What would you do? Step-kids

[dissy_dee]

Ok I am not officially a step-parent yet but soon to be. My fiance and I want to take his three kids and my one to WDW in Novermber over Thanksgiving week. This way they would only miss 2 days of school.

Their mom has primary custody so he ask her if she would allow them to go as this is her year to have the kids Thanksgiving day. For the past several years she has worked on Thanksgiving and the dad has had them anyways. The first thing she told him was, "They cannot go without you going." Well DUH I was not planning on taking four kids ages 12, 10, 10, 8 to WDW by myself. We planned to go as a family as we should be married by that time.

She never did give him a definite answer and he says he will not feel right going without his kids. He nor his kids have ever been. I know he will go if I insist but I do understand why he would not feel comfortable going. Should I encourage him to go anyways?

So do we plan the trip and hope that she gives us permission? Do we just cancel it and disappoint my child? My fiance said he did not mind if we go even if him and his kids do not get to go. I think the mom will let them go but who knows. I know if my son's dad wanted to take him I would be happy for him to go but me and my ex have a good relationship. Fiance and his ex do not talk unless absolutely necessary.

The only other option would be to go next summer and it is just too busy and too hot then.

I am knew to this step-parent stuff so any advise or help you can offer would be welcomed.

 

[Mama Mouse]

Honestly, I would have him contact the ex and just respectfully and nicely let herk now that you need to make the bookings now and need to know if the kids can go. If they cannot, I would not encourage him to go. I would feel like an absolute traitor and be racked with guilt if I went to WDW without my child(ren) who had never gone but with my new significant other and their child. Yes, you would ideally take the trip together but his kids will likely be really hurt if he goes without them.

Go and take your little one and then plan another time when he can have his kids for sure.

 

[sk!mom]

I would have him ask her again and explain that he needs to know so that plans can be made. Maybe offer to trade Thanksgiving for whatever holiday is his next- Christmas? I would begin to plan as if everyone is going. Just don't pay for anything non-refundable until you know for sure. If she says no then I would reschedule for a time when everyone can go- whenever it's his time with the kids.

Pressuring your fiance to go without his children is not a good way to start the marriage. Leaving them behind is not a good way to start your relationship as their stepmom.

As far as your child, I would explain now and often that you're trying to plan a trip but it won't happen until everyone can go. If your child is going to be part of this family, then they need to begin to understand working around the schedules of several others and no longer being your only child.

 

[tigger51276]

I would have him ask her again and explain that he needs to know so that plans can be made. Maybe offer to trade Thanksgiving for whatever holiday is his next- Christmas? I would begin to plan as if everyone is going. Just don't pay for anything non-refundable until you know for sure. If she says no then I would reschedule for a time when everyone can go- whenever it's his time with the kids.

Pressuring your fiance to go without his children is not a good way to start the marriage. Leaving them behind is not a good way to start your relationship as their stepmom.

As far as your child, I would explain now and often that you're trying to plan a trip but it won't happen until everyone can go. If your child is going to be part of this family, then they need to begin to understand working around the schedules of several others and no longer being your only child.

I agree with all of this, except, if your fiancee's kids can't go then I would still take your DD if that is what you want to do. I have taken my DD tons of times by myself and now take both my DD's by myself because my husband doesn't like Disney. Unless it would hurt your financee's feelings with your going without him then do it.

 

[dissy_dee]

Thanks for the replies. I really feel the same way about not pressuring him into going without his kids. I have older kids but my 10-year-old is more like an only child and he is already having problems with having three more kids invade his territory. He loves being with them and all but at times it is hard for him to understand there are more than just him for me to think about. We are working on this and they have all been really wonderful getting along for the most part.

I will have him give her another call next week if she don't let us know something more definite. I want to give her some time to think about it and hopefully let us know something without us pestering her.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I agree that your DH needs to get a "for sure" answer. IF it is no however, I would replan, even for Summer. Starting out your role as a step parent, and you DD's role as a step sister will be even harder if you two take off of WDW and not take the step-kids. They may know it it thier mom's faught, but they may still be upset with the two of you. Not a great way to start a hard long jounery to becoming a family!

 

[klacey1]

I don't think the ex was wrong in wanting your fiancee to go. I think he should call his ex and say "Listen, I'm definitely going along, we just need a definite answer from you so we can book plane tickets and stuff." So far she doesn't seem too unreasonable. Let us know how she responds!
I also wouldn't force him to go without his kids. I'm sure he would not enjoy himself-- which means you in turn would not have fun. It just wouldn't be worth it.

 

[chrisw127]

I think I would put as little pressure on him and his ex as possible (not saying your are, but this sort of thing can be tricky to maneuver). One thing to consider is that she may feel bad that she's not taking them, or possibly even able to take them, herself. Disney will always be there when the time is right if she doesn't agree. If this doesn't work out, consider planning a shorter trip with you and your child. He might appreciate the special time alone with you.

