What would you do? Step-kids

[Marthasor]

Just to be on the safe side, would it be too pushy to ask that her permission for the kids to go on the trip be put in writing?

I think the safer bet would be to read up on your cancellation policy. I think you could really be opening a can of worms with that plus I don't think it would be legally binding. Just be prepared. Be prepared for cancellations of trips, kids not showing up for holidays when presents are wrapped and ready, kids unexpectedly showing up for thanksgiving and not having enough food. I got word one morning while i was at work that my stepsons were coming over that night and my husband wanted to do a Passover Seder with them. (he's Jewish, i was raised catholic) no idea what I was doing, but somehow pulled it off, food, Haggadah and all. Be prepared for the roller coaster ride of your life. It will not be pretty and you will not be able to shield all of these children from pain and disappointment. Unfortunately they did not cause this mess yet are cAught in the middle and are the victims of it. I hope everything works out for your trip and everyone has a wonderful time.

 

[momof2gr8kids]

This was NOT a case of the bio mom not being able to make it work...it was a case of her being a pain ...if they start letting her change their plans now she will do it again and again...she will never stop.If she sees that they are going to jump through her hoops now she will make them do it every time.We have delt with this many times but it only took one time of us not changing our plans and she always gives in because she does not want to have to have him around while where gone for a week! PIECE OF WORK SHE IS.
I really dont think the kids will care to much about their dads first trip...they will care much more when their dad is able to take them for the first time and have fun!I also think if the mom is saying no to be a pain the kids WILL notice and it will be HER they are mad at...my dss does not trust him mom AT ALL , she always says she is going to take him places then leaves him with us and goes anyway...he knows this.

Hey, believe me I GET IT!! We dealt w/ 16 years of hell with a manipulative control freak who's main purpose in life was to be the best loved parent. A court order is only worth the paper it's printed on when you're dealing with a person like this! Shared custody to some mean "whatever time I LET you have!"

From the original post, she does state that bm worked the past Thanksgiving and it was bm's year to have the kids. Who knows, maybe she was planning something? Technically, if she was to have the kids, then she's not changing their plans, they are changing hers. kwim? Just having btdt over the years I think it makes it much easier if you plan to do something on the time that you are scheduled to have the kids - then you don't have to worry about all this bs and stress. (Although, from experience, I know you can have this even when you do plan something on the time the kids are with you! )

As I've said - btdt and sooooo glad it's over. The kids do grow up and see things for themselves. We pulled our hair out so many times in the past, but my sks do see now. Livie1205 - my sks bm, like yours has made so many promises in the past to take the kids places, but never has. She promised my sd 6 years ago to take her to a certain city for her birthday present in grade 7. She graduated this year, and her mom has yet to take her. Yet, mom goes every year with her friends. 2 years ago we went on a family vacation to this city and bm cried to sd that she was going on a vacation that was supposed to be with her. Last year I went alone w/ sd and her friend on a special vacation. Again, the guilt from bio mom to sd for going on a trip with me. Yet, she always has time and $$ for her girls weekends away!

.... There should be a special thread for step parents on here ....

 

[mlynn]

My sister years back had to have in writing from her ex husband that it was ok for her to take her son out of the state.But this was only because they were flying.So this could be a way to get it in writing from the ex.

 

[cheshireqt]

So glad it seems to be working out and she said yes. The kids are old enough that if she changes her mind they should give her a lot of grief! Maybe DH could send an email with some preliminary itinerary information (dates and method of travel) and a Thank You, since she did give up her holiday weekend? Hopefully she writes back something confirming. While not legally binding it does give DH some CYA in case she kicks up a fuss at some later date and can serve as a reminder of what she has agreed to if she tries to play games in the next few months. Barring the need to ever use documentation, if done nicely might also be interpreted as a nice gesture. I know I am probably naive but you never know!
Congrats on the upcoming marriage! How fun to show 4 new family members around Disney for their first trip!!

 

[livie1205]

THAT was sooo rude....where did she say he has blown off his kids?It sounds like they really want them to go.I hope you were NOT talking about the op.

 

[LovesHerTaurus]

Call me crazy....

you want them to go. You want HIM to go. You want your child to go. You want everyone to get along. Your child is like an older child and having trouble adjusting.

Ask her to come with the kids and stay at the same resort.

She won't have the guilt of not taking them herself. She might opt out, but know that you guys are serious about going together. She might come, have her kids part of the time, and have a nice rest the rest of the time.

Book the vacation for all of you and make sure it is refundable. You can add/delete people as you want, and even cancel if it doesn't work out.

Don't tell the kids.

Unless they don't get along at all, it might be a great compromise.

