When a friend confides they're pretty deep in debt...

[Ember]

I have a beautiful friend who recently confessed she and her husband are in a pretty serious amount of debt. Between the mortgage, cars and credit cards they owe a heart-attack inducing amount. They are also actively trying to have a baby...

The thing is now I feel so darn awkward and I don't know how to get over it. I totally get that this is my problem, not hers. But when she talks about their upcoming trip to LA, or redoing their basement, or getting a new iPhone, all I can think of in my head are criticisms. I want to shake her and make her see sense. I do not want this to ruin our friendship, but I honestly wish she hadn't told me. I was happier not knowing.

 

[Aliceacc]

How about this?

Get her a copy of one of Dave Ramsay's books. (I've only read one, but forget its title. Do a little homework, and find one that applies.)

Then tell her you were shopping, thought of your conversation, and thought this might help. And that you promise not to bring up the subject again, though you would be more than happy to help her brainstorm ways to cut their debt if she wants to discuss it.

Then drop the subject, leaving the ball in her court.

 

[QVCshopper]

One of my friends is like this, and I've tried to help. For about two to three years now, I've given good financial advice. While she will try and has made some steps, she keeps posting things for sale on Facebook that she has to sell tonight to pay a bill (I bought something once), or setting up donation pages so her friends and family can give money for her to do different things (that are necessary). It's sad.

We are childhood friends and she would just buy whatever she wanted while I watched my money (family was poor). The difference now is staggering. Anyway, I like the book idea, but know in your heart she may not change and maybe doesn't want to change unless something happens.

 

[2disneyboys]

The thing is, some people dont really want help if it involves them having to make changes. I have a friend who knows I am a facilator for financial peace (Ramsey) classes, & she will come to me & whine about how she never has any $ and even asked me to help her go over her budget (i never push my ideals on people, but everyone who knows me, knows how it has changed my life). She basically refuses to follow any budget but wants to complain on why it is everyone else's fault that she "can't get ahead". But she is one of those with the mentality of ( for example) oh this bill is $200 and I only have $125, so rather than save the &125, she spend it On Something "fun" and hopes the next paycheck has $200 to cover the bill.

OP, my suggestion is to let it go. You can not "win" someone over to your way of thinking until they are actually ready to make those choices. If something comes up again refer her to a particular book or webcast/website and tell her how it helped you. I know it's hard, but its all you can really do.

 

[PosadaGirl519]

More and more friends are confessing to being in financial trouble to us as well. I've been there. We are now debt-free except for 1 financed car. Because we had to live so tight for so long to fix our finances, we just continue to be frugal now. Now, we just deposit all our extra money into a money market which I am happy to say is growing beautifully My husband and I work very hard to keep our family's head above water. But it aint easy. Most people don't know how to manage their finances and end up in a lot of trouble.

I took shelter with one of these families for a week in the wake of Sandy (we are coastal Long Island, they are more in-land). One day, she confided how much trouble they are in and even shared about a few other couples in our group who are in the same situation. We sat down together with a notebook and their monthly bills to create a ledger of how much money they needed each week (she didn't even know their total for the month), what their financial goals are, why they need the 'do not touch in case of emergency' fund, and how important it is to know where money will need to go in 6 months. I am not sure if it helped, we have not discussed it since. This might not be the best idea for you. Seeing as how everyone in Sandy was the biggest ego-check to happen to this area since 9/11 we were all shocked and looking for anything to keep our minds off of what was happening around us. My friend was probably more willing to be so open about this very personal information with me because we had just been sucker-punched by Mother Nature.

If I was you I would ignore it. As long as she's not taking anything away from you why do you care so much? She's not going to change. If you can't stop judging her, you are not really her friend. Help her if you want to. I just saw a great idea on facebook about how to save money for 52 weeks. Week 1, put away $1. Week 2, $2. Week 3, $3... and up and up and up until week 52, you put away $52. It ends up being over $1,300 at the end of the year! That's certainly an iPhone and 6 months of service.

