When a man has an affair?

[lacrosse_lady72]

I think there's a lot of stuff in the DNA (wired into us) that we just don't know about. I know they've already seen traits in people that some seem to have the "God" gene, meaning that faith and spirituality seem to be an inborn trait.

It's funny you should mention that... I had a professor (a great one btw who has worked with Nobel Prize winners and went to some amazing universities) who told our class about traits passed down in DNA that cause things. I need to pull up my notes from that lecture but the one I remember the most is bad test taking (when you know the material) can be an inherited trait and you can blame mom for that.

 

[Robindianne]

I've known someone who was like this, my best friend that I've known since I was 2. I say that because I trust what he tells me in what he says, and I know when he's lying or not telling me the whole story.

James and his wife Sarah got married very young, they were only 19. They had been together since they were 13 though. Now, at 25, he has managed to be with another woman since, someone that we both know, as does Sarah. There's nothing wrong with James, Sarah or the other woman Katie. They're all three wonderful people who, imo, have better morals than 95% of the people I know. Cheating, whether you're the cheater or the person cheating with, doesn't make someone bad, nor does that mean they lack morals. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you either.

I just think people get caught up into bad situations, or tempting ones and they suffice. James and Katie were doing their extramarital activities for about 2 months. It had nothing to do with how he loved Sarah... NOTHING. There was nothing to sway James away from Sarah either, no fighting, no financial problems, all in all, many people would envy their situation (aside from the affair). He ended it, not because anything emotional changed but because Katie was going to grad school at Columbia.

It's very easy to judge a situation when you cannot see it first hand. And while I got a good look at it, I still didn't see it first hand. But I'm not going to think any less of a person, especially my best friend, because of a series of "bad decisions".

I'm not saying cheating is OK but to make it a black & white situation is... unfair (for lack of a better word).

This

 

[dis.siamese]

Okay, I've debated posting this for a while and am finally posting it under a sock puppet. I just want people to know that not everyone lives the way they live and that not everyone thinks about infidelity the same way.

My DH has a problem keeping it in his pants. He's had two affairs that I've known about. He's also had at least on affair that I am "unaware" of. I don't plan on ever bringing it up because I don't see what help it would do.

The last woman was a Domme. And I actually met her one day: up until this point I'd seen one picture of her and she showed up at a charity event I was working wearing the EXACT SAME jewelry my DH had given me for the past 3 years. . .the jewelry was a tad much, I thought, given that the event was outdoors and hot. I must have smirked, in fact, I'm sure I smirked, because I thought it was too funny that she resorted to slinking around, intentionally wearing the same jewelry as me, at a charity event, to meet me. After all, I have the wedding bands, the house, the kids, the keys to his heart; and I'm the one who picked out the jewelry! Anyway, she slunk off and broke it off with him immediately after and he hasn't strayed since.

Here's the deal. I love him dearly, I have a good relationship with him and we're very compatible. I don't see myself doing any better. He's attractive, sweet, and I like being around him. We'll happily stay married until we die. Why would I give that up just because he has a hard time with sleeping in one bed? Seriously, I could care less.

I won't be back under this name, I just wanted to get this off my chest. There are those of us who know our husbands cheat. We don't care. And in point of fact, there are times we may intentionally not know. If we're happy in our relationship (and have made sure we've gotten tested - under the guise of having a "weird UTI") what's it to the rest of the world? I don't think adultery, when weighed against everything else that's important in a relationship, is an unforgivable sin, or even, really, a major one. Not loving me, not committing to be with me until we die (and not cheerfully suffering through our family's annual Disney trip), not loving our kids, those would be cause for a divorce, not the occasional improper knocking of boots with the wrong person.

 

[Robindianne]

Okay, I've debated posting this for a while and am finally posting it under a sock puppet. I just want people to know that not everyone lives the way they live and that not everyone thinks about infidelity the same way.

My DH has a problem keeping it in his pants. He's had two affairs that I've known about. He's also had at least on affair that I am "unaware" of. I don't plan on ever bringing it up because I don't see what help it would do.

The last woman was a Domme. And I actually met her one day: up until this point I'd seen one picture of her and she showed up at a charity event I was working wearing the EXACT SAME jewelry my DH had given me for the past 3 years. . .the jewelry was a tad much, I thought, given that the event was outdoors and hot. I must have smirked, in fact, I'm sure I smirked, because I thought it was too funny that she resorted to slinking around, intentionally wearing the same jewelry as me, at a charity event, to meet me. After all, I have the wedding bands, the house, the kids, the keys to his heart; and I'm the one who picked out the jewelry! Anyway, she slunk off and broke it off with him immediately after and he hasn't strayed since.