My man never gets to see his kids. They live in another province. Their mom is certified..... well, I've met her a few times and weird, weird history. His sons were finally supposed to come and visit for a fathers day weekend. She cancelled 2 days before after months of planning and him being delighted and full of joy. His heart was broken. Then she moved again and he can only communicate with his sons (who are older) through Facebook.

Compromise, h-e-double hockey sticks, offer to PAY for her to go. You don't want to see the look on his face. If it doesn't work out, you will have some peace knowing you did everything you could to make it happen. And don't talk to her yourself in any way about this, it is his business. Trust me, interfering step parents make for a bad childhood (my parents divorced when I was 12, and it was a 6 way battle for me for the next 6 years - step parent, dad, mom, grandma A, mom's random boyfriends, me...) - tread lightly, and the best of luck that you can make it work for all of your happiness!

Ok I am not officially a step-parent yet but soon to be. My fiance and I want to take his three kids and my one to WDW in Novermber over Thanksgiving week. This way they would only miss 2 days of school.

Their mom has primary custody so he ask her if she would allow them to go as this is her year to have the kids Thanksgiving day. For the past several years she has worked on Thanksgiving and the dad has had them anyways. The first thing she told him was, "They cannot go without you going." Well DUH I was not planning on taking four kids ages 12, 10, 10, 8 to WDW by myself. We planned to go as a family as we should be married by that time.

She never did give him a definite answer and he says he will not feel right going without his kids. He nor his kids have ever been. I know he will go if I insist but I do understand why he would not feel comfortable going. Should I encourage him to go anyways?

So do we plan the trip and hope that she gives us permission? Do we just cancel it and disappoint my child? My fiance said he did not mind if we go even if him and his kids do not get to go. I think the mom will let them go but who knows. I know if my son's dad wanted to take him I would be happy for him to go but me and my ex have a good relationship. Fiance and his ex do not talk unless absolutely necessary.

The only other option would be to go next summer and it is just too busy and too hot then.

I am knew to this step-parent stuff so any advise or help you can offer would be welcomed.

 

[LovesHerTaurus]

I like you

Sorry, I just hijacked for a second. You're awesome. Dead serious!

My mom was that nutter who never had money, but had enough pride to not allow us to go with my dad and step mom on vacations or anything remotely outside our regular court ordered visiting hours. She screamed at him because he was an hour late getting us home after a storm.

I guess she expected that her pride would feed us. No food, no activities, no family vacations... but a big old bowl of useless pride.

My childhood made me a kick butt mom

Hijack over!

I have the opposite situation. I am the stepmom of two boys whose mom takes them nowhere. My DH and I have a DS2 and we go on a lot of trips. We always invite my stepsons, but they are rarely allowed to go. When they come over, I hide our vacation photos because I imagine it must be painful for them. I have tried many times to include the boys in things or find things for them to do - activities, events even birthday parties (neither of them have ever had a birthday party) and have been shut down at every turn. I have stopped at this point. When they are with us, I make sure they have food to eat, clean clothes to wear and private time with their dad. Otherwise I stay out of it. I learned long ago that his ex and I are just very different parents and we will never be one big happy family raising all of these children in harmony with the same values, etc. But that does not stop me from making activity, vacation, etc. choices that I think are enriching for my own child.

Don't be surprised if your DH's ex changes her mind. If she does, I encourage you to take your son anyway. His life cannot depend on the choices of your DH's ex.

 

[LovesHerTaurus]

And a support thread for those of us who lived through it?

My step mom plan which I shared with my man - we're buying a house once he is done school in 2 years. It will have extra rooms. Until then, if one or both of his sons elects to move in with us that is gravy - not that I've been allowed to meet them. My daughters (10 and 12, oil and water, princess and tomboy) said they would share a room if that happened - and they've never met his boys (13 and 15) yet either.

We love him. They accepted him as their own from the first second they met. They want him happy. My ten year old offered to share her laptop.

 

[Marthasor]

I like you

Sorry, I just hijacked for a second. You're awesome. Dead serious!

My mom was that nutter who never had money, but had enough pride to not allow us to go with my dad and step mom on vacations or anything remotely outside our regular court ordered visiting hours. She screamed at him because he was an hour late getting us home after a storm.

I guess she expected that her pride would feed us. No food, no activities, no family vacations... but a big old bowl of useless pride.

My childhood made me a kick butt mom

Hijack over!

Gee, thanks! I do try. My stepsons are good, smart, funny kids caught in a bad situation. It makes me very sad.

 

[LovesHerTaurus]

Gee, thanks! I do try. My stepsons are good, smart, funny kids caught in a bad situation. It makes me very sad.

It is sad. I've been there, seeing my step sister travel all over with my parents. I'm not particularly close to my dad/step mom now since we have very different outlooks and parenting styles. But I haven't talked to my nutter mom in 5 years.

Keep a bedroom open and just do your best. You're great Kids know. Parents often have too much pride and power trip problems.

