What would you do? Step-kids

[Magic Mom]

I'm going to be the lone voice of dissent here. I'm a Stepmother. DH and I have an 8 y/o DD together. DH and his Ex are like your DH and his Ex. They only talk to each other when necessary. I do agree that your DH needs to call his Ex and tell her that he needs to know if the kids can come or not because the resort needs to be booked, tickets need to be purchased, etc. I disagree that if his kids can't go then you all should stay home.

There is always going to be something that the kids from the first marriage aren't going to be able to do with their Dad. It's a fact of life when parents divorce. If you always waited until the other kids could be there too you'd miss out on alot and end up with some resentment; not to mention the resentment your child will feel towards them because ya'll never do anything without them. Does that mean you won't miss them or wish they were there? Of course it doesn't! You can always bring them something back to let them know you at least were thinking of them.

I used to think that we couldn't do xyz because my SD wouldn't be able to go with us. Then I realized that my DD was missing out on things. Not that we don't miss her when we do things without her but we're not going to put our life on hold just because she's not or can't be with us. I know DH wishes his DD could be with us during those times (and I know DD misses having her sister there), but DH also realizes that we can't let that dictate our life.

I don't think their dad's first trip to disney with kids should be without his own kids, and he already told the OP that he didn't feel comfortable going without them. She can go with her child if she is worried about resentment.

 

[disneyjunkie]

We're going to Disney to get married in 40 days. She wouldn't let them come visit for 2 nights for a camping trip. There is no possible way she would let them cross the provincial border, so there is NO way she would let them leave the country.

We are going without them. I agree with you that in MOST cases the kids SHOULD go. But there are ALWAYS variations to a situation. You can't make things so black and white like that. The kids should come first, but in some cases bio parents don't do that. We would have loved for them to come, but when she cancelled a 3 months in the planning camping trip with 2 days notice after we had bought the bus tickets because she changed her mind??

Wait, he agreed to a Disney wedding knowing that his ex will not allow his son's to attend? Why not get married at home? How do you think they will feel about missing their dad's wedding?

My son was not in or invited to his dad's wedding 6 years ago. He will be 19 this October. He doesn't hold a grudge, but he is still hurt by it.

 

[badblackpug]

Wait, he agreed to a Disney wedding knowing that his ex will not allow his son's to attend? Why not get married at home? How do you think they will feel about missing their dad's wedding?

My son was not in or invited to his dad's wedding 6 years ago. He will be 19 this October. He doesn't hold a grudge, but he is still hurt by it.

I think the point here is that the bio mom wouldn't let the kids attend the wedding even if it were on her own front lawn! May as well have the wedding the wedding that you want. Unfortunately, some parents are not reasonable and one can't put there life on hold waiting for them to get it together. This was the case with my cousins. They were kept away from their father for years, because their mother was angry over the divorce. As adults they were very angry at their mother for keeping them from a relationship with their father and did not speak with their mother for several years, and still have a strained relationship.

The best that you can hope is that as the kids mature they will see things through more adult eyes.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I think the point here is that the bio mom wouldn't let the kids attend the wedding even if it were on her own front lawn!

She posted that they were not allowed to go on two trips with them. So based on that they decide to have a wedding in another country knowing the odds of mom allowing them to attend are slim to none?

I think dad should have said, the wedding will be here, and hopefully the mom will agree to let the kids attend. The honeymoon could have been in WDW.

 

[LovesHerTaurus]

Wait, he agreed to a Disney wedding knowing that his ex will not allow his son's to attend? Why not get married at home? How do you think they will feel about missing their dad's wedding?

My son was not in or invited to his dad's wedding 6 years ago. He will be 19 this October. He doesn't hold a grudge, but he is still hurt by it.

Originally the plan WAS to have it at home. We gave her 7 potential dates. She said no way to all of them. So he asked her to pick a date in August and we would get married that day. She said no to any date in August since their oldest son has to babysit her daughter (she has 3 - two with my man, and one little girl who is 6) since she is busy all summer. So we moved it to November with the hopes she would let the boys come. She said the youngest possibly could but not the oldest - he couldn't miss school.

We tried July, December... this went on for two months.

Sheesh, there is ALWAYS a story. I'm not close with my family and don't particularly care either way - I'm 32, and see my dad/step mom twice a year. He isn't close with his mom. He doesn't know who his father is. My mom lives in Vegas. We were toying with the idea of getting married in the other province to let his boys come, and gave her 3 dates that could work with my work vacation I booked in JANUARY. She nixed them all. Then moved again and changed her number.

