What's fair?

[Eastern]

I would contact your local social services and see if she is entitled to any assistance.

I don't think dividing the expenses exactly by 3 is necessarily 'fair'. Did your mother divide everything exactly evenly when you were growing up? Did one person get more college aid, did anyone live at home longer, etc?

Being 'fair' seems good on paper but in reality, it's usually not the case. Do what you can and don't get stressed about it. Your children are your first priority.

 

[RachaelA]

I think the only fair thing would be to divide the expense evenly 3 ways. Its unfair to expect your brothers to contribute more to make up for you. They obviously had to work hard and make hard choices to get where they are today. They shouldn't be penalized just because they have more money.

Brother #1 isn't paying any more than his 1/3. #2 is paying the majority of her share, but he offered to pay and doesn't mind paying. Therefore, #1 has nothing to complain about IMO because he's only paying his 1/3.

 

[McKelly]

It sounds like a conversation should have taken place PRIOR to the home health aide being put in place. Who made that decision? Did anyone check with you to see what you could afford? IMHO, they should have.............geez. $200.00 a month is a lot to just assume someone can fork over every month.

Anyway, call the county's Department of Aging where your mom lives. With only $40,000 in assets, she should qualify for some help.

 

[rockundergirl]

OP,
I did not read the whole thread.. only the OP post.

I get that you don't have the money to pay.
But your thinking is wrong and prob why you are in the financial situation you are in.

This is how you come across : Poor me, my brothers make more money then me so they should have to pay for more things. I have a little they have a lot so in turn what they have should be taken from them and I should be left alone.

This is what you need to do to make your life better: Ask your siblings why they are successful, take advices from them and build wealth. Get yourself and your children into a situation where a few 100 a month doesn't break the bank.. you all deserve it.

So now you just read what i responded and your pretty angry... " this person doesn't understand... I had this happen to me , and they happen to me and my brothers were lucky because of this , and lucky because of that, and I'm a single mom.. etc.. "

Its all just a story you tell yourself so you can put yourself down and not have to make things better.

You asked whats fair... Its fair that you all split it equally.

 

[VAN]

Brother #1: Manager of a good business, makes pretty good money. Has no children. House is paid for. Wife is disabled, collects SSI. They don't do vacations, don't have any luxury items, so are able to afford helping out with this expense.

Brother #2: Vice President of a lucrative design firm. Owns a $1million home, 4 cars (BMW, Lexus, etc.), has every luxury. Can afford just about anything without a second thought.

Me: Single mom with two children. Rural county school teacher. Juggling bills, mortgage on my own, and all expenses with measly child support to help. Living literally paycheck to paycheck with absolutely nothing in savings. (on the up side, I have no debt aside from house and car)

How do you "know" this stuff? Frankly it sounds like Brother #1 is NOT in a position to contribute more. Just because he makes choices to NOT go on vacation, etc and to save his money (or use it toward wife's care) does not mean he should pay more.

At any rate, it's all about choices. You have all made choices and decisions in your lives that bring you and your bank accounts where you are today.

If one brother feels they are in a position to pay part of your "share", then accept it gratefully. I do not recommend nor think it appropriate for you to DEMAND that your brothers fork over money to cover your obligations.

 

[Chris the CPA]

Sorry about your mom. However, you are splitting the bill evenly. You and your other brother have another financial arrangement that should be of no concern to the complaining brother. He is not involved with how you pay your other bills so he should stay out of this.

 

[tlbwriter]

Brother #1: Manager of a good business, makes pretty good money. Has no children. House is paid for. Wife is disabled, collects SSI. They don't do vacations, don't have any luxury items, so are able to afford helping out with this expense.

I've got to tell you, this kind of rubs me the wrong way. You're assuming that they have plenty of money because they don't buy luxury items or take vacations. How do you know they don't take vacations or buy luxury items because they can't afford them?

Anyway, if you can't pay an equal share of the money, can you do more of the other work to help even things up? Surely there are phone calls to be made, insurance to be filed, etc. If you could take on more of these tasks, maybe the burden would seem to be more fairly divided.

