What's wrong with getting married young?

[5lilfish]

Several of you are definitely being defensive over your choices and are choosing to take offense at other people's opinions.

I wouldn't say I am defensive as much as slightly offended. I hardly think you can chalk up 15 yrs (and going strong) of being happily married to only being happy because I don't know what I am missing. I also don't think its fair to say that a person is less capable of taking care of themself independently simply because they didn't experience a long period of time living independently before she was married.

Jess

 

[5lilfish]

I have 4 kids, all are grown and on their own. I am 47 and my husband is 50. We are now able to go off and do what we want, when we want and not worry about the kids (well we worry, but you know what I mean). We are in a better financial situation now to go off and have fun then we were as a younger couple just getting started in life. I suppose you can either have fun as a young adult or as an older adult when you are more established and have less responsibilities.

This is a good point too. I had my first child at 23. When that child is 25, I will only be 48. Even when my last child (twins actually) turn 25, I will only be 58. Not only do I have absolutely no regrets about the fact that I might not have had as many years of responsibility free, independent living before I married and had children, I will likely have many years after my children are grown to enjoy with my husband and my children and grandchildren (and maybe even great-grandchildren).

Jess

 

[Becky2005]

I have 4 kids, all are grown and on their own. I am 47 and my husband is 50.... I suppose you can either have fun as a young adult or as an older adult when you are more established and have less responsibilities.

Which is probably why my mom was more than happy with practically helping me pack to move out!! I was the youngest and people would ask me if my parents were sad since they are empty nesters -- I would just look at them strangly and tell them no -- I think they were pretty excited to be empty nesters....they are always going off somewhere but we also took vacations as a family.

I actually envy them because I think it's great that were still young enough to basically be done raising kids and doing whatever they wanted whenever vs. still dealing with it in their 60's. I'm going to be older because I had 4 kids instead of 3 and my mom was 28 when she had me -- I was 35 when I had my fourth. They still are always out doing something....I know if I need my mom to babysit or want her to see a kid's activity that I best call as soon as I have the date even if it's 6 months in advance because her calendar will fill up with stuff.

 

[badblackpug]

I didn't read all the replies but my opinion is this. I want my kids to accomplish certain goals. I want them to get educations. I want them to have the option to have careers that they enjoy and are proud of. I want them to enjoy being young and have the energy and the finances to be able to do things, and go places while they still have the freedom to do so. Everyone with kids knows there are certain things you give up when your kids are small, I don't want my kids to look back with regrets and say "I wish I had...." I also know from experience it is easier to raise kids when you have a good job that earns a good salary. Very few 18 year olds have this, owing to their lack of education. I also think the majority of 18 year olds are not mature enough to handle the responsibilities of marriage and children. I think you are a better spouse when you are more independent and more able to care for yourself. I will give a cliched example but think of the 18 year old that goes from living with his parents who take care of most of his needs to being on his own. You needs to learn to cook, clean, budget, manage time, and prioritize. These are not things that are learned over night. It's trial and error, and it's a lot easier to try and err when no-one is dependent upon you.

 

[sm4987]

Lol, We were 29 and 32, and where maturity may be higher, stubborn and set in ways can cause just as many fights.

LOL! Very very true Didn't think of it that way! I don't always think about the other side of things.

 

[elainesj]

is it that hard to accept that your experiences are not going to be the same as someone else's experiences? And that different people are ready at different times and that different circumstances can affect whether something is a "right" decision? for some, that may mean getting married young. for others, that may mean getting married later.

Maybe a better way to phrase the question (particularly for young brides), is - what would you want for your child? That sure makes me look at the whole subject differently!

For me, I would tell my child to think about things carefully and consider if he/she is ready to completely commit to another person. That necessarily means compromise, thinking of the other person and considering everything as a joint unit. If my child is ready, then I would give my blessing.

In my case, I got married at 21. I met my dh at 19. I didn't really date much until I was 17 but at that time spent about a year dating lots of folks and generally enjoying myself creating as much drama as possible. By 19, I was no longer interested in dating around. I wasn't ready for marriage at 19 though.

About a year later I went through a time when I started craving drama and the excitement of dating. I did sit and think it through because I knew that would mean losing dh and I finally decided that he was worth giving all the other stuff up for. From then on, I knew he was the man I wanted to marry.

A year later, we got married.

Was it ideal?

