What's wrong with getting married young?

[GinnyEmma]

My turn:
Pot? Kettle? Black?

I think people need to do what is best for them. What is your point? While I love my life (married at 29 with a phd) my sister has loved hers (married at 19, finished her degree in night school.) I would never look at her and say she is too ignorant to realize my life is better and I wouldn't think she would either. I am amazed as I said that some people negate the experience of others.

As I've said, different doesn't equal bad.

 

[ZachnElli]

That's us too. I'll be 47 when our youngest leaves the nest, which should leave plenty of good years to enjoy when we're at our peak earning potential and can enjoy traveling. When I was in my late teens that wasn't the case; every penny and then some went to living expenses, and I was independent and responsibility free, sitting home reading library books because I couldn't afford cable much less travel!
s.

That will be us too. Everyone keeps saying all this traveling to do before getting married, but I don't know anyone who waited to get married that traveled the world, they were too broke or too busy getting their careers off the ground. We will be able to do that together. Like I said before, dh and I planning on going to Italy for our 20 year anniversary, 14 months from now! And for everyone who says that they had no problems having kids in their 30's and they are " rabbits" there is someone who will say they did have them. I would have had problems. I will say getting married at 20 was not part of my plan, lol. It was love baby! He came along when he came along, dh was not in my plans! But someone knew better than me!

 

[badblackpug]

That might make sense if you were raised by helicopter parents who did absolutely everything for you. I learned to cook, clean, budget while growing up. I had my own checking account at 16 and bought everything for myself, including paying for my own college. While I didn't graduate, I chose to marry DH and follow him to Norfolk because he was an Naval Officer, I was pretty independent although I lived at home til I got married. I think I'm a wonderful spouse and I dont think being on your own has anything to do with being a great spouse. I know plenty of people who lived on their own who were terrible spouses, they cheated, lied, hid money, were abusive.

To answer the original OP's question since this has veered off into how "horrible" it is to get married young, which it's not, NO, there is nothing wrong with getting married young. I know people who waited don't like to hear it, but there are just as many happily married people who married young as there are those that waited. You can think all you want that the fact you waited made you more prepared for marriage, but that doesn't make it so.


I want my boys to do what THEY want to do, not what I want them to do. But, they know you can be happy getting married at any age.

You learned to do those things, but you were never on your own. There is only so much independence you can achieve while living with your parents.

I never said getting married young was "horrible." It would not be what I would want for my kids. I want them to be educated and independent. I want them to enjoy being young while they are young. While you can get an education while you are married, it is harder when you have a full time job and a home to manage.

I also don't want my kids to be dependent on anyone else. I had a friend when I was young. Her parents married right out of high school. Her mom was a stay at home. The only work experience she had was seasonal temp. jobs to pay for Christmas. Her father died suddenly at 40. Her mother now had 2 young girls to support and no job skills, history, or education. It was very difficult for them. I want my children to be self reliant.

Admittedly, I didn't read all the replies, but I found it odd that no one has chimed in a told about how they married young and it was a mistake, or it was difficult. I have 2 friends who married at 18. Both marriages ended in divorce. Both have said they were too young and too immature to be married. My one friend really struggled after her divorce. Her son was special needs, she worked cleaning houses so that she could take her son along because she didn't have a sitter. She struggled financially and emotionally.

 

[GinnyEmma]

I think there have been some. Life can be hard. Being independent and losing my job stunk. Dsis and her husband have had rough times also. If I had met my husband when he was 20 I wouldn't have given him a second thought. He was a far different person at 30. But if he was the sane guy, I would have loved being with him for an additional10 years.

Statistically speaking between 20-24 had the highest divorce rate. That says something.

Most threads draw the attention of a certain group. Dis threads aren't random samples.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

You learned to do those things, but you were never on your own. There is only so much independence you can achieve while living with your parents.

I never said getting married young was "horrible." It would not be what I would want for my kids. I want them to be educated and independent. I want them to enjoy being young while they are young. While you can get an education while you are married, it is harder when you have a full time job and a home to manage.

I also don't want my kids to be dependent on anyone else. I had a friend when I was young. Her parents married right out of high school. Her mom was a stay at home. The only work experience she had was seasonal temp. jobs to pay for Christmas. Her father died suddenly at 40. Her mother now had 2 young girls to support and no job skills, history, or education. It was very difficult for them. I want my children to be self reliant.