Here's the deal. I love him dearly, I have a good relationship with him and we're very compatible. I don't see myself doing any better. He's attractive, sweet, and I like being around him. We'll happily stay married until we die. Why would I give that up just because he has a hard time with sleeping in one bed? Seriously, I could care less.

I won't be back under this name, I just wanted to get this off my chest. There are those of us who know our husbands cheat. We don't care. And in point of fact, there are times we may intentionally not know. If we're happy in our relationship (and have made sure we've gotten tested - under the guise of having a "weird UTI") what's it to the rest of the world? I don't think adultery, when weighed against everything else that's important in a relationship, is an unforgivable sin, or even, really, a major one. Not loving me, not committing to be with me until we die (and not cheerfully suffering through our family's annual Disney trip), not loving our kids, those would be cause for a divorce, not the occasional improper knocking of boots with the wrong person.

While this set up would not work for me, as a wife, I completely get that it works for some. It doesn't mean there is anything "wrong" with either of you.It works for you. Why should either of you even consider divorce? I support you 100%. And understand that others may not, so I see why you posted under a diff name. What you and your spouse do, agree to (implicitly or explicitly) is none of our business. I aplaud you for knowing what your needs and deal-breakers are and sticking with them.

 

[aduck126]

Okay, I've debated posting this for a while and am finally posting it under a sock puppet. I just want people to know that not everyone lives the way they live and that not everyone thinks about infidelity the same way.

My DH has a problem keeping it in his pants. He's had two affairs that I've known about. He's also had at least on affair that I am "unaware" of. I don't plan on ever bringing it up because I don't see what help it would do.

The last woman was a Domme. And I actually met her one day: up until this point I'd seen one picture of her and she showed up at a charity event I was working wearing the EXACT SAME jewelry my DH had given me for the past 3 years. . .the jewelry was a tad much, I thought, given that the event was outdoors and hot. I must have smirked, in fact, I'm sure I smirked, because I thought it was too funny that she resorted to slinking around, intentionally wearing the same jewelry as me, at a charity event, to meet me. After all, I have the wedding bands, the house, the kids, the keys to his heart; and I'm the one who picked out the jewelry! Anyway, she slunk off and broke it off with him immediately after and he hasn't strayed since.

Here's the deal. I love him dearly, I have a good relationship with him and we're very compatible. I don't see myself doing any better. He's attractive, sweet, and I like being around him. We'll happily stay married until we die. Why would I give that up just because he has a hard time with sleeping in one bed? Seriously, I could care less.

I won't be back under this name, I just wanted to get this off my chest. There are those of us who know our husbands cheat. We don't care. And in point of fact, there are times we may intentionally not know. If we're happy in our relationship (and have made sure we've gotten tested - under the guise of having a "weird UTI") what's it to the rest of the world? I don't think adultery, when weighed against everything else that's important in a relationship, is an unforgivable sin, or even, really, a major one. Not loving me, not committing to be with me until we die (and not cheerfully suffering through our family's annual Disney trip), not loving our kids, those would be cause for a divorce, not the occasional improper knocking of boots with the wrong person.

you are a much more mature person than me. If I was in that situation I would be causing a holy ruckus and screaming at him non stop. He would be not allowed to leave the house. I don't think I could ever get over DH's "improper knocking of boots"

 

[HOGFAN]

more power to ya siamese....and if you wanna have a little 'fun' yourself...why not?

 

[Buckalew11]

Okay, I've debated posting this for a while and am finally posting it under a sock puppet. I just want people to know that not everyone lives the way they live and that not everyone thinks about infidelity the same way.

My DH has a problem keeping it in his pants. He's had two affairs that I've known about. He's also had at least on affair that I am "unaware" of. I don't plan on ever bringing it up because I don't see what help it would do.

The last woman was a Domme. And I actually met her one day: up until this point I'd seen one picture of her and she showed up at a charity event I was working wearing the EXACT SAME jewelry my DH had given me for the past 3 years. . .the jewelry was a tad much, I thought, given that the event was outdoors and hot. I must have smirked, in fact, I'm sure I smirked, because I thought it was too funny that she resorted to slinking around, intentionally wearing the same jewelry as me, at a charity event, to meet me. After all, I have the wedding bands, the house, the kids, the keys to his heart; and I'm the one who picked out the jewelry! Anyway, she slunk off and broke it off with him immediately after and he hasn't strayed since.

