What's wrong with getting married young?

[Mrs. Sojourner]

I was reading the thread "Do you want your children to get married?" and several posters said they just wanted there kids to be happy BUT they didn't want their kids to get married young.

This got me thinking, what's wrong with getting married young?!

I got married at 18 and started having kids at 19. This isn't what I thought I wanted when I was young, but I am so happy and have no regrets.

If I would have done things they way I thought I wanted to once upon a time I would/have:
Gone to college to be an elementry teacher which I now know I would have regreted.
Been in debt over a degree I wasn't happy with.
Forced to work FT because of said debt.
Maybe not have had as many kids as I do now because of all that.
Not known the joy of being a stay-at-home Mom that I never in a million years would have thought I would do and love the way I do.
Dated, lost pieces of my heart to, and been heart-broken by multiple guys.

I realize everyone's stories probably wouldn't be the same as mine. But, I know many people who married young and are very content.

I guess a lot of it has to do with the way you come into marriage. For us it was a forever commitment from the beginning. We'd both lived through divorce as kids and knew that was something that we would not do to ourselves or our kids; no matter what.

So, what are the thoughts on why it's bad to get married young? I'm interested to know. I'm also, as equally, interested to hear from people who got married young and are as thankful as me about it.

 

[FayeW]

It probably has a lot to do with the maturity of today's young adults. I don't know any 18 or 19 yr old who are mature enough to be married and have children. Most of them can barely look after themselves.

In my opinion, it is entirely our own fault. Many of us chose to have smaller families and as a result have more time and money to "dote" on our children. The result is that we have helicopter parents raising snowflakes who aren't as self-reliant as we were at the same age. We've created a monster.

 

[Robinrs]

It depends on the person and their maturity. My parents married VERY young and were married for 60 years, my sister and her husband are celebrating her 47th anniversary this week.

MOST of the young marrieds in my life did NOT make it. Mostly because they married for the wrong reasons or because they got older and realized they hadn't done the things they wanted to do (or the PEOPLE).

My 18yo son is VERY involved with a nice young lady but I really do NOT want them to get married young. I think there is so much he needs to do first and THEN, when they can afford it, they should do it. Of course it's up to him but knowing him I believe he needs to sow his wild oats before getting settled down.

 

[Disney Doll]

Because, in general, there are a lot of changes that a young adult goes through (age 18-25ish) in terms of maturity and such, and I think it's difficult for someone in that age group to know themselves well enough to choose a life partner.

So far so good for you and you may certainly be the exception to the rule. I am so glad that you have a good life that you enjoy. There is nothing like a good marriage and a happy family to fulfill one.

 

[sam_gordon]

IMO, the reason NOT to get married early is simply a lack of life experience. Do you really know what "love" is? Do you understand how to compromise (or will your spouse always "be right")?

Can you give your children the kind of life you'd like to give them if you still making "entry level" money? If you don't go to college, can you improve your employment so you can?

I'm not saying any of this to judge someone who gets married early. But it's how I would answer the question.

BTW, I got married at 23... almost 18 years ago.

 

[whoiam]

Well like you said, not everybody's stories are like yours. That's most likely the reason why. People want their kids to live their lives before settling down, and also to make sure the one is THE one. A lot of people rush into marriage and that ends up with problems which is what parents don't want, naturally.
I don't think there's anything wrong with getting married young as long as your 100% sure about the person and are ready to embrace the thought of being tied to one person forever. That's a lot for a young person to handle sometimes.

I'm glad it worked out for you however! It did with me as well!

 

[LisaNJ25]

I got married at 18 and our first child was born a few months before we got married. We are celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary next month

When I look at my now 18yo son he is so not ready to get married So I think it really depends on the person.

There are things I can look back on and say I would do different but I think even people wating longer to get married say the same thing.

 

[jodifla]

Because I believe young people should experience a bit of life, travel and such, finish college, and have several years of work experience before they start having children.

OP, are you even 30 yet? Things can look a lot different at 50. I'm glad it's working out for you, and you live in another country where the culture might be different.

None of my friends who married before they were 20 are still married 30 years later.

 

[punkin]

I think there is research that there is a sweet spot for marriage somewhere in your early 20s (don't quote me but I think it's 23-25 or so). People who get married then seem to divorce at a much lower rate. Reading some of the posts on the other thread, it seems like people have 30 yo children (OK, mostly male) who are not mature enough to marry. I think there's something wrong with that!

 

[Nancy]

I personally could not see getting married before I was even legally old enough to have an alcoholic drink. When I was 18 that was the legal age.

I see my girls now and think that in no way are they ready to be married...they are 18, 21 and almost 23. The older 2 do live out of state and share an apartment with their boyfriends (all 4 live together) but actually being married? No way. First, they need to finish college and get full time jobs that can support them living in their own places. The 18 year old is just graduating high school this year.

