When a friend confides they're pretty deep in debt...

[Disney_Ohana]

I'd probably be alittle irked if she was just some lady having a pity party but it seems like she's your friend and going through some stuff and needs you. If she's a good friend of yours confiding in you or just plain venting to you she probably appreciates your listening non-judgemental ear. If she seemed to be asking for a solution or advice that I probably wouldn't be uncomfortable suggesting Financial Peace University or some other debt counseling since she's a friend. If she was going through tough times with her husband I'd have books, counselors, etc I'd suggest as well. Some empathy & kindness goes a long way

 

[Tinkerbellie16]

You sound like a concerned friend! And that is completely normal and kind of you. If she wants advice, give it. If she doesn't ask though, you could cause harm to your friendship and she wouldn't listen to your advice either. But there is nothing wrong with you suggesting low cost things to do with her rather than going to an expensive dinner or event. Be there for her when she needs you and enjoy all the aspects of your friendship!

 

[jimmytammy]

I couldn't disagree more and cannot think of a more judgmental way to treat a friend. That's just a bad as suggesting to an overweight friend that you know a good diet. If the OP's friend asks for advice then feel free but unsolicited advice is never appreciated and rarely successful.

I would point out that many people feel just as you stated in the phrase I bolded - as long as they can pay their debts they're fine.

Sorry, in reading my post back, I realize that this may have come across as brash and judgemental, but my intent was not meant that way. The original poster after I re-read, I realize has no reason to go back to her friend to give advice, as her friend isnt asking for help.

To know me, you would see I am only trying to help. I get excited when I have a chance to help others. Problem is, sometimes it backfires So if I offended you or anyone else here, again, I am sorry.

 

[Southern Bell]

I would personally stay out of my married friends matters. Even when asked I have learned from past experiences that its best to leave a married couple with any problem alone. ITs their problem and theres alone to work out and you do not want to be in the middle of it. They will turn on you. Its their business how much they spend, where they go, what they charge. My husband would not appreciate a friend in our financial affairs. But he wouldn't appreciate me telling her about our personal business easier. Hopefully its not so much debt that they start borrowing from you. Then it becomes your business to tell them they need to seek help else where, like a financial adviser. It sounds though that it bothers you more than your friend. So...It may not be as bad as she has made you think. Sometimes people use you as a sounding board and they really don't want your advice at all. They just want you to listen. But...sometimes that can get old and its hard to hold your opinions.

 

[bluedoggy]

We know people like this too. Constantly trying to live paycheck to paycheck. Have been that way for years. My DH and I are quite frugal, never have made alot of $$$, but have lived within our means. We don't spend money we can't afford.
Now, this has started to cause a problem this last year.
We took several vacations. We have DVC, which we bought years ago. Using points we did Fla, Aulani and DL. Well, it has been thrown in our face for months about how we could go to Hawaii, and they can't. My DH is so sick of it. We have to feel guilty that we take a trip.

Now we can't feel comfortable to share any upcoming plans, and have to "sneak around" if we buy something. Lest, we are chastised by them.

Kind of sad that people are jealous. I would never not be happy for someone if they are able to do something that is special to them.

 

[mrsklamc]

We have to feel guilty that we take a trip.

No, you don't. They may want you to, but no one is in control of your feelings but you. Just say "We worked hard and saved for lots of years to be able to afford these types of vacations," or even "well, we aren't asking you to pay for it, so...." and let it drop. If they won't, just keep repeating yourself.

 

[bluedoggy]

Thanks mrsklamc... just is uncomfortable since it is a family-member...
will use the "we're not asking you to pay for it" line... like that one...

 

[eliza61]

Now we can't feel comfortable to share any upcoming plans, and have to "sneak around" if we buy something. Lest, we are chastised by them.

Kind of sad that people are jealous. I would never not be happy for someone if they are able to do something that is special to them.

this happens a lot. I'm slowly remodeling my kitchen. Have been planning and saving to do it for 4 years. So I put in my tile floors before Christmas, then put in new light fixtures. New Years eve my cousin stops over for dinner and says to me "must be nice to have a rich husband...." WTH!!!