 

[LovesHerTaurus]

Maybe the reason she said that is that he has habitually blown off his kids. There is no way in hell I would go without all of the kids. How rude would that be. Your spoiled child and his three throw offs.

Might be true. Might not be.

Someone asked for ideas from a scope of people who have different ideas = brainstorm. Take off the bitterness mask and put on your thinking cap to be useful or keep it to yourself.

I do agree with you through when you said there is no way you would go without all the kids.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

lol, thanks for the lecture. Here is my brainstorm. I am always on the side of the kids. Someone needs to. The adults have already screwed up enough.

Any dad that would take the new kid to WDW and not take his own kids is not worth marrying. Pure and simple. Any step mom who thinks it would be fine to only take her snowflake is pretty rotten too. So don't take the trip unless all of the kids can go. Disney will be there next year or whenever.

 

[seashoreCM]

Don't plan anything until your fiance jumps in to help plan.

You don't want to end up with a sudden last minute cancellation and unused airplane tickets.

Also, since your finance's ex' has primary custody, either you need to get his kids' schedule in writing from her or she should buy the airplane tickets. This way any irregularities are documented in case the divorce court needs to get involved again.

 

[livie1205]

lol, thanks for the lecture. Here is my brainstorm. I am always on the side of the kids. Someone needs to. The adults have already screwed up enough.

Any dad that would take the new kid to WDW and not take his own kids is not worth marrying. Pure and simple. Any step mom who thinks it would be fine to only take her snowflake is pretty rotten too. So don't take the trip unless all of the kids can go. Disney will be there next year or whenever.

That does not apply to all familys...we have taken each kid alone,all together, just 2 ect ect wdw is not a once a few yr thing here,we go many times (we have APs .we went last year with dss , he went on a vacation with his grandparents to the grand canyon so we took the other kids to wdw...he could care less he was off having fun also...we also can not let someone else run our lives and we will not do it.He is always invited but if he is off with his mom its not really fair to only let our "snowflake" only go somewhere when his mom says he can go.We cant plan for a time when we have him because its on paper that we have him 2 days on and 2 days off (cop schedule)even though we keep him most of her time also if its her time she can decide to keep him.We have also been without my ds because he was off in new york the one time his dad chose to take him somewhere....blended familys are hard we make the best of it and the kids KNOW this.
If we only went to wdw one time ever of course we would make sure all of them went but that is not the case...as long as OP is going to plan a trip to take them it should not be a problem.I do not know one kid who is scarred for life because they didnt go on on trip to wdw with the family.My dss KNOWS he is a part of our family since I am the one who takes care of him, he KNOWS who takes care of him and will tell you..me.
I think saying a man is not worth being married to because of something silly like that is a rotten thing to say...I think her post shows she does care about the s kids.So how is it ok for them to ONLY go on vacations when all of them are together when the s kids get to go places with bio mom and OPs child is waiting around for everyone to go?All blended familys have their own ways of doing things...sometimes there are parents that leave some behind for spite but in most cases not...it is VERY hard to live your life around a bitter game playing ex, we know we have 2 of them (mine and his) but they have to know they are not going to control your life.I have even offered my dss AP that we got him to bio mom so she would take him and she would rather spend time with her boyfriend...but his grandma takes him on lots of vacations.
ALSO, how have the adults screwed up enough? by getting a divorce?

 

[wahooker]

Just to back up what others have said, Don't do it if you can't take all of them.

Whoever isn't taken is going to remember that years from now.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

yep. By screwing up their own lives, the kids become victims. I've been a guardian ad litem for years, sat in on a million supervised visitations, etc. Any father that would ditch his kids to take the new kids to WDW is scum. Any new step mom who would ask him to is a piece of work, too. There is no kid in the world who wouldn't be hurt by this situation. If they say they not it is out of fear of losing the love of that adult by expressing themselves.

The fact that you married the wrong guy and he married the wrong girl or just weren't willing to work to keep your committments is not your child's nor his child's fault. They should not pay for your bad choices.

And, yes, I understand this is very opinionated. I will not stop being opinionated when it comes to children dealing with abandonment issues.

 

[badblackpug]

Seriously? "opinionated" is the wrong word for what this and your other posts are. The OP WANTS to take the step kids. The OP WANTS everyone to go. The worry was that the step kids bio mom would not let them go (which, by the way, is a moot point now) It was never said that the OPs SO "ditched" or "blew off" his kids. ...and you are so protective of kids, yet you disparage the OPs bio son as "spoiled" and a "snowflake." Where is the compassion? Where is the protectiveness? He is going through changes just like everyone else in the family, how about being a little "opinionated" for him?

What is the OP supposed to do if the step kids bio mom is unreasonable and never lets them travel with the OP and her SO? Never do anything with her own child because her step kids bio mom is unreasonable? That hardly seems like a solution.