Good luck and congrats on your upcoming marriage.

 

[ShannonMB]

I think I would put as little pressure on him and his ex as possible (not saying your are, but this sort of thing can be tricky to maneuver). One thing to consider is that she may feel bad that she's not taking them, or possibly even able to take them, herself. Disney will always be there when the time is right if she doesn't agree. If this doesn't work out, consider planning a shorter trip with you and your child. He might appreciate the special time alone with you.

Good luck and congrats on your upcoming marriage.

I totally agree with this, let the kids' parents work out whether they'll be able to go or not. If they can't, I'd leave the fiance behind and make it a special mom-son time in preparation for becoming a blended family. Sure you will welcome your fiance's kids with open arms, but that is a hard age to all of a sudden have to share mommy with so many others, and that extra time together might help him to understand that he is still your special boy. I think it's important that you always reinforce that (just between the 2 of you).

 

[jillyb]

I'm going to be the lone voice of dissent here. I'm a Stepmother. DH and I have an 8 y/o DD together. DH and his Ex are like your DH and his Ex. They only talk to each other when necessary. I do agree that your DH needs to call his Ex and tell her that he needs to know if the kids can come or not because the resort needs to be booked, tickets need to be purchased, etc. I disagree that if his kids can't go then you all should stay home.

There is always going to be something that the kids from the first marriage aren't going to be able to do with their Dad. It's a fact of life when parents divorce. If you always waited until the other kids could be there too you'd miss out on alot and end up with some resentment; not to mention the resentment your child will feel towards them because ya'll never do anything without them. Does that mean you won't miss them or wish they were there? Of course it doesn't! You can always bring them something back to let them know you at least were thinking of them.

I used to think that we couldn't do xyz because my SD wouldn't be able to go with us. Then I realized that my DD was missing out on things. Not that we don't miss her when we do things without her but we're not going to put our life on hold just because she's not or can't be with us. I know DH wishes his DD could be with us during those times (and I know DD misses having her sister there), but DH also realizes that we can't let that dictate our life.

 

[livie1205]

I'm going to be the lone voice of dissent here. I'm a Stepmother. DH and I have an 8 y/o DD together. DH and his Ex are like your DH and his Ex. They only talk to each other when necessary. I do agree that your DH needs to call his Ex and tell her that he needs to know if the kids can come or not because the resort needs to be booked, tickets need to be purchased, etc. I disagree that if his kids can't go then you all should stay home.

There is always going to be something that the kids from the first marriage aren't going to be able to do with their Dad. It's a fact of life when parents divorce. If you always waited until the other kids could be there too you'd miss out on alot and end up with some resentment; not to mention the resentment your child will feel towards them because ya'll never do anything without them. Does that mean you won't miss them or wish they were there? Of course it doesn't! You can always bring them something back to let them know you at least were thinking of them.

I used to think that we couldn't do xyz because my SD wouldn't be able to go with us. Then I realized that my DD was missing out on things. Not that we don't miss her when we do things without her but we're not going to put our life on hold just because she's not or can't be with us. I know DH wishes his DD could be with us during those times (and I know DD misses having her sister there), but DH also realizes that we can't let that dictate our life.

THANK YOU!!! well said...we have had to go with dss before because his mom wanted to play games...my dh was POed at his ex but did not let it ruin the trip for the other kids...we have 50/50 with her but we have him most of the time,we had a trip planned and paid for and at the last minute she wanted to play games (she luvs that) so we made her tell dss why he couldnt go(no good reason) and got him lots of things from wdw....now it was NOT a once in a lifetime trip we go at least 2 x a year but there is NOT a way to plan it when its ALL our time,we go off a LEO schedule for my dh work and on paper to not have big blocks of time....we are ready this year though we already have it in writing so even if she plays a game he is going and she can not say a word.
When you have a blended family not all exs get along and we cant always wait for a time when we have everyone or we would never do anything and the PP said it is also not fair to other child that they always have to wait for everyones exs to "let"them go.
now before anyone spouts off about being a evil stepmom not caring if he goes we have THREE kids his,mine and ours and my son has also missed things including wdw.We all have APs so we can make up trips but yeh sometimes one or the other cant go,thats the fact of life around here...and they are not scarred for life.

 

[polineedyan]

Definitely agree here..Had the same argument with my wife about our two kids. We werent going to go without the steps. Glad we went. You dont want to start feeling like youre compromising your own to accomidate the others.

 

[dissy_dee]

The ex called back last night and said the kids could go. The kids are so excited so I hope she don't change her mind. She likes to play games also.

Thanks for all the advice. It helps to see the different views from everyone.