Here's the deal. I love him dearly, I have a good relationship with him and we're very compatible. I don't see myself doing any better. He's attractive, sweet, and I like being around him. We'll happily stay married until we die. Why would I give that up just because he has a hard time with sleeping in one bed? Seriously, I could care less.

I won't be back under this name, I just wanted to get this off my chest. There are those of us who know our husbands cheat. We don't care. And in point of fact, there are times we may intentionally not know. If we're happy in our relationship (and have made sure we've gotten tested - under the guise of having a "weird UTI") what's it to the rest of the world? I don't think adultery, when weighed against everything else that's important in a relationship, is an unforgivable sin, or even, really, a major one. Not loving me, not committing to be with me until we die (and not cheerfully suffering through our family's annual Disney trip), not loving our kids, those would be cause for a divorce, not the occasional improper knocking of boots with the wrong person.

I'm wondering how long you've been married.

I'd say "what ever works for ya" but since I think we answer to a higher power, I can't even say that. I'll just say I hope no one ends up getting hurt--esp. your kids.
There'll come a day when someone wonders "is this all there is?" and you might be 50, 55 or 60. But I'd definitely be socking some $$ away for a rainy day. good luck.

 

[livie1205]

flame away BUT....your a fool if you think that those cheating men (or women) really love you and are just running around after sex! I am sorry but its gross..and no way would he being going on ANY family trips to wdw ever again...as a matter of fact on one of our trips we were sitting on a bench next to a man on his cell (very loudly) telling his g friend "no honey I love YOU not her,I cant stand to even look at her but I had to come with the kids" then rush her off the phone when his wife came back with the dole whips! It was sick..I will never forget feeling so bad for this lady pushing around a double stroller and looking tired and worn out while her hubby chatted with another women looking well put together and refreshed!
cheating is NEVER ok! It can kill these days...there is no excuse.

 

[terri01p]

 

[Lady V]

. They're all three wonderful people who, imo, have better morals than 95% of the people I know. Cheating, whether you're the cheater or the person cheating with, doesn't make someone bad, nor does that mean they lack morals.

What??I must say it doesn't say much for the morals of the other 95% if the cheaters are of higher moral standard. I'm going to repectfully, and loudly, disagree that these people have morals. It is pure selfishness and trash that leads to cheating and to be friends with the spouse? That is pure trash. But at least there is such a thing as karma so they can look forward to thier spouses meeting some people with those high moral standards.

 

[usnuzuloose]

It does not matter if it is one time or twenty, it affects everyone, want to know what it really looks like, if you have never been in divorce court go watch and then see who is really hurting. It is morally wrong. And weather some want to believe it or not there is going to be people answering for it.

 

[Sparx]

I think it's hard for women to understand why men cheat. And the reasons why men do are different than why women do. Oprah had an author on who studied men and why they cheat and his book was free to download for a few weeks. I snagged it - great reading!!! Your eyes will be opened.

Anyone who wants it, PM me.

I took a Marriage and Family Systems class a few semesters ago and we talked a LOT about cheating and how it affects the whole family system. One point that was brought up was a study that surveyed husbands/wives who have had affairs. Of course they all had different reasons but the two main points that showed up were that the men cheated because an opportunity arose and they did not go out of their way for it (like an office romance) and women would go out of their way to cheat because they were unhappy and to "get back" at their signifcant other. I can't recall who did the study or when it was from and of course it was only one study so I cannot say that this is a 100% rule for all cases.

 

[indimom]

I am using another name but just need some advice and have just been trying to process something. Here goes...

When a man has or seeks an affair, is it still possible that he is completely happy with his wife and his home life, but still just wants an occasional "thing" on the side to add some spice? I guess I've always thought there had to be more to it than that. Also, I think, how can someone who loves their spouse, loves their family, goes to church, etc. and still want something that is so harmful and hurtful? How is that even possible? How is it possible for a man to be happy with his life and do that?

My male friend I have shared this with says yes, a man can be completely happy at home and love his wife, not want a divorce, he just wants a fling from time to time. I don't get it...if men think that way, how can you fight that? If it's not about being happy, than how can a woman even begin to deal with something like this? It would be almost easier to understand if there were admitted issues, or the man wasn't happy, but I don't know how to deal with this kind of thinking.

