What's fair?

[Nancyg56]

He does pay my share. And I send him checks when I can. He's not complaining. It's the other brother who doesn't like the arrangement and is being a jerk about it.

I think that it is important to do what you can. You are. Your brother has decided that he will continue to pay what you cannot. The other brother has no say in that. I would simply tell him that until he gets a bill that exceeds 1/3 of the total amount he needs to remain out of the conversation. For years i was the sole support of my family and I refused to compromise my children. I contributed to family obligations as much as I could and I picked up additional "chores" whenever I could. it is myu opinion that the money contribution is not the only way to contribute to a parent's health and welfare but that there are people who will sometimes discount the value of those contributions.

I was thankful that my siblings did not hold me responsible for money that I did not have.

Yeah, I have always let him get to me. He's always had a way of making me feel bad about myself, ever since we were kids. Brother #2 is telling me to ignore him as well.

I did call and talk to him (#1) tonight, and told him that I will go down to mom's house over Veteran's Day weekend and start going through all of her stuff. It's a task that my brothers both dread, but I'm really good at it and don't mind doing it. He won't let up on the 1/3 deal, but I'm trying to ignore him.

Do what you can. You and your brother have worked out an arrangement and that is all that matters. If your other brother insists on discussing the financial arrangements you need to tell him that his opinion is not welcomed.

I have never felt that children must assume that financial responsibilities of caring for their parents. When my Mom was ill we all did what we could in every way that we could, some of us more than others. It was what we felt was right for us I and never regretted what I did. My children were adults though, my Mom would never have forgiven me if I compromised them in order to care for her financially.

 

[okeydokey]

He does pay my share. And I send him checks when I can. He's not complaining. It's the other brother who doesn't like the arrangement and is being a jerk about it.

If your one brother is helping with your share then it is none of the other brother's business.

 

[starrzone]

Minnie_me, I'm glad you posted about this, because I can see myself being in the exact same situation a few years down the road. I'm almost 30, my brothers are 19 and 27, and our parents are 58 and 61. One brother is single, lives at home, and makes very good money in an industrial job (he's saving up for a house). The other brother is still in college, but he is a very ambitious person who I can honestly see being very successful financially. Then there's me...average Joe . We usually split "big" gifts for our parents; say something costs $100. Working brother will pay $50, and college brother and I will each pay $25. Sometimes, depending on circumstances, I'll pay even less; college brother has been working since he was 13 and has a couple scholarships, so his bank account is actually larger than mine!

I've thought ahead to the future, and thought of your exact situation; what happens when my brothers are both very financially successful, and I'm living a happy, but financially average, life? I hope our gift-giving philosophy sticks...

 

[okeydokey]

I agree with this. How do you know the reason they can afford this is they didn't go on vacations and you obviously did or you wouldn't have focused on it. Perhaps if you didn't you would have the money to contribute your share.

We all make decisions and have to live with the outcome. They made decisions that put them in the positions they are in and you made different ones, not their fault or problem.

I also agree that you should repay the 200 a month from your share of the house if there is anything left. You are a teacher are you skilled enough in an area that you could make money tutoring? like an upper level math or Physics?

The OP is already giving all her inheritance to her brother.

It may not be the brother's fault or problem that the OP was abandoned by her husband, but I would hope they understand what she is going through.

OP, I think taking on more responsibility like you are planning is a great thing.

 

[angierae]

If your one brother is okay with covering what part of your share you cannot come up with, then the other brother needs to stay out of it. He is only paying 1/3rd, Mom is getting the care she needs, and what you and the other brother have arranged privately isn't his concern.

 

[TheMorgans]

You did not choose for your husband to leave.
You did not choose for your mother to become ill.
You did not choose to be in a difficult financial situation.

We all know life is not FAIR!!

BUT... Life is not fair for any of us including your brothers. Your mother is your mother, the only mother you get in lilfe and you should be equally responsible for her care.

You states that it was not fair for you to consider a second job, but it looks like that may be your only option. As a teacher you are off nights, weekends, holidays, and all summer. No one wants to spend more time at work, but sometimes it is necessary. I know the times when my husband and I each had to work 2 or 3 jobs each just to get by were very difficult, but we made it though and it made our family stronger. The extra cash would not only help your mother but could also allow for your children to participate in their usual activities.

JMHO

 

[Tink-n-MrIncredible]

First off to OP.

I just wanted to pass on my .02 about your brother and his financial situation. He may not be as well off as you think if his wife is on disability. They might be in debt with medical bills.

 

[ccgirl]

I'm in the split it evenly club as well. Just because others make different choices in life doesn't man they should have to pay more.

 

[Patience]

OP: I'm sorry about your mother. I do think it's fair that you each pay a 1/3 share but if your one brother wants to help you out with your share, I really don't see why your other brother would be upset.

This situation is why my husband and I save religiously for our retirement and old age. I pray that we are never a financial burden to our children and that they will never have to squabble with one another over who has to pay what to take care of us.

 

[Pugsley]

I'm in the split it evenly club as well. Just because others make different choices in life doesn't man they should have to pay more.