 

[jillyb]

The ex called back last night and said the kids could go. The kids are so excited so I hope she don't change her mind. She likes to play games also.
Thanks for all the advice. It helps to see the different views from everyone.

Yay!! Glad they get to go!!!

I hope she don't change her mind. She likes to play games also.

I always hold my breath up until we actually have SD and are on our way because DH's Ex is the same way.

SD went to WDW with her Mom and Stepdad when she was 5. So, when we went in 2008 for DD's 6th birthday it was SD's second trip but it was the first time for me, DH and DD. I took the day off for our departure day to do last minute packing and errands. DH was working that day and we were leaving when he got home from work. We were going to be at WDW for Father's Day and my plan was for the girls to make cards for DH before we left and I could get them packed before DH got home. DH had told his Ex what time we needed SD at our house. She calls me and tells me that they're going to be late and would it be OK if she dropped SD off about an hour or two later than the agreed upon time. Now, normally I let DH battle it out with the Ex but I was stressing over getting everything done and I let her know that it was NOT alright. After I got off the phone I called DH and told him the BS she was trying to pull. He was not happy. She called back after I talked to him and said they were on their way. I think SD was dropped off 30 minutes later than the time she was supposed to be dropped off. When she dropped SD off she was just as sweet as she could be. I wanted to punch her face in. I later found out that the reason they were going to be late was because they were eating lunch at IKEA.

 

[lmok]

Ok I am not officially a step-parent yet but soon to be. My fiance and I want to take his three kids and my one to WDW in Novermber over Thanksgiving week. This way they would only miss 2 days of school.

Their mom has primary custody so he ask her if she would allow them to go as this is her year to have the kids Thanksgiving day. For the past several years she has worked on Thanksgiving and the dad has had them anyways. The first thing she told him was, "They cannot go without you going." Well DUH I was not planning on taking four kids ages 12, 10, 10, 8 to WDW by myself. We planned to go as a family as we should be married by that time.

She never did give him a definite answer and he says he will not feel right going without his kids. He nor his kids have ever been. I know he will go if I insist but I do understand why he would not feel comfortable going. Should I encourage him to go anyways?

So do we plan the trip and hope that she gives us permission? Do we just cancel it and disappoint my child? My fiance said he did not mind if we go even if him and his kids do not get to go. I think the mom will let them go but who knows. I know if my son's dad wanted to take him I would be happy for him to go but me and my ex have a good relationship. Fiance and his ex do not talk unless absolutely necessary.

The only other option would be to go next summer and it is just too busy and too hot then.

I am knew to this step-parent stuff so any advise or help you can offer would be welcomed.

Being the primary parent of my two daughters we have been through this many times. My daughters father and his "new family" have been on many vacations without my daughters. Most of these they have never even asked that my daughters come with them. I know how my daughters feel when they go on vacations that they find out about later. AWFULL. Because of this they have a very strained relationship with dad. Every time dad has requested time with them so they can go I always will let them. I think the dad need to step up and just say we need to make reservations can they come. The biggest thing for you is to be patient and flexible. This is one thing my daughters do not have and they can't stand being around their step mother. You have the chance on making the difference for them.

 

[Marthasor]

Being the primary parent of my two daughters we have been through this many times. My daughters father and his "new family" have been on many vacations without my daughters. Most of these they have never even asked that my daughters come with them. I know how my daughters feel when they go on vacations that they find out about later. AWFULL. Because of this they have a very strained relationship with dad. Every time dad has requested time with them so they can go I always will let them. I think the dad need to step up and just say we need to make reservations can they come. The biggest thing for you is to be patient and flexible. This is one thing my daughters do not have and they can't stand being around their step mother. You have the chance on making the difference for them.

I have the opposite situation. I am the stepmom of two boys whose mom takes them nowhere. My DH and I have a DS2 and we go on a lot of trips. We always invite my stepsons, but they are rarely allowed to go. When they come over, I hide our vacation photos because I imagine it must be painful for them. I have tried many times to include the boys in things or find things for them to do - activities, events even birthday parties (neither of them have ever had a birthday party) and have been shut down at every turn. I have stopped at this point. When they are with us, I make sure they have food to eat, clean clothes to wear and private time with their dad. Otherwise I stay out of it. I learned long ago that his ex and I are just very different parents and we will never be one big happy family raising all of these children in harmony with the same values, etc. But that does not stop me from making activity, vacation, etc. choices that I think are enriching for my own child.

Don't be surprised if your DH's ex changes her mind. If she does, I encourage you to take your son anyway. His life cannot depend on the choices of your DH's ex.

 

[bwilcox]

If you have a good touring plan and take breaks, the summer can be a great time to go. The parks are open later and there are less rehabs. If you go as soon as school is out, the crowds may be even less than Thanksgiving week. Having the whole family together may make up for the heat.