Admittedly, I didn't read all the replies, but I found it odd that no one has chimed in a told about how they married young and it was a mistake, or it was difficult. I have 2 friends who married at 18. Both marriages ended in divorce. Both have said they were too young and too immature to be married. My one friend really struggled after her divorce. Her son was special needs, she worked cleaning houses so that she could take her son along because she didn't have a sitter. She struggled financially and emotionally.

I'll admit it wasn't always easy. We got unexpectedly pregnant right away, then while pregnant my DH's only brother passed suddenly which was very hard on him, then I had severe PPD while he was deployed right after we had DD. It was not a good year. When we were finally back on track I got sick with endometrosis and he had to leave the Army on disability. The first 6 months were bliss then we had a good year and a half that was hard. But we said we'd get though it together and be stronger for it and we were. 18 years later I wouldn't change andthing cause it all led us to where we are which is BLISS! But yeah, it wasn't always easy but the hard times make you appreciate the good times more.

 

[SaraJayne]

I have 4 kids, all are grown and on their own. I am 47 and my husband is 50. We are now able to go off and do what we want, when we want and not worry about the kids (well we worry, but you know what I mean). We are in a better financial situation now to go off and have fun then we were as a younger couple just getting started in life. I suppose you can either have fun as a young adult or as an older adult when you are more established and have less responsibilities.

This is true of us, also.

We married young and will be empty nesters in our early 40's. We plan on having lots of "life experiences" once the kids are gone.

 

[RockAndRollBallerina]

It's not so much an age thing, its a case of maturity.

 

[Colleen27]

I also don't want my kids to be dependent on anyone else. I had a friend when I was young. Her parents married right out of high school. Her mom was a stay at home. The only work experience she had was seasonal temp. jobs to pay for Christmas. Her father died suddenly at 40. Her mother now had 2 young girls to support and no job skills, history, or education. It was very difficult for them. I want my children to be self reliant.

That's an entirely different issue, though, and one that relates more to choices about childrearing (SAHM vs working, how many kids to have) than age at marriage. My best friend's parents married at 21 & 22 but were always a dual-career couple. Our next door neighbor, on the other hand, didn't marry until 35 and then left her job to have 3 kids in 5 years; she's struggling now to stay out of foreclosure because her husband up and left.

It is also a difference in worldview. I don't think self-reliance is as important as many other people make it. I believe there is something to be said for mutual dependence within a marriage, and that a certain level of needing one another (not total dependence or one spouse having all the power) helps in getting though the tough times.

Admittedly, I didn't read all the replies, but I found it odd that no one has chimed in a told about how they married young and it was a mistake, or it was difficult.

I think it goes without saying that marriage at any age isn't all hearts and flowers. My husband and I had some tough times, financially when he was changing fields and emotionally when we were struggling with trying to have our third child. Some of our problems probably would have been lessened if we were older - maybe he'd have already decided to change careers, maybe we'd have had a bigger financial cushion to get through that 'entry level' phase of his new career. Others might well have have been worse - it took us several years of trying to have DD2, and fertility issues don't generally improve with age.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I got married a week after my 20th Birthday. My husband was 23. Next month we will celebrate our 24th anniversary. Life has been good for us. Even so, I hope that my boys are a bit older than I was when they get married.

 

[bumbershoot]

I read the first page and the last.



My mom married at 17, had me at 25, had my brother at 27, and divorced our dad when she was 29. We were the ONLY good things she got out of the marriage.

The ONLY thing she wanted for us, especially for me (b/c my brother has a personality that was much stronger; I was far more of a follower), was that we did not marry as young as she did. Apart from us, it changed her life from an upper middle class, beautiful house, summer vacations life into a hardscrabble, hand to mouth, living with many roommates in small San Francisco apartments, have kids just before the marriage implodes type of life.

In her case, she says that she should have known it would end that way b/c he stood her up on their first date. But she also should have known because SHE just wanted to leave home, but her dad wouldln't let her. Wouldn't let her leave without being married, and if that marriage was to a 19 year old, then so be it. Anyway, she tried her hardest, but that 19 year old was a troubled soul who was going to rain terror down upon her head, no matter how much like James Dean he looked...


I did have a proposal when I was 17, just before going off to college. I was scared about college and was just about to accept when I realized we had some serious cultural differences that would create problems down the line...oh, and I didn't love him, so I said no, ended the date, and went off to college.

Then all the marriageable guys were taken by those around me throughout college, and when I got into grad school all I met were guys who were involved and looking elsewhere (not the type I'd marry, though I did casually date some of them), or who just didn't like me enough...

