What's wrong with getting married young?

[marie1203]

The way I look at it, during your lifetime, there are certain experiences you will have, and certain experiences that are optional. Most people will attend school. Then you have certain choices. College? Living alone? Career? Marriage? Children? All optional.

I chose college, living alone, marriage, and children. Because I think college is important (there isn't a single person in my family, or DH's family, who doesn't have at least an undergraduate degree),
No, I don't have the experience of getting married young, but I do have the experience of getting married, and having children. People who get married young, and have children, do not, and will not, have the experience of being completely responsible for themselves, on their own. That is fine. Some people will never experience being parents. That is fine. I might not experience having a career, and not know what that is like. Some people think it's awesome, and I will never experience that.

The same way I missed out of the joy of having a career, some people missed out on living independently. Sometimes you can't have it all.

Just because I choose to get married young doesn't mean I don't think education is important I am still going to college and that is not going to change same as DH. All my family have degrees and by that I mean PHD except for 3. I got married young and didn't missed living independently, I live one year by myself before we got married and Dh is military and he was gone a lot of time at first. I never meet women that are more independent that military wives.

First, I think a lot of people are equating getting married young with having children young and that is incorrect. Many couples regardless of age do not start having children as soon as the rings are on the fingers. It's no question that having children changes things, but you only really "miss out" on things with marriage if you're the type of person who wanted to do these things in the first place. At 18, 28, 38, even 98 if you're the type of person who wants to date you will be unhappy in a marriage, if you're the type of person who doesn't want to make decisions based on someone else's needs as well as your own you will be unhappy. That's personality, not age.

I am 21 and not married, however at this point in my life I have no desire to "see the world" and travel overseas, but if I did it would most likely include my boyfriend. What's the difference? People want different things, and just because you (general you) are happy with your decisions doesn't mean they are superior to other's decisions.

Finally, I think age has little to do with the success of a marriage. It's the person you marry, and frankly I think waiting until a certain age just for the sake of not marrying "too young" is stupid. Get married when YOU want to, not when everyone else wants you to.

As a nineteen year old, when the OP said she started having children at nineteen- I freaked. No way, no how. I couldn't get married now even if I wanted to.

I certainly don't make enough to live off of myself, much less support children with.

Science tells us that your brain doesn't fully develop until about 24/25 and it is the part of your brain that thinks of consequences and right from wrong.


Once you're married and have kids, that's it- your selfish time goes out the door and you spend the rest of your life doing things for your husband and kids.

Having children and getting married very different we are married and I would freak too if I found out I was pregnant, because there still things I want to do before then.

Age is not related to the amount of money you make DH makes more than some people that have gone to college. Of course without some financial stability we would have never consider marriage.

Actually the rational part of our brain develops different by gender and varies in person to person. Most women's rational part of the brain is fully developed by 22 and in man it varies greatly from 24-27.

I disagree just because I am married it is not it. I still do things for myself in fact we encourage each other now and then to things for ourselves. For a marriage to work you can't neglect your individual self.

I went to my 10 year HS reunion with my first actual love. At the time I thought it was great. He was around, he looked adorable, he brought me drinks, and we left early to go back to our room.

Over the next year, especially after we broke up, I found out about all the FUN my single friends had had...they stayed up very late, telling jokes, hanging out in the hot tub singing karaoke with businessmen, just being nutty. WAY more fun than going to bed early (and some will say that that's saying mean things against the boyfriend...it's not, but that stuff is that stuff, it could have happened any old time, but I missed out on a once in a decade evening with old, good, friends, for the sake of that).

I think that all varies what we each want as individuals. I spent 2 years, partying, staying late, going to hot tubs, etc. And honestly by the 1 year and a half mark I stopped because I was done it just wasn't fun anymore. I much rather spent a night hanging out with my DH than doing what I could when I was single.

I am going to agree that our problem as a society is that we spend our lives following what society tells us that is the "right" way or what is "acceptable" instead of following what we really want. I also want to add that I think 18 is way too young to decided a career and that might be why most people that graduate from college end up in other career field and not actually using their college degree. I am thankful that I got a break from college because I learn quick that is not the career I want at all. I would have gone to college 4 years for something I later found out I didn't like. For my own kids I would want them to make decisions that make THEM happy not to follow what society tells them.

 

[badblackpug]

You do not know me and don't presuppose I can't live on my own or am less independent because I didn't before marriage. I married at 21, but I had been working full time since age 18 and did until I was 23 and had first DS. I easily moved back into the work force at age 37 and could have paid our way, not to mention, DH has ALWAYS had great life insurance. I work with a lot of women who support themselves due to divorce and they come from all backgrounds.