My mom didn't think so. Like so many other moms here, she wanted me to date around and "experience life". She spent quite some time mourning that I wasn't able to experience the fun of my early 20s. I do understand I missed out on stuff. I watched my friends have a lifestyle I couldn't have. But frankly, what I got instead was worth a lot more and I made that choice willingly and have never regretted it.

I had my daughter a year later at 22 and believe me, my mom wasn't too happy either. And to be honest, it wasn't the "perfect" time for me and I wouldn't have planned it that way. But again, it sure wasn't the end of the road or anything to mourn over. So I don't really "regret" that either.

As for school, I was halfway through when I had my daughter. I stopped for a while and then continued part-time for the next 7 years (had a 2nd baby in between too). It ended up taking me 10 yrs to get my Bachelor;s degree. DH was doing his Bachelor's part time when we married too and finished his in about half the time it took me. (Granted he wasn't pregnant or nursing LOL).

So what did I "lose" for getting married young?

- I lost the ability to focus on my studies completely. My grades did slip after babies came along. My straight As wavered and I even got a dreaded C once. It was definitely harder to concentrate and produce my best work. On the whole, it didn't matter though - except to my pride LOL!!

- I lost a lot of earning potential. It took me 6 more yrs to finish school than planned. I did start my career from home on a part time basis in between babies and school. That was a HUGE jump start when I was ready to return to the workforce. I got my degree 3 yrs ago and returned to the workforce and have been building my career since. It's been a huge help now that we are a dual income household and I can see my career slowly but surely developing and growing. I would have been about 5 yrs ahead if I hadn't had kids so young. To be fair, dh is 9 yrs older and had a stable income and lots of savings when we got married. So we never had to struggle to make ends meet.

- I lost the "fun" of a young, single life. While my friends were out partying, I was home nursing babies.

- I lost the excitement of travelling without a care in the world. It was many years before dh and I got to have a weekend away...and even then I was always thinking about the babies.

- I lost the "independence" of living alone. I did go away to school - but in reality, I met dh within a few months and since we spent most of our time together - I really was never particularly independent. Can I be? Oh YEAH! I may not LIKE it - we're a team. But if I had to, I can certainly manage just fine. Even back then, without finishing my education or having major work experience, I would have managed. It would have been harder, yes.

So, do I regret it? Again, the answer is no. Building a life and a home with the man beside me for the past 10 yrs has been worth more than what I "lost".

Another question is - how can u know when you're so young? It seems different for everyone so I hesitate to say anything definitive abt this. In my case, I spent quite some time observing before deciding to trust him completely. I spent time thinking about our goals in life and our compatability. On the other hand, he knew he wanted to marry me after our first date! so we were both right

 

[elainesj]

I didn't read all the replies but my opinion is this. I want my kids to accomplish certain goals. I want them to get educations. I want them to have the option to have careers that they enjoy and are proud of. I want them to enjoy being young and have the energy and the finances to be able to do things, and go places while they still have the freedom to do so. Everyone with kids knows there are certain things you give up when your kids are small, I don't want my kids to look back with regrets and say "I wish I had...." I also know from experience it is easier to raise kids when you have a good job that earns a good salary. Very few 18 year olds have this, owing to their lack of education. I also think the majority of 18 year olds are not mature enough to handle the responsibilities of marriage and children. I think you are a better spouse when you are more independent and more able to care for yourself. I will give a cliched example but think of the 18 year old that goes from living with his parents who take care of most of his needs to being on his own. You needs to learn to cook, clean, budget, manage time, and prioritize. These are not things that are learned over night. It's trial and error, and it's a lot easier to try and err when no-one is dependent upon you.

Those are great points and very true. In my case though, I feel being able to build a life with a good man at my side was worth these trade-offs. Could we have waited a few more years? Yeah, we could have...but really, these "benefits" weren't important enough to us to wait.

I think it all comes down to what's important to you. I wasn't ready to marry at 19. I still wanted to be a kid. At 21, I knew what I wanted and I was completely comfortable with marriage.

 

[bdcp]

I didn't read all the replies but my opinion is this. I want my kids to accomplish certain goals. I want them to get educations. I want them to have the option to have careers that they enjoy and are proud of. I want them to enjoy being young and have the energy and the finances to be able to do things, and go places while they still have the freedom to do so. Everyone with kids knows there are certain things you give up when your kids are small, I don't want my kids to look back with regrets and say "I wish I had...." I also know from experience it is easier to raise kids when you have a good job that earns a good salary. Very few 18 year olds have this, owing to their lack of education. I also think the majority of 18 year olds are not mature enough to handle the responsibilities of marriage and children. I think you are a better spouse when you are more independent and more able to care for yourself. I will give a cliched example but think of the 18 year old that goes from living with his parents who take care of most of his needs to being on his own. You needs to learn to cook, clean, budget, manage time, and prioritize. These are not things that are learned over night. It's trial and error, and it's a lot easier to try and err when no-one is dependent upon you.