 

[girli565]

I just wanted to give you this

My mother is disabled and I'm the only child so her care falls on me and now my husband as well. It's a strain, so I know how you're feeling.

I have to agree with an above poster who said that if you have an agreement with one brother to cover your share then your other brother has no need to involve himself. He's technically paying the "fair" share of $200, as long as your share isn't coming out of his pocket he has no say in how it gets paid.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I would be making sure that I got a part-time job that paid $200.00 per month and contributed 1/3 of the cost no matter what my brother's circumstances are.

I am sure that your parents would not have chosen one over another child to pay for extra-curricular or braces etc. Parents do what they have to and make sure each child is cared for to the degree they need.

My "mom" would not have decided between us three kids and I in return own ALL I CAN do for her. But that's my opinion. It doesn't matter if Brother #1 has millions saved because of his lifestyle and brother #2 is just making more because he is, you are all EQUALLY her children and such owe her any which way you can 1/3 of the bill. I would not take the money from my other sibling, because "I" believe that is wrong, and maybe your brother feels that way too.

*Note it doesn't make any of this right or wrong, but everyone deserves to feel the way they do. It's a hard situation on ALL of the children. All the above feelings/situation are based on my opinions and

My opinion is you owe 1/3 and need to figure out how to pay it yourself. That is what I think is fair.

 

[Hannathy]

How do you "know" this stuff? Frankly it sounds like Brother #1 is NOT in a position to contribute more. Just because he makes choices to NOT go on vacation, etc and to save his money (or use it toward wife's care) does not mean he should pay more.

At any rate, it's all about choices. You have all made choices and decisions in your lives that bring you and your bank accounts where you are today.

If one brother feels they are in a position to pay part of your "share", then accept it gratefully. I do not recommend nor think it appropriate for you to DEMAND that your brothers fork over money to cover your obligations.

I agree with this. How do you know the reason they can afford this is they didn't go on vacations and you obviously did or you wouldn't have focused on it. Perhaps if you didn't you would have the money to contribute your share.

We all make decisions and have to live with the outcome. They made decisions that put them in the positions they are in and you made different ones, not their fault or problem.

I also agree that you should repay the 200 a month from your share of the house if there is anything left. You are a teacher are you skilled enough in an area that you could make money tutoring? like an upper level math or Physics?

 

[JoiseyMom]

If all things were equal then yes, each of you paying a 1/3 of your mom's care would be the best situation. But things are not equal. You can't afford it. That is the bottom line. The brother that is complaining is being selfish and not one bit caring about your circumstances. Your other brother is awesome for picking up your share. SInce he is doing that, and feels ok doing that your other brother should shut up since it isn't his pocket it is coming out of.

The next time he moans about it, ask him, should you not pay your mortgage, untilities or food for the month and have your kids suffer for the the $200 that month?? Ask him nicely for his advice on what you shouldn't pay or provide for your children each month since he is so wise and financially stable!!

Is there anyway you guys can move her closer to you so you can help with her care? Or at somepoint when she needs more care and needs to be in a facility can that be closer to you?

 

[happygirl]

If all things were equal then yes, each of you paying a 1/3 of your mom's care would be the best situation. But things are not equal. You can't afford it. That is the bottom line. The brother that is complaining is being selfish and not one bit caring about your circumstances. Your other brother is awesome for picking up your share. SInce he is doing that, and feels ok doing that your other brother should shut up since it isn't his pocket it is coming out of.

The next time he moans about it, ask him, should you not pay your mortgage, untilities or food for the month and have your kids suffer for the the $200 that month?? Ask him nicely for his advice on what you shouldn't pay or provide for your children each month since he is so wise and financially stable!!

Is there anyway you guys can move her closer to you so you can help with her care? Or at somepoint when she needs more care and needs to be in a facility can that be closer to you?

Wow, you are way off base, Why should the brothers have to pay more?? If I read right OP mom is moving in with what you have called the selfish brother when she gets worse.

