjax]

It's a vow in life not in endanger the lives of other people. It's the same as driving drunk, at least with driving drunk, the person is usually driving at night with less traffic. Breaking a vow is MUCH less of a problem than potentially killing people. Sorry, they don't compare, potentially killing people ALWAYS trumps hurting someone's feelings in the game of who is worse.

Idk about you, I'd rather have someone cheat on me than have a good chance of killing me. I like my life, hurt feelings=something I can recover from. Death=not something I can recover from.

Sorry, but these days, cheating can endanger your life. What if and this is a big if. What if your friend cheats, he gets AIDS he doesn't disclose his cheating, his wife gets pregnant the baby has AIDs. Well that is endangering their life. Not to mention HPV, and HERPES which can kill a baby also. if undisclosed and the baby is delivered through the normal means and not c-sect.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I do not believe people who cheat love their spouses. Cheating is not an accident or a mistake. It is a deliberate choice. IMO it is a form of abuse.

 

[Planogirl]

There are people who seem to have all kinds of arrangements and what works for one couple may not work for another. The important thing is to come to an agreement as to how to coexist and then stick to it.

 

[DisTeach1]

I do not believe people who cheat love their spouses. Cheating is not an accident or a mistake. It is a deliberate choice. IMO it is a form of abuse.

There are many men who would disagree with that statement. I've had male friends who claim that men are able to separate things, and there really is no big issue at home, no unhappiness, they just want their flings, like Tiger, I guess.

Don't know if I really understand that way of thinking, and I don't think I would want to be married to someone like that.

 

[Gigi22]

I don't believe that any cheater loves anyone. They don't love their spouse, because they choose to deceive and lie to the spouse. And, they don't love their piece on the side either, because--they implicate that person in an inherently deceitful relationship.
I'm in agreement with the person who stated, "The man who marries his mistress has created a vacancy." Think about it.

 

[disykat]

I don't believe that any cheater loves anyone. They don't love their spouse, because they choose to deceive and lie to the spouse. And, they don't love their piece on the side either, because--they implicate that person in an inherently deceitful relationship.

I agree with you. I think there's a "missing chip" somewhere when people behave this way and they're not really capable of understanding what it means to love someone.

I absolutely believe that the "missing chip" is somewhere in the morality department. (along with several other departments!) That doesn't mean I'm saying people who don't cheat are perfectly moral. I'm not sure where anyone is getting the idea that's what people are saying.

 

[Magpie]

I am using another name but just need some advice and have just been trying to process something. Here goes...

When a man has or seeks an affair, is it still possible that he is completely happy with his wife and his home life, but still just wants an occasional "thing" on the side to add some spice? I guess I've always thought there had to be more to it than that. Also, I think, how can someone who loves their spouse, loves their family, goes to church, etc. and still want something that is so harmful and hurtful? How is that even possible? How is it possible for a man to be happy with his life and do that?

My male friend I have shared this with says yes, a man can be completely happy at home and love his wife, not want a divorce, he just wants a fling from time to time. I don't get it...if men think that way, how can you fight that? If it's not about being happy, than how can a woman even begin to deal with something like this? It would be almost easier to understand if there were admitted issues, or the man wasn't happy, but I don't know how to deal with this kind of thinking.

I'm currently reading a book called "Lust in Translation" which you might find interesting.

Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee, by Pamela Druckerman

Review from Booklist
Here's a surprise: the U.S., which in the past 30 years has grown more open-minded about some sexual issues (such as homosexuality and premarital intercourse), has at the same time grown substantially stricter when it comes to extramarital affairs. Americans are vehemently against adultery, ranking it just a bit below polygamy and human cloning on the list of major no-nos. But in many other countries adultery is not such a big deal--often it's accepted if not formally condoned. In her quest to find out what it is about extramarital sex that provokes such widely differing reactions, the author visited 10 countries, including the U.S., Russia, Japan, and France, and spoke with adulterers, cuckolded spouses, sexologists, marriage counselors, and other interested parties. Interestingly, there seems to be no generally accepted view of adultery. Is it a sin, or a harmless pastime? It depends on whom you speak to, and where you speak to them. This engagingly written, intellectually provocative book is sure to be hotly debated by special-interest groups and individuals who think they know what's best for everybody else. David Pitt
Copyright © American Library Association.

Did you know that in Japan, it's not cheating if you pay for the sex?

Anyway, it was interesting to me to find out how many ideas I had assumed were universal were really just cultural. It doesn't mean I condone cheating - I'm just getting a broader perspective on it as I read this book.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm currently reading a book called "Lust in Translation" which you might find interesting.



Did you know that in Japan, it's not cheating if you pay for the sex?

Anyway, it was interesting to me to find out how many ideas I had assumed were universal were really just cultural. It doesn't mean I condone cheating - I'm just getting a broader perspective on it as I read this book.