Oh yes, how horrible that she chose to be a teacher. Or that she chose to get married and have children - never knowing that her husband would end up leaving. Everyone can't be wealthy, you know. We need all kinds of people in this world and we can all contribute in different ways - not just financially.

 

[Hannathy]

Oh yes, how horrible that she chose to be a teacher. Or that she chose to get married and have children - never knowing that her husband would end up leaving. Everyone can't be wealthy, you know. We need all kinds of people in this world and we can all contribute in different ways - not just financially.

But we don't know what choices she made compared to her brothers. She made a statement about vacations, for all we know she went to Disney every year instead of saving and the brother didn't and saved his money. Maybe he saved and drove a used car and she always had new? If I sacrificed earlier in my life I should not be penalized for it and someone who didn't,also get away with it now.

It could be just as hard for the other brother to come up with the money but he is and is angry that the other brother is helping her out when he thinks she could do more.

I think she should get a second job and pay her 200 like the do, that is truthfully is only $50 a week and she has a lot of time in the summer to work.

 

[ccgirl]

Oh yes, how horrible that she chose to be a teacher. Or that she chose to get married and have children - never knowing that her husband would end up leaving. Everyone can't be wealthy, you know. We need all kinds of people in this world and we can all contribute in different ways - not just financially.

I'm not saying it's horrible. I chose to have children too. I knew those children would cost a significant amount of money. Obviously, the husband leaving she had no control over. I never said it was awful she chose teaching. I think that is a great profession. My point was looking at it from the other brother's point of view. Maybe he chose not to have children because they cost so much. Maybe he chose a more lucrative profession because he wanted to be more financially comfortable. Why should he have to fork over more because he made decisions that yielded him more money?

But we don't know what choices she made compared to her brothers. She made a statement about vacations, for all we know she went to Disney every year instead of saving and the brother didn't and saved his money. Maybe he saved and drove a used car and she always had new? If I sacrificed earlier in my life I should not be penalized for it and someone who didn't,also get away with it now.

It could be just as hard for the other brother to come up with the money but he is and is angry that the other brother is helping her out when he thinks she could do more.

I think she should get a second job and pay her 200 like the do, that is truthfully is only $50 a week and she has a lot of time in the summer to work.

You summed it up pretty well Hannathy, thanks.

In the end, it's a mute point because the other brother offered to give her share. That is really up to him.

 

[arihillfarm]

He does pay my share. And I send him checks when I can. He's not complaining. It's the other brother who doesn't like the arrangement and is being a jerk about it.

Have the non-jerk brother send you the $200 each month (or whatever you cannot pay yourself) and YOU write the check to the other brother. There's no need to give him more ammo when it's really none of his business how the bill gets paid, as long as it does.

-Astrid

 

[carrie1626]

So Bro #1 and #2 can afford it but haven't taken mom into their own homes......................what about that?

Can mom live with you and let 1 and 2 send you a check.

 

[tlh0726]

Sore subject at the moment, so I apologize for venting.

Currently sole caregiver for my 80 yr old mother who has lung cancer and battling congestive heart failure as well.

2 siblings, myself and my brother (4 yrs older), live in same town.

I bought my 1st house at 22, worked 2 jobs, was a single mother for 12 years, married again at 36 and had 2 more children
My brother lived at home (rent free) till he was 29, married a woman with 2 children and had 2 more, living in house he had built 19 years ago

I did not buy everything I wanted only the things I needed, currently living in my 3rd house, checked on my mother everyday, made sure her lawn was mowed and snow was removed, saw the doctor, and even paid for things.

My brother lived well above his needs, refinanced several times, borrowed money from my mother to pay his taxes,never called unless he needed or wanted something, never offered to help her around the house wife stole money from where she was employed, brother took out loan to pay back so she would have no jail time, and currently they have filed for bankruptcy and walking away from their house.

My husband works out of town 3 weeks out of the month, I am taking care of 2 kids by myself, my mother 24/7, mowing my 3+ acres and my mother's lawn, running to doctor appts,hospitals, doing laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, and trying to go through my mother's house that would put the TLC show Hoarders to shame (one freezer had margarine from 1979), plus everything else that comes up.

My brother is well aware of everything,knows I am alone, doesn't call, doesn't help, nada nothing.

my point is that we all make choices that we have total control over and we all are handed things that we have no control over.

Just because I chose to handle and do what was necessary to make ends meet, get through everything unexpected that was thrown at me, go without because bills needed to come first and save for my future while my brother made his choices, I should be the one totally responsible for my mother's care because that would be fair because my brother has nothing?

Sorry OP, you need to pay 1/3.
If you worked out an agreement with the one brother to help you pay that amount, fine and dandy. If the other brother has a problem with it, then he needs to take that up with your brother not you.



PS.
my mother's will has everything equally divided between my brother and I.
Fair??

 

[ccgirl]

Sore subject at the moment, so I apologize for venting.

Currently sole caregiver for my 80 yr old mother who has lung cancer and battling congestive heart failure as well.

2 siblings, myself and my brother (4 yrs older), live in same town.