I find it interesting that people presuppose you can only be independent, happy, fulfilled, etc if you lived on your own before marriage. What a load.

I guess I need to go back and relook at my life to make you happy.

Our marriage wasn't difficult. After 30 years we're still very happy.;

I know that disappoints you that people can and do marry young and are happy.

The friends I know that married later have had MUCH harder times adjusting to marriage and a LOT more arguments over money, etc. Each one sees the money they earn as "their" money, etc instead of ours. They tend to be less a team and haven't had to earn their way to what they have. Everything we have and have ever had is OURS.

BTW, DH was gone for more than half of the first 3 years we were married on deployments with the US Navy and I did basically live on my own. But, I guess that doesn't fit your definition since most of his paycheck was to support us, his family.

There are also just as many educated women who lived on their own before they married who struggle after a divorce. That isn't a good argument.

Ugghhh.... why are you so defensive and why do you take a difference of opinion so personally? I said and will say again, that this is my OPINION based on my experiences. Period. If you want to be deadly honest, I don't care when you, or anyone else for that matter, got married. I am offering an opinion about what I would want for my children and why. Jeez Louise! It is not a condemnation of your lifestyle or any indication that I think you aren't or shouldn't be happy. If it worked out for you, then great, but marrying at 19 is not what I would want for my children.

 

[aprilgail2]

Getting married young doesn't necessarily mean as a teen (and I do hope my kids wait until their 20's to get married). Many people now consider getting married at 21 or 22 to be young.

I also think that is way to young- 25+ is ok but 21 or 22- no way is that what I would want for my child.

 

[punkin]

I also think that is way to young- 25+ is ok but 21 or 22- no way is that what I would want for my child.

I was 23 and I think I did pretty well in the education and traveling department. I did miss out on a lot of drinking and vomiting, as well as gratuitous sexual encounters with absolute strangers. My children could do worse.

 

[Colleen27]

I have had many friends this has happened to- they never went to college, had a career or have any type of talents to get them good jobs so once their husbands left them or even passed away these women are screwed! One had to move back home with her mother with the 2 kids and another lost her home and is living in a one bedroom apartment with 2 kids . I personally would be heartbroken if my daughter married in her teens and didn't have a career to fall back on if needed at a later time!

But those are two separate issues - age at marriage and educational/career choices. One can marry young and have a career, or marry later and leave the workforce for too long to be marketable. The woman who married at 19 and always worked is going to be in a better position should her husband up and leave than the woman who didn't marry until 35 and has been out of the workforce for years to SAH with her kids. Very few degrees/careers are so in demand that outdated experience and education are enough to get right back in the door after any extended absence. So if the concern is financial security, the bigger issue would be discouraging your children from staying at home when they have children of their own.

 

[handinpocket]

I was 23 and I think I did pretty well in the education and traveling department. I did miss out on a lot of drinking and vomiting, as well as gratuitous sexual encounters with absolute strangers. My children could do worse.

Amen. I was 21 and my husband was 24, still going strong and love each other more today than yesterday. We did both come from intact families, our parents are still together as are our siblings.

 

[robinb]

I was 23 and I think I did pretty well in the education and traveling department. I did miss out on a lot of drinking and vomiting, as well as gratuitous sexual encounters with absolute strangers. My children could do worse.

So you think that those of us who married later spent that time getting drunk and having gratuitous sexual encounters with absolute strangers ?

 

[si-am]

So you think that those of us who married later spent that time getting drunk and having gratuitous sexual encounters with absolute strangers ?

Dang I guess I was so drunk in my 20s I completely forgot that part.

 

[5lilfish]

Dang I guess I was so drunk in my 20s I completely forgot that part.

LOL

You married later and were too drunk to remember those years. I married early and I'm too ignorant to know what I missed during those years. Its a good thing we have the Dis to educate us.

Jess

 

[handinpocket]

I really think people take things too personally. I don't think punkin was saying everyone who waited to get married were debauched sex freaks and alcoholics. Just that some people did waste a lot of their time in those activities and she didn't miss that. Why people have to internalize things and make it about them, I will never understand.

If you have a good marriage, rejoice.

 

[5lilfish]

I really think people take things too personally. I don't think punkin was saying everyone who waited to get married were debauched sex freaks and alcoholics. Just that some people did waste a lot of their time in those activities and she didn't miss that. Why people have to internalize things and make it about them, I will never understand.