 

[momof2gr8kids]

I'm glad they will be able to go with you.

For the record (I know it's a moot point now), I think since his kids have never been to disney that it wouldn't be right for your fiance to go with your kids to disney this first trip. As a kid, I think that would be pretty painful, to know that your dad is experiencing a first time at disney with someone else's child. According to the agreement it was mom's scheduled time, so if she wasn't able to make it work for the kids to go to disney, other arrangements should be made for everyone to go together at a different time.

That being said, I've been a step mom for 16 years scared1: I feel old now just typing that!), and we're going to disney for the first time w/o my sks. But, they are 19 and 18 and rolled their eyes at us upon the mention of it. So, luckily for us (and our wallet!), they don't want to come.

I did feel guilty, since we never had the opportunity to take them, however we have taken them on numerous other trips before our kids came along, trips with all 6 of us together, and have gotten a sitter and taken them alone on trips without our kids. Considering their mom and her husband's only family vacation all these years was a long weekend away, I don't feel too bad. (And no, not because they couldn't afford it!)

I have to say, planning this trip is so much more relaxing than all the stress and anxiety planning trips w/ my sks was over the years. Something always came up at the last minute, or there was always a good excuse why they couldn't go somewhere at a certain time. (Usually because they were going somewhere with their mom, that never happened. ) I am definitely not going to miss not having someone crying at the aiport to the kids that they will be gone for 11 nights, or someone "forgetting" that we were leaving the next day and she signed ds up for a hockey camp last minute.

So, once you get this first "family" disney trip out of the way, I think in the future if you plan to go and there's no good reason that the step kids can't go, then by all means go ahead with your own son and don't feel guilty.

Congrats on the upcoming wedding, and good luck as you enter the world of step parenting. You'll need it. (j/k - but you will need lots of alcohol I think I need some now, just reminiscing about all the bs over the years. )

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

The ex called back last night and said the kids could go. The kids are so excited so I hope she don't change her mind. She likes to play games also.

Thanks for all the advice. It helps to see the different views from everyone.

Just to be on the safe side, would it be too pushy to ask that her permission for the kids to go on the trip be put in writing?

 

[livie1205]

I'm glad they will be able to go with you.

For the record (I know it's a moot point now), I think since his kids have never been to disney that it wouldn't be right for your fiance to go with your kids to disney this first trip. As a kid, I think that would be pretty painful, to know that your dad is experiencing a first time at disney with someone else's child. According to the agreement it was mom's scheduled time, so if she wasn't able to make it work for the kids to go to disney, other arrangements should be made for everyone to go together at a different time.

That being said, I've been a step mom for 16 years scared1: I feel old now just typing that!), and we're going to disney for the first time w/o my sks. But, they are 19 and 18 and rolled their eyes at us upon the mention of it. So, luckily for us (and our wallet!), they don't want to come.

I did feel guilty, since we never had the opportunity to take them, however we have taken them on numerous other trips before our kids came along, trips with all 6 of us together, and have gotten a sitter and taken them alone on trips without our kids. Considering their mom and her husband's only family vacation all these years was a long weekend away, I don't feel too bad. (And no, not because they couldn't afford it!)

I have to say, planning this trip is so much more relaxing than all the stress and anxiety planning trips w/ my sks was over the years. Something always came up at the last minute, or there was always a good excuse why they couldn't go somewhere at a certain time. (Usually because they were going somewhere with their mom, that never happened. ) I am definitely not going to miss not having someone crying at the aiport to the kids that they will be gone for 11 nights, or someone "forgetting" that we were leaving the next day and she signed ds up for a hockey camp last minute.

So, once you get this first "family" disney trip out of the way, I think in the future if you plan to go and there's no good reason that the step kids can't go, then by all means go ahead with your own son and don't feel guilty.

Congrats on the upcoming wedding, and good luck as you enter the world of step parenting. You'll need it. (j/k - but you will need lots of alcohol I think I need some now, just reminiscing about all the bs over the years. )

This was NOT a case of the bio mom not being able to make it work...it was a case of her being a pain ...if they start letting her change their plans now she will do it again and again...she will never stop.If she sees that they are going to jump through her hoops now she will make them do it every time.We have delt with this many times but it only took one time of us not changing our plans and she always gives in because she does not want to have to have him around while where gone for a week! PIECE OF WORK SHE IS.
I really dont think the kids will care to much about their dads first trip...they will care much more when their dad is able to take them for the first time and have fun!I also think if the mom is saying no to be a pain the kids WILL notice and it will be HER they are mad at...my dss does not trust him mom AT ALL , she always says she is going to take him places then leaves him with us and goes anyway...he knows this.