I would have married at any point in my 20s, though with every year gone I realized how *different* I was from before, and how a guy who appealed to me one year would NOT have appealed the next. That would have been problematic!

Finally met The Dude at 30 going on 31.

People bemoan the fact that people are "waiting" to marry until later, but I know of NO ONE who CHOSE to not marry someone they were truly in love with just for the sake of waiting. Rather, the people showing up during that time just weren't acceptable, and those people weren't willing to settle, to put their own lives up for the bet of marriage, just to make others happy... Even my mom thought that my dad was somehow the one...until he proved thoroughly that he was not.



My brother, however, met his Beloved as a sophomore in college, and they married the month he was graduated from college (she is 2 weeks older but a full year ahead in school, and had already graduated), when he was 22. They've been married 17 years now and are still 100% blissful.

Can someone explain "living life before settling down"? I don't feel that I haven't "lived life" because I "settled down". On the contrary, I feel I have lived a great life AND I have been able to share it along the way.

When I traveled in my 20s, I got to go where I wanted, I didn't have to consult with anyone, and I could meet who I wanted to meet. When I traveled in Ireland at 26, I got to meet a ton of people at pubs, I got to talk to the people I wanted to talk to, we talked for hours and hours...

When I travel with my husband, I don't talk to strangers like that, especially men, because it would feel wrong to give so much energy to someone that isn't my husband. I would worry that he was worried.

I went to my 10 year HS reunion with my first actual love. At the time I thought it was great. He was around, he looked adorable, he brought me drinks, and we left early to go back to our room.

Over the next year, especially after we broke up, I found out about all the FUN my single friends had had...they stayed up very late, telling jokes, hanging out in the hot tub singing karaoke with businessmen, just being nutty. WAY more fun than going to bed early (and some will say that that's saying mean things against the boyfriend...it's not, but that stuff is that stuff, it could have happened any old time, but I missed out on a once in a decade evening with old, good, friends, for the sake of that).


I like traveling with DH, I like traveling as a family, but it's NOT the same as traveling on your own. Not in any way, shape, or form. And I'll be glad to the end of my days that I got that chance to travel entirely on my own and that I know the difference.

 

[mumom95]

I don't think there is anything wrong with it.

My dh was 22 and I was 23 when we got married, had kids when I was 26 and 28. It will be 15 years of marriage this summer and we have a great relationship.

Good friends of ours got married at 19 and 20 and they have been married almost 20 years and still going strong.

Two couple I know that didn't get married until their 30's (and then the wife of one couple had an affair with the husband of the other couple) are both now getting divorced (because of the affair).

But I also know plenty of other people that got married in the 30's and are very happy.

You shouldn't base your decision to get married on your age, you should base your decision to get married on the fact that you love and are compatible with the person.

I swear I think that's why there are so many divorces today. People don't get married for the right reasons anymore.

 

[Keli]

My Dh and I married VERY young and a year and a half later we became parents to a lovely little girl.
We had plenty of rough times over the years but I don't regret marrying Dh, even as young as we were.
And now we're in our early/mid fourties and enjoying life more than ever. Our marriage is in a good place, we make more money than we ever have, and we are eagerly awaiting grandparenthood (that's not in sight but we're hopeful, lol). Wouldn't trade these days for anything. Feels just right
To each their own but I'm glad for the path we took.

 

[AustinTink]

My brother married his high school sweetheart they were both 17 and she was pregnant. They had two kids. When the kids we 5 and 3 she left them. She abandoned them all, not returning to their lives until they were adults. She wanted to see the world. My brother raised them alone, working his fingers to the bone. He earned his master plumber certification and ended up starting his own business.

He raised two amazing kids. They are both doctors now. One just got married at 35. The other is 33 and engaged.

I'm not saying all young marriages are doomed. But it does sometimes happen. At least, in my brother's case, all's well that ends well.

 

[ems_mom]

You learned to do those things, but you were never on your own. There is only so much independence you can achieve while living with your parents.

I never said getting married young was "horrible." It would not be what I would want for my kids. I want them to be educated and independent. I want them to enjoy being young while they are young. While you can get an education while you are married, it is harder when you have a full time job and a home to manage.

I also don't want my kids to be dependent on anyone else. I had a friend when I was young. Her parents married right out of high school. Her mom was a stay at home. The only work experience she had was seasonal temp. jobs to pay for Christmas. Her father died suddenly at 40. Her mother now had 2 young girls to support and no job skills, history, or education. It was very difficult for them. I want my children to be self reliant.