We're pretty close so I immediately got in her face about the comment but yikes, whatever happened to saying "ooh I love your new light fixtures" and leave it at that!

I agree that it's sad when folks are jealous but whatever happen to the good ole days when you slapped on a smile and made nice?

 

[2disneyboys]

Thanks mrsklamc... just is uncomfortable since it is a family-member...
will use the "we're not asking you to pay for it" line... like that one...

I have had problem with MIL in the past.. ugh.. it really got on my nerves! Because of some choices and changes that DH & I am made in our lives, we are in a much better financial position than we were a few years ago. As a result, we have gone on some nice vacations, and also, for the first time in 15 years, bought some new furniture for our house. My MIL is constantly making little snide comments that start with "it must be nice" My DH has finally said, "Mom, we are in this position because of choices we made including sacrifices we still make on a daily basis. Until you have to start taking care of us, then the only feedback we want is positive."

I was (am) so proud of him as he is usually more of a rollover and walk on me type of personality. He told me later that it really offended him that she acts like we "lucked" into some money or something, when in reality, we just make different choices than they do. He said that he's not judging her for the choices she makes, just wishes she would be "proud" of him like my mother is. My mom is always encouraging us & my siblings and is our biggest cheerleader. DH's mom is very much a pessimist so her attitude is sort of expected.

so anyway, the bolded/underlined statement that my sweet DH said to his mother is now my new mantra... if I hear constant comments from others that are offensive to me, I just repeat that statement. Good Luck

 

[MSSANDRA]

Since she brought it up in the first place, I would bring it up ONE time, in a private and casual manner and ask if she has decided if she want to make any changes or how she is feeling about things. Follow her lead. If she wants to talk, let her. If she ask for your thoughts, give them without criticizing, if she avoid the issue or acts uncomfortable....drop it for good. We are best friends with a family that has very different ideas on spending and saving and we are both very aware of each others situation. We, nor them, do not judge, or offer advice that is not asked for and we get along and even travel together. You have to remember that it's not your issue or problem, making it so can really kill a friendship.

 

[hops&dreams]

OP - I know exactly what you mean about feeling awkward about your friend telling you how they are practically drowning in debt but still talk about their upcoming trip, new this, new that, etc. I've been there, and I know how mind-boggling it can be (to me, at least).

While I can't tell you what you should do, as each person and relationship is different, I can tell you what Dh and I did. When we realized that if we wanted to get ahead, we needed to stop living on the next paycheck. We needed to live in the NOW. We began living within our means and paying down our debt. We paid cash for everything. We were pretty open with our close friends about what we were doing. Many of them scoffed and told us we were dumb, that's what credit was for. Whenever we got together, they encouraged us to spend, spend, spend, "just put it on the plastic!" As time went on, Dh and I didn't look forward to going out or even getting together with them, as they just didn't value the same things that we did. It's like we were ready to grow up, and they weren't. Over time, we lost touch with them (long story there).

Maybe I am judgey, but I choose to spend my time with mature, responsible people, who contribute to society. I understand that at times, people get down on their luck, because believe me, I've been there too, but I feel that financial decisions that you make for yourself/financial priorities say alot about who you are.

 

[eliza61]

Maybe I am judgey, but I choose to spend my time with mature, responsible people, who contribute to society. I understand that at times, people get down on their luck, because believe me, I've been there too, but I feel that financial decisions that you make for yourself/financial priorities say alot about who you are.

LOL. as opposed to all the immature, irresponsible people who are in debt and contribute absolutely nothing to society.

Shame on them for taking up space on your valuable planet.

Well we've "jump the shark".

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

I agree with some other other posters, she probably wanted to vent or just get a little sympathy. Financial problems are not always evident by looking at a person. Try imagining this was a weight issue, wouldn't you feel judgmental mentally reviewing every cookie or ice cream cone she ate? Unless she asks for your advice or money I would try not to think about it. Just take care of yourself.