Sure, the guy can be happy. He's getting his cake and eating it too. What's not to like?
The problem is when the wife is NOT on board. Chances are she'll find out eventually, and then happy flies out the window for everyone in that house, including the children.

 

[mickeysgal]

Sure, the guy can be happy. He's getting his cake and eating it too. What's not to like?

BINGO! Well said.

I don't care if wifey (or hubby in the reverse situation) is ok with it or not, if I knew a person cheated, I wouldn't trust them, I wouldn't want to be associated with them - personally or professionally, and I certainly wouldn't hire them or recommend them for a job. I think it shows an extreme lack of character, sound judgement, and morals.

And what is wrong with those that "say" it's ok with them that hubby cheats? Is your self esteem that low that you're willing to accept this?

 

[boyob13]

And what is wrong with those that "say" it's ok with them that hubby cheats? Is your self esteem that low that you're willing to accept this?

It's probably likely that they just don't care. Siamese up there seems glad to have who she has and is willing to overlook that. Not all people have the same sense of marriage, and I'm fine with that. I'm not effected and don't care, why should you?

 

[MushyMushy]

BINGO! Well said.

I don't care if wifey (or hubby in the reverse situation) is ok with it or not, if I knew a person cheated, I wouldn't trust them, I wouldn't want to be associated with them - personally or professionally, and I certainly wouldn't hire them or recommend them for a job. I think it shows an extreme lack of character, sound judgement, and morals.

And what is wrong with those that "say" it's ok with them that hubby cheats? Is your self esteem that low that you're willing to accept this?

That falls into open marriage territory and I don't believe it's cheating when the other spouse consents, whether the other spouse is getting some on the side or not.

 

[dmslush]

dis.siamese,

I know you said you weren't coming back to post under this name, but I at least hope you read this. If you are happy, more power to you.. but I do want to voice one concerns.... you said that you get tested under the guise of a UTI. What worries me about this is the risk you are putting your health at. AIDS is not going to be taken care of with some antibiotics. Some of these STDS are putting your whole family at risk due due to the risk it is posing to your life. If you and your husband are really open about this and the lifestyle, please talk to him about using protection to prevent bring diseases home to you.

 

[Buckalew11]

dis.siamese your post is one of the most sad I beleive I have ever read. How can you truly be happy with a man that you know is cheating? How can a man/women cheat if they really love their family.
I can't imagine my dh cheating while I was home taking care of our family. I don't care how good looking the man, how good he treated the kids etc.. if you don't love me enough to want to respect me and have the respect of other's than I say GET OUT, to heck with growning old with this clown.

I'm thinking it has less to do with how he looks and how he treats the kids and more to do with the money he makes/inherited and the lifestyle she lives and has grown accustomed to. Plus, you throw in the "you did this to me so you owe me this and that" and if one likes materalistic things, one has it made (in a sense). I'm betting there are some nice clothing, shoes, bags, house, furniture, jewelry, cars and vacations happening in that household. JMGuess.

 

[mickeysgal]

It's probably likely that they just don't care. Siamese up there seems glad to have who she has and is willing to overlook that. Not all people have the same sense of marriage, and I'm fine with that. I'm not effected and don't care, why should you?

Why do I care? Not sure. Maybe perhaps if there are children involved, I care that they see this as normal behavior. Little girls that grow up and think that this is norm and that they don't deserve the respect of a faithful husband, little boys grow up thinking they can do anything they want with no repercusion, co-workers and friends that have to deal with the cheater and as a result, the trust factor is compromised because yes, your integrity is now shot.

 

[Spoodleink]

BINGO! Well said.

I don't care if wifey (or hubby in the reverse situation) is ok with it or not, if I knew a person cheated, I wouldn't trust them, I wouldn't want to be associated with them - personally or professionally, and I certainly wouldn't hire them or recommend them for a job. I think it shows an extreme lack of character, sound judgement, and morals.

And what is wrong with those that "say" it's ok with them that hubby cheats? Is your self esteem that low that you're willing to accept this?

Not everyone is the same and not every relationship is the same. Just because you have a problem with cheating doesn't mean everyone should. And from your statement above you're probably not the type of person I would be interested in having anything to do with. I have never cheated and never been cheated on so I have no horse in this race . However I don't think that because someone cheats they are a worthless human being. I also think someone can love their SO very much and still cheat. Humans are complex and their motivations can't be explained in simple terms.