My advice to the OP is to get trip/cancellation insurance. Just in case. I would also tell the kids about the trip ASAP, that way if bio mom does decide to cancel they know that she is the reason. Sounds petty, I know, but being a step mom is hard, and, unfortunately, you will often be portrayed as the bad guy.

 

[LovesHerTaurus]

Neat.

Now your opinion on our case. My fiancee hasn't been able to see his sons (13 and 15) in 7 years. Yes I verified this when I first met him. Yes I had him checked out when we first met - I'm overprotective when it comes to my girls.

4 years ago he found out where they had moved to, went there unannounced, and had a visit with the boys. She moved two weeks later.

There was never abuse (verified and asked her when I met her too!). She just refuses to let him be part of their lives.

Yes there is more to the story. This is the gist though. She doesn't want it. She wants to live her little life, and he can only communicate with his sons through Facebook. I haven't been allowed to meet them.

We're going to Disney to get married in 40 days. She wouldn't let them come visit for 2 nights for a camping trip. There is no possible way she would let them cross the provincial border, so there is NO way she would let them leave the country.

We are going without them. I agree with you that in MOST cases the kids SHOULD go. But there are ALWAYS variations to a situation. You can't make things so black and white like that. The kids should come first, but in some cases bio parents don't do that. We would have loved for them to come, but when she cancelled a 3 months in the planning camping trip with 2 days notice after we had bought the bus tickets because she changed her mind??

I do take offense that you are so quick to judge, and am personally surprised by your line of work. I work in a child welfare office, and there are ALWAYS nuances of the story, and people live in grey, not black and white.

yep. By screwing up their own lives, the kids become victims. I've been a guardian ad litem for years, sat in on a million supervised visitations, etc. Any father that would ditch his kids to take the new kids to WDW is scum. Any new step mom who would ask him to is a piece of work, too. There is no kid in the world who wouldn't be hurt by this situation. If they say they not it is out of fear of losing the love of that adult by expressing themselves.

The fact that you married the wrong guy and he married the wrong girl or just weren't willing to work to keep your committments is not your child's nor his child's fault. They should not pay for your bad choices.

And, yes, I understand this is very opinionated. I will not stop being opinionated when it comes to children dealing with abandonment issues.

 

[livie1205]

yep. By screwing up their own lives, the kids become victims. I've been a guardian ad litem for years, sat in on a million supervised visitations, etc. Any father that would ditch his kids to take the new kids to WDW is scum. Any new step mom who would ask him to is a piece of work, too. There is no kid in the world who wouldn't be hurt by this situation. If they say they not it is out of fear of losing the love of that adult by expressing themselves.

The fact that you married the wrong guy and he married the wrong girl or just weren't willing to work to keep your committments is not your child's nor his child's fault. They should not pay for your bad choices.

And, yes, I understand this is very opinionated. I will not stop being opinionated when it comes to children dealing with abandonment issues.

WOW you are a piece of work...I feel bad for the women who leaves her abusive husband to protect kids...yeh she screwed up that child your comments should not even get a answer,IF you are a GA then you should NOT be.

 

[Magic Mom]

Ok I am not officially a step-parent yet but soon to be. My fiance and I want to take his three kids and my one to WDW in Novermber over Thanksgiving week. This way they would only miss 2 days of school.

Their mom has primary custody so he ask her if she would allow them to go as this is her year to have the kids Thanksgiving day. For the past several years she has worked on Thanksgiving and the dad has had them anyways. The first thing she told him was, "They cannot go without you going." Well DUH I was not planning on taking four kids ages 12, 10, 10, 8 to WDW by myself. We planned to go as a family as we should be married by that time.

She never did give him a definite answer and he says he will not feel right going without his kids. He nor his kids have ever been. I know he will go if I insist but I do understand why he would not feel comfortable going. Should I encourage him to go anyways?

So do we plan the trip and hope that she gives us permission? Do we just cancel it and disappoint my child? My fiance said he did not mind if we go even if him and his kids do not get to go. I think the mom will let them go but who knows. I know if my son's dad wanted to take him I would be happy for him to go but me and my ex have a good relationship. Fiance and his ex do not talk unless absolutely necessary.

The only other option would be to go next summer and it is just too busy and too hot then.

I am knew to this step-parent stuff so any advise or help you can offer would be welcomed.

Have him contact her again to ask for an answer. Plan for all of you and then you can chage your reservations if they can't go. I don't think you should insist or even "encourage" him to go if his kids can't. That would be hurtful to his kids and him. He said he wouldn't feel comfortable doing that, don't force him to choose between you and feeling like he is somehow hurting his kids. That's not fair. If his kids can't go, then go alone with your child. There will be other vacations that the two of you can take together.