 

[goodfood4ursoul]

I do not care as long as they do not use me or the taxpayers to live.

and as long as they do not run for office...

 

[Colleen27]

Maybe I am judgey, but I choose to spend my time with mature, responsible people, who contribute to society.

So those who buy into our debt-driven consumer culture are not mature, responsible, or contributing to society? There's no maybe about it; that certainly is judgmental.

 

[Ember]

Thanks for all the replies. I just wanted to say that I have not said anything negative to my friend. When she tells me about all the things they are doing and buying, I smile and say nice things, just as I did before. I understand that it is not my place to play money-nanny or to try and fix their problems. But in some ways it's like watching a sinking ship. When you care about someone, it's hard to watch them go down. Knowing I shouldn't butt in and wishing I could are very different things, and I do know that.

 

[lady_hlh]

I have a friend who is always on the verge of bankruptcy and complains all the time about how broke her family is. However they have 3 I-Phones including one for their 10 year old, eat out constantly and she won't make a grocery list or check the flyers. Periodically she'll ask me about my couponing but then tell me that she can't possibly spend that much time to save a few dollars even though I tell her I save thousands of dollars. Some people are just ignorant and lazy, I no longer want to give her any advice and I also don't say anything about her stupid financial decisions. Especially after I told her that she should look in to switching to pay as you go data phones, like we have, to save money and she told me that those were only for drug dealers.

 

[ILUVALASKA]

I work with a woman whose husband has not had a job in a decade, his choice, and they live on a teacher's salary. They bought their condo by using credit cards to get cash advances for the down payment. They travel ALL the time, eat out almost daily, and buy all top end products. She wanted a $600 washer and $600 dryer, top loading, but he insisted on the $1500 per unit front loading washer and dryer. They are now going through foreclosure on the condo, but take constant trips and renewed their annual DL passes. I shake my head every day. There is no money being set aside for savings or for their children's college.

 

[Southern Bell]

Thanks for all the replies. I just wanted to say that I have not said anything negative to my friend. When she tells me about all the things they are doing and buying, I smile and say nice things, just as I did before. I understand that it is not my place to play money-nanny or to try and fix their problems. But in some ways it's like watching a sinking ship. When you care about someone, it's hard to watch them go down. Knowing I shouldn't butt in and wishing I could are very different things, and I do know that.

You sound like a very caring friend! It is hard to just stand by and watch someone sink for whatever reason. I know people mid 40's who still depend on their parents. I was told one summer they were having money trouble and they were trying to have a garage sale to raise some money. I'm thinking money trouble means paying bills, food, you know needs. I went to their garage sale and bought about 100 dollars of junk I didn't need to help them out. I heard later it was for a vacation! LOL! We didn't take vacation that year because we didn't feel like we could afford one! LOL! So it was a good laugh on me!

 

[mbf]

I think we all have friends and relatives like this. Everyone seems so intent on keeping up with the Joneses these days. Kids get iPads when they are 8 years old, have cell phones by 10, etc. and parents think these are all necessities.

I have a friend who is married and she and her husband have no children. She was complaining to me about the upcoming increase in SS taxes. It will equal about $25-40 a paycheck for each of them. Yes it is a hit for us all but I told her it is what it is and you just have to deal with it. She kept on about how every penny they make is accounted for and she does not know how they will deal with it. Mind you, when they buy anything it is always top of the line and they never look for deals. Big TV's and game systems, expensive clothing, season passes for skiing, hundreds of dollars of flowers for landscaping, etc. People can spend their money however they want but don't complain about $25 a paycheck when I highly doubt it will impact your ability to buy groceries.

Like the above poster I also have MANY friends who constantly complain about being too broke to buy food and rely on parents for financial help (and are way above 30 and with kids). They tell me they don't have "time" to coupon or look for bargains. I say if you have time to surf FB or watch reality TV then you have time to coupon.