That might make sense if you were raised by helicopter parents who did absolutely everything for you. I learned to cook, clean, budget while growing up. I had my own checking account at 16 and bought everything for myself, including paying for my own college. While I didn't graduate, I chose to marry DH and follow him to Norfolk because he was an Naval Officer, I was pretty independent although I lived at home til I got married. I think I'm a wonderful spouse and I dont think being on your own has anything to do with being a great spouse. I know plenty of people who lived on their own who were terrible spouses, they cheated, lied, hid money, were abusive.

To answer the original OP's question since this has veered off into how "horrible" it is to get married young, which it's not, NO, there is nothing wrong with getting married young. I know people who waited don't like to hear it, but there are just as many happily married people who married young as there are those that waited. You can think all you want that the fact you waited made you more prepared for marriage, but that doesn't make it so.


I want my boys to do what THEY want to do, not what I want them to do. But, they know you can be happy getting married at any age.

 

[Planogirl]

You know what's interesting? I see people defending their decision to get married at a young age and yet on other threads you'll see other people explaining why their college age kids aren't really adults and therefore aren't ready to make life's decisions.

People really do vary don't they? Personally I think that it depends on the person.

 

[GinnyEmma]

You know what's interesting? I see people defending their decision to get married at a young age and yet on other threads you'll see other people explaining why their college age kids aren't really adults and therefore aren't ready to make life's decisions.

People really do vary don't they? Personally I think that it depends on the person.

I agree. It varies and there are never guarantees.

 

[STLDisney_Freak]

I moved out of my parents house at 16 and I married at 18. Husband was 23. I am now 31 so I have been married a few years now. Would I want my girls to get married young? Not really. If I had *my* way which no parent ever does I'd have my kids live with me while attending college and experiencing life. Not worry about bills and having fun in life before they settle down and have to experience all of the worrying about house payments, electric bills, etc. HOWEVER, as a parent I will support my girls in whatever they choose to do in life even though I may not like their choices. They have to live and learn too.

 

[GinnyEmma]

I am disturbed at how people negate the life experiences of others because they are different.

 

[mjkacmom]

You can say the same thing about marrying young (or anything for that matter), those of you who didn't do it don't know what you missed out on. That really isn't good logic. And, that* can happen even if you don't marry young. Which is always sad.
.

The way I look at it, during your lifetime, there are certain experiences you will have, and certain experiences that are optional. Most people will attend school. Then you have certain choices. College? Living alone? Career? Marriage? Children? All optional.

I chose college, living alone, marriage, and children. Because I think college is important (there isn't a single person in my family, or DH's family, who doesn't have at least an undergraduate degree), I hope my children get a college education. Living alone, before marriage, was so awesome, I hope my children do this, as well. I do hope my children get married, and have families, because, again, this has been wonderful for me. However, they have their own lives to live.

No, I don't have the experience of getting married young, but I do have the experience of getting married, and having children. People who get married young, and have children, do not, and will not, have the experience of being completely responsible for themselves, on their own. That is fine. Some people will never experience being parents. That is fine. I might not experience having a career, and not know what that is like. Some people think it's awesome, and I will never experience that.

The same way I missed out of the joy of having a career, some people missed out on living independently. Sometimes you can't have it all.

 

[morethananyonex]

First, I think a lot of people are equating getting married young with having children young and that is incorrect. Many couples regardless of age do not start having children as soon as the rings are on the fingers. It's no question that having children changes things, but you only really "miss out" on things with marriage if you're the type of person who wanted to do these things in the first place. At 18, 28, 38, even 98 if you're the type of person who wants to date you will be unhappy in a marriage, if you're the type of person who doesn't want to make decisions based on someone else's needs as well as your own you will be unhappy. That's personality, not age.

I am 21 and not married, however at this point in my life I have no desire to "see the world" and travel overseas, but if I did it would most likely include my boyfriend. What's the difference? People want different things, and just because you (general you) are happy with your decisions doesn't mean they are superior to other's decisions.

Finally, I think age has little to do with the success of a marriage. It's the person you marry, and frankly I think waiting until a certain age just for the sake of not marrying "too young" is stupid. Get married when YOU want to, not when everyone else wants you to.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I admit I haven't read all the posts. I am taking a 15 minute break and saw this tread and wanted to post and no way I will have it all read in the 15 minutes, so I will come back to it later.