I bought my 1st house at 22, worked 2 jobs, was a single mother for 12 years, married again at 36 and had 2 more children
My brother lived at home (rent free) till he was 29, married a woman with 2 children and had 2 more, living in house he had built 19 years ago

I did not buy everything I wanted only the things I needed, currently living in my 3rd house, checked on my mother everyday, made sure her lawn was mowed and snow was removed, saw the doctor, and even paid for things.

My brother lived well above his needs, refinanced several times, borrowed money from my mother to pay his taxes,never called unless he needed or wanted something, never offered to help her around the house wife stole money from where she was employed, brother took out loan to pay back so she would have no jail time, and currently they have filed for bankruptcy and walking away from their house.

My husband works out of town 3 weeks out of the month, I am taking care of 2 kids by myself, my mother 24/7, mowing my 3+ acres and my mother's lawn, running to doctor appts,hospitals, doing laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, and trying to go through my mother's house that would put the TLC show Hoarders to shame (one freezer had margarine from 1979), plus everything else that comes up.

My brother is well aware of everything,knows I am alone, doesn't call, doesn't help, nada nothing.

my point is that we all make choices that we have total control over and we all are handed things that we have no control over.

Just because I chose to handle and do what was necessary to make ends meet, get through everything unexpected that was thrown at me, go without because bills needed to come first and save for my future while my brother made his choices, I should be the one totally responsible for my mother's care because that would be fair because my brother has nothing?

Sorry OP, you need to pay 1/3.
If you worked out an agreement with the one brother to help you pay that amount, fine and dandy. If the other brother has a problem with it, then he needs to take that up with your brother not you.



PS.
my mother's will has everything equally divided between my brother and I.
Fair??

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so sad. I believe in karma. I think this is a great post (not because you are struggling) but it really sheds light on another side of things. Posts like this always make me want to contribute more to my retirement so my kids don't have to worry about this.

 

[bpesch]

I don't see that this is any of brother #1's business at all. If the agreement is $200 each, and you and brother #2 have worked it out for him to help you pay your share, brother #1 has no part in it and should not even be complaining. I think I would be likely to tell brother #1 to mind his own business and leave it at that. He can't push your buttons unless you allow him to do it.

 

[HookdonWDW]

I think the minimal "fair" is to split it 3 ways. In addition, a lot of people seem to be jumping on Brother #1, but not only is he dealing with a disabled wife, he is the one who will be taking on the full time care of mom when she needs it. Something tells me he's potentially going to be doing much more than his 1/3 share at that point, and additionally, it could potentially cost him way more than the $40,000.00 in assets that you say your mom has. Everyone else seems to be looking at what they can do without changing their personal comfort level at all. He is the only one who will be making long-term personal changes.

Perhaps his bigger problem isn't really that your brother is paying your share. It's that he is finding a way to pay more than is comfortable for him now, and will have the burden of doing more than his share far into the future. By reading the undertones, it seems like maybe while you and Brother #2 are happy with the way things are, Brother #1 feels like he's getting the short end of the stick, and is growing resentful. I think the 3 of you need to sit down and have an honest conversation about what needs to be done.

 

[C.Ann]

OP: I noticed that you said that you live in a very rural area - and that you have children.. So what would it cost you in terms of paying for childcare, gas, and other expenses to obtain a second job (if you could even find one) to cover this $200 a month? I'm thinking you might come out in the red - rather than the black..

As for the "generous" brother who is going to get all proceeds from the house and then take mom to live with him? Not only will he get the house assets, but I'm sure he will also be taking all of your mom's SS every month - and the minute she becomes too much bother there's a good chance he will ship her off to a full-time nursing home so fast her head will be spinning.. I'm sorry - but by him sticking his nose into an agreement you already have with your other brother, I wouldn't trust him from here to the end of my post..

If a second job works for you, fine.. If it doesn't, then just continue to send what you can (per the agreement with your other brother); do what you can physically; and tell your nagging brother that you will not discuss this with him ever again - period..

 

[McKelly]

OP: I noticed that you said that you live in a very rural area - and that you have children.. So what would it cost you in terms of paying for childcare, gas, and other expenses to obtain a second job (if you could even find one) to cover this $200 a month? I'm thinking you might come out in the red - rather than the black..

As for the "generous" brother who is going to get all proceeds from the house and then take mom to live with him? Not only will he get the house assets, but I'm sure he will also be taking all of your mom's SS every month - and the minute she becomes too much bother there's a good chance he will ship her off to a full-time nursing home so fast her head will be spinning.. I'm sorry - but by him sticking his nose into an agreement you already have with your other brother, I wouldn't trust him from here to the end of my post..

If a second job works for you, fine.. If it doesn't, then just continue to send what you can (per the agreement with your other brother); do what you can physically; and tell your nagging brother that you will not discuss this with him ever again - period..

I agree.

And what about the OP's kids? They already have gone through a divorce. They have had to move. Give up their hobbies and sports. I am guessing mom is already working at home somewhat, teachers have an endless amount of work. Now, she is supposed to get a part-time job and spend more time away from her kids?

I am really surprised with all of the posts about "we made better choices and have more money and shouldn't be penalized for it." I hope life continues to be good for all of you and you are never faced with tough financial choices. And if you are, that you remember your great words of wisdom.