It really bothers me when people have the attitude well they can afford it let them deal with it or let them pay they have it I don't Entitlement big time

 

[Pugsley]

Wow, I can't believe people are being so hard on the OP. She DOESN'T HAVE THE MONEY. You can't get blood from a turnip. Why do you have to try to make her feel worse? OP, Brother #1 is a JERK!!! It is no skin off his nose if Brother #2 wants to help you. He should be thrilled that he doesn't have to pony up more money himself. And, BTW, I can't imagine any decent person putting this kind of pressure on a sister who has been abandoned by her husband and is struggling to make ends meet. Sheesh, if I had that much more disposible income than my siblings I would be happy to pay more.

 

[IUTBAM]

BTDT...so I definitely have an opinion.

My mom has suffered from Alzheimer's since 2002. I will tell you how I and my siblings (there are seven of us) have handled it. When the time came for her to leave her home, she moved into an assisted living facility (holy cow, they are expensive!). It was around $3-4K a month, IIRC. We used the only assets she had...the money from the sale of her house, which was around $50K, to keep her there as long as we could. When it became apparently she needed more care, we applied for Medicare for her...I don't know all the ins and outs of that, because one of my older siblings handled it, but I know that she was basically flat broke at that point..you HAVE to be to get on Medicare and get into a nursing home. We finally got that all set up, and she moved into a nursing home in 2005. Once she was in the nursing home, we decided she needed a "sitter" to keep tabs on things, as we couldn't be there every day (my sister lived in the same town, but worked full time, and other family members were 3-5 hours away). So, we found a wonderful woman to "sit" with my mom every day. But how to pay for that...out of the 7 of us, 6 are in a financial position to pitch in. We knew one of my brothers was in NO position to help, so we didn't even take that into consideration. We're FAMILY...you don't nitpick about things like that with family. And, you can't get blood out of a turnip, KWIM?

So, the six of us who can afford it each contribute $3,000 per year to pay for her sitter. While my DH and I make a decent living, several of my other siblings are VERY comfortable financially (and yes, I know this for fact). We would have never dreamed of making our practically destitute brother contribute...he has NOTHING. In fact, we help HIM out as well.

So, I personally think your brother #1 needs to GROW UP. He's being a jerk, and you really just have to ignore him.

Now, I will say that I know a bit about having a parent with dementia (my dad also had Alzheimer's and passed away in 1994). It's going to come to a point where your parent needs full-time care...and I dont think Medicare will provide that in-home. It's nice that he has a MIL apartment, but someone will eventually have to be with her 24/7...you don't even want to think about what that will cost! I know you said you have a plan in place, and that is great...if you don't mind my asking, how does your brother think he can handle your mom there full-time when she progresses in her disease?

 

[Pakey]

OP, first of all, I'm sorry about your mom. It's tough enough watching our parents deteriorate without the added stress of worrying about how to care for them.

I'm afraid we will be in this position soon (my parents and my inlaws are in their mid to late 80s). My parents saved and planned financially, my in laws did not. My husband's siblings do not have near the resources we do. I truly hope they are not planning on having us cover the cost of their parents' care but I have a feeling that they are. I will be expecting any out of pocket costs to be split evenly between each sibling.

Since your one brother agreed to pay your portion, I would be doing all I could to contribute what I could but I'd be okay with the agreement made with this brother.

The other brother, well, maybe he is in a bind financially. Maybe he is worried that he didn't save enough for his own retirement. Maybe his 1/3 is pretty difficult for him to contribute. Maybe his wife is on him about it constantly. If I were him, I'd probably be upset too. I think this is where you are being unfair; you are making assumptions about him that may not be true.

I hope you and your brothers work things out.

 

[Motherofboys]

I would be making sure that I got a part-time job that paid $200.00 per month and contributed 1/3 of the cost no matter what my brother's circumstances are.