Admittedly, I didn't read all the replies, but I found it odd that no one has chimed in a told about how they married young and it was a mistake, or it was difficult. I have 2 friends who married at 18. Both marriages ended in divorce. Both have said they were too young and too immature to be married. My one friend really struggled after her divorce. Her son was special needs, she worked cleaning houses so that she could take her son along because she didn't have a sitter. She struggled financially and emotionally.

This is your experience only, not the PP or any particular stereotype. She said she learned "adult" responsibilities as a teen. While it may not be the same as living "on your own," it may very well be worse. Why would a 16 year old need her own checking account? When I was 16 I was working full time while going to school. I paid my parents for food and electricity and did my weekly chores. On my 16th birthday a group of friends chipped in to buy me an electric blanket for my room (over the garage) that was very cold at night. The blanket was confiscated as it would have increased the family electric bill.

Some kids grow up faster than others. Everyone can see that. It doesn't mean you are doomed to fail in adult relationships. For some, I think it makes those relationships stronger. I married at 19 and loved and valued my husband. Having a child made our bond even stronger. We were young but not self-centered, which sounds like the relationships you describe. Our child was much loved and provided for in every way, including tuition to her college of choice.

Our baby has long flown the nest, but we still make a celebration of our anniversary every year (a weeks vacation). You can't paint everyone with such broad brush strokes.

 

[disney_family_1247]

We met in college and married two weeks after graduation (I was 21, he was 24) He worked and I went to grad school. We bought our first house the next year after four years, we had our first baby. I became a SAHM We now have three kids, a bigger house, and will celebrate our 15th anniversary next month.

 

[badblackpug]

This is your experience only, not the PP or any particular stereotype. She said she learned "adult" responsibilities as a teen. While it may not be the same as living "on your own," it may very well be worse. Why would a 16 year old need her own checking account? When I was 16 I was working full time while going to school. I paid my parents for food and electricity and did my weekly chores. On my 16th birthday a group of friends chipped in to buy me an electric blanket for my room (over the garage) that was very cold at night. The blanket was confiscated as it would have increased the family electric bill.

Some kids grow up faster than others. Everyone can see that. It doesn't mean you are doomed to fail in adult relationships. For some, I think it makes those relationships stronger. I married at 19 and loved and valued my husband. Having a child made our bond even stronger. We were young but not self-centered, which sounds like the relationships you describe. Our child was much loved and provided for in every way, including tuition to her college of choice.

Our baby has long flown the nest, but we still make a celebration of our anniversary every year (a weeks vacation). You can't paint everyone with such broad brush strokes.

I am not painting everyone with the same brush. I am sharing my experience as to why I feel the way I do. I, too had a job, and a checking account, and could cook and do laundry at 16 but it never equated to living independently. It just wasn't the same.

I am telling you what I hope for my kids based on my own experiences. My hopes for my kids is that they are happy and independent. I think there is merit in learning to be your own person before committing yourself to being with someone else.

I know that if my husband were to disappear tomorrow I could feed, clothe, and house my children. I never want my kids to be in the position of not knowing where their next meal is coming from, or whether they will be out on the street in 90 days. This is what happened to my friend. Not only did they have to deal with the shock of losing their father at such a young age, they had to worry about whether they were going to lose their house, or have heat, or enough to eat. Clothes and shoes and trips weren't even on the radar.

While I know that any marriage, young or old, can end, I think in the case of younger people who have limited education and job experience the consequences are more extreme.

 

[bdcp]

You learned to do those things, but you were never on your own. There is only so much independence you can achieve while living with your parents.

I never said getting married young was "horrible." It would not be what I would want for my kids. I want them to be educated and independent. I want them to enjoy being young while they are young. While you can get an education while you are married, it is harder when you have a full time job and a home to manage.

I also don't want my kids to be dependent on anyone else. I had a friend when I was young. Her parents married right out of high school. Her mom was a stay at home. The only work experience she had was seasonal temp. jobs to pay for Christmas. Her father died suddenly at 40. Her mother now had 2 young girls to support and no job skills, history, or education. It was very difficult for them. I want my children to be self reliant.

Admittedly, I didn't read all the replies, but I found it odd that no one has chimed in a told about how they married young and it was a mistake, or it was difficult. I have 2 friends who married at 18. Both marriages ended in divorce. Both have said they were too young and too immature to be married. My one friend really struggled after her divorce. Her son was special needs, she worked cleaning houses so that she could take her son along because she didn't have a sitter. She struggled financially and emotionally.