Best of luck with this icky situation.

 

[eliza61]

The thing is now I feel so darn awkward and I don't know how to get over it. I totally get that this is my problem, not hers. But when she talks about their upcoming trip to LA, or redoing their basement, or getting a new iPhone, all I can think of in my head are criticisms. I want to shake her and make her see sense. I do not want this to ruin our friendship, but I honestly wish she hadn't told me. I was happier not knowing.

Why? Listen, I learned long time ago that the things that are important to me are not the things that are important to others.

I have a sister, I don't know if she's in debt but she is a fashionista. Think Carrie Bradshaw and Samatha jones from sex in the city. Her and my BIl live in NYC, they eat out every day, I don't think she owns a pair of shows that are not Prada or Manolo Blaniks.
Now I don't know if she charges this stuff or not, nor do I care. It's not my lifestyle and she's not in my pocket. She is well over the age of 40 and is extremely happy. So who the heck am I to criticize?

A couple of things to think about:

Ask yourself, what makes her my friend? Is she not the same person. You say you want to make her see "SENSE" but what you really mean is you want her to think and act as you do and that's not fair. Is she asking you for money? What effect does her being in debt have on you other than you don't approve.

Sorry I find DR followers and reformed smokers to be a very judgemental bunch (which is probably me judging. LOL )

Sorry but if her financial situation is effecting your view of her, I'd question the relationship especially if she's not asking you for money.

Now it's an entirely new ball game if she came to you asking for help or advice. Did she do that?

 

[ICF]

This is why so many people are in debt.....even if they realize that they have a problem, they dont want to make the life changes to fix the mess they are in. If you are deep in debt, a trip to LA, basement remodel and the like are probably really bad ideas.

I don't know what to tell you on how to handle this, but I'd probably just keep my mouth shut....until such time she comes to you for money.

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

As much as I know this hurts you that your friend is not financially secure, what you have to think about is how financially secure you are. Keep thinking to yourself that you have peace of mind knowing that you are not living beyond your means. You have a good head on your shoulders to realize you can't and shouldn't over extend your budget. You can make ends meet and are not worried about how your are going to pay for something.

There are people who don't look at their future and the live for the moment. Even if it means being in high debt.

I know it hurts but seek comfort from within knowing that you are not the one who has to come up with the money to cover this debt. Take comfort in where you are financially.

 

[Marionnette]

I have a beautiful friend who recently confessed she and her husband are in a pretty serious amount of debt. Between the mortgage, cars and credit cards they owe a heart-attack inducing amount. They are also actively trying to have a baby...

The thing is now I feel so darn awkward and I don't know how to get over it. I totally get that this is my problem, not hers. But when she talks about their upcoming trip to LA, or redoing their basement, or getting a new iPhone, all I can think of in my head are criticisms. I want to shake her and make her see sense. I do not want this to ruin our friendship, but I honestly wish she hadn't told me. I was happier not knowing.

It can be hard to keep your tongue when you know her financial status. But chances are that even though she unburdened on you, she is not looking for your advice. She just wants sympathy. I have a brother who makes poor financial choices. I learned a long time ago that when he vents about his finances, he is not looking to me for money or advice. He is just venting.

It can be difficult to feign enthusiasm for a friend's new purchases when you know that they're hurting themselves by being so irresponsible. So don't pretend when she starts to go on about that new basement or iPhone. Just smile and listen without encouraging her. Then change the subject to one of your mutual interests.

 

[jimmytammy]

First, its a step to admit to yourself and others you are in debt. Thats big and maybe she is crying for help, just doesnt know to reverse it all. I dont know this person, but so want to share this with her. If all of the USA would latch onto this(including our govt. officials)we would all be the better for it.