I got married at 17 and DH was 22. I started dating him when I was 15, engaged at 16, married at 17, pregnant at 18 and had our oldest DD when I was 19. I had, and still have no desire to see the world, go to college, all I wanted was to be a wife and mom. So for me, I am living my dream. Had my dreams been different it may not have been the best choice, but for what I wanted in life it was. We have been together 20 years next month and married almost 18. I am head over heels in love with this man. Many of our friends have been though divorces who waited longer and it seems often they were too different to be together. DH and I are not be any means the same as we were at 17 and 22, but we greww together, so while we are different, we are different together.

I wouldn't change a thing about our life together. Lots of poeple our ages have very young families or are just starting their families and while that is great for them, we are happy with our older kids. We date usually 3 times or more a week cause we can skip out while they are doing their homework for a little adult time. We are loving our life so much.

Now, my oldest DD is 16, the age I was when I was committed to her daddy for life. She is not ready for that. She wants to go to college, travel, so many things and for her that is great. DD11 wants to me a wife and mom. I will not be surprised if she follows more of my footsteps and s long as she has someone as wonderful as her daddy I will be happy for her. That doesn't mean we aren't encouraging her to study hard, go to college, etc cause yo unever know when you will meet that special someone. DD8 is sort of in the middle, who nows what she will want in time.

I think it depends on a lot of things and the people involved. I know statictics aren't in our favor, but we've been together for half our lives and happier then ever.

 

[Colleen27]

This is a good point too. I had my first child at 23. When that child is 25, I will only be 48. Even when my last child (twins actually) turn 25, I will only be 58. Not only do I have absolutely no regrets about the fact that I might not have had as many years of responsibility free, independent living before I married and had children, I will likely have many years after my children are grown to enjoy with my husband and my children and grandchildren (and maybe even great-grandchildren).

That's us too. I'll be 47 when our youngest leaves the nest, which should leave plenty of good years to enjoy when we're at our peak earning potential and can enjoy traveling. When I was in my late teens that wasn't the case; every penny and then some went to living expenses, and I was independent and responsibility free, sitting home reading library books because I couldn't afford cable much less travel!

No, I don't have the experience of getting married young, but I do have the experience of getting married, and having children. People who get married young, and have children, do not, and will not, have the experience of being completely responsible for themselves, on their own. That is fine.

But even that varies depending on the individual. I married young by modern standards (22), but it wasn't straight from my mother's house to my husband's (or straight from a dorm to married life). I left home under less than ideal circumstances while I was still in high school, lived with friends a while and later shared a flat with a roommate until graduation, then lived in a dorm for my first year of college, then in my own apartment for almost 2 years before moving in with DH. And really I don't think the experience was all that essential, but maybe it is because I didn't have to learn to cook and clean and such; as the oldest child of a single working mom who was either at work or caring for her elderly parents, I had plenty of practice in those real-world skills.

 

[Kennywife]

I really wish I'd have married Kenny a year or two earlier, but I was getting up on my feet from a devastating injury I suffered two months after college.

Plus, I had a phobia of marriage since my parents fought constantly and violently when I was a kid. I had to go through therapy to over come it before I could even consider getting married.

I've been much happier married than I ever was single. My career as a travel writer took off after I got married. I still don't regret my years as a single though. I went to college and went to the school of my dreams.

Gabbie

 

[Mom of 3 Princesses]

I am disturbed at how people negate the life experiences of others because they are different.

My turn:
Pot? Kettle? Black?

 

[castmember19]

Because I believe young people should experience a bit of life, travel and such, finish college, and have several years of work experience before they start having children.

As a nineteen year old, when the OP said she started having children at nineteen- I freaked. No way, no how. I couldn't get married now even if I wanted to.

I'm still in college and live at home, my parents support me and while I do have a job where I work with many older women who have families- I don't know how they do it. I certainly don't make enough to live off of myself, much less support children with.

I'm sure it is a maturity issue, in most cases. Science tells us that your brain doesn't fully develop until about 24/25 and it is the part of your brain that thinks of consequences and right from wrong. I don't know anybody who I would consider mature enough to be married right now.

I think the OP also said that in college she didn't feel deprived because most college kids went drinking and she was not interested- I don't drink, I'm not even a go-outsy type of person, I prefer the quiet life and I STILL wouldn't get married any time soon.