When I was that age a lot of girls didn't go off to school. None of my friends did. I still didn't get married until I was 27. I went out, traveled, had fun..then when I was 25 I met my husband and for the first time felt ready to settle down.

 

[Andtototoo]

IMO, the reason NOT to get married early is simply a lack of life experience.

ITA.

I did get married relatively young -- at age 21. I was quite mature and had been on my own since age 18. Moreover, I had raised myself more or less since the age of 5 and my sister would tell you that I raised her too. Nonetheless, I did not have enough life experience to have made the decision to marry.

It worked out, but really -- it's mostly luck, in my opinion. Well, that and moving across the country to get away from my ILs. If I'd had more life experience, I would have seen the red flags my ILs were waving and been able to avoid the pain they caused either by choosing not to marry or by insisting that we never ever live anywhere within driving distance of their home.

 

[Mrs. Sojourner]

I understand the maturity thing, but for me getting married and having kids allowed me to mature to where everything wasn't about me. I don't think life should not be all about us, but in Western culture, especially as a young adult, it is. But, that really leads off topic.

Can someone explain "living life before settling down"? I don't feel that I haven't "lived life" because I "settled down". On the contrary, I feel I have lived a great life AND I have been able to share it along the way.

Thanks for all the great comments; I have really enjoyed everyone's feedback!

 

[Jeafl]

I guess my main objection is that not many 18-21 year olds have the education and experience to get a good enough job to support themselves should they get married that young. I suppose there are exceptions, but probably not too many.

I have a 21 year old daughter who has been going out with the same guy for over 6 years. Although they do plan to get married someday, they are smart enough to know that they could not support themselves right now. They both have educational and professional goals they want to reach before they get married.

 

[handinpocket]

There is nothing wrong with getting married young, to each their own. The female body is built to carry and bear children most efficiently when she is YOUNG.

I see so many couples getting married in their late 30s or 40s and wondering why they are having trouble conceiving. I see lots of infertility problems in this group's futures.

 

[Deb in IA]

There is nothing wrong with getting married young, to each their own. The female body is built to carry and bear children most efficiently when she is YOUNG.

I see so many couples getting married in their late 30s or 40s and wondering why they are having trouble conceiving. I see lots of infertility problems in this group's futures.

Many girls biologically can conceive by 13 or 14 these days.

Do you think that is a good idea?

 

[RitaE]

There are people who are mature enough to be married at 18. And there are people who still aren't mature enough to be married at 45.

 

[katesorad]

I got married just a few months after turning 18. 3 years later, I'm incredibly happy! My DH is 27 and I'm just short of 21 right now. I'm in college and he is a college grad. Most of my friends are all off at college drinking and partying every night. I never wanted to do that. I wanted my future to start a lot earlier. There's not much "living" when you're having hangovers or hours away from your family. DH and I live 30-45 minutes away from our family and we're perfect together. I don't regret a thing!

 

[whoiam]

I understand the maturity thing, but for me getting married and having kids allowed me to mature to where everything wasn't about me. I don't think life should not be all about us, but in Western culture, especially as a young adult, it is. But, that really leads off topic.

Can someone explain "living life before settling down"? I don't feel that I haven't "lived life" because I "settled down". On the contrary, I feel I have lived a great life AND I have been able to share it along the way.

Thanks for all the great comments; I have really enjoyed everyone's feedback!

Sorry I guess I shouldn't have worded it like that. What I meant was basically what jodifla said:

Because I believe young people should experience a bit of life, travel and such, finish college, and have several years of work experience before they start having children.

OP, are you even 30 yet? Things can look a lot different at 50. I'm glad it's working out for you, and you live in another country where the culture might be different.

None of my friends who married before they were 20 are still married 30 years later.

She just explained it much better then I did.

 

[Disney Doll]

Living Life:
meeting different people
seeing the world
getting an education
getting your heart broken a couple of times
developing your instincts

 

[Feralpeg]

Obviously, this is not the case for everyone. My daughter has several friends who got married right out of high school. Two of them are divorced already with young kids and no real prospects of improving their lives. These girls are only 23 years old. One is married to an abusive guy who sits at home on his rear while she works two jobs to support him and her two babies. To make it worse, she is pregnant again.

I am very glad my daughter has decided that she wants to live on her own and do the things she has always wanted to do before starting a family. Soon, she will leave for England to work on her masters. She plans on traveling in Europe while there. This has always been her dream. Once she finishes her masters, she wants to get a job and become established financially. Will she meet someone and her plans go out the window? Possibly, but at least she will have had some great experiences along the way and she will be viable in an ever worsening job market.

OP, not everyone who goes through college ends up with a huge mass of debt over their heads. I feel for those that do, but it is not true of everyone.