And it is this... I feel like I am doing a disservice to my friends and family if I dont share Dave Ramseys Total Money Makeover with them when they are in need of it. It changed our lives. I am not trying be religous in any way, but one of the smartest things he says in this book is this...God doesnt want us in debt, otherwise our focus is not on Him, but on where that next dollar is coming from. Truth is, we are not taught how to manage money in school, maybe how to write a check, or spend a week or so studying the stock market. And most of our parents never teach us either. We may have heard growing up, "you better save", but those words never took with me. It made sense, but none of us can know as kids how tough our futures would be. Therefore, we never know truly how to budget. And budget is they key word.

Tell her this, in as friendly way as possible...money doesnt know the difference, meaning it(money)doesnt know where it is going, only the person who has it and spends it knows where it goes(and sometimes, they dont). Until we all teach ourselves how to budget our money, most of us will never get even with our finances, let alone, get ahead!!

My idea of financial success is being able to pay a bill as soon as it arrives. Im there now thanks to Total Money Makeover. I still have 2 debts that I need to eliminate from my life, just stuff that piled up from mistakes along the way, but one of these, because of budgeting properly, is being paid in full this month Even though we still will have a biggy to get behind us, I see the way to get there now, before this book, I didnt have a clue. There is light at the end of the tunnel for sure.

Please share with her the book, get a copy from the library if it helps. If she adopts to it, she will want a copy of her own.

 

[espana94]

I just saw a great idea on facebook about how to save money for 52 weeks. Week 1, put away $1. Week 2, $2. Week 3, $3... and up and up and up until week 52, you put away $52. It ends up being over $1,300 at the end of the year! That's certainly an iPhone and 6 months of service.

Wow, I LOVE this idea...Definitely going to try it to beef up our emergency fund!

 

[Fyrefly]

Rather than stewing and worrying about it I would just ask her straight out.

"Hey ___, you said you were having some problems with money. I made some changes of my own that worked out very well for me and I'd be happy to offer advice if you'd like But if you were just venting to vent then I don't want to overstep in your business."

Then you either have the go-ahead to offer advice with a clear conscience (and remember she might not take it!) or just take a step back and accept that if she wants to drive herself off a cliff, that's what's going to happen.

 

[HappieMommie]

Wow, I LOVE this idea...Definitely going to try it to beef up our emergency fund!

Me, too! This is great!

 

[C_leen]

This savings plan was on my FB feed and someone also suggested to flip it so at Xmas u are on the downhill slide. Not a bad idea at all.

 

[sk!mom]

First, its a step to admit to yourself and others you are in debt. Thats big and maybe she is crying for help, just doesnt know to reverse it all. I dont know this person, but so want to share this with her. If all of the USA would latch onto this(including our govt. officials)we would all be the better for it.

And it is this... I feel like I am doing a disservice to my friends and family if I dont share Dave Ramseys Total Money Makeover with them when they are in need of it. It changed our lives. I am not trying be religous in any way, but one of the smartest things he says in this book is this...God doesnt want us in debt, otherwise our focus is not on Him, but on where that next dollar is coming from. Truth is, we are not taught how to manage money in school, maybe how to write a check, or spend a week or so studying the stock market. And most of our parents never teach us either. We may have heard growing up, "you better save", but those words never took with me. It made sense, but none of us can know as kids how tough our futures would be. Therefore, we never know truly how to budget. And budget is they key word.

Tell her this, in as friendly way as possible...money doesnt know the difference, meaning it(money)doesnt know where it is going, only the person who has it and spends it knows where it goes(and sometimes, they dont). Until we all teach ourselves how to budget our money, most of us will never get even with our finances, let alone, get ahead!!

My idea of financial success is being able to pay a bill as soon as it arrives. Im there now thanks to Total Money Makeover. I still have 2 debts that I need to eliminate from my life, just stuff that piled up from mistakes along the way, but one of these, because of budgeting properly, is being paid in full this month Even though we still will have a biggy to get behind us, I see the way to get there now, before this book, I didnt have a clue. There is light at the end of the tunnel for sure.

Please share with her the book, get a copy from the library if it helps. If she adopts to it, she will want a copy of her own.