If you have a good marriage, rejoice.

I was completely joking around in my response too. I'm not particularly worried about what people on the Dis think about how old I was when I got married (22 yrs old). I think it is ridiculous for anyone to honestly think I am only happy because I don't know what I missed out on by not waiting, but I certainly am not upset about it.

Jess

 

[handinpocket]

I was completely joking around in my response too. I'm not particularly worried about what people on the Dis think about how old I was when I got married (22 yrs old). I think it is ridiculous for anyone to honestly think I am only happy because I don't know what I missed out on by not waiting, but I certainly am not upset about it.

Jess

I knew you were joking. I was talking about others that seemed so totally offended.

 

[robinb]

I knew you were joking. I was talking about others that seemed so totally offended.

I wasn't offended and I would guess that si-am was not offended either. I just thought that it was an odd thing to say that she ducked a debauched life because she married young, implying that such a life is unavoidable if one waits to get married.

ETA: I think that Jess has it right. There are a lot of odd generalizations being tossed around on this thread.

 

[FireDancer]

I said and will say again, that this is my OPINION based on my experiences. Period.

Only here can you give you opinion and then it is either:

A) Wrong
B) You are secretly telling everyone how they should live their lives
C) Turned into something you didn't even say

If you (general you) are happy with the choices you made why do you feel it so necessary to justify them to practical strangers on the Interwebs?

 

[tigercat]

As said before everyone is different and experiences are different. I met my dh in 1973 when I was 17. We got engaged on my 18th birthday and married that year. He was 24. He was working for my df. I finished high school in June and we got married in Oct. I had my first dd at 18 and my 4th child at 24. Our 3rd child died young so we had a lot of things to get through and deal with. It seems that the rate of divorce goes way up when you experience the death of a child, and we were already dealing with being married young. As well to try and save money for our own house we bought a house with my brother and his new wife. We got married 6 weeks apart and moved into the house the next year. All in all we should have divorced years ago. I was a SAHM and then had part time jobs. I am currently now working. We will be celebrating our 37th anniversary this year and are very happy. Money has been tight off and on but we own our house. We have traveled many places (Israel was a big one and want to go back) and enjoyed our life. I really don't think I have missed out on anything that I would have wanted to do. I have done just what I wanted to do and I am very happy with how things turned out. Both my dd's got married in their early 20's and have been married for 14 yrs now. You just never know. Oh as well I was very young in all ways when I got married. I grew up just fine.
tigercat

 

[FredinFL]

As an alcoholic debauched sex freak, I take offense to that.

 

[J3nn78]

DH and I began dating at 16 and got married at 22. So we have now been together for 16 years and married for 10. We knew enough to not get married until we could support ourselves after college.
Getting married young worked for us, but not for many of my friends who did the same. When people ask how we made it work, I tell them that we worked to make sure we "grew up" together. There were plenty of times from around 18-20 where we had to struggle to keep on the same path, but we were committed. We are 100% a team in everything we do.

I think we should avoid blanket statements like getting married young is a bad idea or will end in divorce. I really don't think age has anything to do with it.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think someone not ready for marriage shouldn't be married. Some people are ready to get married at 20. Some people aren't ready until 42.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

DH and I began dating at 16 and got married at 22. So we have now been together for 16 years and married for 10. We knew enough to not get married until we could support ourselves after college.
Getting married young worked for us, but not for many of my friends who did the same. When people ask how we made it work, I tell them that we worked to make sure we "grew up" together. There were plenty of times from around 18-20 where we had to struggle to keep on the same path, but we were committed. We are 100% a team in everything we do.

I think we should avoid blanket statements like getting married young is a bad idea or will end in divorce. I really don't think age has anything to do with it.

Agreed. When I got engaged at 16 and set a date for a year later, one of my best friend's mom said I was a bad influence on her and didn't let us hang out anymore. I caught up with her a few years ago via Facebook and she had gotten married at 30ish and divorced within a year. DH and I are ready to elebreate our 18th anniversary in June. You just can't know when you are going to meet the right person, and everyone is different in what they want. There is no right or wrong age for everyone, young marriages can work, older marriages can fail.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Only here can you give you opinion and then it is either:

A) Wrong
B) You are secretly telling everyone how they should live their lives
C) Turned into something you didn't even say

If you (general you) are happy with the choices you made why do you feel it so necessary to justify them to practical strangers on the Interwebs?

People discuss because it is a discussion board.