You do not know me and don't presuppose I can't live on my own or am less independent because I didn't before marriage. I married at 21, but I had been working full time since age 18 and did until I was 23 and had first DS. I easily moved back into the work force at age 37 and could have paid our way, not to mention, DH has ALWAYS had great life insurance. I work with a lot of women who support themselves due to divorce and they come from all backgrounds.

I find it interesting that people presuppose you can only be independent, happy, fulfilled, etc if you lived on your own before marriage. What a load.

I guess I need to go back and relook at my life to make you happy.

Our marriage wasn't difficult. After 30 years we're still very happy.;

I know that disappoints you that people can and do marry young and are happy.

The friends I know that married later have had MUCH harder times adjusting to marriage and a LOT more arguments over money, etc. Each one sees the money they earn as "their" money, etc instead of ours. They tend to be less a team and haven't had to earn their way to what they have. Everything we have and have ever had is OURS.

BTW, DH was gone for more than half of the first 3 years we were married on deployments with the US Navy and I did basically live on my own. But, I guess that doesn't fit your definition since most of his paycheck was to support us, his family.

There are also just as many educated women who lived on their own before they married who struggle after a divorce. That isn't a good argument.

 

[bdcp]

This is your experience only, not the PP or any particular stereotype. She said she learned "adult" responsibilities as a teen. While it may not be the same as living "on your own," it may very well be worse. Why would a 16 year old need her own checking account? When I was 16 I was working full time while going to school. I paid my parents for food and electricity and did my weekly chores. On my 16th birthday a group of friends chipped in to buy me an electric blanket for my room (over the garage) that was very cold at night. The blanket was confiscated as it would have increased the family electric bill.

.

Okay, I had my own checking account because my parents wanted me to learn responsibility. I had a part-time job for a few months at age 16, plus I baby sat regularly, that's all it was. It was entirely about teaching us independence. While they didn't pay my tuition for college, entertainment, or clothes, they did provide a home, a car for communting to college (my mom's car we shared), food, insurance, and love. One of my sisters lived at home like I did til she married, the youngest lived on her own for a couple of years. We all married by age 23. As I've said previously, we're all still happily married. My sister who lived on her own, is no more capable or happier than the two of us who didn't. Funny thing is, I'm the one who traveled the most.

 

[aprilgail2]

Not everyone is able to choose a proper mate when they're young.I would've chosen poorly in my twenties)

The guys I was attracted to in my late teens and early 20's are certainly not the type of guys I was attracted to once I grew up! If I would have married one of those guys it would have certainly ended in divorce.

Getting married young may turn out just fine. On the other hand, if a couple marries young, often at least one of them gives up a lot of earning potential. That can also turn out just fine. BUT if something goes wrong, such as divorce, death, or extreme illness, a family can be thrown into poverty. This happens to many women who make being a wife and mom their one career.
.

I have had many friends this has happened to- they never went to college, had a career or have any type of talents to get them good jobs so once their husbands left them or even passed away these women are screwed! One had to move back home with her mother with the 2 kids and another lost her home and is living in a one bedroom apartment with 2 kids . I personally would be heartbroken if my daughter married in her teens and didn't have a career to fall back on if needed at a later time!

 

[5lilfish]

I personally would be heartbroken if my daughter married in her teens and didn't have a career to fall back on if needed at a later time!

Getting married young doesn't necessarily mean as a teen (and I do hope my kids wait until their 20's to get married). Many people now consider getting married at 21 or 22 to be young. Plus, getting married young does not necessarily mean that you have to give up on a career. I got married at 22 and had my first child at 23. DH and I both understood that my education was a priority. This was a big discussion before we got engaged. Even though I knew I wanted to be a SAHM, I got my degree and I made sure it was the type of degree that would provide a wide job base if I ever needed to fall back on it. Now, 15 yrs have gone by and I have not used that degree, so it would be hard for me to jump into a great job (but I could still get a decent entry job). The only reason I let that happen was because we are in a very fortunate financial position. I certainly hope this never is something I have to deal with, but if something happened to my DH, we have enough money put away to keep me and the kids going. If nothing else, we have enough to get my education refreshed and probably enough to keep me home for quite a few years. If that were not the case, then I would have taken steps to make sure that my education did not become outdated. Being married young does not mean you have to be stupid or careless.

Jess