I couldn't disagree more and cannot think of a more judgmental way to treat a friend. That's just a bad as suggesting to an overweight friend that you know a good diet. If the OP's friend asks for advice then feel free but unsolicited advice is never appreciated and rarely successful.

I would point out that many people feel just as you stated in the phrase I bolded - as long as they can pay their debts they're fine.

 

[ilovemk76]

I have a beautiful friend who recently confessed she and her husband are in a pretty serious amount of debt. Between the mortgage, cars and credit cards they owe a heart-attack inducing amount. They are also actively trying to have a baby...

The thing is now I feel so darn awkward and I don't know how to get over it. I totally get that this is my problem, not hers. But when she talks about their upcoming trip to LA, or redoing their basement, or getting a new iPhone, all I can think of in my head are criticisms. I want to shake her and make her see sense. I do not want this to ruin our friendship, but I honestly wish she hadn't told me. I was happier not knowing.

I do not care as long as they do not use me or the taxpayers to live.

 

[ceecee]

It really has nothing to do with you, so you shouldn't feel awkward. If you really think she wants your help, get her a Dave Ramsey book. More than likely, she doesn't want your help.
There's a girl I know who whines all the time about not having $, I suggested she get rid of her expensive cell plan ($180 a month) and use TracFone, she looked at me like I was crazy.

 

[mrsklamc]

OP- if you really feel the need to do something, lobby your school district for teaching financial education, cause this is widespread problem. Unfortunately, unless your friend wants your help, it's pretty useless to try and help...what's the phrase I'm looking for...something about, people not changing until changing becomes more painful than not changing.

 

[Colleen27]

Ask yourself, what makes her my friend? Is she not the same person. You say you want to make her see "SENSE" but what you really mean is you want her to think and act as you do and that's not fair. Is she asking you for money? What effect does her being in debt have on you other than you don't approve.

Sorry I find DR followers and reformed smokers to be a very judgemental bunch (which is probably me judging. LOL )

Sorry but if her financial situation is effecting your view of her, I'd question the relationship especially if she's not asking you for money.

I agree. Friends don't have to see eye to eye on everything. I have friends who couldn't be more opposite from my own views on politics, religion, gender issues, etc. and none of that has anything to do with why we're friends. The minute you start thinking you need to make a friend see "sense", aka share your worldview, you put your need to be right over the friendship.

It is one thing if she asked for advice. If she did, by all means point her in the direction of DR or anything else you find helpful. But if she didn't, unsolicited advice is likely to come across as condescending at best and insulting at worst. You wouldn't volunteer diet and exercise tips to a friend with a weight problem, would you? Offering up unsolicited financial advice to a friend with a spending problem is no different. Until she's good and ready to confront the issue, it won't be appreciated.

 

[4luv2cdisney]

I have a beautiful friend who recently confessed she and her husband are in a pretty serious amount of debt. Between the mortgage, cars and credit cards they owe a heart-attack inducing amount. They are also actively trying to have a baby...

The thing is now I feel so darn awkward and I don't know how to get over it. I totally get that this is my problem, not hers. But when she talks about their upcoming trip to LA, or redoing their basement, or getting a new iPhone, all I can think of in my head are criticisms. I want to shake her and make her see sense. I do not want this to ruin our friendship, but I honestly wish she hadn't told me. I was happier not knowing.

Did they say they are having trouble paying their bills or something? She's not asking you for money, right? Most of the people I know IRL have a large mortgage, car payments and some credit card debt or school loans, etc. Especially my younger friends (you mentioned they are trying to have a baby so I assume they are young-ish)

I guess the nature of the conversation would be a little helpful in trying to understand how you feel. I admit that I get irked at some friends and family members when they "cry poor" because they are often the very same friends and family members who make more money than we do! I get even more irked when they suggest that somehow we don't deserve what we have (or more likely that they deserve more) because my DH is a blue collar worker and I was a SAHM and still only work part time. Sorry, kind of off topic! I just know how awkward those conversations are for me, and I imagine there is more to your story with this friend as well.