Anyway, in the end, why would I not consider getting married now? Aside from not being financially stable or mature enough (in my own mind) this is the only time in my life where I can be selfish and think about myself and do everything I want to do! Once you're married and have kids, that's it- your selfish time goes out the door and you spend the rest of your life doing things for your husband and kids.

Even when I do get married, I still don't wish to have children for awhile. I don't quite think married life = popping out kids immediately.

I'm young. I want to feel like it. No judgement for those who get married young and are happy. Just explaining why I think it's not for me.

 

[Mrs. Sojourner]

The way I look at it, during your lifetime, there are certain experiences you will have, and certain experiences that are optional. Most people will attend school. Then you have certain choices. College? Living alone? Career? Marriage? Children? All optional.

I chose college, living alone, marriage, and children. Because I think college is important (there isn't a single person in my family, or DH's family, who doesn't have at least an undergraduate degree), I hope my children get a college education. Living alone, before marriage, was so awesome, I hope my children do this, as well. I do hope my children get married, and have families, because, again, this has been wonderful for me. However, they have their own lives to live.

No, I don't have the experience of getting married young, but I do have the experience of getting married, and having children. People who get married young, and have children, do not, and will not, have the experience of being completely responsible for themselves, on their own. That is fine. Some people will never experience being parents. That is fine. I might not experience having a career, and not know what that is like. Some people think it's awesome, and I will never experience that.

The same way I missed out of the joy of having a career, some people missed out on living independently. Sometimes you can't have it all.

That is not neccisarily true. I lived on my own almost a year before getting married. I am sure many others that married young did as well (and probably longer then I did). I personally worked from the time I was 14, saved for and bought my own car, paid for gas, car insurance, and other expenses all while living at home. Maybe getting married young is more of an issue when you are thinking of someone who has not learned these skills already? My parents probably could have paid for those things for me but they viewed those things as privliges to be worked for and they thought it important that I learn to be responsible. I am thankful for that. My DH grew up the same way and that probably has a lot to do with why marrying early worked for us.

And, the reason I said the original thing you quoted was to point out that it is ridiculous to say that because we married young we "don't know what we're missing out on" (which has been said several times). On the contrary, like you stated, I just chose another path. I had tasted some of the things which people keep calling "living life" and decided those things we not worth delaying or missing out on beginning my forever with DH. It's a choice I don't regret one second. While others look back on their college "glory years" as some of the best days of their lives. I look at everyday I have had with DH as the best years of my life. I don't think my choice is any better then someone else's choice. It was just that...my choice. I am just sad that people can't realize that sometimes, for some people, marrying young is the right choice. When my girls grow-up I will want them to chose what is best for them as well. What is going to make them happy. If that is college and a career; great. If it is getting married at 18 like me, waiting until they are older, or never getting married; great. I don't need them to live the same life I lived. I don't need them to live my dream life for them. I just want them to live their dream life for them.

I admit I haven't read all the posts. I am taking a 15 minute break and saw this tread and wanted to post and no way I will have it all read in the 15 minutes, so I will come back to it later.

I got married at 17 and DH was 22. I started dating him when I was 15, engaged at 16, married at 17, pregnant at 18 and had our oldest DD when I was 19. I had, and still have no desire to see the world, go to college, all I wanted was to be a wife and mom. So for me, I am living my dream. Had my dreams been different it may not have been the best choice, but for what I wanted in life it was. We have been together 20 years next month and married almost 18. I am head over heels in love with this man. Many of our friends have been though divorces who waited longer and it seems often they were too different to be together. DH and I are not be any means the same as we were at 17 and 22, but we greww together, so while we are different, we are different together.

I wouldn't change a thing about our life together. Lots of poeple our ages have very young families or are just starting their families and while that is great for them, we are happy with our older kids. We date usually 3 times or more a week cause we can skip out while they are doing their homework for a little adult time. We are loving our life so much.

Now, my oldest DD is 16, the age I was when I was committed to her daddy for life. She is not ready for that. She wants to go to college, travel, so many things and for her that is great. DD11 wants to me a wife and mom. I will not be surprised if she follows more of my footsteps and s long as she has someone as wonderful as her daddy I will be happy for her. That doesn't mean we aren't encouraging her to study hard, go to college, etc cause yo unever know when you will meet that special someone. DD8 is sort of in the middle, who nows what she will want in time.

I think it depends on a lot of things and the people involved. I know statictics aren't in our favor, but we've been together for half our lives and happier then ever.

I love your story; thanks for sharing!