Eventually I assume one or both boys will come and live with us. For now, she is clinging onto them for child support and welfare. My mom did the same thing so I can smell it. I can only do my best to be neutral and accepting and not question battiness.

We finally decided on Disney since we both always wanted to go. We're both sad about our childhood, family backgrounds, and messed up families. So this way, we can do it our way and not regret having a big traditional wedding.

We originally planned for November with the hopes that she would let her boys come, but then we found out since she can't get her own passport, she refuses to let the boys get theirs. So we moved it to August the original plan.

Of course we are upset. They are upset. I haven't even got to MEET them. We even went to the city on a day when she said she would be there, and hoped to meet up with them (3 hours drive each way) and she didn't answer her phone the entire day. We killed a day wandering around the mall waiting around for over 11 hours. He couldn't get ahold of her for 3 days.

He only has her cell number. To finalize their divorce he had to hire a private investigator to find her.

The agreement was that we were getting married within 6 months of moving in together. Logistically it was smart for a lot of reasons, but morally for my daughters (I've never lived with anyone before) it was important to me.

There is more to the story still, but really.

Some parents suck.

 

[LovesHerTaurus]

She posted that they were not allowed to go on two trips with them. So based on that they decide to have a wedding in another country knowing the odds of mom allowing them to attend are slim to none?

I think dad should have said, the wedding will be here, and hopefully the mom will agree to let the kids attend. The honeymoon could have been in WDW.

You're jumping to conclusions and making a severe judgment.

I told him I would have married him in an outhouse in the middle of winter. I would wear an old parka. I don't give a crap. I just want to marry him. I was ready to get my judge friend to hitch us up now that he is semi retired. I told him I would be fine with a ring pop as a wedding ring.

We got engaged after 6 weeks. The only reason we waited so long for the wedding was to try and get his sons there. He is so awesome and easy going and wonderful that I would marry him anywhere, anytime.

 

[badblackpug]

Originally the plan WAS to have it at home. We gave her 7 potential dates. She said no way to all of them. So he asked her to pick a date in August and we would get married that day. She said no to any date in August since their oldest son has to babysit her daughter (she has 3 - two with my man, and one little girl who is 6) since she is busy all summer. So we moved it to November with the hopes she would let the boys come. She said the youngest possibly could but not the oldest - he couldn't miss school.

We tried July, December... this went on for two months.

Sheesh, there is ALWAYS a story. I'm not close with my family and don't particularly care either way - I'm 32, and see my dad/step mom twice a year. He isn't close with his mom. He doesn't know who his father is. My mom lives in Vegas. We were toying with the idea of getting married in the other province to let his boys come, and gave her 3 dates that could work with my work vacation I booked in JANUARY. She nixed them all. Then moved again and changed her number.

Eventually I assume one or both boys will come and live with us. For now, she is clinging onto them for child support and welfare. My mom did the same thing so I can smell it. I can only do my best to be neutral and accepting and not question battiness.

We finally decided on Disney since we both always wanted to go. We're both sad about our childhood, family backgrounds, and messed up families. So this way, we can do it our way and not regret having a big traditional wedding.

We originally planned for November with the hopes that she would let her boys come, but then we found out since she can't get her own passport, she refuses to let the boys get theirs. So we moved it to August the original plan.

Of course we are upset. They are upset. I haven't even got to MEET them. We even went to the city on a day when she said she would be there, and hoped to meet up with them (3 hours drive each way) and she didn't answer her phone the entire day. We killed a day wandering around the mall waiting around for over 11 hours. He couldn't get ahold of her for 3 days.

He only has her cell number. To finalize their divorce he had to hire a private investigator to find her.

The agreement was that we were getting married within 6 months of moving in together. Logistically it was smart for a lot of reasons, but morally for my daughters (I've never lived with anyone before) it was important to me.

There is more to the story still, but really.

Some parents suck.

LOL! Not really laughing, but you know what I mean. I had the feeling that if you had planned the wedding to be held in her living room, she would have found a reason why the kids had to stay upstairs. It's sad and hurtful, but sometimes you just have to live your life and hope that things turn around. The good new is when they are adults she won't have control over them, and maybe, at that point you can develop a relationship. It's just a shame that you will have to wait. All I can say is keep trying, so at least the boys will know you wanted to be there, even if you couldn't be.

Have a wonderful wedding.