I am sure that your parents would not have chosen one over another child to pay for extra-curricular or braces etc. Parents do what they have to and make sure each child is cared for to the degree they need.
My "mom" would not have decided between us three kids and I in return own ALL I CAN do for her. But that's my opinion. It doesn't matter if Brother #1 has millions saved because of his lifestyle and brother #2 is just making more because he is, you are all EQUALLY her children and such owe her any which way you can 1/3 of the bill. I would not take the money from my other sibling, because "I" believe that is wrong, and maybe your brother feels that way too.

*Note it doesn't make any of this right or wrong, but everyone deserves to feel the way they do. It's a hard situation on ALL of the children. All the above feelings/situation are based on my opinions and

My opinion is you owe 1/3 and need to figure out how to pay it yourself. That is what I think is fair.

That is so funny b/c that would be my point too but your opinion is exactly the opposite of mine

Parents understand "fair is not always equal", about 95% of them practice that with their kids (let's not get into the other 5% who are obsessed with being "100% equal" to all of their kids, right down to giving them the same weddings, presents, etc.).

Parents do this all of the time, we know that some kids need more than others and we try to make it up where we can but it's not always possible to be 100% equal.

If one kid goes to Harvard and the other goes to a state college, do you plan on cutting the state college kid a check for the difference? Joey needs braces but Sally doesn't, should Sally get a check for the cost of the braces? Most parents don't work that way, so why do siblings get so caught up in the "everything has to be equal" stuff?

A lot of practioners believe it is b/c we have a need to see ourselves as all loved the same/treated the same by our parents to validate our self worth and position in the family. Something to think about.

IMO, I would totally pay my siblings share if I knew it was a hardship for them. That's being a good person and a good sibling. My mom would be really disappointed in me if she knew I forced my sister to get a second job and take time away from her kids, or give up money that could be used on her kids sports, etc. just to "make sure she was paying her fair share"

OP, tell your brother to get over it - you can't afford it right now. You are doing the best you can. Or send him a bill for 1/3 of the cost for what it would be to have someone else come in and catalog mom's belongings, etc.

 

[kirstenb1]

OP, I'm sorry. DH's sister has always been in a bad spot financially due to circumstances beyond her control. She does the best she can with the hand she was dealt. I can't imagine asking her for money. Your brother who's being a PITA needs to think about what if he were in your situation.

If you and your other brother have a deal worked out, then he needs to butt out. I'm glad you have one sibling who realizes he's blessed.

 

[mrsklamc]

Wow, you are way off base, Why should the brothers have to pay more??

The other brothers don't HAVE to. Brother #2 CHOOSES to, and really what he does with the money he chooses to spend isn't anyone's business, as long as it's legal.

 

[crusoe2]

OP, so sorry for what is happening with your mom's health and with the ******* with your brother. My family was in a similar situation before my mom passed. As others have said, fair isn't necessarily the same thing as equal. It sounds like your financial hardships are not of your own making and that you're doing the best you can in a difficult situation. From what you've posted, both you and your kids are making sacrifices already. I think the brother who is complaining is being unreasonable. As long as he isn't having to help cover your share, what you do or don't pay is none of his business. As for him taking your mom in later, it sounds like he is going to be as well compensated for that as you can manage. I would say that giving him ALL of the inheritance is more than fair. I just really don't get why he has a problem with your other brother helping you out.

Personally, I could never stand by and see my nieces and nephews do without things just so that my siblings are paying "their fair share." Not as long as I know my siblings are truly doing the best they can. And it sounds like you are doing just that.

 

[Lucille1963]

12 years ago DH made twice as much as he does now and we paid for a chunk of our MIL's housing and all utilities. When DH lost his job and started making half that (about 10 years ago), we continued on with those expenses, though it put us at a hard ship. It was right about this time that she came home showing off a $200 hat from Nordstrom, I can't even type what I wanted to do. I just remember balling my eyes out after she left over all the little things we sacrifice. When she decided to move away (5 years ago), she was on her own.

Then, a few years ago, DH was told by his sisters how much we were expected to contribute to his mother every month. With a new baby, skyrocketing expenses, and my ability to work less, it just wasn't possible. We declined, and nothing was ever said about it again. You do what you can with what you have.