Interesting to see your post--that was kind of my first thought: while I don't
get it" it is not that uncommon or looked down upon in many other cultures--even some cultures that are otherwise pretty similar to our own (France for example). For that reason, I think our feelings about how awful adultery is are mostly learned--meaning I can believe that not everyone had it deeply ingrained as a youngster and some men and women could look at it in terms like those in the OP's example.
Make no mistake, I think it is WRONG to deceive your spouse in this way (or in other ways that are not viewed so harshly by society at large), but to me the issue is the deception which has such potential to hurt the one you love whether it is about sex, or money or whatever else.

 

[Gwendolyn]

When someone cheats or is open to cheating in the possible future, or falls in love with someone other than her/his spouse, then the act is not the cause of the problem.

The problem lies within the relationship with the spouse.
That someone can do 4 things:

1. go on with the cheating hoping the spouse wont find out.
Which I think is immoral and not fair to the spouse.
2. leave the spouse and do what they were planing to do: start a relationship with the other person.
Which I think is not a good idea since you never know what you will have in the future and you know what you currently have.
3. leave the spouse and stay single.
which is not ideal because it only solves part of your problem
4. Break contact with the other person. Stop doing your immoral behaviour and think why you were cheating or why you were falling in love with someone else. What is missing in your own relationship. Try work things out with your spouse, try talking to him/her. Go to marriage counseling. Be honest, and willing to fight for your relationship.
And if your spouse doesnt leave you first, your relationship will get better because of it.

 

[bumbershoot]

There are people who seem to have all kinds of arrangements and what works for one couple may not work for another. The important thing is to come to an agreement as to how to coexist and then stick to it.

Absolutely.


There are far too many cultures/countries where it's allowable to be with people other than your spouse, or even areas where it's fine to have more than one spouse, for me to think that people who can be with more than one person are lacking morals, can't love, and/or are messed up somehow.


SOME people who have affairs are messed up. Tiger and Jesse James both seem to have major "daddy" issues, and being a female who had some of those myself, I can definitely see how that would mess someone up.

But I can't say that ALL people who have affairs have problems like that...


Now the person the OP is wondering about...if he has these feelings, great for him...but if he's married to someone who disagrees with it, then he's going to have to stifle his feelings and NOT act on them if he wants to keep his wife in his life, or he's going to have to make a choice to leave his marriage entirely. Obviously it's not going to work.

I've known a couple polyamorous people, and it works for them...wouldn't work for me, but it works for them.


I have a friend from college who seems to be having a series of affairs. She won't talk about it, even when it's right in our faces, so we can't figure out if her husband is OK with it. If he's OK with it, that makes a difference. But she won't talk to us about it, even on the "girl's trip" when another friend and I woke to find the friend and some guy she'd met while dancing the night before asleep on the air mattress in the room we were all sharing. Just shuts down the conversation. But it WOULD make a difference to me and our other mutual friend, if her husband (who we have known only a year less than we have known her) is OK with it.

 

[Scorpio67]

Well, I can tell you the WIFE is not okay with it, they do not have an agreement. He also just says "there are no issues, I'm not unhappy, I love my wife, I just like some fun on the side once in a while".

Otherwise, the family is a pillar...good jobs, great kids, look perfect on FB, go to church, have "positions" in the church, etc.

I just don't know how to deal with the husband...he doesn't have a conscience or see anything wrong. He would never divorce his wife, he "loves" his life as it is.

 

[vettechick99]

I think it's hard for women to understand why men cheat. And the reasons why men do are different than why women do. Oprah had an author on who studied men and why they cheat and his book was free to download for a few weeks. I snagged it - great reading!!! Your eyes will be opened.

Anyone who wants it, PM me.

 

[Christine]

Well, I can tell you the WIFE is not okay with it, they do not have an agreement. He also just says "there are no issues, I'm not unhappy, I love my wife, I just like some fun on the side once in a while".

Otherwise, the family is a pillar...good jobs, great kids, look perfect on FB, go to church, have "positions" in the church, etc.

I just don't know how to deal with the husband...he doesn't have a conscience or see anything wrong. He would never divorce his wife, he "loves" his life as it is.

Ahhhh...."CAKEMAN". I think that's an internet term for men like this.

My theory on this is that, as a species, many of us our wired to not do well with monogamy. I don't believe that we were necessarily "made" to be monogamous. That's my scientific view. Societally, we have certainly been told that this is how it should be.

I don't believe ALL human beings have a problem with monogamy but I think there are some men and women who do and it's as simple as that. I think the drive for variety is strong enough that they cheat. These are more likely to be your serial cheaters versus the man or woman who cheats that one time. I think there's a lot of stuff in the DNA (wired into us) that we just don't know about. I know they've already seen traits in people that some seem to have the "God" gene, meaning that faith and spirituality seem to be an inborn trait.

Humans are as varied as can be and I don't think you'll ever find the one reason why some people are like this.